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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

SIL driving me crazy!

128 replies

cantthink247 · 11/07/2023 19:58

First time posting on Mumsnet. I have absolutely reached my limit and need to rant for a bit. It’s going to be a long one so brace yourselves!

SIL is visiting (she lives abroad) and staying with us. This is the first time she has stayed with us. I had my first baby 3 months ago but he was very premature so technically he is currently like a newborn. We knew SIL had intentions of coming to the UK but didn’t know when as she didn’t confirm. Just kept saying “in June”. When I asked at the end of June, she said in three days time!!! She was staying elsewhere first then came to stay with us last week.

She is driving me crazyyy! I don’t know if it’s just my hormones making me feel like this or if it is indeed her behaviour. Things that have been bothering me:

  • Short notice of arrival - DH coincidentally had some time off while she has been here which I was looking forward to spending together (DH, baby and I) as DH has not had a chunk of time off since baby came home from the hospital. Now this has been spent entertaining SIL.
  • She is eating us out of house and home. She has the appetite of a teenage boy and literally eats everything in sight. I like to keep the snack cupboard stocked up so I have something available if anyone stops by or so that I can just grab something to eat while feeding baby etc and it has almost been depleted. I’m talking half a packet of biscuits, a doughnut and two chocolate bars in one sitting!!
  • Helping herself to everything. I was always brought up that you behave a certain way in other people’s homes and I wouldn’t dream of opening up their cupboards and helping myself to their food! The only place I do this is my parents’ house, not even my brother’s. Today, I found she has eaten a whole packet of chocolate brazil nuts while I’ve been away for the weekend and they weren’t really kept in plain sight so she obviously was looking around. And I saw her eating (and finishing!) some snack fruit and nut packets my mum had left for when she comes to stay. I bought various soft drinks as we are expecting lots of visitors for baby later this week and she has drunk what’s in the fridge and put some more from the box in there to have later! I don’t care about the food or drink but I do find this behaviour very rude. She is behaving as though she is in her own house and not like she is a guest in someone else’s.
  • I ordered the two of us a takeaway and she didn’t ask if she owed any money. I obviously wouldn’t have taken any money off her but she didn’t even ask how much her food was, it was almost like it was a given that I would pay for her.
  • She keeps extending her stay. When DH told me she was coming, initially I was told it would be for a few days. Then she arrived and that few days turned into a week. And now we are looking at ten days. So I keep having to go food shopping to top up due to her aforementioned appetite. I personally think it’s very rude to stay somewhere without telling the host how long you intend to stay for. The length of stay isn’t the issue, it’s that it’s changed so many times and we just have to deal with it. Especially having a small baby at home, I would expect her to be more considerate to the fact we’re both tired and exhausted and in no position to host someone for this long.
  • Had to spend my wedding anniversary at my parents. She wanted to visit my parents while she was here (very nice and good of her) but the only day that worked happened to be our wedding anniversary. We’ve only been married for two years so I still expect to celebrate so I was quite upset when DH said the visit would only work on this day. Probably not her fault but I still feel like she ruined it.
  • Hasn’t offered to go shopping or take us out at all. If I was staying at someone’s house, I’d do a small food shop for essentials and/or take them out for dinner but she has done nothing at all or even offered despite not having to spend a single penny while being here. That being said she has been ordering Amazon parcels everyday and not even bothering to answer the door when they arrive.

I just feel like she has been very inconsiderate and rude as I wouldn’t dream of behaving this way if I were staying at someone’s house. I’m so stressed and I haven’t said anything to my husband yet, I’m waiting for her to leave first.

So is this actually unacceptable behaviour or AIBU??

OP posts:
ChubbyMorticia · 11/07/2023 20:05

I find it incredibly rude, as well as odd to have someone TELL me not only when they were going to stay in my home, but to also keep changing the leave date. You both need to put your foot down and tell her the invasion visit is over.

rookiemere · 11/07/2023 20:11

Call her out on some of the stuff. I wouldn't have been able to stop myself when I discovered the chocolate brazils were missing. On the other things I would ask her not to take food stuff from certain drawers and replace the stuff for your DM.

The anniversary thing - well that seems more down to DH.

Length of stay - "It's been lovely having you to stay SIL, but we don't want to monopolise you, so when are you moving on ?"

FlyingMonkeyNever · 11/07/2023 20:11

This type of thing is why we’d never agree to having guests stay for more than a few nights max, and I wouldn’t have let her stay at all after recently just going through childbirth.
I’d ask her to leave and stay at her parent’s home, but then I’m one of these MNetters who doesn’t answer the door to nightmare relatives that we’re not expecting.

Surely your DH knows she’s a CF? What does your DH shave to say about this?

Wheredowe · 11/07/2023 20:12

She's awful.

Your dp needs to ask her to move on as you've done more than enough.

FlyingMonkeyNever · 11/07/2023 20:13

*have to say about this?

