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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To be absolutely disgusted at DS?

472 replies

Cath60 · 12/07/2023 15:45

Where to even start with this? At the start, I suppose? DS, now 28, broke up with his partner, now 27, about a year and a half ago. She was absolutely devastated at the time. For all of us it came virtually out of nowhere. We knew he was depressed (my FIL died and he was hating his uni course he'd left his job for), but didn't see it coming. He said he just saw her as a friend, and that was it. His ex-partner took a while to accept the situation. The way she described it to me at the time was it was like her life was falling apart. She'd moved to be with DS, they'd bought a house together (and at the time wasn't in a position buy again because her job was zero hours) and very much saw my family as her's - she absolutely doted on my granddaughter (probably babysat the most, after me and DH). For the rest of the family, it was really sad. We absolutely loved her - she'd been really good for DS (and was the first relationship he'd had that had got to 6 months), but we'd rather it end than continue a relationship like that, when they were both so young. She did wrap her head around it and had a bit of a rebound fling while they were selling the house (good for her!). DS also started seeing a girl from his course - which I thought was a bit quick, but he seemed happy.

DS and ex-partner both still lived together in the house while they were selling it and got on, and kept in touch after they sold and she moved back home. I've exchanged the occasional message with her and she popped in on the way back from a work event to pick some bits DS had accidentally packed with his things. She seems to be getting on really well - she managed to buy a new house and has been with her new boyfriend for about 9 months.

I bumped into her the other day, while out shopping. We ended up going for a coffee and a catch-up. I showed her photos of my granddaughter and she commented on how big she'd got. I did tell her I thought it was for the best, what happened. Both DS and her seem happier than they were, and it wasn't like it was anyone's fault. She then pulled a face. After a bit of prodding, she then said there was something she thought I should know. She said there was "overlap" between the new girlfriend, and her. DS had been seeing the new girlfriend for the last few months of his relationship with his ex-partner. I absolutely believe her, not because I assume he'd do that, but because I'd never believe in a million years she'd make it up. She said he called her a month or so after they'd sold the house and told her the truth out of guilt. They were still friends at that point, they'd still been in fairly regular contact at that point. She said he told her she was his best friend and couldn't continue lying to her. The only contact they had after that was sorting out closing their joint current account.

I've never been so angry with him in my entire life. I can't believe he did that to that poor girl. She uprooted her life for him, barely saw family and friends for years to be with him, we had basically adopted her into our family and he does that to her? Obviously, I'm also very unhappy with the girlfriend too - she knew DS was in a committed relationship. He doesn't know I know. I haven't even told DH because he'll go absolutely ballistic at them both.

OP posts:
Takentomybed · 12/07/2023 17:44

I feel sorry for your son here. You have only heard her side so who knows exactly what happened. Not your relationship to get involved in.

I'm remembering how hurtful I found it when my F took my ex husbands side when we split, just because my manipulative ex spoke to him all upset and twisted things. I was always very private about the hideous way my ex treated me. But I was apparently the bad one for ending it

Mollylegs · 12/07/2023 17:45

Hi @Cath60 I think your obviously a nice person, my husband of 20 years left and even though I live very close to my in laws they haven't bothered with me much at all. We were very close, I saw my MIL practically every day for years and years they have doubled the pain. I didn't just lose my husband I feel like I lost my family too. I'm so glad that you are being supportive and believed what she told you. I'm glad you are being supportive towards her. x

MsRosley · 12/07/2023 17:45

I understand how you feel, OP. I think you are grieving for the loss of the son you would liked to have had. It's very hard to accept that despite doing your best, our kids can turn out to be very flawed.

ManateeFair · 12/07/2023 17:47

I think you are massively, massively overreacting to this.

Yes, it was a bit shit that your son cheated on his girlfriend in the final months of their relationship. In an ideal world he would, of course, have ended their relationship first. But he didn't, and what's done is done. You said yourself that both your son and the former girlfriend seem happy now. Move on. You don't have to approve of the way the relationship ended, but it's really none of your business. People's lives and relationships are complicated and you have no idea what his new partner did or didn't know about his situation when they met, or how things were in the relationship from your son's point of view.

