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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To be absolutely disgusted at DS?

472 replies

Cath60 · 12/07/2023 15:45

Where to even start with this? At the start, I suppose? DS, now 28, broke up with his partner, now 27, about a year and a half ago. She was absolutely devastated at the time. For all of us it came virtually out of nowhere. We knew he was depressed (my FIL died and he was hating his uni course he'd left his job for), but didn't see it coming. He said he just saw her as a friend, and that was it. His ex-partner took a while to accept the situation. The way she described it to me at the time was it was like her life was falling apart. She'd moved to be with DS, they'd bought a house together (and at the time wasn't in a position buy again because her job was zero hours) and very much saw my family as her's - she absolutely doted on my granddaughter (probably babysat the most, after me and DH). For the rest of the family, it was really sad. We absolutely loved her - she'd been really good for DS (and was the first relationship he'd had that had got to 6 months), but we'd rather it end than continue a relationship like that, when they were both so young. She did wrap her head around it and had a bit of a rebound fling while they were selling the house (good for her!). DS also started seeing a girl from his course - which I thought was a bit quick, but he seemed happy.

DS and ex-partner both still lived together in the house while they were selling it and got on, and kept in touch after they sold and she moved back home. I've exchanged the occasional message with her and she popped in on the way back from a work event to pick some bits DS had accidentally packed with his things. She seems to be getting on really well - she managed to buy a new house and has been with her new boyfriend for about 9 months.

I bumped into her the other day, while out shopping. We ended up going for a coffee and a catch-up. I showed her photos of my granddaughter and she commented on how big she'd got. I did tell her I thought it was for the best, what happened. Both DS and her seem happier than they were, and it wasn't like it was anyone's fault. She then pulled a face. After a bit of prodding, she then said there was something she thought I should know. She said there was "overlap" between the new girlfriend, and her. DS had been seeing the new girlfriend for the last few months of his relationship with his ex-partner. I absolutely believe her, not because I assume he'd do that, but because I'd never believe in a million years she'd make it up. She said he called her a month or so after they'd sold the house and told her the truth out of guilt. They were still friends at that point, they'd still been in fairly regular contact at that point. She said he told her she was his best friend and couldn't continue lying to her. The only contact they had after that was sorting out closing their joint current account.

I've never been so angry with him in my entire life. I can't believe he did that to that poor girl. She uprooted her life for him, barely saw family and friends for years to be with him, we had basically adopted her into our family and he does that to her? Obviously, I'm also very unhappy with the girlfriend too - she knew DS was in a committed relationship. He doesn't know I know. I haven't even told DH because he'll go absolutely ballistic at them both.

OP posts:
WildUnchartedWaters · 12/07/2023 21:15

Tighginn · 12/07/2023 21:14

Anyone else questioning it DrSbaitso is Huw or Philip's mum for this kind of a reaction!😂

Dr S just wants a fight and wont get one here.

DrSbaitso · 12/07/2023 21:15

WildUnchartedWaters · 12/07/2023 21:11

You already used those words
Think of new ones.

I'm not interested in the cheating. I'm annoyed at a forum of women berating a women for expressing perfectly valid opinions.

I dont have to explain myself to you and will no longer be engaging.

I might as well, you clearly need to learn what they mean!I said respect has to be earned and OP doesn't have a right to insert herself into her adult son's private life, and you're accusing me of saying that men should always decide what women do!No honest and intelligent person, however much they might disagree with me, would talk such offensively disingenuous cobblers.

WeetabixTowels · 12/07/2023 21:16

ToxicBiennial · 12/07/2023 21:03

Why do so many threads turn nasty all round these days?

Anyway.
I think the pp that mentioned loss and grieving is on to something. OP is dealing with the loss of the lovely future daughter in law she thought she was going to have whom she liked a lot. Loss of that future version of the family. And of course loss of the perfectly well behaved unflawed* version of her son she thought she had.

*(no one is truly unflawed obvs)

If you are still grieving your son dumping the girl he didn’t wanna be with 1.5 years ago then you need therapy FGS.

WeetabixTowels · 12/07/2023 21:17

WildUnchartedWaters · 12/07/2023 21:04

No, that was said because of the poster who said she may have cheated too, and the 15 pages of vitriol towards a woman for expressing hurt and anger.

Hurt and anger at something she had no right to feel hurt or angry by - and the ridiculous PTT response. This is MN, not everyone had to stroke the OP’s ego

WildUnchartedWaters · 12/07/2023 21:18

DrSbaitso · 12/07/2023 21:15

I might as well, you clearly need to learn what they mean!I said respect has to be earned and OP doesn't have a right to insert herself into her adult son's private life, and you're accusing me of saying that men should always decide what women do!No honest and intelligent person, however much they might disagree with me, would talk such offensively disingenuous cobblers.

