to feel defeated by school reports?

[ToddlerIs2]

I feel so sad at all three school reports and can't help but feel it's on me, as their primary parent, that i've let them fail badly.

DS is at expected level on all academic subjects, but the report is full of "he doesn't apply himself enough", "he lets others do it for him", "if he actually expressed it on paper....", he needs to improve his presentation", "He needs to improve his output / stamina" etc. I feel like this is obv about how we've parented him, that he doesn;t feel he needs to push himself or strive to do his best, that he's happy to sit back and just let everyone else do the work. I don't know how to get him to improve his productivity at school. On the occasions he does, school are so positive about it, but then the next day he just doesn't.
Then there's the twins who are at emerging on EVERYTHING, not a single thing at excpected level - is it because they're second borns and twins so i've just not tried enough with them? There isn't one area they're at the right level for.

They all go to the same school and the head teacher obviously reads all the reports, its a small school so she'll def clock the poor attainment is all from the same family.

I just feel so inadequate. I'm a SAHM so i don't even have an excuse of being busy with work.

Besides education is much more than the present limited curriculum. I adore this letter written by a head

https://i2-prod.manchestereveningnews.co.uk/incoming/article16275823.ece/ALTERNATES/s615b/0_Manley.jpg

Your 8 year old sounds a bit like mine. My DD has dysgraphia and possibly inattentive ADHD (obviously not quite the same as your DS). Because she's always been "at expected", from her school's perspective that's job done. She's making expected progress each year, but not excelling. Along with her dysgraphia diagnosis came a full IQ type assessment, so we know she has the potential to do really well.

The school has much bigger issues with the children who aren't "at expected". That has meant that any drive to get her to do more/better comes from me being an annoying parent and requesting meetings and persistently following up. We're still using some of the school expertise - like asking to meet the senco and getting her input - but there's no way they'd have volunteered that support, they don't have the capacity.

The things they've put in place recently for my DD are using a computer for longer pieces of writing and getting to play if she completes all of her maths. Both have been really successful and aren't a big drain on teacher time.

The sad truth is that the parents with sharp elbows make a fuss and eventually their children get what they need. It really worries me that there must be loads of children out there like my DD, but whose parents aren't engaged, can't advocate for them or can't spot issues and get diagnoses.

Fuck no, don’t do this! Terrible advice. It’s much more appropriate to ask what SHE as the PARENT (and Dad, if there is one) can do to help them improve at home. Leave the actual teaching and interventions to the teachers and classroom assistants.

You lad is average. Your younger twins are slightly below. If they are young and were premature it can take quite a few years for them to catch up you know, especially if they're spring or summer babies.
I was asked at work recently if I thought X was pretty. I said no. She was offended so I pointed out that in my eyes only a a smallish % are pretty. She wasn't ugly, just average, which is what most people are.
With your son there is room for improvement but if he's a happy kid, we'll balanced and decent I wouldn't be pushing too much. He has a personality that's independent of your childraising. I wouldn't be surprised if your twins pick up a bit as they get older but they might remain academically pretty average and nothing to write home about. This doesn't define them as people. If you think about your friends, when you describe them do you include what GCSEs they got?
There are bigger things to worry about. No one is judging you

So you need to be armed!

Ask how are you helping him with X Y and Z what can we do as parents to encourage A B C - push the teachers and ask questions

Great, I saw you posted that your son had been diagnosed with autism but didn’t feel quite right.

To me this sounds very much like my ADHD. I’m not typically hyperactive (physically) at all but my mind is constantly on the go, over the years I’ve tamed that a bit into basically having a story/film constantly running in my head.

I did rubbish in primary school but excelled at A levels and found Uni easy. He might be finding primary school work disinteresting because it’s so black and white, often with adhd the world isn’t so black and white or sometimes what everyone else sees as black is white.,often if something isn’t interesting enough it’s hard to get that thing to even exist in your head, let alone be interested in it.

if your DS has an obsession or hyper focus, encourage that and give him plenty of opportunity to explore, encourage research, make visits etc, he’ll be learning so many transferable skills. Once work gets more interesting in secondary he will have all these skills so will be fine.

it’s a great sign he’s meeting expectations at this stage, he will probably fly in secondary - you might just need to accept that primary is not going to float his boat. Just get through it.

