To be absolutely disgusted at DS?

[Cath60]

Where to even start with this? At the start, I suppose? DS, now 28, broke up with his partner, now 27, about a year and a half ago. She was absolutely devastated at the time. For all of us it came virtually out of nowhere. We knew he was depressed (my FIL died and he was hating his uni course he'd left his job for), but didn't see it coming. He said he just saw her as a friend, and that was it. His ex-partner took a while to accept the situation. The way she described it to me at the time was it was like her life was falling apart. She'd moved to be with DS, they'd bought a house together (and at the time wasn't in a position buy again because her job was zero hours) and very much saw my family as her's - she absolutely doted on my granddaughter (probably babysat the most, after me and DH). For the rest of the family, it was really sad. We absolutely loved her - she'd been really good for DS (and was the first relationship he'd had that had got to 6 months), but we'd rather it end than continue a relationship like that, when they were both so young. She did wrap her head around it and had a bit of a rebound fling while they were selling the house (good for her!). DS also started seeing a girl from his course - which I thought was a bit quick, but he seemed happy.

DS and ex-partner both still lived together in the house while they were selling it and got on, and kept in touch after they sold and she moved back home. I've exchanged the occasional message with her and she popped in on the way back from a work event to pick some bits DS had accidentally packed with his things. She seems to be getting on really well - she managed to buy a new house and has been with her new boyfriend for about 9 months.

I bumped into her the other day, while out shopping. We ended up going for a coffee and a catch-up. I showed her photos of my granddaughter and she commented on how big she'd got. I did tell her I thought it was for the best, what happened. Both DS and her seem happier than they were, and it wasn't like it was anyone's fault. She then pulled a face. After a bit of prodding, she then said there was something she thought I should know. She said there was "overlap" between the new girlfriend, and her. DS had been seeing the new girlfriend for the last few months of his relationship with his ex-partner. I absolutely believe her, not because I assume he'd do that, but because I'd never believe in a million years she'd make it up. She said he called her a month or so after they'd sold the house and told her the truth out of guilt. They were still friends at that point, they'd still been in fairly regular contact at that point. She said he told her she was his best friend and couldn't continue lying to her. The only contact they had after that was sorting out closing their joint current account.

I've never been so angry with him in my entire life. I can't believe he did that to that poor girl. She uprooted her life for him, barely saw family and friends for years to be with him, we had basically adopted her into our family and he does that to her? Obviously, I'm also very unhappy with the girlfriend too - she knew DS was in a committed relationship. He doesn't know I know. I haven't even told DH because he'll go absolutely ballistic at them both.

Also there’s no turning a blind eye to it here as OP didn’t know at the time.

Hoe ally I think some people want OP to go NC with her son and adopt the bloody ex as a daughter

Well, could be worse. You could be Huw Edward’s mum. Seriously though, I think this is why it pays to keep a bit of emotional distance with dc’s other halves because you don’t know how long they’ll be around and as the dc in the situation there’s nothing worse than knowing by dumping someone you’re not only breaking their heart but also your mother’s. can make you hang in there a bit longer than you should and that’s when overlap tends to happen.

It is hard when an AC's relationship breaks down and the partner has become one of the family. But you need to stand back from this. Your son is an adult and will make mistakes as we all do, and needs to sort it out for himself.

I think 'disgusted' is a little OTT... At the end of the day, your son is a grown adult and is living his own life. None of us are saints, and even though what he did was wrong, it seems as though both him and the ex have moved on. It's best that you do the same!

IME overlapping relationships are pretty standard even when those involved say there was no overlap. I could count on the fingers of one hand people I have known who have left their relationship without someone waiting in the wings. It's not nice, morally dodgy but it happens.

Personally I would not be raking this up now they have both moved on and are in new partnerships. Had OP known at the time then that would have been a different matter. OP can get on her high horse but, unless she is thinking about cutting them off over this bit excessive, she also has/will have a relationship with the new partner who may end up being with DS very long term. I can see no benefits from stirring things up with this information now.

