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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Even dh doesn’t care about the risk

308 replies

Themstherules · 12/07/2023 14:30

Hi

I absolutely hate to be that parent but I feel very upset about this.

As is the same every year people share pictures and videos on social media of school events and these inevitably contain other children. It’s done on WhatsApp, snap chat, insta and FB. People think that their socials are private especially Watsapp and snap chat but let’s be honest non of these are secure.

We are told before each event that photo and videos are allowed but must be kept private.

Yesterday someone shared a whole class photo of dc I’m uniform. I reported it and I messaged the school parent group to ask for it to be taken down. The sharer did then remove it.

I feel totally embarrassed but I ended up sharing on the group page why I was asking for this. I said I’m sorry to be a pain but xyz is why I would like it removed. The reasons are very personal and non of the school parent would be aware but I felt it necessary to share my reasons so I didn’t look neurotic and so it really brought it home to people who keep doing this.

I spoke to dh about it last night and although he didn’t say it I get the impression he thinks I’m over the top and being risk averse. He wouldn’t have bothered if it was him who saw it.

I now feel upset that I shared my Children’s personal life story with the school parents, obviously I didn’t go into all the details I just simply stated why. And I feel like maybe I am being that neurotic parent. No one responded to what I said and I now feel judged.

Aibu? Should I apologise to the group? Should I have left the picture up?

OP posts:
LooseInTheCity · 12/07/2023 15:20

I have friends with adopted children who feel the same, and I totally understand.

I think it’s weird to share photos of other peoples children publicly without their express permission, anyway. I would never do it.

booktokbear · 12/07/2023 15:20

Ps Op, I'm sorry you have to live with this fear and rude class parents who don't even bother to reply Flowers

nationallampoons · 12/07/2023 15:22

I understand. I escaped a violent partner years ago and had to constantly battle with people not to put pictures of my dc on social media.

TeenDivided · 12/07/2023 15:22

CamCola · 12/07/2023 15:17

I don’t know. I don’t work at the school. It’s just how it went at my DDs school.

I also don’t think you can tell 29 other parents they can’t record their kids performances either though.

They used to record the performance and sale it for a couple of pounds to raise money for the school

Show quote history

Yes you can. Many schools have a no filming during performances rule.

(If we had needed to, we might have agreed sharing a part so school could record the other performance and DD could still have had a lead role.)

StEtienne93 · 12/07/2023 15:24

PeachesOnTheBeaches · 12/07/2023 14:38

@TheNameIsDickDarlington i just wouldn’t entertain it.

Well aren't you an entitled so-and-so.

fussygalore77 · 12/07/2023 15:24

UrsulaIsMyQueen · 12/07/2023 14:37

Then you’re a twat.

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Totally a twat!

meddysam · 12/07/2023 15:25

My dc are adopted and have had threats to their life. There has been a previous incident a few years ago where a person turned up to school after finding out where they went somehow.

And this is exactly why schools ask for things to be private. Of course you aren't in the wrong.

YeCannaeChangeTheLawsOfPhysics · 12/07/2023 15:25

@CamCola

I also don’t think you can tell 29 other parents they can’t record their kids performances either though

Yes you can. A child's right to safety trumps a parents right to post photos on social media.

Our school has a total ban on parents taking photos and videos.

meddysam · 12/07/2023 15:26

If you’re picky about photos then the onus is on you to make sure your kid isn’t in them.

🙄

meddysam · 12/07/2023 15:27

I’m glad you explained why because, from now on, hopefully they will think twice about sharing photos of other people’s children without permission.

Not the simpletons like @PeachesOnTheBeaches though

Icannot · 12/07/2023 15:27

You haven't done anything wrong OP. I cannot put pictures of my DC online for similar reasons and its shit, the dread I feel before each significant event worrying someone will forget. Or trying to ask for pictures to be removed without having to explain some massively triggering personal information. Sadly some people seek so much validation from social media, I hope people move away from doing this soon and see the dangers of oversharing.

onthefence23 · 12/07/2023 15:28

SBHon · 12/07/2023 14:54

@PeachesOnTheBeaches I feel like you’re digging your heels in because people are calling you out, rather than actually stopping and thinking.

I'm not sure they have the capacity to think lol they seem genuinely really dim, I've met people like that and it's not intention they just honestly really struggle to comprehend anything about anyone else.

Cindan · 12/07/2023 15:28

Jongleterre · 12/07/2023 15:10

If you have a child that absolutely must not have their photo taken them you have to inform the school and make your child aware so that they avoid being photographed. It may mean they have to miss out on some events.

