To be absolutely disgusted at DS?

[Cath60]

Where to even start with this? At the start, I suppose? DS, now 28, broke up with his partner, now 27, about a year and a half ago. She was absolutely devastated at the time. For all of us it came virtually out of nowhere. We knew he was depressed (my FIL died and he was hating his uni course he'd left his job for), but didn't see it coming. He said he just saw her as a friend, and that was it. His ex-partner took a while to accept the situation. The way she described it to me at the time was it was like her life was falling apart. She'd moved to be with DS, they'd bought a house together (and at the time wasn't in a position buy again because her job was zero hours) and very much saw my family as her's - she absolutely doted on my granddaughter (probably babysat the most, after me and DH). For the rest of the family, it was really sad. We absolutely loved her - she'd been really good for DS (and was the first relationship he'd had that had got to 6 months), but we'd rather it end than continue a relationship like that, when they were both so young. She did wrap her head around it and had a bit of a rebound fling while they were selling the house (good for her!). DS also started seeing a girl from his course - which I thought was a bit quick, but he seemed happy.

DS and ex-partner both still lived together in the house while they were selling it and got on, and kept in touch after they sold and she moved back home. I've exchanged the occasional message with her and she popped in on the way back from a work event to pick some bits DS had accidentally packed with his things. She seems to be getting on really well - she managed to buy a new house and has been with her new boyfriend for about 9 months.

I bumped into her the other day, while out shopping. We ended up going for a coffee and a catch-up. I showed her photos of my granddaughter and she commented on how big she'd got. I did tell her I thought it was for the best, what happened. Both DS and her seem happier than they were, and it wasn't like it was anyone's fault. She then pulled a face. After a bit of prodding, she then said there was something she thought I should know. She said there was "overlap" between the new girlfriend, and her. DS had been seeing the new girlfriend for the last few months of his relationship with his ex-partner. I absolutely believe her, not because I assume he'd do that, but because I'd never believe in a million years she'd make it up. She said he called her a month or so after they'd sold the house and told her the truth out of guilt. They were still friends at that point, they'd still been in fairly regular contact at that point. She said he told her she was his best friend and couldn't continue lying to her. The only contact they had after that was sorting out closing their joint current account.

I've never been so angry with him in my entire life. I can't believe he did that to that poor girl. She uprooted her life for him, barely saw family and friends for years to be with him, we had basically adopted her into our family and he does that to her? Obviously, I'm also very unhappy with the girlfriend too - she knew DS was in a committed relationship. He doesn't know I know. I haven't even told DH because he'll go absolutely ballistic at them both.

When is it ok for a parent to express disappointment if they feel their dc is taking the wrong path?

18 months later, when everyone involved has moved on and is happy, is probably too late.

Personally I completely understand your reaction. You was close to ex gf and you grew to love her and she was part of the family. You being upset at her being treat like this is completely normal, regardless of whether it is your son who has caused the hurt or not! We love family - which she was - deeply and I don't think you are over invested what so ever. I think it's nice you care. I'm sorry your son has caused that hurt, it can't be nice for you to hear him capable of them things. It bares no reflection on you, you sound an amazing mum.

When they did break up, I was under the impression that there just wasn't the right feelings there anymore. I was sad about them breaking up, but thought it was for the best. I didn't want either of them in a relationship like that

Well maybe that is what the problem was and that's why he cheated. Yes, he is a dick for cheating on her. He should have ended the relationship before starting a new relationship. Unfortunately it happens all the time on here - so often we see threads where a woman posts about a man's changed behaviour towards her and then he says he doesn't have feelings for her anymore - "he loves her but he's not in love with her". Cue loads of posters saying "Cherchez la Femme" etc and the OP saying "No, he's definitely not cheating". A few pages later and yup, an OW has indeed appeared.
This is because in the majority of cases men do not leave a relationship until they have another one to go to. Women are more likely to end the relationship if they are not happy and then look for another partner (not always of course).

Things obviously weren't as rosy as you thought. Perhaps he struggled to end things when he knew they weren't working because of all the involvement with the family and how much you all loved her.

You absolutely should not talk to him about this. It is none of your business. You can be disappointed that he cheated and disappointed that you have "lost" a lovely person who you hoped would be a DIL and be around permanently. But you must keep your feelings to yourself if you don't want to risk a fall out with your son.

The fairly short term relationship is over and has been for a long time. Both sides in new relationships, no kids, no divorce. Hardly equivalent to drugs and abuse. That's a very clear line to me.

Why is it a ridiculous false equivalence?

