SIL driving me crazy!

[cantthink247]

First time posting on Mumsnet. I have absolutely reached my limit and need to rant for a bit. It’s going to be a long one so brace yourselves!

SIL is visiting (she lives abroad) and staying with us. This is the first time she has stayed with us. I had my first baby 3 months ago but he was very premature so technically he is currently like a newborn. We knew SIL had intentions of coming to the UK but didn’t know when as she didn’t confirm. Just kept saying “in June”. When I asked at the end of June, she said in three days time!!! She was staying elsewhere first then came to stay with us last week.

She is driving me crazyyy! I don’t know if it’s just my hormones making me feel like this or if it is indeed her behaviour. Things that have been bothering me:

• Short notice of arrival - DH coincidentally had some time off while she has been here which I was looking forward to spending together (DH, baby and I) as DH has not had a chunk of time off since baby came home from the hospital. Now this has been spent entertaining SIL.
• She is eating us out of house and home. She has the appetite of a teenage boy and literally eats everything in sight. I like to keep the snack cupboard stocked up so I have something available if anyone stops by or so that I can just grab something to eat while feeding baby etc and it has almost been depleted. I’m talking half a packet of biscuits, a doughnut and two chocolate bars in one sitting!!
• Helping herself to everything. I was always brought up that you behave a certain way in other people’s homes and I wouldn’t dream of opening up their cupboards and helping myself to their food! The only place I do this is my parents’ house, not even my brother’s. Today, I found she has eaten a whole packet of chocolate brazil nuts while I’ve been away for the weekend and they weren’t really kept in plain sight so she obviously was looking around. And I saw her eating (and finishing!) some snack fruit and nut packets my mum had left for when she comes to stay. I bought various soft drinks as we are expecting lots of visitors for baby later this week and she has drunk what’s in the fridge and put some more from the box in there to have later! I don’t care about the food or drink but I do find this behaviour very rude. She is behaving as though she is in her own house and not like she is a guest in someone else’s.
• I ordered the two of us a takeaway and she didn’t ask if she owed any money. I obviously wouldn’t have taken any money off her but she didn’t even ask how much her food was, it was almost like it was a given that I would pay for her.
• She keeps extending her stay. When DH told me she was coming, initially I was told it would be for a few days. Then she arrived and that few days turned into a week. And now we are looking at ten days. So I keep having to go food shopping to top up due to her aforementioned appetite. I personally think it’s very rude to stay somewhere without telling the host how long you intend to stay for. The length of stay isn’t the issue, it’s that it’s changed so many times and we just have to deal with it. Especially having a small baby at home, I would expect her to be more considerate to the fact we’re both tired and exhausted and in no position to host someone for this long.
• Had to spend my wedding anniversary at my parents. She wanted to visit my parents while she was here (very nice and good of her) but the only day that worked happened to be our wedding anniversary. We’ve only been married for two years so I still expect to celebrate so I was quite upset when DH said the visit would only work on this day. Probably not her fault but I still feel like she ruined it.
• Hasn’t offered to go shopping or take us out at all. If I was staying at someone’s house, I’d do a small food shop for essentials and/or take them out for dinner but she has done nothing at all or even offered despite not having to spend a single penny while being here. That being said she has been ordering Amazon parcels everyday and not even bothering to answer the door when they arrive.

I just feel like she has been very inconsiderate and rude as I wouldn’t dream of behaving this way if I were staying at someone’s house. I’m so stressed and I haven’t said anything to my husband yet, I’m waiting for her to leave first.

So is this actually unacceptable behaviour or AIBU??

She's leaving her dirty dishes around for you to deal with?! And you're doormat enough to comply? Tricky about the food, but this is most definitely a good reason to confront her. And if you don't dare do that, at the very least leave them piled up for your "D"H to handle.

Yes, I’ve been leaving them for my husband. And for once he’s not complaining about washing the dishes…

If I'm at my sister's house I treat it almost as my own - help myself from cupboards, use the washing machine/dishwasher etc. I also clean up & do the dishes, and make a pot of tea for everyone. Her husband is happy with this, particularly when I make him some tea.

