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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To be absolutely disgusted at DS?

472 replies

Cath60 · 12/07/2023 15:45

Where to even start with this? At the start, I suppose? DS, now 28, broke up with his partner, now 27, about a year and a half ago. She was absolutely devastated at the time. For all of us it came virtually out of nowhere. We knew he was depressed (my FIL died and he was hating his uni course he'd left his job for), but didn't see it coming. He said he just saw her as a friend, and that was it. His ex-partner took a while to accept the situation. The way she described it to me at the time was it was like her life was falling apart. She'd moved to be with DS, they'd bought a house together (and at the time wasn't in a position buy again because her job was zero hours) and very much saw my family as her's - she absolutely doted on my granddaughter (probably babysat the most, after me and DH). For the rest of the family, it was really sad. We absolutely loved her - she'd been really good for DS (and was the first relationship he'd had that had got to 6 months), but we'd rather it end than continue a relationship like that, when they were both so young. She did wrap her head around it and had a bit of a rebound fling while they were selling the house (good for her!). DS also started seeing a girl from his course - which I thought was a bit quick, but he seemed happy.

DS and ex-partner both still lived together in the house while they were selling it and got on, and kept in touch after they sold and she moved back home. I've exchanged the occasional message with her and she popped in on the way back from a work event to pick some bits DS had accidentally packed with his things. She seems to be getting on really well - she managed to buy a new house and has been with her new boyfriend for about 9 months.

I bumped into her the other day, while out shopping. We ended up going for a coffee and a catch-up. I showed her photos of my granddaughter and she commented on how big she'd got. I did tell her I thought it was for the best, what happened. Both DS and her seem happier than they were, and it wasn't like it was anyone's fault. She then pulled a face. After a bit of prodding, she then said there was something she thought I should know. She said there was "overlap" between the new girlfriend, and her. DS had been seeing the new girlfriend for the last few months of his relationship with his ex-partner. I absolutely believe her, not because I assume he'd do that, but because I'd never believe in a million years she'd make it up. She said he called her a month or so after they'd sold the house and told her the truth out of guilt. They were still friends at that point, they'd still been in fairly regular contact at that point. She said he told her she was his best friend and couldn't continue lying to her. The only contact they had after that was sorting out closing their joint current account.

I've never been so angry with him in my entire life. I can't believe he did that to that poor girl. She uprooted her life for him, barely saw family and friends for years to be with him, we had basically adopted her into our family and he does that to her? Obviously, I'm also very unhappy with the girlfriend too - she knew DS was in a committed relationship. He doesn't know I know. I haven't even told DH because he'll go absolutely ballistic at them both.

OP posts:
HamBone · 12/07/2023 17:58

cinnamonfrenchtoast · 12/07/2023 17:53

Don't be surprised if he walks out and stops speaking to you altogether.

It's none of your business.

@cinnamonfrenchtoast Do people really cut off their parents for expressing disappointment about poor behavior?

DrSbaitso · 12/07/2023 17:58

CherryBlossoms88 · 12/07/2023 17:57

Im sorry, I don’t see anything horribly wrong with the OP wanting to understand what happened and possibly get HIS version of events. Everyone keeps saying IT’S none of her business!!!! Why on earth can’t a mother have a conversation about his relationship? He might be open to it, he might not (in that case she can stop pressing)…. But why is it so damn taboo!!!

Because her son's intimate life is none of her bloody business. Do you expect to be told everything that happens between your parents? Do you have to share your intimate details with your parents?

MzHz · 12/07/2023 17:58

Cath60 · 12/07/2023 17:48

DS is meant to be coming over for his tea tonight. His new girlfriend is away for work and DH is away for the next week as well. Probably the best opportunity I'll have to have a conversation about it. Calmly.

Honestly, just don’t.

DrSbaitso · 12/07/2023 17:59

HamBone · 12/07/2023 17:58

@cinnamonfrenchtoast Do people really cut off their parents for expressing disappointment about poor behavior?

Intrusive, overbearing parents who like to go ballistic? All the time.

