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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To be absolutely disgusted at DS?

472 replies

Cath60 · 12/07/2023 15:45

Where to even start with this? At the start, I suppose? DS, now 28, broke up with his partner, now 27, about a year and a half ago. She was absolutely devastated at the time. For all of us it came virtually out of nowhere. We knew he was depressed (my FIL died and he was hating his uni course he'd left his job for), but didn't see it coming. He said he just saw her as a friend, and that was it. His ex-partner took a while to accept the situation. The way she described it to me at the time was it was like her life was falling apart. She'd moved to be with DS, they'd bought a house together (and at the time wasn't in a position buy again because her job was zero hours) and very much saw my family as her's - she absolutely doted on my granddaughter (probably babysat the most, after me and DH). For the rest of the family, it was really sad. We absolutely loved her - she'd been really good for DS (and was the first relationship he'd had that had got to 6 months), but we'd rather it end than continue a relationship like that, when they were both so young. She did wrap her head around it and had a bit of a rebound fling while they were selling the house (good for her!). DS also started seeing a girl from his course - which I thought was a bit quick, but he seemed happy.

DS and ex-partner both still lived together in the house while they were selling it and got on, and kept in touch after they sold and she moved back home. I've exchanged the occasional message with her and she popped in on the way back from a work event to pick some bits DS had accidentally packed with his things. She seems to be getting on really well - she managed to buy a new house and has been with her new boyfriend for about 9 months.

I bumped into her the other day, while out shopping. We ended up going for a coffee and a catch-up. I showed her photos of my granddaughter and she commented on how big she'd got. I did tell her I thought it was for the best, what happened. Both DS and her seem happier than they were, and it wasn't like it was anyone's fault. She then pulled a face. After a bit of prodding, she then said there was something she thought I should know. She said there was "overlap" between the new girlfriend, and her. DS had been seeing the new girlfriend for the last few months of his relationship with his ex-partner. I absolutely believe her, not because I assume he'd do that, but because I'd never believe in a million years she'd make it up. She said he called her a month or so after they'd sold the house and told her the truth out of guilt. They were still friends at that point, they'd still been in fairly regular contact at that point. She said he told her she was his best friend and couldn't continue lying to her. The only contact they had after that was sorting out closing their joint current account.

I've never been so angry with him in my entire life. I can't believe he did that to that poor girl. She uprooted her life for him, barely saw family and friends for years to be with him, we had basically adopted her into our family and he does that to her? Obviously, I'm also very unhappy with the girlfriend too - she knew DS was in a committed relationship. He doesn't know I know. I haven't even told DH because he'll go absolutely ballistic at them both.

OP posts:
SoUtterlyDoneIn · 12/07/2023 20:19

Aaaaandbreathe · 12/07/2023 20:16

Doesn't mean they are bad people, but they are cowards who deceive others because they can't cope with a conversation. Totally on them and they deserve to be called out. You wouldn't be so accepting if it happened to you or your DD.

Yeah if only there was some way to identify the invisible hands at work raising men to be emotional simpletons because that's strong, only to have it backfire.

It's a mystery we'll probably never unravel, like how OP's son seems to be a bit confused about whether disloyal behaviour is ok.

Tighginn · 12/07/2023 20:22

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AlwaysGinPlease · 12/07/2023 20:24

@Tighginn oh the irony 🤣

HamBone · 12/07/2023 20:24

Greater reliance on parents as adults =parents feel more of a right to butt in. I get on well with my parents but it’s very much “ you’re an adult and so am I” deal and has been since my early twenties.

@illiterato Same here in terms of complete financial and personal independence from my parents, but they’d still say something if they heard that I’d done something unpleasant to someone else.

Different families, different approaches. My family is very outspoken, DH’s parents never say anything to their adult children. No one is estranged!

DrSbaitso · 12/07/2023 20:25

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Aaaaandbreathe · 12/07/2023 20:25

WeetabixTowels · 12/07/2023 20:17

OP already said her son knew that she knew about his cheating

The OP actually already knew?? I must have missed that bit!

As for the rest of your post - saying “get his side of the story” is in no way blaming a woman for being cheated on

I'm sure I read that the DS knew OP knew...you know, after the ex told her? I may be wrong and I can't be bothered sifting through posts for the benefit of people who are intentionally being obtuse, can't look themselves and make excuses for cheaters.

HTH.

DrSbaitso · 12/07/2023 20:26

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Well that's embarrassing...