Heard you the first 3 times. I'm not interested.

WildUnchartedWaters · 12/07/2023 21:19

WeetabixTowels · 12/07/2023 21:17

Hurt and anger at something she had no right to feel hurt or angry by - and the ridiculous PTT response. This is MN, not everyone had to stroke the OP’s ego

You are not in a position to take away her rights. She feels how she feels as she is entitled to.

WeetabixTowels · 12/07/2023 21:19

WildUnchartedWaters · 12/07/2023 21:08

Most of your post is entirely made up.

Nobody said hes not allowed to end a relationship.

I bet it’s that much harder though when your family seemingly like your OH more than you 🤣 makes me happy my family are pretty indifferent to my OH 😂

WeetabixTowels · 12/07/2023 21:20

DrSbaitso · 12/07/2023 21:09

'caring about your parents doesn't mean you have to accept them inserting themselves where they don't belong. So who decidee where she has an opinion? Her or DS?

She can have an opinion. It's just not her place to use it to insert herself into her son's personal life. He doesn't have to allow that to care about her. His private life is not her business.

How on God's earth did you take this to mean that "a woman must only give help or advice when a man requests it and must know her place the rest of the time"?

It's beyond ridiculous. You're so angry about the cheating that you're literally just making stuff up. It's really disingenuous and dishonest.

This.

All this ‘OP is hurt and disappointed’ nonsense. Well I’m afraid she will have to get over it because whilst she can feel however she wants it’s not her place to express it

DrSbaitso · 12/07/2023 21:20

WildUnchartedWaters · 12/07/2023 21:18

Heard you the first 3 times. I'm not interested.

You're not going to have the decency to admit that you completely misrepresented what I said into something entirely different, are you?

WeetabixTowels · 12/07/2023 21:21

WildUnchartedWaters · 12/07/2023 21:11

You already used those words
Think of new ones.

I'm not interested in the cheating. I'm annoyed at a forum of women berating a women for expressing perfectly valid opinions.

I dont have to explain myself to you and will no longer be engaging.

it people aren’t berating OP for expressing an opinion. They are ‘berating’ her (aka answering her questions) because she blindly believe’s her son’s ex over a rather shocking allegation and is ready to go beserk at him. It’s ludicrous

WildUnchartedWaters · 12/07/2023 21:22

DrSbaitso · 12/07/2023 21:20

You're not going to have the decency to admit that you completely misrepresented what I said into something entirely different, are you?

No

WeetabixTowels · 12/07/2023 21:23

Tighginn · 12/07/2023 21:14

Anyone else questioning it DrSbaitso is Huw or Philip's mum for this kind of a reaction!😂

No.

The only thing I’m questioning is the intelligence and stability of some people on this thread.

WeetabixTowels · 12/07/2023 21:23

WildUnchartedWaters · 12/07/2023 21:14

I think it's incredible OP has taken this stance for what she knows is right even though the perpetrator is her son. She doesnr deserve what shes had back.

Perpetrator 🙄 He (may have) cheated he hasn’t assaulted anyone

DrSbaitso · 12/07/2023 21:24

WildUnchartedWaters · 12/07/2023 21:22

No

Didn't think so.

For someone who's so hot on honesty in relationships, it's odd that you're so comfortable with complete dishonesty in discussion about it.

For the avoidance of doubt: "Respect must be earned and you do not have a right to insert yourself in your adult child's private life" does not even come close to "a woman must only give help or advice when a man requests it and must know her place the rest of the time".

Apparently this needs to be said.

WildUnchartedWaters · 12/07/2023 21:25

WeetabixTowels · 12/07/2023 21:20

This.

All this ‘OP is hurt and disappointed’ nonsense. Well I’m afraid she will have to get over it because whilst she can feel however she wants it’s not her place to express it

So she cant have a right or a place now, according to you.
Interesting you are policing her life to this extent.
She wont need to get over anything as she is not answerable to us.

By the way it is not a 'shocking allegation'. Its a behaviour she believes and is upset about and shes allowed.

You are allowed her opinion, she is allowed hers. I am not understanding the vitriol towards her at all and think it is disappointing people are determined to tear a woman down for ultimately caring about people around her.

