to feel defeated by school reports?

[ToddlerIs2]

I feel so sad at all three school reports and can't help but feel it's on me, as their primary parent, that i've let them fail badly.

DS is at expected level on all academic subjects, but the report is full of "he doesn't apply himself enough", "he lets others do it for him", "if he actually expressed it on paper....", he needs to improve his presentation", "He needs to improve his output / stamina" etc. I feel like this is obv about how we've parented him, that he doesn;t feel he needs to push himself or strive to do his best, that he's happy to sit back and just let everyone else do the work. I don't know how to get him to improve his productivity at school. On the occasions he does, school are so positive about it, but then the next day he just doesn't.
Then there's the twins who are at emerging on EVERYTHING, not a single thing at excpected level - is it because they're second borns and twins so i've just not tried enough with them? There isn't one area they're at the right level for.

They all go to the same school and the head teacher obviously reads all the reports, its a small school so she'll def clock the poor attainment is all from the same family.

I just feel so inadequate. I'm a SAHM so i don't even have an excuse of being busy with work.

Also, teachers HAVE to write targets for all kids- every single report will have "now needs to..." or "would benefit from...." type comments.

The twins are only 3, so I wouldn't worry about them. But I'm curious - why did you think nursery would do a better job of "educating" them than you? Surely in a group setting with lots of kids per adult, they're less likely to learn. Much easier to just quietly fade into the background. At home with you you can talk to them, read to them, take them to interesting places. I think they'd do better at home with you.
Your older child is only 8 - plenty of 8 year old boys can't be bothered with school. I'd encourage him but I wouldn't lose sleep over it.

I'm gobsmacked by the nursery report though. My kids went to nursery when I was at work, and I was told what they'd eaten and if they'd done a poo, and that was it!! That was all I needed to know. How crazy the world has become.

@Flockameanie attitudes like yours are the reason teachers are leaving the profession in droves 🙄

Your twins have a speech delay, so of course they’re going to be “emerging” on their EYFS report. My son was speech delayed at that age too. Please don’t catastrophise or blame yourself. It’s common for twins to be delayed.

No, they have a different personality type than others. Some are lazy, some really apply themselves, some just do what it takes to get by.

But a school is best placed, as the child is at school to learn. That doesn't mean that a parent can't do reading with them etc.

My daughter has really turned things around in year 5 with an amazing teacher supporting her. Don't give up.
I pushed the reading and hoped the rest would follow.

I think you're projecting OP.

Your kids sound absolutely normal. Speech delay and associated difficulties are common in twins and common in 3 year olds. I think you're being unnecessarily stressed about 3 year olds. A LOT changes at that age.

And your eldest is only 8.

My school reports were constantly going on about my lack of application; I loved to chat. Isn't that normal? I loved school because I chatted. I typically got B's and C's and now have a good job, nice house and lovely family.

You sound very stressed. Is there more going on? Your expectations seem way too high.

And your comment about the head judging you as a family, I guarantee they won't have thought that. I work in a school and reading 200+ reports is tedious. They're mostly the same too, most kids are doing ok but could focus more, that's the deal with kids!

Please don't project your own issues on them, it sounds like they're doing just fine.

No, it's because education is poorly funded and they are being asked to do too much especially pointless paperwork and deal with largely pointless Ofsted requirements.

Working as expected means they are average.

'Average' has somehow morphed into being a negative word that many people interpret as 'below average' . Did it start with that government muppet who said all children should achieve above average? (Gove?)

I think you need to flip your thinking here. Average is another word for normal. Most children are normal and this is not a failure.

You're taking these reports far too harshly for your kids' age. The way you wrote about them, I expected your eldest to be in secondary school and your youngest in ks2!

In my experience with nursery reports, my child has magically hit "reaches expectations" just as he's about to move up rooms. But I agree if you're genuinely concerned about their development, see your health visiting team.

A lot of parents of kids with speech and language needs are put under pressure to do nursery to ensure appropriate socialisation. I won't say what I think about think about that....

OP Whenever I hear siblings have speech and language needs and teachers are talking about laziness/better presentation I start thinking what needs have been missed. Hence the questions about presentation and pencil grip.....

My primary school reports always said I talked too much and didn't put enough effort in. I got As and Bs in my O levels, As in my A levels, and now I'm a doctor. So all that chatting and not looking keen enough wasn't really a problem.

As a teacher @Flockameanie 's post is exactly what I would be thinking.

I would be wanting a meeting to look at books and find out what is properly going on

big one? awkward and resented. he finds it painful without a pencil grip but OT hasn't been much use.