DrSbaitso · 12/07/2023 20:27

Aaaaandbreathe · 12/07/2023 20:25

I'm sure I read that the DS knew OP knew...you know, after the ex told her? I may be wrong and I can't be bothered sifting through posts for the benefit of people who are intentionally being obtuse, can't look themselves and make excuses for cheaters.

HTH.

She didn't know. She mentioned that it was nobody's fault, ex made a face and OP prodded her for info.

Tighginn · 12/07/2023 20:27

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Abusing a dyslexic...

Aaaaandbreathe · 12/07/2023 20:31

DrSbaitso · 12/07/2023 20:27

She didn't know. She mentioned that it was nobody's fault, ex made a face and OP prodded her for info.

No, I know that. Thought I'd read that since the revelation her DS knew his Mum had found out, but perhaps I've got mixed up with another thread

DrSbaitso · 12/07/2023 20:31

Tighginn · 12/07/2023 20:27

Abusing a dyslexic...

The only person being abusive is you and your dyslexia isn't an excuse even when people do know about it. The stuff about capitals made no sense at all.

Tighginn · 12/07/2023 20:33

DrSbaitso · 12/07/2023 20:31

The only person being abusive is you and your dyslexia isn't an excuse even when people do know about it. The stuff about capitals made no sense at all.

Your screaming rant!

DrSbaitso · 12/07/2023 20:34

Tighginn · 12/07/2023 20:33

Your screaming rant!

Where did I scream a rant?

Tighginn · 12/07/2023 20:34

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DrSbaitso · 12/07/2023 20:34

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Where did I scream a rant?

wholivesondrurylane · 12/07/2023 20:38

did the OP just name-change or something?

DrSbaitso · 12/07/2023 20:40

wholivesondrurylane · 12/07/2023 20:38

did the OP just name-change or something?

Don't think so...I don't think name changes show up on threads any more if you've already posted on it with your previous name. Anyway, as unwise as OP's planned action is, she at least makes sense and isn't abusing people.

Mothership4two · 12/07/2023 20:41

@Aaaaandbreathe

The people saying 'we don't know this is true'. We don't know anything on Mumsnet is true, but once again straight away people are accusing the ex dil of lying when OP already said her son knew that she knew about his cheating. So I take from that he accepts he was a cheat and there is nothing to suggest the woman in the situation is lying, but people still accuse her of it.

I think what people mean is that an ex may have their reasons maybe justified, maybe not to 'muddy the water' by using a family member (especially a mum) to accuse their ex of poor behaviour and cause problems for them. Their gender is irrelevant. OP has said she completely accepts her version without any input from her DS.

Personally I would have a little more faith in my own child

WildUnchartedWaters · 12/07/2023 20:42

WeetabixTowels · 12/07/2023 17:27

Given the OP wasn’t the one cheated on, she doesn’t have a right to anything.

Only on Mm , where each word is measured and judged

So if someone cheated on your friend, daughter, youd continue your friendship with them would you? After all , you have no right to an opinion.

WildUnchartedWaters · 12/07/2023 20:43

Mutinyonthecrunchie · 12/07/2023 18:14

Is ds really going to care what OP has to say? Probably not.
OP comes across that she thinks this is acceptable to interfere and have her say

Yes. Most people do care about and respect their parents, in the real world.

DrSbaitso · 12/07/2023 20:45

WildUnchartedWaters · 12/07/2023 20:43

Yes. Most people do care about and respect their parents, in the real world.

Respect has to be earned. And caring about your parents doesn't mean you have to accept them inserting themselves where they don't belong.

WildUnchartedWaters · 12/07/2023 20:46

Aaaaandbreathe · 12/07/2023 19:49

This!

But it's ok if it's someone's son, ergo all men who cheat are justified because they are someone's son.

Always a woman to blame. She must be lying, she must have cheated first. Leave the poor cheating man alone.

I truly despair.

This, and 15 pages of vitriol aimed at a mother quite rightly calling out her sons shit behaviour.

I assume all these posters will not support their own daughters if they are cheated on as it is none of their business.

WildUnchartedWaters · 12/07/2023 20:47

DrSbaitso · 12/07/2023 20:45

Respect has to be earned. And caring about your parents doesn't mean you have to accept them inserting themselves where they don't belong.

So a woman must only give help or advice when a man requests it and must know her place the rest of the time.

thehairdebate · 12/07/2023 20:48

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DrSbaitso · 12/07/2023 20:50

WildUnchartedWaters · 12/07/2023 20:47

So a woman must only give help or advice when a man requests it and must know her place the rest of the time.

How is anyone supposed to have an intelligent, reasonable discussion with this kind of disingenuous dishonesty?