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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To be absolutely disgusted at DS?

472 replies

Cath60 · 12/07/2023 15:45

Where to even start with this? At the start, I suppose? DS, now 28, broke up with his partner, now 27, about a year and a half ago. She was absolutely devastated at the time. For all of us it came virtually out of nowhere. We knew he was depressed (my FIL died and he was hating his uni course he'd left his job for), but didn't see it coming. He said he just saw her as a friend, and that was it. His ex-partner took a while to accept the situation. The way she described it to me at the time was it was like her life was falling apart. She'd moved to be with DS, they'd bought a house together (and at the time wasn't in a position buy again because her job was zero hours) and very much saw my family as her's - she absolutely doted on my granddaughter (probably babysat the most, after me and DH). For the rest of the family, it was really sad. We absolutely loved her - she'd been really good for DS (and was the first relationship he'd had that had got to 6 months), but we'd rather it end than continue a relationship like that, when they were both so young. She did wrap her head around it and had a bit of a rebound fling while they were selling the house (good for her!). DS also started seeing a girl from his course - which I thought was a bit quick, but he seemed happy.

DS and ex-partner both still lived together in the house while they were selling it and got on, and kept in touch after they sold and she moved back home. I've exchanged the occasional message with her and she popped in on the way back from a work event to pick some bits DS had accidentally packed with his things. She seems to be getting on really well - she managed to buy a new house and has been with her new boyfriend for about 9 months.

I bumped into her the other day, while out shopping. We ended up going for a coffee and a catch-up. I showed her photos of my granddaughter and she commented on how big she'd got. I did tell her I thought it was for the best, what happened. Both DS and her seem happier than they were, and it wasn't like it was anyone's fault. She then pulled a face. After a bit of prodding, she then said there was something she thought I should know. She said there was "overlap" between the new girlfriend, and her. DS had been seeing the new girlfriend for the last few months of his relationship with his ex-partner. I absolutely believe her, not because I assume he'd do that, but because I'd never believe in a million years she'd make it up. She said he called her a month or so after they'd sold the house and told her the truth out of guilt. They were still friends at that point, they'd still been in fairly regular contact at that point. She said he told her she was his best friend and couldn't continue lying to her. The only contact they had after that was sorting out closing their joint current account.

I've never been so angry with him in my entire life. I can't believe he did that to that poor girl. She uprooted her life for him, barely saw family and friends for years to be with him, we had basically adopted her into our family and he does that to her? Obviously, I'm also very unhappy with the girlfriend too - she knew DS was in a committed relationship. He doesn't know I know. I haven't even told DH because he'll go absolutely ballistic at them both.

OP posts:
Tighginn · 12/07/2023 19:49

WeetabixTowels · 12/07/2023 19:47

But what actual use is it for the OP to give some moral lecture 18 months later when everyone has moved on, no marriage or kids involved and minimal harm done? We don’t even know if it’s true!

Should she just zip it and be expected to do unpaid childcare until her last breath...

illiterato · 12/07/2023 19:52

Tighginn · 12/07/2023 19:49

Should she just zip it and be expected to do unpaid childcare until her last breath...

They don’t have kids.

DrSbaitso · 12/07/2023 19:53

Tighginn · 12/07/2023 19:49

Should she just zip it and be expected to do unpaid childcare until her last breath...

There are no kids involved, where does this come from?

Look after your grandkids or don't, but insisting your kids pay you for it by submitting to your moral lectures on their past relationships? Are you for bloody real?

Tighginn · 12/07/2023 19:53

illiterato · 12/07/2023 19:52

They don’t have kids.

Hypothetically speaking, sorry I thought that of been obvious.

WeetabixTowels · 12/07/2023 19:53

Aaaaandbreathe · 12/07/2023 19:49

This!

But it's ok if it's someone's son, ergo all men who cheat are justified because they are someone's son.

Always a woman to blame. She must be lying, she must have cheated first. Leave the poor cheating man alone.

I truly despair.

Who has blamed a woman?

The ship for teaching lessons has sailed. What would be the actual point of gong beserk at him nearly 2 years later? And is it just sons we should do this to not daughters?

Thebirdhouse · 12/07/2023 19:55

I’d be very disappointed if one of my kids did this too.

