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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To be absolutely disgusted at DS?

472 replies

Cath60 · 12/07/2023 15:45

Where to even start with this? At the start, I suppose? DS, now 28, broke up with his partner, now 27, about a year and a half ago. She was absolutely devastated at the time. For all of us it came virtually out of nowhere. We knew he was depressed (my FIL died and he was hating his uni course he'd left his job for), but didn't see it coming. He said he just saw her as a friend, and that was it. His ex-partner took a while to accept the situation. The way she described it to me at the time was it was like her life was falling apart. She'd moved to be with DS, they'd bought a house together (and at the time wasn't in a position buy again because her job was zero hours) and very much saw my family as her's - she absolutely doted on my granddaughter (probably babysat the most, after me and DH). For the rest of the family, it was really sad. We absolutely loved her - she'd been really good for DS (and was the first relationship he'd had that had got to 6 months), but we'd rather it end than continue a relationship like that, when they were both so young. She did wrap her head around it and had a bit of a rebound fling while they were selling the house (good for her!). DS also started seeing a girl from his course - which I thought was a bit quick, but he seemed happy.

DS and ex-partner both still lived together in the house while they were selling it and got on, and kept in touch after they sold and she moved back home. I've exchanged the occasional message with her and she popped in on the way back from a work event to pick some bits DS had accidentally packed with his things. She seems to be getting on really well - she managed to buy a new house and has been with her new boyfriend for about 9 months.

I bumped into her the other day, while out shopping. We ended up going for a coffee and a catch-up. I showed her photos of my granddaughter and she commented on how big she'd got. I did tell her I thought it was for the best, what happened. Both DS and her seem happier than they were, and it wasn't like it was anyone's fault. She then pulled a face. After a bit of prodding, she then said there was something she thought I should know. She said there was "overlap" between the new girlfriend, and her. DS had been seeing the new girlfriend for the last few months of his relationship with his ex-partner. I absolutely believe her, not because I assume he'd do that, but because I'd never believe in a million years she'd make it up. She said he called her a month or so after they'd sold the house and told her the truth out of guilt. They were still friends at that point, they'd still been in fairly regular contact at that point. She said he told her she was his best friend and couldn't continue lying to her. The only contact they had after that was sorting out closing their joint current account.

I've never been so angry with him in my entire life. I can't believe he did that to that poor girl. She uprooted her life for him, barely saw family and friends for years to be with him, we had basically adopted her into our family and he does that to her? Obviously, I'm also very unhappy with the girlfriend too - she knew DS was in a committed relationship. He doesn't know I know. I haven't even told DH because he'll go absolutely ballistic at them both.

OP posts:
Whatiswrongwithm · 12/07/2023 18:45

SlipSlidinAway · 12/07/2023 16:00

Wow. You are being completely OTT. It's a very noble aim but few people have a clean break between relationships. There's usually some overlap. Cut him some slack.

Cut him some slack? He’s a cheating bastard who bought a house with someone who moved to be with him and then had an affair.

It’s not OTT at all to be upset.

also the new GF has started her relationship with your family based on deceit. You would not have been so nice if you knew she purposely caused the pain and suffering of someone else by enabling the son to cheat with her.

DrSbaitso · 12/07/2023 18:49

Whatiswrongwithm · 12/07/2023 18:45

Cut him some slack? He’s a cheating bastard who bought a house with someone who moved to be with him and then had an affair.

It’s not OTT at all to be upset.

also the new GF has started her relationship with your family based on deceit. You would not have been so nice if you knew she purposely caused the pain and suffering of someone else by enabling the son to cheat with her.

It’s not OTT at all to be upset.

It is when it's fuck all to do with you.

Cheating bastard? He was 26 years old, his first relationship that made it to six months, unmarried, no kids and he's now been with the "new" girl longer than the previous one, if I understand the timeline correctly. Of course he should have handled it better but the opprobrium from people who wouldn't know this guy if they fell over him is madness.

PinkIcedCream · 12/07/2023 18:55

YANBU.

Of course you’re very disappointed with your son. What decent mother wouldn’t be disappointed to discover their child is a cheating scumbag?

I wonder if those saying MYOB would also turn a blind eye to criminal behaviour too? I suspect they would, sadly. 🤷🏻‍♀️

PrideNails · 12/07/2023 18:57

Cath60 · 12/07/2023 17:48

DS is meant to be coming over for his tea tonight. His new girlfriend is away for work and DH is away for the next week as well. Probably the best opportunity I'll have to have a conversation about it. Calmly.

Why do you have to discuss this with him? It's none of your business? You sound way to invested in your son's love life, leave it alone!

TheoTheopolis23 · 12/07/2023 18:57

If express your disappointment and disapproval of his behaviour, and say you sincerely hope he'll treat future partners better and not repeat such behaviour.