Annaishere · 11/07/2023 20:14

Irritating but I wouldn’t make an issue of it

itsmylife7 · 11/07/2023 20:18

I've voted YABU because you've not said anything to her and you're being a martyr....why ?

Maybe she's thick as mince and needs to be "told " not to eat your snacks etc.

Original poster
cantthink247 · 12/07/2023 01:22

I’ve asked her and DH separately multiple times about her plans and the answer is always “I don’t know yet”. I asked DH again today who asked me why I wanted to know. I was so annoyed that I said that usually an end date is given when someone is staying in your house, it’s not an open ended visit to which I was told I was being out of order hence why I am waiting until after she leaves to talk to him about all of this.

I think he is oblivious to what she has been doing or it just doesn’t bother him. I know when I eventually speak to him he’ll say “why are you getting upset over food” or “it’s just food, we’ll buy more” and not understand it’s the principle.

When she arrived he showed her where everything is with the expectation she would just help herself and not wait for us to offer as I don’t think he wanted to wait on her. He knew I certainly wouldn’t be able to. So while it is partly his fault I still think there is an etiquette when you are a guest in someone’s house.

I can’t confront her about it because it would be rude as she is my guest. I come from a culture where you must be overly hospitable to guests but I feel she is really taking the piss.

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 12/07/2023 01:28

I haven’t said anything to my husband yet

What? Why the hell not? You should have had a serious discussion with him days and days ago. Stop being a doormat.

I can’t confront her about it because it would be rude as she is my guest. I come from a culture where you must be overly hospitable to guests but I feel she is really taking the piss.

You "must" do nothing of the sort. You have every right to speak to her about anything, especially how rude and entitled she's being.

DPotter · 12/07/2023 02:03

Give her a shopping list and send her down to the supermarket. With people like this you have to be forceful and explicit. So as you hand her the list "There you go SIL - you've eaten us out of house and home, now it's your turn the re-stock the cupboards". And when she gets back say you'll be needing the room she's staying in back by Sunday evening.
Remember she's not worried about upsetting you, she has skin the thickness of a rhino, so you have to be upfront & positively forceful!

Do not just sit there, she's trampling all over your boundaries - don't let her!

DPotter · 12/07/2023 02:04

There's a saying - guests are like fish, they go off after 3 days.......

Splishsploshsplash · 12/07/2023 02:43

Stop buying snack food. When she asks where it is say “we’ve run out already? That was meant to last a month!”

MintJulia · 12/07/2023 03:05

Stop putting snack food & drink in the house. Lock it in the boot of your car. If she or your dh comment, say 'gosh, have you gone through a month's worth already! Followed by a long silence.

Or say, I'm busy with new baby. 'Can you do a restock of snacks', and don't offer any money. Don't order takeaway. Serve food she doesn't like. Start to make things uncomfortable for her. Don't change her bedding. Stop putting yourself out for her. She has outstayed her welcome.

DeeCeeCherry · 12/07/2023 03:23

Your Husband showed her where everything was and told her to help herself. Why is she wrong for doing what her brother suggested?

You're in a tizz yet can't even speak to your husband about things. & you could have spoken to her about some things too. Here is the result of not using your voice. Albeit from what you've said it's unlikely your Husband will listen to you anyway, which is another issue in itself

CoachBeardsJane · 12/07/2023 03:33

DeeCeeCherry · 12/07/2023 03:23

Your Husband showed her where everything was and told her to help herself. Why is she wrong for doing what her brother suggested?

You're in a tizz yet can't even speak to your husband about things. & you could have spoken to her about some things too. Here is the result of not using your voice. Albeit from what you've said it's unlikely your Husband will listen to you anyway, which is another issue in itself

Yeah.. this.

Her brother told her where the food was and told her to help herself because 'I'm certainly not able to wait on her'

And now she is helping herself it's the most hideous thing in the world?

Original poster
cantthink247 · 12/07/2023 03:42

So he mainly showed her where we keep the breakfast stuff and the food in the fridge because we batch cook, not really giving a tour of the whole kitchen. Either way you’re right, I should have spoken to him days ago. It’s probably too late now and not worth it because she’ll be leaving soon. I really feel like she has overstepped and my mistake was assuming my husband had the same boundaries as me.

OP posts:
Kitkatcatflap · 12/07/2023 03:43

You don't say how old she is .......is she a student? All snacks and soft drinks and the casual summer plans make her sound young. It is bad timing with a 'premmie' and you are under stress. You should have postponed her visit.

I don't really think you can moan when your DH said showed her the snack cupboard and said help yourself. It may annoy you but she was given permission by her brother. Nor can you blame them for wanting to spend a bit of time together - especially if she lives abroad. All in all, aside from her being a bit greedy and thoughtless - I think she is just getting on your nerves but you should be ranting at your DH for agreeing to it.