Your son fell out of love with his girlfriend. It happens. The fact that you happened to like her so much (or indeed that she chose to uproot her life when they met) is not a reason for him to remain in a relationship with her if he no longer loves her. The details of the split are irrelevant. Stop obsessing over the daughter in law you wanted and build a good relationship with the one you've got.

Doingmybest12 · 12/07/2023 17:48

Cath60 · 12/07/2023 17:15

I did have to get it out of her. She always did involuntarily pull faces or go bright red, giving something away.

Why did you have to get it out of her, she was keeping it private.

LondonJax · 12/07/2023 17:48

You mentioned that your DS had told his ex-girlfriend that he just saw her as a friend and that she took a bit of time to process that. Was it around that time that he started seeing his now girlfriend? If so, in his eyes, the ex-relationship was over so he may not have seen it as 'cheating' - which actually it isn't. The relationship was finished in his eyes. If he started seeing the new girlfriend BEFORE he told her that (and I mean a while before, secretly going behind her back) that's different.

Cath60 · 12/07/2023 17:48

DS is meant to be coming over for his tea tonight. His new girlfriend is away for work and DH is away for the next week as well. Probably the best opportunity I'll have to have a conversation about it. Calmly.

OP posts:
DrSbaitso · 12/07/2023 17:50

Cath60 · 12/07/2023 17:48

DS is meant to be coming over for his tea tonight. His new girlfriend is away for work and DH is away for the next week as well. Probably the best opportunity I'll have to have a conversation about it. Calmly.

To what purpose? What outcome are you hoping for?

saraclara · 12/07/2023 17:52

Cath60 · 12/07/2023 17:48

DS is meant to be coming over for his tea tonight. His new girlfriend is away for work and DH is away for the next week as well. Probably the best opportunity I'll have to have a conversation about it. Calmly.

I can't believe that you're planning to do that.

IT IS NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS. Furthermore, you're dumping the old girlfriend in it by letting him know that she told you.

For goodness' sake. He's 28.

Qbish · 12/07/2023 17:52

Loads of men overlap with their new partner. It's generally a symptom, not a cause.

Cath60 · 12/07/2023 17:52

LondonJax · 12/07/2023 17:48

You mentioned that your DS had told his ex-girlfriend that he just saw her as a friend and that she took a bit of time to process that. Was it around that time that he started seeing his now girlfriend? If so, in his eyes, the ex-relationship was over so he may not have seen it as 'cheating' - which actually it isn't. The relationship was finished in his eyes. If he started seeing the new girlfriend BEFORE he told her that (and I mean a while before, secretly going behind her back) that's different.

As far as I can tell, the timeline was at some point during the summer he started seeing the new girlfriend. He had met her on his course, and unless it started earlier than what he told his ex-partner, they would have had to see each other outside of the context of his course. He told his ex-partner in the September he wanted to break up because he only saw her as a friend. She didn't have a clue it was coming.

OP posts:
cinnamonfrenchtoast · 12/07/2023 17:52

Aaaaandbreathe · 12/07/2023 17:41

Have you never been cheated on? I hope not because I wouldn't wish that on anyone. The pain/hurt/devastation it causes can affect you for years afterwards.

That's likely why some of us would feel ashamed if our child did it, because we know the effects and we don't want to believe our children would be capable of causing so much hurt.

People are cheated on everyday. And yes, I've been there.

Relationships get messy for all sorts of reasons - it doesn't mean parents have any right to get involved and tell their adult children how "disappointed" they are.

And yes, I have been cheated on myself. It was horrible but it wasn't anyone else's business. If my ex's parents had got involved and had a go at my ex for how he treated me, I'd think they were bonkers, quite frankly.

WeetabixTowels · 12/07/2023 17:53

Cath60 · 12/07/2023 17:48

DS is meant to be coming over for his tea tonight. His new girlfriend is away for work and DH is away for the next week as well. Probably the best opportunity I'll have to have a conversation about it. Calmly.

FGS say nothing! Absolutely none of your business

cinnamonfrenchtoast · 12/07/2023 17:53

Cath60 · 12/07/2023 17:48

DS is meant to be coming over for his tea tonight. His new girlfriend is away for work and DH is away for the next week as well. Probably the best opportunity I'll have to have a conversation about it. Calmly.

