SIL driving me crazy!

[cantthink247]

First time posting on Mumsnet. I have absolutely reached my limit and need to rant for a bit. It’s going to be a long one so brace yourselves!

SIL is visiting (she lives abroad) and staying with us. This is the first time she has stayed with us. I had my first baby 3 months ago but he was very premature so technically he is currently like a newborn. We knew SIL had intentions of coming to the UK but didn’t know when as she didn’t confirm. Just kept saying “in June”. When I asked at the end of June, she said in three days time!!! She was staying elsewhere first then came to stay with us last week.

She is driving me crazyyy! I don’t know if it’s just my hormones making me feel like this or if it is indeed her behaviour. Things that have been bothering me:

• Short notice of arrival - DH coincidentally had some time off while she has been here which I was looking forward to spending together (DH, baby and I) as DH has not had a chunk of time off since baby came home from the hospital. Now this has been spent entertaining SIL.
• She is eating us out of house and home. She has the appetite of a teenage boy and literally eats everything in sight. I like to keep the snack cupboard stocked up so I have something available if anyone stops by or so that I can just grab something to eat while feeding baby etc and it has almost been depleted. I’m talking half a packet of biscuits, a doughnut and two chocolate bars in one sitting!!
• Helping herself to everything. I was always brought up that you behave a certain way in other people’s homes and I wouldn’t dream of opening up their cupboards and helping myself to their food! The only place I do this is my parents’ house, not even my brother’s. Today, I found she has eaten a whole packet of chocolate brazil nuts while I’ve been away for the weekend and they weren’t really kept in plain sight so she obviously was looking around. And I saw her eating (and finishing!) some snack fruit and nut packets my mum had left for when she comes to stay. I bought various soft drinks as we are expecting lots of visitors for baby later this week and she has drunk what’s in the fridge and put some more from the box in there to have later! I don’t care about the food or drink but I do find this behaviour very rude. She is behaving as though she is in her own house and not like she is a guest in someone else’s.
• I ordered the two of us a takeaway and she didn’t ask if she owed any money. I obviously wouldn’t have taken any money off her but she didn’t even ask how much her food was, it was almost like it was a given that I would pay for her.
• She keeps extending her stay. When DH told me she was coming, initially I was told it would be for a few days. Then she arrived and that few days turned into a week. And now we are looking at ten days. So I keep having to go food shopping to top up due to her aforementioned appetite. I personally think it’s very rude to stay somewhere without telling the host how long you intend to stay for. The length of stay isn’t the issue, it’s that it’s changed so many times and we just have to deal with it. Especially having a small baby at home, I would expect her to be more considerate to the fact we’re both tired and exhausted and in no position to host someone for this long.
• Had to spend my wedding anniversary at my parents. She wanted to visit my parents while she was here (very nice and good of her) but the only day that worked happened to be our wedding anniversary. We’ve only been married for two years so I still expect to celebrate so I was quite upset when DH said the visit would only work on this day. Probably not her fault but I still feel like she ruined it.
• Hasn’t offered to go shopping or take us out at all. If I was staying at someone’s house, I’d do a small food shop for essentials and/or take them out for dinner but she has done nothing at all or even offered despite not having to spend a single penny while being here. That being said she has been ordering Amazon parcels everyday and not even bothering to answer the door when they arrive.

I just feel like she has been very inconsiderate and rude as I wouldn’t dream of behaving this way if I were staying at someone’s house. I’m so stressed and I haven’t said anything to my husband yet, I’m waiting for her to leave first.

So is this actually unacceptable behaviour or AIBU??

I agree. You have to say something. Although I can't understand why it falls on you to teach grown adults basic manners and consideration for a woman who has just had a baby!

I know this situation is upsetting for you but I'm finding it fascinating to read .

I'm actually thinking it could be diabetes because she is heading straight for the snacks and sugary foods and bypassing making a sandwich or something savoury.

I actually went and stayed with my parents over the weekend. My husband was working double shifts so he wouldn’t have been able to help with baby at all during the day or night so he suggested I go and stay with them so I wouldn’t be stressed (but also because this would inevitably stress his sister too). So I did. My parents live a 2 hour drive away so I went off with baby and had a very restful weekend. Anniversary was on Monday so husband and SIL came on the train to see my parents and then we all came back home together. I had to leave the carrycot to be able to fit mine and baby’s things in the boot as my small car was full with just the passengers and car seat.

On the way back I asked her plans for the rest of the week. She listed the people she still needs to visit (she’s flying back home next Monday) but still couldn’t give a date as to when she is leaving.

I took baby to baby class yesterday and my plan was to go back to my parents either yesterday or today to stay until the next baby class next week because I’m getting so stresses and frustrated being in the house, but when I discovered all the missing food and liberties she has taken I was determined not to go and stay until she leaves. Even though I didn’t and don’t plan to confront her I felt like her behaviour would be driving me out of my own house so I am staying defiantly which doesn’t make any sense, I know.

I’ve just had a huge rant to my mum who agrees with me because she is usually the first to tell me I’m in the wrong if I am. I really couldn’t believe my husband’s response when I spoke to him so I just needed to vent my frustrations.

Reading your update @cantthink247 , my advice would be for you to stop buying the treats. That includes when your SiL pisses off home again. Your DH doesn't get the treats either.