WeetabixTowels · 12/07/2023 19:55

Tighginn · 12/07/2023 19:49

Should she just zip it and be expected to do unpaid childcare until her last breath...

Are you drunk? What are you banging on about? Her son doesn’t have kids.

Tighginn · 12/07/2023 19:55

WeetabixTowels · 12/07/2023 19:53

Who has blamed a woman?

The ship for teaching lessons has sailed. What would be the actual point of gong beserk at him nearly 2 years later? And is it just sons we should do this to not daughters?

The women thought she had a close relationship with her son, when actually be was manipulating her, of course it hurts, if course she has a right to voice it.

WeetabixTowels · 12/07/2023 19:57

Tighginn · 12/07/2023 19:53

Hypothetically speaking, sorry I thought that of been obvious.

Eh?

What are you saying - that cheating in a previous relationship forevermore negates a good relationship between your parents and your future kids?

Some really unhinged people on here are seriously projecting

Tighginn · 12/07/2023 19:57

WeetabixTowels · 12/07/2023 19:55

Are you drunk? What are you banging on about? Her son doesn’t have kids.

No, not drunk.

WeetabixTowels · 12/07/2023 19:57

Tighginn · 12/07/2023 19:55

The women thought she had a close relationship with her son, when actually be was manipulating her, of course it hurts, if course she has a right to voice it.

You’re confusing me. Which woman has been blamed, and by who?

DrSbaitso · 12/07/2023 19:58

Tighginn · 12/07/2023 19:55

The women thought she had a close relationship with her son, when actually be was manipulating her, of course it hurts, if course she has a right to voice it.

If OP believes that, it might be the most self centred thing I've ever heard. His relationship with his partner is not about his mother, you or anyone else.

If she has a right to voice it, he has a right of reply to tell her to butt out of his private life. He's not her possession.

Tighginn · 12/07/2023 19:59

DrSbaitso · 12/07/2023 19:58

If OP believes that, it might be the most self centred thing I've ever heard. His relationship with his partner is not about his mother, you or anyone else.

If she has a right to voice it, he has a right of reply to tell her to butt out of his private life. He's not her possession.

That would have been better in capital's.

illiterato · 12/07/2023 19:59

Tighginn · 12/07/2023 19:53

Hypothetically speaking, sorry I thought that of been obvious.

Ah ok. Sorry- misinterpreted. I think it’s a good point though in that people’s perspectives on this are probably coming from a place of their own relationships with their parents and the power dynamic there. Greater reliance on parents as adults =parents feel more of a right to butt in. I get on well with my parents but it’s very much “ you’re an adult and so am I” deal and has been since my early twenties. I don’t ask them for anything and therefore they leave me to it. Therefore I can’t comprehend a scenario in which my parents are telling me off for slightly dodgy overlap situation and having coffee with my ex. And honestly if that’s all she knew about I’d be secretly relieved 🤣🤣

EarringsandLipstick · 12/07/2023 20:01

Shodan · 12/07/2023 19:13

If some young chap was telling tales about DD I would tend to find out from DD what happened before joining the lynch mob. Frankly I would be asking myself how I ended up listening to their ex defaming them behind their back in the first place.

I agree with this. I'm rather shocked that OP has just jumped straight to "My DS is such a bad person and I'm going to tell him how disappointed in him I am" .I would never take as gospel the word of someone who is speaking ill of my own child, and I certainly wouldn't be so judgemental, so fast.

I find it rather odd that the OP lauds this woman so much and is prepared to just believe her, without speaking to her son to find out his side of the story.

Actually, not just rather odd- it's downright weird.

Agree with all this.

Tighginn · 12/07/2023 20:02

illiterato · 12/07/2023 19:59

Ah ok. Sorry- misinterpreted. I think it’s a good point though in that people’s perspectives on this are probably coming from a place of their own relationships with their parents and the power dynamic there. Greater reliance on parents as adults =parents feel more of a right to butt in. I get on well with my parents but it’s very much “ you’re an adult and so am I” deal and has been since my early twenties. I don’t ask them for anything and therefore they leave me to it. Therefore I can’t comprehend a scenario in which my parents are telling me off for slightly dodgy overlap situation and having coffee with my ex. And honestly if that’s all she knew about I’d be secretly relieved 🤣🤣

I'm just glad social media was not a thing in the 90's! My misspent youth can remain in dark Smokey pubs and clubs!