I wouldn't help myself to whisky or open a box of chocolates, but her kitchen is my kitchen iyswim.

I think if she's made herself at home enough to help herself, she should also be doing dishes etc, and you can just crack on with treating her like family - tell her it's her turn to wash up, say what her contribution to the takeaway is etc.

Family cultural difference I think - she expects to feel st home in her brothers's house and you expect her to feel like a guest. I think to be at your wits' end about a pack of chocolate brazils and some cans of pop suggests you might have lost perspective a bit. Looking in kitchen cupboards is hardly as if she's been rifling through your knicker drawer.

Sending her on errands and asking her to cook will give you some time apart from her

I think this has contributed to the problem in that she hasn’t left the house the entire time she’s been here apart from maybe two short walks with my husband to settle the baby. So I feel like it’s been relentless and I haven’t had a break from her at all. I keep suggesting they go out and telling my husband to take her to various places but she tells him she doesn’t want to go out and she’d rather stay at home.

It sounds awful but if your DH won’t deal with it you have probably left it too late to reset expectations. Tell your DH to ask her when she will be leaving and make it clear that she won’t be coming again for more than a night or two (and not for a long time). DH and I nearly divorced over his mother’s visits so I feel your pain.

@KickAssAngel this sounds like a lovely relationship and surely one cultivated over years? This is her first time staying with us and only the third time I’m seeing her. I met her twice before we got married only for a short time and she didn’t come to the wedding so even though she is family, I don’t really know her. This is why perhaps I feel more like she is a guest. And it’s not like she and my husband are especially close. He’s not seen her for years and they haven’t stayed together in the same house since he was a child.

I’d start giving her chores. You’re dealing with a premature baby, for crying out loud! You shouldn’t have had hosting added to your plate.

Give her a grocery list and send her out. “Please do the dishes while I tend to baby.” Something. ANYTHING.

Betting she’ll be out the door once the maid service ends

Go and stay with your mum. Just leave them to it.

She's awful but I open the cupboards in my families homes and help myself, that's just how some families are

I think you need to sit down with DH and tell him that if she wants to visit, then she is going to have to learn some manners. That means that he is going to have to teach her some basic courtesy. Perhaps things are different where she lives, but when you visit other places, you should always follow their customs. (Or ask about them.)

I'd be leaving everything to your DH - he can sort all the meals and clean up after her and entertain her. I'd just be focusing on looking after the baby.

I would start going to bed early and leaving them to it. "Since I cooked you can wash up SIL." "SIL I'm going to have a nap while baby naps do you mind going out for a hour or two please?" "SIL did you eat xxxx? Do you mind popping to the shop to replace it please,"
Just start being unwelcoming so she gets the hint to leave.

Who stays with someone for 10 days when they've just had a baby?! YANBU

This sounds awful OP. There’s no way I’d want my SIL to stay for an undisclosed period of time when my DS was tiny. That time is precious. And also she’s being so rude! I don’t know how you’ve put up with it. There’s no way I would have! You need to talk to your husband and tell him how you really feel and he needs to tell her the visit is over. This is outrageous behaviour!

Unbelievably, no-one has made the classic Mumsnet remark, so here it is.

You don't have a SIL problem. You have a DH problem.

First you need a concerted effort, together, to get her to go.

Then a proper discussion with DH about why he thought this was OK.

And maybe then an assertiveness course.

Congratulations on the baby!

Sympathy. So much sympathy.

this could be/ has been my inlaws. So oblivious to everything except themselves.
my solution has been multipronged, long term and hard won.

I wont bore you with my elaborate system but ultimately it boils down to this

• advanced planning for everything.
• my DH being more "afraid" of upsetting me than them and understanding if he want "everything to be nice" he needs to actively manage his family
• actively participating myself in managing their behaviour
• go out and do your own thing and go to bed early.

For now
-find tasks /activities / errands for her. At least 1 x per day.