Hopefully this will be in his head/like a little conscience on his shoulder the next time he finds himself wanting rid of one woman and getting into a cheating situation with another.

Next time it might not be "just" a relocation and house purchase on behalf of his unfortunate partner, it might be kids involved.

CurlyhairedAssassin · 12/07/2023 18:57

I can imagine how you feel, OP. You feel disappointed because you thought you'd brought him up with better morals than that and to treat people better, and now it seems you were proved wrong.

I don't think she was being manipulative in telling you. If I was her and all I heard from other people was the fake version of events ie that they just grew apart and it was amicable, then there's no way I'd keep quiet for the sake of decorum or dignity or whatever you want to call it. You can imagine that some mothers can see no wrong in their children and would always take their side no matter what and that must be so galling for a woman who's been cheated on and treated really badly. If I was the ex I would set the record straight, tell it like it was, but keep it to the simple facts and then bring a swift end to the conversation and change the subject, so that you know the full story. But then make it clear that you won't discuss the finer details with them or talk about it at all again.

Having said that, I would not then keep my knowledge quiet from my son either. How could you - what if she was telling a pack of lies? I don't see it as being "none of your business", I'd at least want to check it was true. So I would just say to him "Can I just ask you one thing and I don't want to know the finer details - Ex says you split up because you cheated on her. Is that true?" If he says that it is, I would just say "I'm not going to say another word on the subject after this conversation other than to say I'm disappointed that you split that way rather than do the decent thing and finish first. I thought I'd brought you up better than that. Now, I've got that off my chest, let's move on and we won't talk about it again." (unless he wants to of course. Maybe he'd welcome the chance to talk about what was possibly a horrible relationship behind the facade that you saw?)

ChillysWaterBottle · 12/07/2023 19:01

I'd be disappointed and disgusted if my son behaved like that OP. 'Overlapping' relationships is not normal or acceptable behaviour. YANBU.

Jigslaw · 12/07/2023 19:02

TwoFluffyDogsOnMyBed · 12/07/2023 18:32

If you think he behaved badly because of the way you raised him, why are you disgusted with him?

I'm not saying he did act like that because of the way you raised him but it would be logical to be disgusted with yourself would it not?

Also, just think how weird it would be if your parents were upset because they thought it was their fault that their child had raised a son who acted so badly…

Not everything is a woman/mums fault ffs.

SoUtterlyDoneIn · 12/07/2023 19:03

If some young chap was telling tales about DD I would tend to find out from DD what happened before joining the lynch mob. Frankly I would be asking myself how I ended up listening to their ex defaming them behind their back in the first place.

Not saying she's even wrong, but yeah. Maybe have a think about it from other points of view.

TillieAnn1945 · 12/07/2023 19:04

RosaGallica · 12/07/2023 18:19

I’d be disappointed too. There are way too many men who can’t behave decently already. It’s so difficult to raise boys in a fundamentally unpleasant society. I find those telling you it’s none of your business equally unpleasant. Of course it is, if you adopted the ex gf into the family and are suddenly supposed to pretend she never existed.

Women cheat too.

CottonGoods · 12/07/2023 19:04

Jigslaw · 12/07/2023 19:02

Not everything is a woman/mums fault ffs.

Agree with this. I have a history of infidelity, but I can hardly blame my parents (who have been happily married for 55 yrs btw). People who cheat need to take responsibility for their own behaviour - and their parents do not need to take it upon themselves to get involved.

Lolapusht · 12/07/2023 19:06

Wow! Slightly amazed at the responses 😮

The number of times people complain about MILs not having done a good job in raising their boys or when said boy cheats the MIL takes his side and doesn’t help out the abandoned DIL. OP is a good mum who is appalled at how her son has behaved and she’s getting told to butt out 😵‍💫

OP, I’m with you. If my DC cheated I’d be having words, regardless of how long ago it was. My DH would also go ballistic, primarily because his dad’s cheating destroyed his family. I have no issue calling someone on their appalling behaviour. We kicked our lodger out as he was cheating on his girlfriend who also lived with us. We knew, he knew, she didn’t know and we were not prepared to tolerate that sort of behaviour under our roof.

Also, I have never cheated on a partner and never would. I have been attracted to other people while in a relationship but took that as a sign I should no longer be in that relationship so ended things without “an overlap” 🙄

PollyThePixie · 12/07/2023 19:07

I’d be ashamed of him as well Op. In fact I’d be a lot of things. Being a cheat and a liar is never nice.

GatoradeMeBitch · 12/07/2023 19:10

I know someone who did a similar thing. He was so upset, said the split was not what he wanted, then it turned out he had started seeing the new girl before breaking up, and did the very not mature thing of provoking fights with her to try and get her to do it. Then blamed her.

