to feel defeated by school reports?

[ToddlerIs2]

I feel so sad at all three school reports and can't help but feel it's on me, as their primary parent, that i've let them fail badly.

DS is at expected level on all academic subjects, but the report is full of "he doesn't apply himself enough", "he lets others do it for him", "if he actually expressed it on paper....", he needs to improve his presentation", "He needs to improve his output / stamina" etc. I feel like this is obv about how we've parented him, that he doesn;t feel he needs to push himself or strive to do his best, that he's happy to sit back and just let everyone else do the work. I don't know how to get him to improve his productivity at school. On the occasions he does, school are so positive about it, but then the next day he just doesn't.
Then there's the twins who are at emerging on EVERYTHING, not a single thing at excpected level - is it because they're second borns and twins so i've just not tried enough with them? There isn't one area they're at the right level for.

They all go to the same school and the head teacher obviously reads all the reports, its a small school so she'll def clock the poor attainment is all from the same family.

I just feel so inadequate. I'm a SAHM so i don't even have an excuse of being busy with work.

Goodness- I had assumed that your older child was at secondary school, and the twins at least 5 or 6. But 8 and 3? No child should be seen as 'failing' at 3! They are twins; you mention that they have some speech delay (not unusual in twins); AND they are essentially still toddlers. If the nursery really is treating them as though they are failing the 'three-plus', then perhaps it's time to find a new nursery! But very likely the nursery is just looking constructively for ways of helping them to progress. As for the older child- even at 8, many intelligent children are not yet very dedicated to academic pursuits (in some countries children don't even start formal school until 6 or 7) and he's apparently achieving adequately, so definitely not 'failing'. And after all, he will have spent his first year or two of schooling under 'lockdown' conditions followed by restrictions and frequent school closures. Perhaps you could talk to the school about possible ways to help him along. And as pp have said, encourage him to join the library and develop the 'reading habit'. But please don't let any of them feel that they're failures: that really could put them off school and learning before they've really even begun.

Deep breaths.
Let this be a lesson to you - take whatever appears on school reports with a pinch of salt. Learn - and teach your children - not to set store on what is said by people who think they are in authority. Make your own assessments based on your more detailed knowledge and deep love for each other.
I was a teacher for 21 years.
Love your babies. Have ice cream or go to the playground. You're a great mum. It will all be fine.

I haven't read the full thread (I'm such a rebel!) but is your eldest who is neurodivergent and 'not pushing'? Listen to grandma here. I came in the top three every year in primary school and every report said 'Could try harder!' No we (nd people) can't. We can do what we can do, and no more.

This post stood out to me, he's 8 and you've already got him in the bottom sets in high school and leaving with no exams. That's quite a leap.

I'm not saying there aren't things you can't do to get him more engaged but please don't get so wound up. It won't help him.

How is he at school socially? Does he have friends, what lessons does he enjoy? Maybe a reward chart of some kind?

The twins I would ask their teacher for their view. Are they just developing slowly, not uncommon for twins at this age. Does he/she have any concerns? Please don't frame either them or yourself as failing though.

THREE?!!! It means little. My three year old couldn't write like the others, staff weren't sure if he'd cope at primary. He got all 9s in GCSE and 3 A* at A level. Nursery staff are looking at a small area of their abilities.

You need to stop worrying about it, there is so much time for your kids to reach their potential. You also can't make them be a certain way. My son was like this - didn't apply himself properly until at least 16. Just graduated with a Masters in a very difficult subject that he hadn't once been in the top set for throughout school.

I had one teacher for two years in primary school and she called me lazy constantly. I have a first degree from a good university and graduated first in my faculty. Screw you Miss McNeill!!

If you're school is making you feel this how are they making your children feel ? I would have serious doubts about a report so full of negativity. It should be reporting on progress and giving actual next steps/ targets.

There are no age bands in the EYFS now. They are emerging until they achieve the ELG at the end of reception.