Do you have discussions at home? Talk about the news, trips to historical places, discuss what happened there, get them to use their imagination, talk about tv programmes
to help with comprehension and thought process, discuss questions that arise. Do you and dad model curiosity? Are you curious about their likes/dislikes - or show real interest and get to know stuff about their interests so you can hold conversations (prob more relevant to 8 year old) Do they see you and dad read?

Does your 8yo do any extra curricular activities that focus attention without feeling like they are focusing their attention?

My son (11) is bright, he absorbs information like a sponge and is very artistic, but academic he struggles. He has suspected dyslexia and I am wondering about dyspraxia. His concentration is hit and miss. If something interests him he will give it his all, but if it doesn't hold his attention, there is zero chance he will try. He can work out maths in his head like nobody else I know, but ask him to put his working out on paper (which school kinda asks for) and he struggles.

He recently started martial arts classes (kickboxing in his case) and the change in his concentration in just a few months is incredible. He is learning to channel his focus, listen and challenge himself. He loves it and doesn't consider it learning or sport. It's just his "thing" that he is getting really good at, like his artwork.

Perhaps your eldest would benefit from a regular activity that focuses their mind, it really does carry forward to the rest of their day-to-day life.

The twins have plenty of time to get to where they need to be. Neither of my kids started getting into their stride and making leaps until Y1. Others will be quicker, others slower.

Please don't beat yourself up. If your child is expected but doesn't apply himself all the time (very normal particularly for boys who take longer to mature) then that is great. It means when he does grow up a bit he will do really well. Chat with the teacher if you are worried before you panic. But sounds very normal to me for a year three boy!

The 3 year olds are tiny and some kids wouldn't even be in an educational setting! They don't need anything extra apart from the normal nice stuff you do. Emerging just means emerging I.e. they will get it when they are ready. In my opinion we worry far too early about achievement early on (teacher here).

There is no way on God's green earth a head teacher would be looking at 3 normal kids reports and judging your parenting. Heads see all sorts!

Is there anyone ND in your families? Dyslexia, dyspraxia, ASD, ADHD?

I know people hate people suggesting this sort of thing but if older one is really struggling with pencil grip/and writing has anyone considered he might be dyspraxic? How is he with using a knife and fork, tying shoe laces, riding a bike etc?

With the twins as soon as anyone says 'doesn't like transitions' I always immediately think - could be ASD. Obviously they're not much more than babies so absolutely might just be their very young age.

I say this just on the basis that DS has ASD and is dyspraxic and these were the early signs for him - but equally it absolutely might not be the case. We have a lot of ND family members.

Because when at home with me, they had virtually no English, and there weren't doing the things their peers were presumably because i'm a useless parent

we've had a autism diagnosis for eldest but i'm unsure about it. everyone else seems to have had to jump through hoops to get it but our specialist paediatrian diagnosed him. mild and atypical. there is some issues with processing speed too

So you have an autistic 8 year old and three year old prem twins with language delay and you are worried that they aren’t flying through nursery/primary?

I think the reason you quest ds1’s dx which a Dr saw “easily” is you probably support him so well he is doing exceptionally well given his disability. I would imagine the detailed listing of where he is not doing so well is to highlight clearly that he does have difficulty and where so he can get support in the future. I would also imagine they are Uber aware that language delay can also be seen in younger autistics and they want the twins to have a clear history of where they are. Significant language delay can be caused by extreme neglect (think kept away from all stimulation), it sounds unlikely you did that. So it’s far more likely something else. Some children talk later, prem babies can struggle (my twins were born early too), autistic children can struggle to gain language in line with their peers. I’d poddle over to the SN board and find some company.

Rubbish. If they aren't bothered about pushing themselves, there is very little the school can do.

It's easier to blame the school than your own parenting though I guess.

Firstly don’t worry about it. Secondly - parents evening - just have a honest conversation about it - say you’re concerned and if there’s any strategies that they can advise to support. You might just be surprised and be reassured that this is all entirely normal and expected.

Lots of autistic people struggle with theory of mind eg understanding what level of detail they may be expected to share to others. My DC is very logical so he wouldn't see the point of telling the teacher the answer to something he knows the teacher already knows, for example.

He may be struggling with executive function which would affect independence and it also sounds like he struggles with pencil grip which of course will impact presentation.

In other words yes he may need a bit more support but it's not down to you not doing some magical thing other parents are doing. You're probably doing MORE without knowing it. It's just he needs more support than others. And you're not at fault for not magically knowing what that is.

Honestly, as the parents of a child who has ACTUALLY done badly, I think you're worrying and beating yourself up way too much and your time would be better spent trying to figure out what support your children might benefit from.

God those poor kids. One with a diagnosis of autism is meeting all expected levels, and THREE year old preschoolers and you consider them failing for not being above average?