Just an aside, are you really the great hostess you think you are? I would expect to provide close family with food, snacks and drinks and wouldn't begrudge them a few biscuits, especially when she is visiting from abroad. I wouldn't have expected to her to pay for a take away that I was providing in lieu of a meal. It's different if a guest offers to buy it or take you out for a meal.

Original poster
cantthink247 · 12/07/2023 03:45

Perhaps it’s more of a personal thing for me because I’m the type of person who even if someone tells me to make myself at home would absolutely not make myself at home. I would respect boundaries, ask before using things and generally try to be a good guest.

OP posts:
Original poster
cantthink247 · 12/07/2023 04:00

She’s 43, not a student by any means.

I think I am a good hostess given the circumstances. Before she arrived, I stocked the house up but was genuinely shocked at how much she ate so what I thought would last until after she left only lasted a few days. And because she kept extending and extending, I would do small shops to replace what was eaten.

What bothers me the most is that she has been eating things kept in cupboards and storage baskets that I really never thought anyone would ever look in so it’s more the fact she has been rifling through those places. I kept a whole basket of various snacks on the kitchen table so she could just eat what she wanted whenever she wanted (and not go through our cupboards) and kept it topped up when I noticed how much she liked to snack but she obviously thought anything we had was fair game eg my mum’s snacks that I purposely did not put out for her because they’re my mum’s.

The takeaway was just because I didn’t feel like eating the food we had at home. I said ‘I am ordering from xyz, would you like anything’ then came a loooong order request. Fine. This didn’t bother me at the time but with everything else I think it’s not very courteous as she hasn’t offered to buy anything while she has been here.

I am very stressed so perhaps it’s not the big deal I am making it out to be. That’s why I posted on here in the first place, for some perspective. I assumed she would be considerate to us having a new baby at home and therefore limit her visit and I also assumed my husband would have set some boundaries when she extended her visit. I guess the lesson is to never assume anything.

OP posts:
ShivWambsgans · 12/07/2023 04:07

cantthink247 · 12/07/2023 03:45

Perhaps it’s more of a personal thing for me because I’m the type of person who even if someone tells me to make myself at home would absolutely not make myself at home. I would respect boundaries, ask before using things and generally try to be a good guest.

See I wouldn’t think of that as good manners, TBH. If my host tells me to help myself I’m not going to bother them with asking about every little thing. Your DH is the host every bit as much as you are. I think you’re being really unfair here. The point of manners is to make others feel comfortable and as far as your SIL knows that’s what she’s doing. If money is tight ask her to chip in but if it’s really just “the principle” I would try to be a little more gracious.

Wildspace · 12/07/2023 04:08

i’d start asking her to do stuff - go to the shops, washing up, making cups of tea, various chores, changing nappies etc. Visiting family we’d go arms full of food and would expect to chip in with all chores etc, there would be a fight over who got to pay for takeaway too.

justaweenamechange · 12/07/2023 04:13

I think she's incredibly rude.

This would drive me nuts.

Especially in the postpartum period, that last thing you have energy for is to keep reinforcing your boundaries in your own home. You should still be being taken care of, not fending off an invasive hisue guest.

Original poster
cantthink247 · 12/07/2023 04:23

Wildspace · 12/07/2023 04:08

i’d start asking her to do stuff - go to the shops, washing up, making cups of tea, various chores, changing nappies etc. Visiting family we’d go arms full of food and would expect to chip in with all chores etc, there would be a fight over who got to pay for takeaway too.

This is what I am used to too growing up in my family. She washed up her plate on the first day but since then her dishes have just been left in the sink.

And I was told by DH before she arrived not to expect her to help with the baby as she isn’t very maternal so I wasn’t expecting nappy changes, more just pick him up and cuddle him if he cries so I can have a quick nap type of thing. She doesn’t have children but lots of nieces and nephews so I thought she at least had some experience with children. I was very wrong! She was too afraid to hold the baby, saying he is too small. Her one saving grace would have been if she could at least have helped even a little bit with the baby.

OP posts:
rookiemere · 12/07/2023 04:40

Oh my goodness I assumed she was early 20s.
I'd be very blunt with her then and ask her to leave. She doesn't seem to be at yours for anyones benefit except her own and her visit has already been far too long.

user1492757084 · 12/07/2023 04:55

In the interest of sustainable future visits, you need to speak ernestly with your SIL.
Tell her it is not okay to get any food from your cupboards or fridge. (milk and butter excluded)
Apologise for not being more instructive and not giving her her own box in which to store her own snacks and her own half shelf in the fridge but you thought she was staying three days.
Ask her to confrim her leave date.

Suggest that SIL goes shopping for ingredients to make a cake, some biscuits, a casserole or lasagne to help out with supplying extra food for the larger family during the days she has left.
Don't let it go without confronting the issues.
Tell your husband that you have spelt out, in better detail, how his sister can behave for the remainder of her visit. Sending her on errands and asking her to cook will give you some time apart from her.

Next time be more proactive in communicating with any guest before they arrive so there is no surprise.