to feel defeated by school reports?

[ToddlerIs2]

I feel so sad at all three school reports and can't help but feel it's on me, as their primary parent, that i've let them fail badly.

DS is at expected level on all academic subjects, but the report is full of "he doesn't apply himself enough", "he lets others do it for him", "if he actually expressed it on paper....", he needs to improve his presentation", "He needs to improve his output / stamina" etc. I feel like this is obv about how we've parented him, that he doesn;t feel he needs to push himself or strive to do his best, that he's happy to sit back and just let everyone else do the work. I don't know how to get him to improve his productivity at school. On the occasions he does, school are so positive about it, but then the next day he just doesn't.
Then there's the twins who are at emerging on EVERYTHING, not a single thing at excpected level - is it because they're second borns and twins so i've just not tried enough with them? There isn't one area they're at the right level for.

They all go to the same school and the head teacher obviously reads all the reports, its a small school so she'll def clock the poor attainment is all from the same family.

I just feel so inadequate. I'm a SAHM so i don't even have an excuse of being busy with work.

You are being very harsh on yourself. It sounds like the older one needs to develop a growth mentality and be better at challenging himself, but school also aren’t finding a way to motivate him. Can you/the school try introducing some kind of reward system?

Don’t worry about the twins! Kids develop at different rates. Some early developers then plateau.

Yep . This ☝️

I'd be hapoy to get a report which shows actual understanding of the child. DS's report is always "good" for everything even though I know he doesn't pay attention and I know he could do better. He meets the basic targets and gives no trouble so I'm pretty sure they give him no thought at all.

As a Speech Therapist I was coming to say this. As their talking develops, they will likely demonstrate their progress more. They will still be learning, but maybe not demonstrating it all just yet.

Ask someone objective to read your reports. Alot of comments are generic but if the wording is exactly as you say then it's very very poor show on the writers part. It certainly would not be permitted in the country I teach in. Every negative MUST be framed as a positive, not always good. I'd follow up with school asking what 'next steps' you can put in place to support DC. The wording is way off and you'd be right to follow up.

I wouldn't worry about the 3 year olds, they are twins, probably (?) born early - just make sure that you spend lots of time reading to them.

The 8 year old, I would try and lean into stuff he is interested in - perhaps a subscription box on something that he is interested in or some educational day trips? TBH with 3 year old twins, he probably doesn't get a lot of 1:1 time so you or your DH spending some time 1:1 with him doing stuff that is educational but also somewhat fun might help.

exactly, school is a good attaining school in a rough area, so they're clearly a good school. I don't think its reasonable when i have lots of friends with kids above expectation to attribute blame to the ones proven successful at educating children vs ME with three kids who aren't meeting their potential

OP, my DS was 'emerging' for everything at nursery also mainly due to speech delay. I wasn't concerned at all. He is now Year 1 and still emerging in some things but actually got 'expected' for maths and I am over the moon. Give yourself a break.

literally every single box on their report is marked emerging. gets distracted easily, needs encouragement to wash hands, gets upset during transitions, it just feels like its everything

They sound like normal 3 year olds op. Please don’t worry.

Both of mine were emerging at nursery. DD because she was so emotionally difficult to settle and DS because he just wouldn’t play ball.

DD is now at Grammar School and in top stream.
DS is working at greater depth but still bloody difficult to teach and get to do anything

well yes buts thats the ponit isnt it? but he won't see that. And what happens when its gets harder and he goes up to high school, and he ends up in bottom set for everything because that requires least effort and then he leaves school with no exams because its too late.

school have done an inclusion assessment which i'm hoping we get back this term for the new school teacher next year and that that will help, but star charts and rewards stickers don't work. even saving up for a toy, it works if i'm there to say "do this and get a sticker" but soon as he's not with me, it just falls by the wayside. and when it comes to writing, he just loses focus

educational day trips are hard with 3 yos that no one will look after.

he's booked into three weeks of summer school (half days mostly, 4 days a week, and all geeky computer / animation stuff he's chosen) so i think i need to use that time productively with the twins. Only 4 weeks early, and hefty, no issues medically.

they're AWFUL at being read too. DS would sit so well, and got above expected for love of reading, but the twins just don't sit still

I think it’s fine for them to point out any areas that need working on but surly at primary level they have said some positives if not I think it’s the school not your DC
Dont beat yourself up OP kids all blossom in their own time for example my DC1 couldn’t write his own name at the end of reception but he’s 22 now and starting a masters degree in September after gaining a first in his degree

You are vastly overthinking this. Everyone can't be top, children emerge at different levels, you can't fail at eight years old, let alone three!

All emerging means is they are working towards the targets. As long as they are progressing in their own way don’t worry about it.

ask school for ideas of best ways to support but chill over the reports

Are they emerging against the end of EYFS goals? Or are there separate nursery ones?

You need.to clearly value hard work and effort at home. When my girls get their reports they know full well if is the effort grades I'm most concerned about. If they are trying their best But emerging then I'm still happy.
If they get bad effort grades they know there would be consequences, even tbh if they were greater depth.

If it helps, my daughter was behind in her speech etc at nursery, and now in reception is in on the stretch table for writing/phonics etc.

I just made a conscious effort at the start of reception and bought some of those cgp books for maths and phonics. They are really good and just have a short 5 question task to do each day.(although I tend to just to them at the weekend, as during the week is hectic)

School only measures a few things in life at that age. Basically reading, writing and maths, plus behaviour.

It doesn't measure (well my DC's school doesn't) thoughtfulness, sense of humour, kindness, originality, enthusiasm in their hobbies, creativity, sportiness, musicality, sociability, generosity, curiosity, adaptability, initiative, computer skills etc

As for your twins - they're 3 FFS! If you're concerned about their development speak to the HV / doctor.

it isn;t that he is or isn't a genius, its that its full of comments like "A now needs to share that knoweledge in discussions, does not apply knowledge to written work, needs to work on presentation, needs to write more during lessons, needs to be more independent" etc

Teacher here at secondary. My two lads had additional literacy support; older one wouldn’t join in anything and needed lots of handholding; younger one struggled too. Got to secondary - older one spent more time gaming to avoid my attempts to keep him reading; after bereavement they both struggled, had Camsh involvement and younger one spent year 10 with his head on the desk.

Older one has just got a 2:1 in politics and international relations; younger one got a 2:1 or 1st for every unit at uni.

The point: Please don’t think your twins or older child are being pigeonholed by anything other than the system we have to work in. Kids are kids - they transform and grow, sometimes when you least expect it and can’t believe it. Don’t be so hard on yourself and just love them.

Don't worry about the twins for one minute. It's very common for twins to be slower with speech, and also to be less "on their best behaviour" at nursery together than singletons. If there are two classes it might be as well to try them apart?

With your 8yo, don't overreact. Any little things you can do together will help. I appreciate everything's almost impossible with younger siblings though (when my eldest was 8, I had a 6yo, 4yo and 2yo - there was no intensive tutoring going on!) I made a bug deal of letting my older one "stay up late" but only if he was reading, and then once the younger ones were asleep I'd go in and chat to him in bed about whatever he was reading.

Single mothers are still incredibly vilified in society, including by teachers. My DC reached expected national level despite their teacher putting a disgusting amount of pressure on them for the last two years. They're just a kid, education and life in general was severely interrupted, along with a dog- tired working mum and an absentee father. I feel vindicated by their attainment.

How is there pencil grip? Does their presentation deteriorate from the beginning to end of a piece of work?