to feel defeated by school reports?

[ToddlerIs2]

I feel so sad at all three school reports and can't help but feel it's on me, as their primary parent, that i've let them fail badly.

DS is at expected level on all academic subjects, but the report is full of "he doesn't apply himself enough", "he lets others do it for him", "if he actually expressed it on paper....", he needs to improve his presentation", "He needs to improve his output / stamina" etc. I feel like this is obv about how we've parented him, that he doesn;t feel he needs to push himself or strive to do his best, that he's happy to sit back and just let everyone else do the work. I don't know how to get him to improve his productivity at school. On the occasions he does, school are so positive about it, but then the next day he just doesn't.
Then there's the twins who are at emerging on EVERYTHING, not a single thing at excpected level - is it because they're second borns and twins so i've just not tried enough with them? There isn't one area they're at the right level for.

They all go to the same school and the head teacher obviously reads all the reports, its a small school so she'll def clock the poor attainment is all from the same family.

I just feel so inadequate. I'm a SAHM so i don't even have an excuse of being busy with work.

And yet another reason why I home educate. To avoid this ridiculous system of expecting children (even toddlers at nursery now it seems!) to all develop at the same rate, to all follow a particular line on an arbitrary graph and meet such rigid expectations at a set time.
All this does is put pressure on children and their parents and make those who are ‘emerging’ or ‘expected’ (what bullshit terminology) feel like they are somehow failing or falling behind some imaginary timeline. Children are not robots. They all develop at different rates and in different ways.
OP you need to take those reports with a huge pinch of salt and step back and look at the bigger picture.

You sound so excessively hard on yourself, OP. Fwiw, I think you sound amazing just for coping with twins plus an older child. Give yourself a break!

Are you academically high achieving, and so this bothers you more than it might?

@Purplepeoniesdroppingpetals i think low self worth / esteem and over-thinking rather than anxiety per se.

@Mustreadabook they'd def rather talk in twin to each other. they have whole conversations in their own language. they also use sentences more at home than school .

@mrwalkensir 42

@NoSquirrels certainly at DSs age i was top of the class, knew it and liked it. i see myself in him in so many ways but this, he's def more his rather. i loved having extra home work and pushing myself and although i didn't excel in a selective school, i still went to Uni, and am currently studying for a 2nd undergrad degree. So i'm academically minded i guess. Dad was less inclined but smarter than me, got a scholarship to a selective school

A classroom assistant at our primary told the youngest's mother in reception that he was "immature" - he was 11 months younger than the oldest. Also, twins have a lot going on intellectually with their sibling - relax!

Somehow your replies do not come as a surprise.

I suspect you need a much better OT

Can you afford private OT?

@ToWhitToWhoo tbf the one thing i know we've done right with him is he's a bookworm. they've always been a safe space. he reads tons, and is slightly ahead of his age. has mature vocab, and an amazing imagination

@StopStartStop thank you. yes, even if the autism diagnosis turns out to be wrong, we've known he's not exactly NT.

They are not failing - they are simply being themselves. They are just small people adjusting to the world at their own speed and in their own way.

You are not failing - your children are loved and cared for.

Children are asked to achieve levels and tick boxes that have nothing at all to do with humanity.

"They are at emerging for everything" - it is such bollocks - such meaningless claptrap - they are 3 FGS!

Your job is to tell them how wonderful they all are - and stick the reports on the bin - right now!

👏 well said.

If the twins have another year left in nursery then it wouldn't be all that unusual to mark them as emerging currently it they are being graded against the end of nursery year markers. Being twins as well will often mean that language and social skills will be seen as lower if they have their own twin methods of communication which lots of twins do. Maybe discuss the most important things that you can do over the summer to support them with the teachers, but also remember they are the covid cohort who are generally coming through nursery at a lower level than previous cohorts.

@JonSnowedUnder he has friends but no "firm friendships", he def has some social issues around reading other people and understanding their emotions etc. He loves anything practical, its the actual writing he struggles with, getting it down on paper

@Sugargliderwombat i don't think for a minute they're telling the kids stuff, and the report is full of lots of positives and cute anecdotes.
There are no age bands in the EYFS now. They are emerging until they achieve the ELG at the end of reception. this is interesting, thanks

@MumblesParty alas no, they just speak in their own twin language.

@BeverlyHa Depends also is a school attached to an estate or gathers larger community with professional parents who take pride in their children's achievements.. Both - estate, full on working class deprived area, with parents who take pride in their children's achievements.

