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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To be absolutely disgusted at DS?

472 replies

Cath60 · 12/07/2023 15:45

Where to even start with this? At the start, I suppose? DS, now 28, broke up with his partner, now 27, about a year and a half ago. She was absolutely devastated at the time. For all of us it came virtually out of nowhere. We knew he was depressed (my FIL died and he was hating his uni course he'd left his job for), but didn't see it coming. He said he just saw her as a friend, and that was it. His ex-partner took a while to accept the situation. The way she described it to me at the time was it was like her life was falling apart. She'd moved to be with DS, they'd bought a house together (and at the time wasn't in a position buy again because her job was zero hours) and very much saw my family as her's - she absolutely doted on my granddaughter (probably babysat the most, after me and DH). For the rest of the family, it was really sad. We absolutely loved her - she'd been really good for DS (and was the first relationship he'd had that had got to 6 months), but we'd rather it end than continue a relationship like that, when they were both so young. She did wrap her head around it and had a bit of a rebound fling while they were selling the house (good for her!). DS also started seeing a girl from his course - which I thought was a bit quick, but he seemed happy.

DS and ex-partner both still lived together in the house while they were selling it and got on, and kept in touch after they sold and she moved back home. I've exchanged the occasional message with her and she popped in on the way back from a work event to pick some bits DS had accidentally packed with his things. She seems to be getting on really well - she managed to buy a new house and has been with her new boyfriend for about 9 months.

I bumped into her the other day, while out shopping. We ended up going for a coffee and a catch-up. I showed her photos of my granddaughter and she commented on how big she'd got. I did tell her I thought it was for the best, what happened. Both DS and her seem happier than they were, and it wasn't like it was anyone's fault. She then pulled a face. After a bit of prodding, she then said there was something she thought I should know. She said there was "overlap" between the new girlfriend, and her. DS had been seeing the new girlfriend for the last few months of his relationship with his ex-partner. I absolutely believe her, not because I assume he'd do that, but because I'd never believe in a million years she'd make it up. She said he called her a month or so after they'd sold the house and told her the truth out of guilt. They were still friends at that point, they'd still been in fairly regular contact at that point. She said he told her she was his best friend and couldn't continue lying to her. The only contact they had after that was sorting out closing their joint current account.

I've never been so angry with him in my entire life. I can't believe he did that to that poor girl. She uprooted her life for him, barely saw family and friends for years to be with him, we had basically adopted her into our family and he does that to her? Obviously, I'm also very unhappy with the girlfriend too - she knew DS was in a committed relationship. He doesn't know I know. I haven't even told DH because he'll go absolutely ballistic at them both.

OP posts:
NoTouch · 12/07/2023 17:31

Everyone has moved on, you have found out your ds's moral compass is a bit off, but he is an adult and can make his own life choices now.

His new gf did not cheat on his ex, he did so do not blame her.

Personally if it was my ds I'd mention it to him privately, but just in passing so it was out in the open, that I knew and tell him I think he behaved like a shit. But wouldn't get into a big conversation about it.

DrSbaitso · 12/07/2023 17:31

Nothing to do with you.

lieselotte · 12/07/2023 17:32

Cath60 · 12/07/2023 16:00

I keep thinking about how upset he was at the time. The ex-partner called her parents to tell them what had happened and she ended up going to theirs for the weekend. He was in bits about it. When she did come back because she had work the next day, he was so upset (because he thought she was never coming back) she had to call me. Now all that seems like such strange behaviour. I thought I'd done a better job at parenting that he wouldn't treat anyone so badly.

Oh for goodness sake he's an adult. It's not about you or your "parenting".

And you are wrong to attribute any responsibility to the new girlfriend - she wasn't in the relationship, he was. I never understand this view that we somehow have responsibility for other peoples' relationships. No, we're not.

It's a pity that he has exchanged a girlfriend you really liked for one you perhaps don't like as much (but please look at her for her own merits and forget the "overlap" issue) - you can be upset about that but otherwise it is not your business.

Cath60 · 12/07/2023 17:34

cinnamonfrenchtoast · 12/07/2023 17:26

Nobody has said she can't be angry or disgusted, though.

They're saying it's not her place to go ballistic at her son for something that happened 18 months ago, especially when she only has one side of the story and both her DS and his ex have moved on.

Just to be pedantic, I'm not the one I would suggest would go ballistic. I'm not an angry person naturally. I can count on one hand how many times I shouted at them when they were kids. I was referring to DH, who can get angry from time to time.