I agree with Peaches that the onus is on the parent of the child that has to be given special treatment.

No, if you want to
post a picture of someone else’s child on Facebook, the onus is on you to ask their parent for permission.

Otherwise, Limit yourself to posting pictures of your own child. Crop the photo or cover faces if you have to.

Lavender14 · 12/07/2023 15:30

SunRainStorm · 12/07/2023 15:08

Yes just make sure your child has their invisibility cloak with them at all times. 🙄

Everyone has a camera in their pocket these days, how on earth do you expect a child to dodge every photo?

Show quote history

It's actually the responsibility of the photographer. I have lots of young people in my youth group who can't have their photos taken. Photos posted to the what's app group include photos only of young people who's parents or guardian has given consent for their photo to be taken. Photos of young people with safeguarding issues are either not taken and we get the young person to act as photographer (they understand why their photo can't be taken anyway) or we get a photo taken of them individually and that's given directly to them or their parent/guardian for their own memories. It's not the child or young persons responsibility. I have to make sure I know who can and cannot be photographed and deal with that sensitively without making a big deal of it. So no invisibility cloak needed thankfully. Photos with the kids in the background can just be deleted and not added to the WhatsApp group.

Willyoujustbequiet · 12/07/2023 15:30

We have to give consent to school every year for photos and social media. On that basis I would presume its fine to share.

meddysam · 12/07/2023 15:30

If you have a child that absolutely must not have their photo taken them you have to inform the school and make your child aware so that they avoid being photographed. It may mean they have to miss out on some events.

Why should a child miss out on a play because an adult can't crop out/blur other dc?

Mysleepisbroken · 12/07/2023 15:31

If it's shared on something like FB, YANBU. If though it was just shared on the class WhatsApp group, I don't really see the issue. Its a class photo which most parents will have anyway, and it's as easy for them to forward the already digitised version as take a photo of their hard copy, if they wanted to share it wider.

meddysam · 12/07/2023 15:31

We have to give consent to school every year for photos and social media. On that basis I would presume its fine to share

How do you know what consent other parents have given @Willyoujustbequiet?

UrsulaIsMyQueen · 12/07/2023 15:32

Jongleterre · 12/07/2023 15:10

If you have a child that absolutely must not have their photo taken them you have to inform the school and make your child aware so that they avoid being photographed. It may mean they have to miss out on some events.

I agree with Peaches that the onus is on the parent of the child that has to be given special treatment.

No. The default should be that no one shares pictures of other peoples children on social media. When we were at school and social media didn’t exist, no parents were harmed by not being able to share photos online.

Kingsparkle · 12/07/2023 15:33

Are you an ‘influencer’ @PeachesOnTheBeaches ?

Swirlingdiscontent · 12/07/2023 15:33

I understand your point totally OP and parents shouldn’t share if told not to. We however had a situation where due to a safety issue similar to yours we could t take ANY photos of one of our dc class at all and I just wasn’t having that. I took them anyway and refused to delete them , I don’t have Facebook or any social media And explained that because whilst I understand the need for safeguarding I felt I also wanted photos of key moments of my dc at school events

meddysam · 12/07/2023 15:34

@PeachesOnTheBeaches is just a saddo trying to be contrary as their life is small so they need any thrill they can get.

Cindan · 12/07/2023 15:34

Willyoujustbequiet · 12/07/2023 15:30

We have to give consent to school every year for photos and social media. On that basis I would presume its fine to share.

Why would you assume that? Consent is requested for photos. Some parents say “yes” and some parents say “no”.

tigger1001 · 12/07/2023 15:34

Willyoujustbequiet · 12/07/2023 15:30

We have to give consent to school every year for photos and social media. On that basis I would presume its fine to share.

It's not ok to share though. You don't have permission from all the other parents. It's really not that hard to grasp that you don't share pictures of other kids without permission and the safest way is to ensure no other kids apart from your own are in the photo or have been blurred.

Icannot · 12/07/2023 15:35

Willyoujustbequiet · 12/07/2023 15:30

We have to give consent to school every year for photos and social media. On that basis I would presume its fine to share.

The OP said, as is the same with my school that photos are allowed but must be kept private. Also it doesn't stop at school, photos are taken at birthday parties ect. Unless I don't allow my DC to attend parties it is hard to police as I'm not always there. Surely the sensible and safe thing to do is to only share pictures of your own DC. Although given my own experiences, I would advise that it is never a good idea to share pictures of children or their person details online.