DD is 9, split with now ExH when she was 2. ExH has her EOWend for 2 nights.
I work 4 days a week but it's full time condensed into 4 days. I also get CB and CM for DD.
I can afford for her to do swimming, Brownies and community choir. But I cannot afford any extras, so no camps for Brownies, no competitions that have to be paid for with Choir etc.
But DD gets to do these things. Generally, because her grandparents on her dads side will pay. She has to earn it by helping them to look after her little cousin or by running into the shop to grab stuff when they walk the dog together (usually a paper, some milk and/or bread).
I never ask them to pay, DD tells them about the competition or camp or Brownies event and how much it costs they then text and ask for the copy of the letter and pay for it directly with Choir and Brownies, I just fill out the forms so she can go (as the person with PR). They generally also give her spending money for tuck shop or gift shop. They’ve also recently paid for DDs Y5 and 6 residential (they go every 2 years but take all of Years 5 and 6) which was over £300. Again I didn’t ask them to.
According to my brother and his wife I should not be asking for any financial support from ExH because he sees DD. I should expect that 4 nights a month is enough of a financial help and close the CMS case especially because I left him – ExH was violent, I had no choice but to leave and I’m glad I did. And I definitely shouldn’t be expecting her grandparents to fund her activities. If I can’t afford for her to do the extras she doesn’t do them. My brother and his wife are childless but said if they had children the financial responsibility is on them and if they split up they would only expect the parent who has them full time to be financially responsible for them as long as the other parent sees the DC. They also pointed out that CB is for the child so thats where extra should come from.
I pointed out I don’t ask them to pay for the extras, it’s not my fault if DD goes and asks them herself. Also our grandparents paid for similar things but according to them its different because our parents where together and could of afforded it without their help (I’m not so sure they could of, my dad worked part time due to illness). But according to them I need to "grow up" and take financial responsibility for my child, stop spoiling her with activities and say no to her sometimes.
I just feel now like I can’t ask anything. They know I don’t pay for it because when DD mentions it they say to me “How are you affording that?” and then DD will reply “It’s ok Granny and Grandpa paid for it”. Now I feel like I have to make DD not mention it when she goes to her dads. DD never demands from what I can tell, it's more of a casual "Brownies are going on a camp, I'd love to go" and grandparents say "How much and when is it?" then text me, they always say "Say no if you want, but can we pay for (DD) to go on Brownie camp in May?"
For added context due to the violence there’s a CAO in place, so ExH sees DD for 2 overnights but has to be supervised by his parents. They do see DD on her own without ExH but if he knows DD is with them he goes round – which is fine I get it. They also have another grandchild (DDs little cousin) and they’ve said when that GC reaches school age they’ll also help out with school trips and hobbies, so it’s not like DD is being favoured.
AIBU? Or do I have to ask DD to stop asking her grandparents and therefore stop her doing competitions and camps?