It isn't always a morality play. Goodness doesn't always win and doing badly doesn't mean being bad. 'Working hard' and 'trying your best' can be hard for a kid who needs to move or struggles to write. Being an involved, caring mum doesn't always mean a glowing school report - and someone has to be average.

Flip it round - your autistic 9 year old is coping in mainstream. He's learning, achieving, and gets along with his peers. Your severely speech delayed twins are now speaking. That's not bad. It really, really isn't. It's kids will be fine adults territory, just might not be the smoothest ride there

Oh, and chuck the reward charts. They don't work.

Try not to worry! I was the exact same with my first, had his first school report and it was great! Second school report was hmm ok, next one after that was more focused on what he needed to do to improve such as “writing sentences clearly” etc etc.

I also got very down feeling guilty that maybe I’d let something slip as I was pregnant with our second!
my eldest will be 8 in Aug so he’s in year 3, moving into year 4 September.

he will be receiving his school report this week! However during parents evening they said about his strengths such as artwork, literacy but he needed to improve on maths.

ill be proud of him no matter what the school report says, I know he’s still struggling in some areas, I know we’re doing all we can to support him, I was also told by his teacher that usually it just clicks and they all catch up to the same point eventually!

ask the school what you can do/how you can help him improve, ask what steps they are taking with this aswell, ask them for tips on how to encourage motivation (my son was and still does struggle being motivated if it’s a subject he doesn’t particularly like I.e maths) we just make it fun for him and then he’s all ears!

look for educational places to take them all during the summer holidays, we always go to see museums and old houses where they lived in the war, this sparked a huge interest in my sons for history and loves seeing how they lived during them times.

put maths/literacy songs on for them so they sing along, visits to the library so they can pick there own stories for bedtime.

don’t beat yourself up! You’ve got three children, twins! Your doing the best you can, it will naturally just click into place for them all, also my second son is moving into reception and I’m not worried at all about his report, he’s in nursery and to me there still incredibly young! I’ll be proud of both of them no matter what areas need improvement, everything is fixable.

Please don't feel you've failed - you haven't. As a teacher, I can assure you we don't judge families on academic attainment.

For your eldest, he is at the expected level which is great! Maybe he doesn't 'push himself' but perhaps he doesn't know how? I would maybe ask the school what they can do to support him further. It may be that if he is a good, middle of the road kid, he gets overlooked in a class of 30 kids?

With the twins - they are very little. All children are different and do things at different paces. They may well catch up by reception. Apologies if I have missed this but were they born at term or premature? It can make a difference.

It's worth remembering that while we all have high hopes for our dc, we can't all be really academic. They will have their talents!

DC2 is only a year out of nursery and I have no memory of anything in her reports. If there was anything about targets she was measured against I can't imagine I would have taken any notice of it, not at 3.

Hang on - you say they had virtually no English at home? Does that mean that English isn’t your first language, and your kids are being brought up bilingual? Because that puts a totally different spin on it.

either the school is too picky or the kids are not that academic and not that ambitious to impress anyone. I come from a family of people who would pay their last penny so I had private tuition, married with a teacher and to this day have not done amazing amount of work with the kids, but they just get on with it and want to impress their teachers. Depends also is a school attached to an estate or gathers larger community with professional parents who take pride in their children's achievements. Beating yourself is not good. If this is my kids school, the SENCO or teachers already would have asked me what I think should be done for the progress lacking to be made or inform me what they are planning etc. Has this been communicated to you, or happy go lucky, every year bad report but nobody taking care of it????

When is their birthday? If the twins are summer born, you could consider delaying their school start for a year.

But none of them seem to be "failing badly"! Reports at 3 are just a vague guideline. They are babies. And your 8yo is at expected. That's great!

If you want some ideas, I love mrsmillersaidso on Instagram. She has some fab ideas and info for workbooks etc.