Jacopo · 12/07/2023 17:59

Why have any conversation at all?
You said in an earlier post that you thought you had brought up your son to be better than that. No doubt you did. But he is an adult now and his sex life is his own business. You do not need to have any “conversation” with him about it.
And, for what it’s worth, I’m old now and I’ve seen many many breakups where the man has said “it’s not you, it’s me, there’s no one else” etc etc and it ALWAYS turns out that there is in fact someone else, with whom they’ve been having sex, or an emotional relationship, or at the very least they have that person lined up as their next partner. This seems to be a particularly male pattern of behaviour and before people start with the NAMALT I am just telling you what I’ve observed on multiple occasions.

Aaaaandbreathe · 12/07/2023 18:00

WeetabixTowels · 12/07/2023 17:44

I was cheated on on my younger years - but so what. No marriage, or kids. These things happen all the time. Being upset over another person cheating to me is seriously odd

Do you still not have any children? Because honestly, we want our children to be good people so it is upsetting to think they would do that to someone.

You didn't care about being cheated on but for a lot of people it really affects you badly. For example, if someone posted 'my long term partner who I uprooted my whole life for has been cheating', everyone would be saying LTB and (hopefully) telling them they deserve better.

I get what you mean about being upset about someone else's cheating, but when it's your child you feel almost partly responsible because you think you've raised them better.

Never an excuse to cheat. Just leave and not lie.

Tg2023 · 12/07/2023 18:00

It's been 18 month ffs get over it, bit late to bring it up now!
Your son would be wondering why you're still meeting up with his ex as would his current gf it'll cause unnecessary drama.
Also does his ex's new bf know about your meet ups & chats about your son?
Maybe she was still meeting up & texting with other ex mil's and that's why your son had enough and found someone else.

sonjadog · 12/07/2023 18:01

Fair enough to be disappointed but if I were him and you tried to have a chat with me, I would tell you forcefully to mind your own business! You are really overinvolved in your adult son's love life. Just back off and let him run his own life.

DandelionBurdockAndGin · 12/07/2023 18:01

I expect you'll be told it's none of your bee wax or that the ex is lying.

IL got very het up with close friend DH grew up with ex tales - for some reason they always thought the sun shone out her arse which was awkward as she wasn't polite behind their backs.

Anyway they broke up she hot footed it round ex's family and friends with her version while he was very upset and quiet and later disclosed he was seriously depressed. IL swallowed it whole she'd moved out the area be time mutual friends pointed out it was her who'd cheated for bloody years and not him. Fuck knows the truth - though she had form by her own admission her first child was conceived with someone else DH.

I think IL were enjoyed the drama and idea they were chosen and trusted to be confided in - they still don't have a good word to say for DH friend and he spent a huge amount of his childhood and adulthood with them as the ex wouldn't lie to them.

EvilElsa · 12/07/2023 18:01

HamBone · 12/07/2023 17:58

@cinnamonfrenchtoast Do people really cut off their parents for expressing disappointment about poor behavior?

Absolutely. I'd be massively disappointed at my parent gossiping behind my back with my ex.

StaunchMomma · 12/07/2023 18:02

OP, you have every right to be disappointed in your DS if he's acted like an arsehole. Most people wouldn't be happy for their child to act like that.

All you can do is tell him you know and that you're disappointed. It won't change anything, though.

cinnamonfrenchtoast · 12/07/2023 18:02

Do people really cut off their parents for expressing disappointment about poor behavior?

Of course they do. People cut their parents off for all sorts of reasons.

I would be really angry if my mum butted into my relationships in the way OP is planning to.

WeetabixTowels · 12/07/2023 18:06

I’m idly wondering if the fact this woman was brought into the family gold like she’s more of a child than your son, was a contributing factor in why he took so long to dump her?

Mutinyonthecrunchie · 12/07/2023 18:06

I'm amazed at Op's investment about this whole situation and the fact she is planning to talk to ds about again 'calmly'. Just keep out of it and move on.
Had my dm been like this with me I know we would have had a massive falling out due to her interference in my private life.

WeetabixTowels · 12/07/2023 18:07

HamBone · 12/07/2023 17:58

@cinnamonfrenchtoast Do people really cut off their parents for expressing disappointment about poor behavior?

They do when their parents display toxic behaviour like taking an exe’s side and reprimanding them about something that was wholly unrelated to them that happened years ago.

WeetabixTowels · 12/07/2023 18:10

Aaaaandbreathe · 12/07/2023 18:00

Do you still not have any children? Because honestly, we want our children to be good people so it is upsetting to think they would do that to someone.