Do you do everything for the one who got the lazy report? Maybe start expecting them to do more for themselves, it'll motivate them.

I have a son with asd. His handwriting was awful. We did magic link handwriting (warning, not free, and time commitment needed for parent and child) and it really helped. At that age his school also have him a rough book to scribble down ideas during lessons as they thought there was some disconnect between putting his thoughts down on paper.

Nowadays he uses a keyboard at secondary anyway which has really helped him. He will do GCSEs next year and IMO is not pushing himself to his capacity. But he is doing generally well.

I guess what I'm saying is that your little boy has a lot to deal with in terms of asd. How much have you read about it? What is the school doing to support his assessment? Can understand you have your hands full with twins. At this stage, I wouldn't beat yourself up. He's only 8 and is meeting all the targets.

Nope, DS asked if he was allowed to read his report, i let him, he agreed he needed to focus more but given the report was full of nice stuff, he was happy with it and had a surprise treat as a reward.

tbf, i've only had the diagnosis a few weeks, not even on paper yet. he's had a rough start so he already has an EHCP for some physical stuff and means he's always had a bit of extra help when he's struggled but think school are as clueless as me as to how to get him to keep his focus and concentration. I'm hoping the inclusion report by North Star will help.

We did intend to keep a holiday diary last year but he hated it so much it became this big issue every day but might be worth a try again this year to stop any regression

You have absolutely nothing to worry about! I’ve worked in a child development role, education and had children very close in age. Twins’ development is different from singletons but it all evens out. Generalising I know, but boys in school ‘pace themselves’ shall we say? 😂 But they pull it out of the bag when they really need to. There’s a lot more to life than school. It’s a cliché but just carry on loving and enjoying them. X

Didn’t see last post while I was typing. But wouldn’t change much that I’ve said. X

@mathanxiety he has an EHCP due to a physical issue, he was very delayed with speech at the twins age, totally non verbal really so our SENCO has known him since he was not even 3. But again, i think she just has run out of ways to get his to concentrate because he'll say he understands and will try, but then... We've had an inclusion assessment recently, awaiting the report, and the autism diagnosis is so new it's not even confirmed in writing.

I did suspect ADHD more so than autism, given his lack of focus, and general inability to sit still or be quiet unless he's at school where he's "chilled" bu really he's just inside his head.

He's awful on the keyboard, takes him seconds to find each letter, is it worth persevering at this point?

Don't forget sometimes kids develop a late passion for something that they might not like to begin with, so it's always good to encourage them to try at everything, not just the stuff they like.

A friend of mine hated languages but her form tutor was a language teacher so made her try. At the end of Y9 she decided she actually quite liked them after all, so ended up doing French and German GCSE, then A Level German!

I remember my music report. The teacher wrote "she thinks she is better than she actually is"! My mum was not impressed. Needless to say I got an A* at GCSE so I can't have been that bad!

In regards to your DS, sometimes I think it's just personality. My two eldest boys are both bright but opposite ends of the scale in drive/effort.

DS1 was a high achiever and studied hard got into a good uni course.
DS2 is smart, probably smarter than DS1 but ever since he started school I have had comments like he's smart but he doesn't put in effort. He could do much better. He's now in his final year of school and his teachers have told me he's very relaxed... far too relaxed for his final year of school. Honestly nothing seems to make a difference. But when I step back and look at DH's family there is a whole lot of talent with zero drive among them too. I think that's just how he is.

My son is very target and structured orientated. He liked to see his progress which is why the Magic Link was very good for him.

If your son is similar he may prefer that rather than trying to think about what to write in a holiday diary. (My son hates figuring out by himself what to write).
With the keyboard is he following a learning program or just trying to find a letter? Unfortunately, the desire to watch you tube videos made my son very adept at the keyboard!

I don't know much about adhd though. Anyhow, don't beat yourself up about this. You have a new diagnosis. Absorb it. Read up about it. Then see how you and the school can support your son. He sounds like a good lad! Sorry, don't know much about twins!

What’s his current obsession? Can you look at this, do some work over the holidays? Get him to look stuff up on the computer? Write up something about it? Maybe visit somewhere if relevant? Try and connect some other things in? Maths, history, geography etc can be linked into anything. This will enable you to work with rather than struggle against. Get a mini project going over the holidays about his obsession.