Don't be surprised if he walks out and stops speaking to you altogether.

It's none of your business.

MzHz · 12/07/2023 17:54

skypink · 12/07/2023 15:51

I'd be very disappointed in my DS too.

i would. But I’d not be going ballistic at anyone. It’s not my place to do so. Be kind to his lovely ex, she deserves that, but ds ans his new gf are adults and what they do is up to them

AliceForSupper · 12/07/2023 17:54

Takentomybed · 12/07/2023 17:44

I feel sorry for your son here. You have only heard her side so who knows exactly what happened. Not your relationship to get involved in.

I'm remembering how hurtful I found it when my F took my ex husbands side when we split, just because my manipulative ex spoke to him all upset and twisted things. I was always very private about the hideous way my ex treated me. But I was apparently the bad one for ending it

I completely agree with this. There's so much goes on behind closed doors but OP is ready to instantly believe the ex girlfriend's story.

My dad did this to me, so good luck with your future relationship with your son which you're risking on the back of a story from someone with her own axe to grind.

neilyoungismyhero · 12/07/2023 17:55

What do they say here? Not your circus not your monkeys.
His life, his business. Not for you or your husband to be going spare at him.

EvilElsa · 12/07/2023 17:55

I'd be prepared for him to get angry. I'd be massively pissed off and embarrassed at being "confronted" (at 28!) over my last relationship and to find out that my mum had been out for coffee with my ex and gossiped about me. Is it really worth it? It's none of your business at all, do you think you lecturing him is going to have any good results? I certainly wouldn't be explaining myself to my mum. I'm actually quite embarrassed at the thought of you doing this.

SecretCorridor · 12/07/2023 17:55

I do think you need to mention it to him, as you're so worked up about it you will struggle to hide it.

Letting him know you know in a controlled way and leave it at that is the best thing to do imho. If he wants to say more let him.

End of day, IS HE HAPPY? Surely that should be your No.1 priority.

Whataretheodds · 12/07/2023 17:56

I agree you're overinevested. Relationships break up. That doesn't make either person wrong.

Yes. I'd be disappointed too that he cheated, but you yourself observed that they're both happier now and that doesn't change because of how DS and his GF got together.

The strangest thing, which was pointed out by DD, was the new girlfriend looks very oddly like his ex-partner
Nope, not strange at all. Many posts on MN comment on how all young women look the same these days, and it's quite normal to have a 'type'.

Hiddenvoice · 12/07/2023 17:56

It’s lovely you got on so well with the ex and it’s rubbish for her, how it ended but as you said, they are both much happier.
Yes he shouldn’t have cheated and hopefully the regret will stop him doing it again but it’s his life. He can do as he pleases sadly and doesn’t need to tell you about it as he’s an adult.

I understand it’s new information to you but I’d leave it be and move past it. The ex has her new life and is probably for the best that she cuts ties with you. Focus on your son and his new partner.
Personally, I wouldn’t bring it up with him at dinner. Its
not really yours and your dhs place to go ballistic at him. You can express your disappointment but that’s all.

CherryBlossoms88 · 12/07/2023 17:57

Im sorry, I don’t see anything horribly wrong with the OP wanting to understand what happened and possibly get HIS version of events. Everyone keeps saying IT’S none of her business!!!! Why on earth can’t a mother have a conversation about his relationship? He might be open to it, he might not (in that case she can stop pressing)…. But why is it so damn taboo!!!

TheBellsToll · 12/07/2023 17:57

You seem over involved. It’s his life and you shouldn’t be judging. He sounds immature and like he jumps in headfirst. But it’s not for you to be so invested.

Chunt · 12/07/2023 17:57

Cath60 · 12/07/2023 17:48

DS is meant to be coming over for his tea tonight. His new girlfriend is away for work and DH is away for the next week as well. Probably the best opportunity I'll have to have a conversation about it. Calmly.

Oh God, don't do that.

Museya15 · 12/07/2023 17:58

Fuck me OP that's life!! Lesson learnt from a life experience. Wouldn't get het up over it.