@CocoPlum no December, so will be oldest eventually, but started January this year

@OMG12 we did lots before covid, less since covid lifted and we had twins but they all love our local art gallery, eldest is a huge reader and knows Daddy and Mommy read lots too, DS goes through phases of his topic of interest so we get little choice but to participate 😂 as he gets obsessed. he's a sensitive kid so i'm wary of what news etc he sees but he loves science, non fiction books are given out at school as part of the reading scheme and he has a bedroom fit for a bookshop of fiction and non-fic. It's just sometimes hard to squeeze anything else in alongside his current obsession

I can’t believe you even get written reports in nursery. My child struggles in many aspects of school but the most important thing I took from their report was that they have friends, are happy and they are progressing albeit slowly. The teacher told me they are behind but they are on their own learning journey.

i need to go t bed but thank you for the comments and i'll finish reading tomorrow.

to say i let him read his report, he agreed with it and he got a colouring book linked to his current obsession as a reward for his report so he only knows we're proud but he has stuff to work on next year. The 3 yos live in perpetual assumption that they're epic.

Get your 8yr old to start touch typing at home, he will find it less frustrating and can get used to telling stories without worrying about letter formation. He could also do five minutes a day letter writing over the holidays. My eldest was in a similar position at his age, currently waiting to see if have the grades for medical school. A lot can change with time, maturity and the right support. Even if at the end of secondary he is in a similar position there are lots of jobs which do not require lots of qualifications which pay as well, sometimes better, than some graduate roles. The twins are 3 so I really wouldn't worry at this stage.

*I mean forming letters, not writing letters to send to people but he could do that too. Postcards to Granny, letter to someone he looks up to, letter complaining about something to MP etc.

I continuously got report cards like that ‘so laid back shes horizontal’ etc right through my school years, despite very often my best efforts.

it was echoed at home and drilled into me just how ungrateful I was…except I didn’t fit in, I was being bullied at school…and 20 years later I have a dusnosdx ASD child and one that’s showing some signs.

Schools have a habit of blaming kids until crisis point. And nothing seems to have changed.

I can’t tell you the effects it had on me. And there are plenty of forums out there full of adults who were undiagnosed who experienced similar

You know your child. You know if they’re doing their best or not. Stick to what you know, and if a professional is telling you you’re wrong and your kid is just lazy and you knis dufferent, don’t let them bully you into bullying your child. Advocate for them - that’s what actual support is. Not this thinly veneered ‘support’ offered in schools which 9 times out of 10 is nothing more than forcing a square peg into a refund hole.

Ask for constructive feedback - follow that. If it’s not working, there’s a reason and it’s generally not just a ‘lazy’ child.

How? With what funding? Simply, no. The question needs to be why aren't the government funding schools adequately to ensure children get what they need to succeed.

You are catastrophising here.

You have turned a normal situation (i.e. DS not getting As across the board in Yr3) into one that is make or break.

It's quite likely that your child has realised they have disappointed you or has sensed that this is a high stakes thing and has lost any joy in learning he may have ever had as a result.

My advice is to start dealing appropriately with your own anxiety.

Interesting...I laughed with my DC the other day about how the coolest reports are ones where the perceived 'effort' is way below the attained level!

We agreed the best way is to enjoy the process, working at things you enjoy or want to improve.

I've just seen your post mentioning DS 8 has had an autism diagnosis.

Of course that's affecting his school performance. Does he have an individual education plan?

He sounds lovely and very engaged in learning when he's interested in the topics. Perhaps he's bored at school, or simply not finding the subjects or ways of teaching engaging? My son's reports improved hugely when he became happier at school with a more relaxed teacher and when they started doing more interesting work in year 4. It also helped when I spoke to teachers and they made small efforts to give him some attention — simply asking what he was interested in, what he liked reading, etc., so as to make him feel his interests mattered and that his effort was acknowledged.

I'm sure if you keep encouraging your son's interests he'll flourish when he finds school topics he enjoys.

He’s got processing issues and autism, these things will have no reflection on his academic ability. He will be entitled to more time in exams.

Awww kids are all different. I know a university lecturer's children who are doing terribly in school, despite her beat efforts to support them. It doesn't mean it's the parent. And 3 is so tiny.

he got a colouring book linked to his current obsession as a reward for his report so he only knows we're proud but he has stuff to work on next year. The 3 yos live in perpetual assumption that they're epic.

This sounds like you’re a great parent!
Both my DC developed at their own pace. BUT you don’t see it until years later, at the time it’s just a great big worryfest that they’re behind or not doing xyz…

Here’s my 2p’s worth:
Twins - are always behind when they’re little, if they think they’re epic then honestly the confidence you’ve allowed them to build is enough and if they like books and learning new things, then the world’s their oyster. Also schools will usually be used to dealing with twins when they get to that age. Although assuming this is their last academic year before starting school, I’d start some school prep like being able to get changed into PE kit, put their shoes on etc.

8yo - my eldest never met targets during primary school, but really developed her determination and ability to work independently once she turned 13. So, I’d pick one thing to work on each term. could you start with - putting you hand up and answering teachers question once a day or once per lesson or something. Then it shows he’s engaging in class so they may stop with some of their other comments which seem harsh on an 8yo boy.