Frankly I don't understand discussing past relationships/break ups with your children's ex partners no matter how close you are or were to them.

But you're married!! Completely different and I can much more imagine this reaction if that was the case but these are twenty somethings. Come on, I know I did plenty if not the most wise things in my twenties and somehow I'm an overall very moral and decent person now. He felt dreadful, OP said, so knows he was completely wrong.

And also if you left him you’d no longer be his daughter. That’s the difference. I get on great with MIl but if we split I’ve got no doubt about which way she’d jump and rightly so.

Well said.

OP’s husband needs anger management by the sounds of it.

You should hear the shenanigans that has gone on in DH’s family (it would kill some people here stone dead in shock) and we all manage to coo over the not-so-new after all new partner and not be dicks and son into our Pombears that cheating is just sooooo awful.

👏(can't find a 'thumbs up')

I’m also wondering if OP liked the ex much more than her son and he felt that. Which is why he hasn’t been open (we are not even sure it happened).

Focus on the new GF OP - she could be the mother of your grandchildren one day. Don’t burn any bridges now for the sake of a random woman who in 10 years time will have another MIL and will struggle to remember your name.

hes acting like a teenager i would be ashamed at his behaviour

Yes.

Add to this the fact that quite someone could be really horrible in the context of a relationship without anyone outside it knowing.

All you really know in this context is that she presents really well to people outside the relationship and they "can't imagine her making stuff up". Which is worth nothing, ask most of MN

I would be fuming if my mum met up with an ex 18 months after we broke up, and said she was ballistic at me because of “overlap”. It’s none of your business and it’s weird being so involved with your child’s ex!

Overlap isn’t ideal but it happens a lot. A lot of people don’t know their relationship is the wrong one until they suddenly meet the right person, and they don’t want to leave the comfort of the stable relationship until they know whether they actually have a chance with the other person. Of course it’s not nice but common. At least he told his ex fairly quickly and broke up with her, rather than dating both of them for years. Maybe the reason he dragged it on as long as he had, was because he knew you were so close with her. Still it’s hardly as bad as actual crime which is being described in this thread.

You cannot control how your son behaves and, as an adult, he must lead his own life.

However, you can do something positive, like maybe helping out his ex-partner? Tell her you feel she is "still family" and keep in contact with her. You both sound like good people, so maybe find a positive in all this that at least you have found one another?

I have two adult sons and an adult daughter. I would never be on anyone's side but theirs. No matter what. Back off.

Come on, mumsnet, here we have a mum of a man behaving in a way we tear to shreds everyday, Responding in a way we hope she would. It must be hard thinking of your son as one of them, you'll be watching him like a hawk forever more. You did your best.

Is he?

Please don’t do this. That’s just weird. It’s like Wayne’s gf in Wayne’s world. “Just because we broke up doesn’t mean we can’t still see each other”. 🤣🤣

I'm really surprised at the answers you are getting here. I would be very upset if this was my adult child too, it's an awful thing to do any body.

But what actual use is it for the OP to give some moral lecture 18 months later when everyone has moved on, no marriage or kids involved and minimal harm done? We don’t even know if it’s true!

As for encouraging the OP to maintain a friendship with son’s ex - isn’t that toxic MIL behaviour that MN always advises to go NC? She can’t be THAT much of use to the OP that she’s willing to risk her relationship with her actual son

This!

But it's ok if it's someone's son, ergo all men who cheat are justified because they are someone's son.

Always a woman to blame. She must be lying, she must have cheated first. Leave the poor cheating man alone.

I truly despair.

Agree. We hear so many stories on mumsnet about their cheating partners and 99% of time we side with person being cheated on. However when the mother of the cheater is disappointed and even disgusted with their child’s cheating behaviour…. Well then, it’s none of her god damn business!!