SoUtterlyDoneIn · 12/07/2023 20:03

Aaaaandbreathe · 12/07/2023 19:49

This!

But it's ok if it's someone's son, ergo all men who cheat are justified because they are someone's son.

Always a woman to blame. She must be lying, she must have cheated first. Leave the poor cheating man alone.

I truly despair.

It's not a gendered criticism, frankly.

If anything if you switch everyone to the other gender it seems a bit worse - I think if DP said he'd met up with DD's ex from 18 months ago, listened passively to him tarnish her name and was now angry at her for her low character and bad morals because "he wouldn't make it up" I'd change the bloody locks!

SpaceCorpsDirective1742 · 12/07/2023 20:05

I think it's fine to be disappointed but it's new information for you, everyone else has moved on and it doesn't all need to blow up again now.

I agree with other posters that your son really didn't need to tell her about his cheating so long after the break up. It just stirred up something that had already been put to bed.

But the ex really didn't need to tell you either, even further after the event. I do wonder if she wasn't sitting there wondering how she could work this little nugget of information into the conversation to cause trouble between you, son and new gf.

Aaaaandbreathe · 12/07/2023 20:06

WeetabixTowels · 12/07/2023 19:53

Who has blamed a woman?

The ship for teaching lessons has sailed. What would be the actual point of gong beserk at him nearly 2 years later? And is it just sons we should do this to not daughters?

The people saying 'we don't know this is true'. We don't know anything on Mumsnet is true, but once again straight away people are accusing the ex dil of lying when OP already said her son knew that she knew about his cheating. So I take from that he accepts he was a cheat and there is nothing to suggest the woman in the situation is lying, but people still accuse her of it.

The point of her speaking to her son is because it reinforces his behaviour was wrong and then he might think twice about doing it to the new girlfriend as he clearly has form.

And yes, daughters as well if that was the point of the thread. But this is about a male and people keep trying to drag females into it when not a thing in this post suggests any female has done anything wrong (perhaps the new gf if she knew but she didn't make a commitment to the ex).

If OP posted about her daughter doing the same I would feel just as strongly.

DrSbaitso · 12/07/2023 20:10

Tighginn · 12/07/2023 19:59

That would have been better in capital's.

You're not even trying to make sense now, are you?

Kindling1970 · 12/07/2023 20:10

I guess it depends what was going on with your son. It's obviously never great having overlap but I know a couple of nice men who have done that because they simply don't have it in them to break up with their girlfriend. There's a maturity issue and they bury their head in the sand when the meet someone new so it takes ages to actually end it. Still not ok but it can come from (in my experience) men who just don't know how to have an emotional conversation.

Whatiswrongwithm · 12/07/2023 20:11

Tighginn · 12/07/2023 19:43

Come on, mumsnet, here we have a mum of a man behaving in a way we tear to shreds everyday, Responding in a way we hope she would. It must be hard thinking of your son as one of them, you'll be watching him like a hawk forever more. You did your best.

This.

Summerfun54321 · 12/07/2023 20:14

How would you feel if your son judged you and your love life in the same way? Imagine you broke up with a boyfriend and your son met him for a coffee afterwards and pressed him on the details of who slept with who when. So gross. You are WAY too involved.

Aaaaandbreathe · 12/07/2023 20:16

Kindling1970 · 12/07/2023 20:10

I guess it depends what was going on with your son. It's obviously never great having overlap but I know a couple of nice men who have done that because they simply don't have it in them to break up with their girlfriend. There's a maturity issue and they bury their head in the sand when the meet someone new so it takes ages to actually end it. Still not ok but it can come from (in my experience) men who just don't know how to have an emotional conversation.

Doesn't mean they are bad people, but they are cowards who deceive others because they can't cope with a conversation. Totally on them and they deserve to be called out. You wouldn't be so accepting if it happened to you or your DD.

WeetabixTowels · 12/07/2023 20:17

OP already said her son knew that she knew about his cheating

The OP actually already knew?? I must have missed that bit!

As for the rest of your post - saying “get his side of the story” is in no way blaming a woman for being cheated on