OP posts:
CherryBlossoms88 · 12/07/2023 17:34

Yes, maybe the OP is over invested, but if my son treated another human being like that, I’d also feel ashamed that I didn’t raise him better. I obviously wouldn’t stop loving him but I’d definitely let him know my disappointment.

Aaaaandbreathe · 12/07/2023 17:34

I mean, going ballistic will hardly help but it's completely understandable to be upset when you realise your child is capable of hurting someone they were supposed to care about. Great they've both moved on but doesn't take away from the disappointment when you have only just found out.

Yeahyeahno · 12/07/2023 17:35

I mean going by this it’s no surprise he ditched this weird enmeshed family relationship and got into another one where he’s distanced himself from you all.

Cath60 · 12/07/2023 17:35

WeetabixTowels · 12/07/2023 17:19

I agree with others that you need to keep out and keep your allegiance with your son. Everyone has come out relatively unscathed, and whilst cheating isn’t terrible, you can’t expect him to stay in an unhappy relationship just because you like his girlfriend?

I've replied to someone else about this. I absolutely would not (and did not when I thought the issue was purely that he was unhappy) expect them to remain together. I thought it was sad, but best for both of them to separate.

OP posts:
Aaaaandbreathe · 12/07/2023 17:36

CherryBlossoms88 · 12/07/2023 17:34

Yes, maybe the OP is over invested, but if my son treated another human being like that, I’d also feel ashamed that I didn’t raise him better. I obviously wouldn’t stop loving him but I’d definitely let him know my disappointment.

Totally agree.

WeetabixTowels · 12/07/2023 17:36

Honestly I read threads like this and think ‘no wonder people estrange themselves in adulthood from their parents’ - I thought MY mum was bad but if she stuck her beak in about decisions I made that had fuck all to do with her, 2 years later, id be re-arranging Christmas plans.

DrSbaitso · 12/07/2023 17:36

Cath60 · 12/07/2023 17:34

Just to be pedantic, I'm not the one I would suggest would go ballistic. I'm not an angry person naturally. I can count on one hand how many times I shouted at them when they were kids. I was referring to DH, who can get angry from time to time.

So don't tell him. It's nothing to do with him either.

WeetabixTowels · 12/07/2023 17:37

CherryBlossoms88 · 12/07/2023 17:34

Yes, maybe the OP is over invested, but if my son treated another human being like that, I’d also feel ashamed that I didn’t raise him better. I obviously wouldn’t stop loving him but I’d definitely let him know my disappointment.

I wouldn’t.

Im not so daft to think my parenting influences bad choices made 10 years after they left my home.

Ashamed - honestly, some right drama llamas on here 😂

DrSbaitso · 12/07/2023 17:38

CherryBlossoms88 · 12/07/2023 17:34

Yes, maybe the OP is over invested, but if my son treated another human being like that, I’d also feel ashamed that I didn’t raise him better. I obviously wouldn’t stop loving him but I’d definitely let him know my disappointment.

That's your problem. But maybe it would explain why he wasn't forthcoming with you himself. It's none of your business, after all.

Cath60 · 12/07/2023 17:38

WeetabixTowels · 12/07/2023 17:30

I also think as a general principle it’s pretty unhealthy to be this embedded in the sex/romantic lives of your children

Yes I did think ‘ick’ when she mentioned the ‘good for her’ fling but her son having an actual relationship was ‘too fast’

I would also think it was too soon for her if she had started an actual relationship. Not that I voiced either opinion to anyone apart from DH.

OP posts:
Thepeopleversuswork · 12/07/2023 17:39

WeetabixTowels · 12/07/2023 17:36

Honestly I read threads like this and think ‘no wonder people estrange themselves in adulthood from their parents’ - I thought MY mum was bad but if she stuck her beak in about decisions I made that had fuck all to do with her, 2 years later, id be re-arranging Christmas plans.

I know right? It’s bizarre.

My parents didn’t know the names of most of my boyfriends (excepting the serious ones who lasted several years).

The idea of my mum having a view on my love life is mind-boggling. They so wouldn’t have got involved like this. And thank God.

cinnamonfrenchtoast · 12/07/2023 17:39

Cath60 · 12/07/2023 17:34

Just to be pedantic, I'm not the one I would suggest would go ballistic. I'm not an angry person naturally. I can count on one hand how many times I shouted at them when they were kids. I was referring to DH, who can get angry from time to time.

Yes, I realise that.