Cheating causes a great deal of emotional distress and pain, and is completely unnecessary. It is something that is selfish and cruel.

Any loving parent would be horrified if their child behaved in a way that is socially unacceptable and can cause pain to others.

Who are these people whose parents can never dare make a single comment in their lives or they will be cut out immediately? It’s so bizarre.

If I behaved badly and my DM expressed disappointment it would be from a place of love and hope that I could do and be better than that.

@HamBone - as would mine. And the disappointment would have been keenly felt! She’d have liked to have thought she’d brought me up better than that. OP, I can see why you’re so upset. Welcoming someone into your family like that is a big thing. For your DS to do what he did to her is unforgivable. I’d be ashamed of him too.

Great post - so true.

I’d be disappointed too. There are way too many men who can’t behave decently already. It’s so difficult to raise boys in a fundamentally unpleasant society. I find those telling you it’s none of your business equally unpleasant. Of course it is, if you adopted the ex gf into the family and are suddenly supposed to pretend she never existed.

I can understand your anger at your DS. You feel you raised him better than how he behaved and he treated another person like crap, without regard to their feelings, etc.

Vent here and then, let it go. Getting angry this much later is just bad form and really, he is a grown adult, even if his actions speak differently. The new GF may end up your DIL and the mother of your DGC. Don't burn bridges that cannot be repaired.

If you want him to tell you anything, ask him why he didn't feel able to share it with you when he first realised he wasn't happy in the relationship. If you've got a right to his private life, surely you want to know that.

I disagree given she had a very close relation with his ex and I will be disappointed in my son as well and have a word with him because I hope to raise my son as someone who respects women and commitments he makes to other people. If you want out then discuss and break up, don’t start cheating and hurting your partner.

She can stay close to the ex girlfriend. That's their own relationship. It's her son's sex life that's nothing to do with her.

The feeling of ownership over other people on here is weapon level.

I’m British and I agree

Why is it a ridiculous false equivalence?

What, why is legal, consensual sex not comparable to abuse and drug pushing? That's obvious to any reasonable person.

I've thought a bit more about this.

Your later posts are minimising your initial reaction I feel. In your OP, you were furious, your DH may go ballistic etc. Everything was written in favour of the exGF.

Of course you don't absolutely have to support your DS. But broadly, you should be accepting of him, mistakes & all.

I know you were friendly with exGF. I think the coffee & cake with her was too much & you were both inappropriate discussing DS & his actions.

It's not that it was ok or not disappointing - it was. However, this should be within his scope to tell you - or not. It's really unfair this has been told to you without his knowledge.

As a PP said, all of us have made stupid, hurtful or reckless choices in our 20s, and in most cases could choose to keep them private or to share them

Honestly cheating is terrible but some people go way OTT - I’d rather be cheated on than beaten up FFS I can’t believe the 2 are being compared.

and the OP is not just "expressing disappointment". She's throwing a hissy fit, and ignoring all the posts that do not go her way 😂

@Cath60 You could, ya know, just ask your son his side of the story if you absolutely 100% bursting-out-your-chair have to?

Reading all the comments, I'm quite shocked at the number of PPs saying things like "few people have a clean break between relationships. There's usually some overlap." and suggesting that this behaviour is normal and acceptable. Or minimising it just because the couple haven't got children or got married. They bought a house together! That's a pretty big commitment/ enmeshing of two lives, and makes breaking up far more potentially messy than it would have been if these two young adults had been living independently of each other.
I get why the OP's upset, it can't be nice to realise that you've brought up a son with such crappy moral values.

I don’t think anyone’s condoning it.

But thinking about the people I’ve known in the last 5 years or so who’ve split up from serious relationships- every one of them was in a new fairly serious relationship within a matter of weeks or even days. It’s so so common. Many people won’t let go of one branch until they’ve cling on to another. It’s not right but it’s how it is.

If you think he behaved badly because of the way you raised him, why are you disgusted with him?

I'm not saying he did act like that because of the way you raised him but it would be logical to be disgusted with yourself would it not?

Also, just think how weird it would be if your parents were upset because they thought it was their fault that their child had raised a son who acted so badly…

In ways I understand you, but personally I wouldn't care what my parents thought about my love life.

However good a parent you were, you were not the only influence in his life and you are not responsible for his failings as an adult, any more than you should expect to take credit for his successes.

You are far too over-involved in your son's love life! You need to step back, leave him to it. I appreciate it's not great behaviour from him, but no one knows what goes on behind closed doors. I don't think it's any of his business or your DH's.

Absolutely not ok.