You didn't care about being cheated on but for a lot of people it really affects you badly. For example, if someone posted 'my long term partner who I uprooted my whole life for has been cheating', everyone would be saying LTB and (hopefully) telling them they deserve better.

I get what you mean about being upset about someone else's cheating, but when it's your child you feel almost partly responsible because you think you've raised them better.

Never an excuse to cheat. Just leave and not lie.

No or is saying cheating is good - it to be furious about someone else* cheating on someone else^ is totally bizarre to me.

TBH when my kids are in their mid-20’s, as long as they are stable, happy, preferably employed/occupied, not taking drugs, and not committing crimes I really would be a ridiculous woman to expect they never ever make a bad choice outside of that. And I’d never dream of getting involved in their sex lives.

DrSbaitso · 12/07/2023 18:10

WeetabixTowels · 12/07/2023 18:06

I’m idly wondering if the fact this woman was brought into the family gold like she’s more of a child than your son, was a contributing factor in why he took so long to dump her?

Quite possibly.

It's not ideal, but is this really such a terrible crime for an unmarried, childless 26 year old who is still with the "new" girl?

And a year and a half later, when both people have moved on and are happy, what on earth can his mum have to say about it that's so important?

Tantaijin · 12/07/2023 18:12

Where do we draw the line exactly?

So we’ve established that parents should ignore and keep their noses out of their adult children bad behaviour (cheating) do we extend that to other bad behaviours? Drugs? Being abusive?

When is it ok for a parent to express disappointment if they feel their dc is taking the wrong path?

I’ve seen many posts on here from women hurt that their MIL has supported and ignored terrible behaviour from their sons.

Mumsnet is so bizarre these days. Or is it specifically English cukture that I’m not understanding? (In mine it doesn’t matter how old you are, your parents will tell you if you are behaving badly and expect you to stop hurting people).

HamBone · 12/07/2023 18:12

Every family’s different, I suppose. My late Mum would’ve shared what the ex said and asked me whether it was true- and then tell me she was disappointed in me. I miss her straight talking.

TillieAnn1945 · 12/07/2023 18:13

I think it was a mistake (and quite patronising) to tell your sons ex girlfriend that you thought them splitting up was ‘for the best’ and that they both seem happier now. I can imagine I’d want to set the record straight if my exH’s mum ever said that to me (though she’d ultimately be correct). I think you just wanted to make yourself feel better about the hurt that was caused to her by your son.

You can speak to your son about it but he is an adult and a human who is flawed as all human beings are. You know whether or not he’s fundamentally a decent person. Don’t you trust that he will learn from his mistakes? If he’s a decent guy, he will have been very upset that he hurt someone. I don’t think that he needs to be spoken to about it. Especially by his mother. I think he will resent your over involvement with his ex girlfriend who you seem almost to favour over him.

A similar situation arose in my family years ago and it ultimately contributed to the estrangement of the son from his mother.

DrSbaitso · 12/07/2023 18:13

do we extend that to other bad behaviours? Drugs? Being abusive?

Sure, if we like ridiculous false equivalences.

SlippySarah · 12/07/2023 18:13

None of your business. Its how life is, people cheat and relationships can be messy. No need to get involved.

Mutinyonthecrunchie · 12/07/2023 18:14

Is ds really going to care what OP has to say? Probably not.
OP comes across that she thinks this is acceptable to interfere and have her say

WeetabixTowels · 12/07/2023 18:15

Tantaijin · 12/07/2023 18:12

Where do we draw the line exactly?

So we’ve established that parents should ignore and keep their noses out of their adult children bad behaviour (cheating) do we extend that to other bad behaviours? Drugs? Being abusive?

When is it ok for a parent to express disappointment if they feel their dc is taking the wrong path?

I’ve seen many posts on here from women hurt that their MIL has supported and ignored terrible behaviour from their sons.

Mumsnet is so bizarre these days. Or is it specifically English cukture that I’m not understanding? (In mine it doesn’t matter how old you are, your parents will tell you if you are behaving badly and expect you to stop hurting people).

TBH if I had to draw a line it would be at crime - of which drugs and abuse both are. Cheating is not.

WeetabixTowels · 12/07/2023 18:15

DrSbaitso · 12/07/2023 18:13

do we extend that to other bad behaviours? Drugs? Being abusive?

Sure, if we like ridiculous false equivalences.

What about eating babies, or boiling bunnies? that’s the same, if not as bad, as cheating.

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