But you don't need to tell him - it's none of his business either.

DrSbaitso · 12/07/2023 17:39

I wonder why someone raised with an angry father who goes ballistic at things that are none of his business doesn't have a healthier, better way of dealing with relationships.

cinnamonfrenchtoast · 12/07/2023 17:40

WeetabixTowels · 12/07/2023 17:36

Honestly I read threads like this and think ‘no wonder people estrange themselves in adulthood from their parents’ - I thought MY mum was bad but if she stuck her beak in about decisions I made that had fuck all to do with her, 2 years later, id be re-arranging Christmas plans.

It's bonkers isn't it?

I'm so glad my parents have never stuck their noses into my relationships - and believe me, I've made my fair share of bad decisions!

Aaaaandbreathe · 12/07/2023 17:41

WeetabixTowels · 12/07/2023 17:37

I wouldn’t.

Im not so daft to think my parenting influences bad choices made 10 years after they left my home.

Ashamed - honestly, some right drama llamas on here 😂

Have you never been cheated on? I hope not because I wouldn't wish that on anyone. The pain/hurt/devastation it causes can affect you for years afterwards.

That's likely why some of us would feel ashamed if our child did it, because we know the effects and we don't want to believe our children would be capable of causing so much hurt.

EvilElsa · 12/07/2023 17:41

You've taken everything she has said as gospel without considering that some of it could be over exaggerated, lies, or incorrect. She might be a nice girl, but that doesn't mean she has never made mistakes and is perfect 24/7. There may be parts if their relationship you have no idea about and shouldn't know about. He's 28.
Your son probably did cheat. If he did that's a shit thing to do obviously. He should have ended the relationship that he knew wasn't working from his side. But you have no idea what led to that. You have a one sided story that frankly, she shouldn't have told you really. There was no need, it was actually quite unkind to you and shit stirring. I'm sure she has other friends and family to tell, she would have known that telling you would cause upset.
I'm NOT sticking up for DS at all. I just think you need to stay out of it. They had a fairly short term relationship, no kids, no marriage and it's finished and sorted.

SecretCorridor · 12/07/2023 17:42

I think there is an important aspect missing from this story: did DS actively seek out another woman while he was still with this one? Or did DS meet the new girlfriend and fall in love.

It sounds like DS and the original woman had a lovely relationship, built on a friendship that appears genuine. But is that enough? Maybe your son thought that was 'it' until he met this new girlfriend.

If it is the latter, and his feelings for the new woman caught him by surprise, then I would say he handled it the best he possibly could. He didn't have to tell this woman, and it takes a lot of courage to do so, and I respect him for that much at least.

loislovesstewie · 12/07/2023 17:42

I think all it proves is that you didn't know everything that was going on in their relationship. I'm not going to speculate, I don't know when he became unhappy or anything. And truthfully neither does anyone else, no matter how close he is to you, he probably didn't tell you everything about his change of feelings etc precisely because he knew you were so fond of his then girlfriend. My dad was really upset years ago when I finished with a young man who my dad thought was perfect. He might have been;just not for me.It went on for too long because I knew my dad would be upset and blame me.

WeetabixTowels · 12/07/2023 17:43

Thepeopleversuswork · 12/07/2023 17:39

I know right? It’s bizarre.

My parents didn’t know the names of most of my boyfriends (excepting the serious ones who lasted several years).

The idea of my mum having a view on my love life is mind-boggling. They so wouldn’t have got involved like this. And thank God.

My mum is a PITA of the highest order but she’s fiercely loyal - I’m her child, her allegiance is with me. I remember she bumped into an ex I dumped before we were about to love in together. She said she was polite, as was he, which is nice - but if she started boo-hooing because she thought I’d behaved badly in the relationship (and I had really broken his heart and caused all sorts of problems pulling out a house move) I’d be seriously disturbed.

ZebraDilemma · 12/07/2023 17:43

You are far too over invested in your adult son’s romantic life OP, step back.

WeetabixTowels · 12/07/2023 17:44

Aaaaandbreathe · 12/07/2023 17:41

Have you never been cheated on? I hope not because I wouldn't wish that on anyone. The pain/hurt/devastation it causes can affect you for years afterwards.

That's likely why some of us would feel ashamed if our child did it, because we know the effects and we don't want to believe our children would be capable of causing so much hurt.

I was cheated on on my younger years - but so what. No marriage, or kids. These things happen all the time. Being upset over another person cheating to me is seriously odd