That said, I think you need to have a good rant here, and then let it go. If he met someone he liked better, these things happen. At least they didn't have children. For all you know, this current one could be who he marries and starts a family with. Be careful you don't come across like you're aligning yourself with someone who isn't even really in your life anymore. The people we love aren't always perfect. Questioning him isn't going to undo it.

Nogg · 12/07/2023 19:12

Nothing to do with you.
He is an adult you need to back off out of his love life.
I think this level of involvement is a bit weird tbh.

Shodan · 12/07/2023 19:13

If some young chap was telling tales about DD I would tend to find out from DD what happened before joining the lynch mob. Frankly I would be asking myself how I ended up listening to their ex defaming them behind their back in the first place.

I agree with this. I'm rather shocked that OP has just jumped straight to "My DS is such a bad person and I'm going to tell him how disappointed in him I am" .I would never take as gospel the word of someone who is speaking ill of my own child, and I certainly wouldn't be so judgemental, so fast.

I find it rather odd that the OP lauds this woman so much and is prepared to just believe her, without speaking to her son to find out his side of the story.

Actually, not just rather odd- it's downright weird.

SomethingNastyInTheGenePool · 12/07/2023 19:16

Shit happens. Butt out.

Ritualroad · 12/07/2023 19:18

If you have this conversation with him tonight then be prepared to push him away. It will definitely get back to his new girlfriend so I would be prepared for that relationship to be soured too.

Aaaaandbreathe · 12/07/2023 19:18

WeetabixTowels · 12/07/2023 18:10

No or is saying cheating is good - it to be furious about someone else* cheating on someone else^ is totally bizarre to me.

TBH when my kids are in their mid-20’s, as long as they are stable, happy, preferably employed/occupied, not taking drugs, and not committing crimes I really would be a ridiculous woman to expect they never ever make a bad choice outside of that. And I’d never dream of getting involved in their sex lives.

Well, then you can understand people love their children unconditionally but can still be upset.

If I knew someone else was cheating on their partner I wouldn't think it was great, but it would be none of my business.

I get it's none of my business if it's my child, but I would absolutely be disappointed they treated someone else like this when I've been trying to teach them not to be an asshole if that makes sense.

Other than telling them I was upset at their behaviour there's not much else I could do, not as if I'd disown them but I would tell them I didn't agree with how they went about things.

CherryBlossoms88 · 12/07/2023 19:18

Yeah I’m amazed by some of the responses saying cheating isn’t that terrible and that it’s none of your business to speak to your son about it.

Why can’t we talk about these things with our sons? Knowing what my son ate at fancy restaurant I guess would be none of my business but I’d still be interested to know. When I say ‘talk’ to our sons, I don’t mean going nuts, shouting expletives, I just mean hearing out his side of events, thoughts and feelings ( I don’t need to know the intimate sexual details!!) and yes if he had been cheating, no doubt I would be disappointed…. A fairly normal reaction to something I disapprove of.

Highdaysandholidays1 · 12/07/2023 19:19

So you listened to the ex-girlfriend then, you listen to her now, she was 'one of the family', you feel sorry as she moved for him (but couldn't have afforded a property on her own anyway), you are out for coffee and cake a year and a half later that's why your son may well not have moved on as quickly as he should! He was stuck in a situation where there was huge pressure to stay at the age of 26 in this situation, and for her to be the DIL of your dreams.

He was 26 and who knows what the overlap was, at that age a lot of my friends did exactly that (I did not). Different IMO when married, vows, kids, are in the picture.

I'd be very pissed off if I were him and you were out for coffee and cake 18 months after my breakup with my ex!

LuluBlakey1 · 12/07/2023 19:23

I would be disappointed in my DS and would tell him so. I wouldn't have a row with him but would have a conversation and express my disappointment in his behaviour at the time. DH would feel the same. Neither of us would be going ballistic or causing dramas. Your DS is 28 and makes his own choices. Perfectly reasonable for you to have an opinion, not reasonable to be making scenes or causing upset now.

WeetabixTowels · 12/07/2023 19:25

PinkIcedCream · 12/07/2023 18:55

YANBU.

Of course you’re very disappointed with your son. What decent mother wouldn’t be disappointed to discover their child is a cheating scumbag?

I wonder if those saying MYOB would also turn a blind eye to criminal behaviour too? I suspect they would, sadly. 🤷🏻‍♀️

Well no because that is criminal behaviour and cheating is t.

These false equivalences are just purely embarrassing now

LuluBlakey1 · 12/07/2023 19:26

And the conversation would not mention his ex or current girlfriend. Just his choice to not be honest at the time and cheat.

AntiSocial6DaysAWeek · 12/07/2023 19:26

People speak to their parents/siblings/friends about relationship problems so it seems very strange to me that that's ok (despite it not being anyone else's business) but if it's your son you can't say anything?

I would absolutely tell my son he had been a complete shit then leave it at that. He wouldn't disown me for expressing my opinion and I wouldn't disown him for being a cheat.