One of my twins at 8 could barely write 3 lines,was constantly moving / sensory seeking and had lots of issues with dexterity. He also has ASD and ADHD and EDS. Tried lots of clubs gave them all up. He has just finished yr 6, in the interim he has matured, started ADHD meds and gone back to gym having given up twice where he is now doing really well now he is stronger and more settled. He has also just got greater depth in all his sats. Don't despair, support him and be there for him. He is very young and if ND will be several years behind his peers in many social and emotional ways but will get there in his own time. My school reports were always like that too until it started to come together at about 13. I've done ok. I am also ND... diagnosed in adulthood. My parents taking the strong arm punative approach did nothing but destroy my self esteem for ever. I have always been determined NEVER to do that to my son who is a carbon copy of me at the same age.

He's awful on the keyboard, takes him seconds to find each letter, is it worth persevering at this point?

Being able to type is a good skill for coding anyway, or I would tell him that. It means that if the school suggest him typing he will be able to take advantage of that. I would though still persevere with writing short stuff by hand - postcards etc.

You can also try getting him to dictate to you or use WORD dictation so that he can practice the skill of writing stories/ facts separate from handwriting. It can help to reduce the frustration of not being able to communicate clearly when writing. If he starts to enjoy writing stories then he can later combine the two skills. He could maybe write short stories (by dictating) and then read to the twins and they can practice playing schools. I remember my dc playing schools with all the teddies out as padding for extra children. You could be his TA.

That is really lovely.
I wish more kids were told this.
So much pressure these days to perform like seals.

If he's known to senco and your still getting those type of reports from school, school really is epically failing and/or you need a more specialist placement. You certainly need an urgent update to the EHCP. Things like the complaints over participation in class seem counterintuitive to a child with autism IF the teachers are aware and accommodating the diagnosis

It's not that the things mentioned are OK, but Disciplining them away is unlikely to be successful. He needs the right support

Yes typing is worth pursuing, specifically try nessie fingers software which id designed for SEN kids to learn to type. But consider encouraging some of the old fashioned pc games like age of myth that develop But if he can't get to grips with typing they ought to be exploring stuff like clicker 6 ( although it probably isn't 6 anymore) and/or dependent of clarity of speech ( dragontouch voice input typing packages. ( you can try the word voice imput feature but it isnt as good). The dragon touch takes a little while to get to grips with, I love it, DS struggled with it but it was still his best shot at independent writing, DD was quicker touch typing (her secondary put everyone with any kind of need, physical or otherwise through touch typing). If it's your child's regular means of working they can carry it through to the exam. I suspect this should all feature in the ehcp, evidence of need being those ridiculous reports. You really could do with a better ot

All these things the earlier you start these the better and they take time to yield results.

I meant to say old pc games that require you to use keyboard shortcuts to encourage keyboard skills

I don't think it's your fault.

I have 1 child exceeding, 2 children expected, and 1 emerging - all parented the same, all have the same level of input from me (very hands on). Nothing to do with birth order either (2nd born is exceeding, 3rd is emerging, 1st and 4th expected, and 4th is an August baby too). You are worrying unnecessarily. Not all kids are academically bright. I've never worried about grades either - eldest is due to sit his SATS next year and he will get no pressure from me whatsoever. I only want him to do his best.

Give yourself a break.

Much should he funded through the EHCP. Schools have a role in documenting need and evidencing this for the EHCP.

If need exceeds the funding from the EHCP, then extra funding can be obtained. Again this needs school and experts to evidence difficulties accurately.

There really isn't a political point here. The EHCP can and should fund provision.

The bigger problem is the number of kids who don't have EHCPs who should , which often IS the fault of the school not documenting and identifying need. All to often it's left to the parents to challenge a LEA failure to assess or piss poor NHS therapy report.

Give yourself a gentle shake followed by big hug

Why in earth I are your child's personality due to a parenting fail ?

Twins have speech delay and are THREE!!' Ffs stop fretting !

Why are you the primary parent ? Both parents raise kids shake off the mummy martyrdom - does OH feel guilty ?

Get a grip , hire tutor for eldest if you can afford