WeetabixTowels · 12/07/2023 21:25

DrSbaitso · 12/07/2023 21:15

I might as well, you clearly need to learn what they mean!I said respect has to be earned and OP doesn't have a right to insert herself into her adult son's private life, and you're accusing me of saying that men should always decide what women do!No honest and intelligent person, however much they might disagree with me, would talk such offensively disingenuous cobblers.

I agree with you FWIW - the teach on that is, if nothing else, quite impressive.

But you are right - respect is earned with adult children. That’s one of the beauties of growing up!

Tighginn · 12/07/2023 21:25

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

WildUnchartedWaters · 12/07/2023 21:25

DrSbaitso · 12/07/2023 21:24

Didn't think so.

For someone who's so hot on honesty in relationships, it's odd that you're so comfortable with complete dishonesty in discussion about it.

For the avoidance of doubt: "Respect must be earned and you do not have a right to insert yourself in your adult child's private life" does not even come close to "a woman must only give help or advice when a man requests it and must know her place the rest of the time".

Apparently this needs to be said.

👍

WildUnchartedWaters · 12/07/2023 21:26

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

At least youve taken the heat off me - youl be quoted five times now 😊

WeetabixTowels · 12/07/2023 21:26

WildUnchartedWaters · 12/07/2023 21:19

You are not in a position to take away her rights. She feels how she feels as she is entitled to.

?!

What are you going on about? What rights am I trying to take away? I’m not trying to sack her for being a woman, I’m saying she doesn’t have the right to butt in on her son’s sex life. Which she doesn’t.

Once again - the son did not cheat on OP. He owes her o explanation whatsoever and she has no right to ask for it. And frankly being so upset is just bloody weird

WildUnchartedWaters · 12/07/2023 21:27

WeetabixTowels · 12/07/2023 21:26

?!

What are you going on about? What rights am I trying to take away? I’m not trying to sack her for being a woman, I’m saying she doesn’t have the right to butt in on her son’s sex life. Which she doesn’t.

Once again - the son did not cheat on OP. He owes her o explanation whatsoever and she has no right to ask for it. And frankly being so upset is just bloody weird

Yes, we understand by now you think her opinions are to be judged and policed by you.
Each to their own.

illiterato · 12/07/2023 21:28

sweetdreamstenasee · 12/07/2023 21:12

Your son sounds like a human being, flawed, trusting his instinct, working himself out, living his life 🤷🏼‍♀️

People break up, overlaps happen.

This. I feel like the trend for dc living with parents longer stops them doing the wild thing in their twenties ( because understandably your parents don’t want to see a revolving cast over breakfast) so they live with parents, get steady bf/ gf, save for deposit ( because that’s why they are living with their parents) and it can result in some rushed relationship decisions that are hard and messy to reverse out of. There’s more to growing up than a tick list of house/ job/ partner. A lot of the process is being chaotic for a bit and realising there are some downsides and also figuring out what you actually want.

DrSbaitso · 12/07/2023 21:31

WeetabixTowels · 12/07/2023 21:26

?!

What are you going on about? What rights am I trying to take away? I’m not trying to sack her for being a woman, I’m saying she doesn’t have the right to butt in on her son’s sex life. Which she doesn’t.

Once again - the son did not cheat on OP. He owes her o explanation whatsoever and she has no right to ask for it. And frankly being so upset is just bloody weird

If there's one thing we can be sure of, it's that there is no honest or worthwhile discussion to be had there.

Aaaaandbreathe · 12/07/2023 21:31

Mothership4two · 12/07/2023 20:41

@Aaaaandbreathe

The people saying 'we don't know this is true'. We don't know anything on Mumsnet is true, but once again straight away people are accusing the ex dil of lying when OP already said her son knew that she knew about his cheating. So I take from that he accepts he was a cheat and there is nothing to suggest the woman in the situation is lying, but people still accuse her of it.

I think what people mean is that an ex may have their reasons maybe justified, maybe not to 'muddy the water' by using a family member (especially a mum) to accuse their ex of poor behaviour and cause problems for them. Their gender is irrelevant. OP has said she completely accepts her version without any input from her DS.

Personally I would have a little more faith in my own child

As I say, I thought I read that the son knew OP had found out but I may have gotten confused with another thread because I haven't seen anyone else mention it (to be fair I haven't read every comment).

Obviously she should ask her son first, but my understanding was that it had been confirmed so in that case I totally get why the OP would be upset. I'd be so disappointed in any of mine. I've already had words with one son because he was a bit of knob to an ex. I left it at that, he knew my feelings on it and I hope me speaking to him helped him realise he was being said knob.

QueenBitch666 · 12/07/2023 21:31

Your over involvement is not normal. MYOB