3 as in 36 months, or 3 as in 47? Huge difference at that age

I wouldn't worry too much about the 3 year olds, they all develop so very differently at that age. Twins are often speech delayed (they don't know why but it's a known thing, perhaps because they are obsessed with each other instead of someone who can speak!) but they get there. My twins didn't walk or talk till they were 2 and had speech therapy for a few years from age 3. By SATS year 6 they were in top 10%.

I’m not sure I’ve ever seen someone on MN beat themself up about something so much with so little cause. Your older child is likely autistic but is achieving at expected. Your twins have speech delay, not unusual with twins. They are still tiny, they’ll get there. You want to support all your children to do as well as they can.

None of that makes you a shit parent, so why do you think it does? Do you often struggle with anxiety? Be kind to yourself.

Eh, I’d ignore the 3 year olds’ report. At nursery I reckon they just tick random boxes. My eldest was always way ahead in speech and things like dressing himself, behind in other areas, and his nursery reports gave him the same grade across the board. They tried to explain it, I didn’t get it….honestly, at that age, it’s meaningless.

The 8 year old- he’s in year 3. It’s the cohort that was hit hardest by covid. They missed the first two years of schooling and didn’t do all the learning to apply themselves and sit still stuff that they should have done. Honestly, your report could describe 90% of the boys in my - also year 3 - ds’s son’s class. The teachers at our school are tearing their hair out with our year 3s and I’m hearing that it’s the same in other local schools.

Try giving him more sport, perhaps a football team or swimming will help and also potentially help self esteem and purpose etc? That may end up helping in the classroom eg sports field discipline of taking instructions, listening to a coach/teacher, practicing tasks etc

I kind of see his point tbh. And at least he won't suffer burnout from overdoing it! My daughter is the same - always takes the easy option!

My ds got 3 A grades at A Level. He’s dyslexic and never got expected in primary school - not even once!! Parents evenings and reports were always a disaster. Now he’s at university and flying.
I stopped going to parents evenings in primary school because it was so depressing.
Don’t worry. Read to him, hear him read and just don’t worry.

he honestly couldn't be less interested in football etc. we did dance for a while then swapped to gymnastics, but his lack of progress over several years put him off. he just couldn't progress past forward rolls. part dexterity, part willingness to take the metaphorical and literal leaps. we now do Beavers, Cubs soon and that's it. Hoping for Drama after school club which will inc dancing.

thanks, that's interesting. our class has a rep for being hard work, two kids with confirmed autism - one waiting for special school, another couple with def behaviour / impulse issues, plus DS. They're a lovely class, but they've had extra staff in until next year - hadnt considered it a covid thing, just an out kids thing

For a bit of perspective my sister has twins who are about to turn 4, when I was there in October I could hardly understand a word one of them said, I was asking his twin to “interpret” for me. It wasn’t much different at Easter,

I have been there a lot recently, about 2.5 weeks across the last month, they have been at a different nursery and what a difference, I have only had to ask for interpretation a couple of times. It has been amazing.

Your twins may improve in a bound.

Were your twins premature? My sister’s were, and their development has been behind.

OP you have got twin preschoolers. You are already winning at parenting! I’ve got twins too and it is a battle just getting everything done let alone the extra stuff and you are at uni as well. You need to have some compassion for yourself. They are loved and looked after and going to school. You are not lazy. You are doing your best.

My DTs are finishing reception now but DTS had a severe speech delay/disorder
at 3. DTD and I were the only ones who could understand him. I was so worried about him going to school but he’s caught up in everything now except for writing and fine motor skills (he has DCD/dyspraxia.) Don’t underestimate how far they come on during the reception year. You are clearly intelligent and also give a shit. I really think your kids will be fine. If they need more outside help you will advocate for them.

Re: your DS1, have OT given him a handwriting assessment and course? This really helped my DD10 (also has dyspraxia). They also flagged to the school that she should have a writing slope as well as pencil grips and more importantly be allowed to use a chrome book for any sustained pieces of writing. This has really helped as she doesn’t get so bogged down in presentation which is better for her self esteem so she works harder.

I hope things get easier for you. You sound like a great parent.