• Act surprised about the drinks and snacks to your DH in her prescence - say they were for guests and send him and her out to replace them. Add bonus snacks to the list and store them in your bedroom.
• get your DH to plan your belated wedding anniversary celebrations for when she is gone.

You need to have words or this will happen next time she visits

Are there cultural differences here? For instance when my sister comes to visit she will make breakfast for herself, can help herself to anything and will do dishes, clean up etc. I don't police what she eats and would expect her to help herself and dh and I make that clear. As a result she would. I would do the exact same at hers. I did say the first time I was going to order a shop of the basics and her dh refused and said they were going to get in stuff they know their nieces and nephews like which they did.

I find this bit of your post quite horrible tbh as I wouldn't dream of judging a family members appetite or have any issues with what you have described. If there is cultutal differences then it is often expected that a brother would take care of his sister and by extension you so for instance my brother would never expect me to pay for a takeaway at his. The difference being that I would still offer though because whilst we come from a culture where brothers are expected to treat their sisters I'm still British and plus I wouldn't want to make him feel like I was untitled or ungrateful.

Some people are reluctant to hold premature babies. When my nephew came home he was tiny. I'd never held a baby that small, didn't have kids myself and was super aware of how worried his parents were about him. It made me feel uncomfortable to hold him for very long as they were always hovering. Could she feel similar? I think it is a shame she has missed out on cuddles but you knew not to expect much on that front sadly.

I think she is unreasonable to have visited so soon after you got home with baby knowing your baby was premature.She should also have told you how long she is staying. I also think she is being unreasonable to be so lazy. If she considers it her home enough to go in cupboards then she should be doing dishes, general tidying or cooking too. It goes both ways. The food thing wouldn't bother me as she's a guest that I would expect to feed, if she got food out of cupboards I wouldn't have an issue. A the end of the day it's just food and can be replaced. I think it's the only area where yabu.

Ultimately your biggest issue is that your dh and you are on different pages when it comes to what is acceptable for guests that are family. I'd set your boundaries much clearer if there is to be a next time and say you are not happy to host an an open-ended visit.

*entitled even.

'no problem sil, but since you're staying here's a list of groceries can you do a shop for us'

When you finish tea, 'come on sil I'll wash, you can dry'

Starting lunch/tea 'here you go sil, chop these for me'

Or 'would you mind babysitting tonight whilst you're here, so me and dh can have a meal out together'

Your husband is rude and so disrespectful of you.

10 days is ridiculous and his attitude is so rude towards you.

She is an awful guest and your husband clearly cares little for you, a new mother.

Pack up and go to your parents and have a long hard think about the selfish man you married.

Having no end date is ridiculous.

Your issue might be manifesting itself in the guise of your SiL but the issue is that her brother, your DH hasn't stepped in and asked her to contribute to buying food/drink, saying that it wasn't possible for her to meet up with your parents as it was your wedding anniversary and you had something planned.

If she is pissing you off, have a word with her or else you'll have this built up resentment and she won't know why she is getting the cold shoulder from you.

I'm guessing that there might be some sort of cultural clash here, apologies if I'm wrong. Something like the big brother extends a welcome and opens his home up and while someone stays with you guys, your home is theirs sort of thing? If not, put a stop to it. You should be able to establish some simple boundaries because even when you're on holidays, food and drink needs to be paid for!

"I can’t confront her about it because it would be rude as she is my guest. I come from a culture where you must be overly hospitable to guests but I feel she is really taking the piss."
No - you really can and you must have a word with her. She is family. You can talk to family. You can say to family "hey, those fruit packets were bought by my mother, you have to replace them" or "would you mind getting up to answer the door to the delivery guys from Amazon? We're not the ones ordering stuff here, you are"

Does this culture that you come from tattoo 'doormat - walk all over me' on you? I'm sorry if that is harsh but really - there is plenty you could do or say to make the situation better for you.

Don't wait till after she leaves to talk to your husband. Tell him now that his sister has overstayed her welcome and this visit has to come to an end by Friday