Perhaps when either/both of them realise that they were indeed actually treats and not for general consumption, then they might 'get' your point of view.

I'm very disappointed that your DH took the stance that it was fine when it was your family but not when it's his. Where was he when he made that decree? Out at work I'm going to guess so not sharing the house with his sister, right? Not helping you at home doing things around the home either, right?

Sit your SiL down by yourself and say "I've been wondering when you're planning on moving on to visit Auntie X or whoever or going home? You haven't mentioned anything to either Dh or me about where you're planning on visiting next". Have a conversation.

Also your DH is a dick making his wife cry!

I'm glad you have your mum to offload to. It's definitely not you OP, it's them.

Definitely, stop replacing the treats and snacks - if she says anything, say 'sorry those were meant to last the week/month etc... but feel free to go shopping... '.

While you're waiting for your DH to come home from work, put a shopping list together and present it to him as the list of foods/drinks that have to be restocked for other guests and to replace foods that your mum bought and left in your home for her for when she visits.

Send him off to the supermarket to get the stuff.

I should clarify that you should send him off to the supermarket alone to get the stuff because if Sister dearest went with him, she'd probably put stuff in the trolley and expect him to pay for it.

If he goes alone, he'll see the value of the foods that she has eaten and perhaps, just perhaps, when he sees the ££ at the till, he might just 'get' why she shouldn't have eaten all of the foods and not offered to replace them.

Well I definitely wouldn't be buying snacks or drinks or topping anything up until she left. She's greedy and selfish and I wouldn't be putting up with it. I'd buy MYSELF some snacks and hide them away in my room and leave the cupboards empty. If your DH wants to go out and top up then that's up to him. If she has the temerity to question the lack of food say you had got more than enough on your last shop to cover so and so many weeks and if it's all gone it's all gone. She can feel free to go to the shop.

OP, I had a v. prem baby. That period of my lift was by far, the most stressful period of my life. The birth- the worrying about baby, leaving them in the incubator when you go home, starting to feed, the constant weight watching to ensure she grew. Everything.

My husband was by far, my number one support. Driving, helping, cleaning, holding baby while I struggled to feed her, helping with meds. We were utterly exhausted for the 1st 6 months.

It is evident that your OP is not supporting you in the way he should be.

You definitely have a “D”H problem.

I can’t believe you felt that you had to leave your own home with a premature baby, in order to protect your mental health.

And is did your H keep the house clean whilst you stayed at your parents last weekend?

SIL is receiving too many mixed messages from you and her Brother. Put your foot down. Tell them both it’s my house my rules. Your H is out of the house working most of the day and it’s you having to put up with her getting under your feet and eating you out of house and home.

You need to get a backbone and tell DH and SIL they’re both out of order. You tell them what you expect from them, that you’re not running a hotel, and that you will not be run out of your own home.

Don’t buy anymore replacement snacks until after SIL has left. Buy your own snacks and hide them.

This is nothing to do with culture; they’re just plain rude/entitled even. These are the types of boundaries that most people should be taught from childhood.

SIL may be family now through marriage, but you’ve only met her twice (?) before so you don’t really know this lazy woman who is refusing to leave you house.

And your H aware that the situation and how he’s talking to you about this is making you cry?

Pin her down and ask her to give you her leaving date. I’d personally blow my top and tell her to leave ASAP, but I can’t see you doing that.

I’m starting to realise a lot of what I’m feeling is due to the underlying stress of baby. I think I have only recently started to process the traumatic birth and separation from baby while in hospital etc. I feel my husband has not been understanding at all of the effect and impact this has had.

Baby was born 10 weeks early. Emergency c section due to heavy bleeding. This was after a difficult pregnancy with HG. My first pregnancy and first baby. I was not prepared at all. We had one antenatal class then I was admitted to hospital that same night. Baby spent 5 weeks in NICU and we came home when he was still tiny. The few days leading up to hospital discharge my husband wasn’t feeling well. I was staying overnight in the hospital (policy before taking prem baby home) so didn’t see him. We told him to stay away to protect baby and the other babies on the unit. The day of discharge I thought he would come and take us home. He said he was too unwell (felt run down and feverish but never checked temp and was still working). I called my mum in tears and this 70+ year old lady came straight up on the train. Husband eventually turned up at the hospital but wasn’t speaking to me because I ‘didn’t understand’ he was unwell and was being unfair and unreasonable to him. He still thinks he was right. I still haven’t forgiven him for this.

Weight gain has been a stressor and something I constantly think/worry about. I had to stop breastfeeding because baby wasn’t gaining weight so we combo feed with expressed milk and formula. I felt like an utter failure. He didn’t understand. Expressing is exhausting. I feel stuck in a constant cycle of pump, feed, sleep, wash, sterilise. I know I can stop and formula feed exclusively but I feel so so guilty. I feel like while I am producing breast milk I should give it to baby as it will only benefit him. Now my milk supply is decreasing by the day. I am worried and stressing which is not helping. Husband doesn’t understand. Last week I was really unwell with a horrible cold then a blocked milk duct. Milk supply took a massive hit and hasn’t recovered. I think it’s the beginning of the end of my BF journey and I am devastated. I really thought I could carry on for at least 6 months. I feel like an overall failure - I couldn’t carry a baby to term and now can’t feed this baby. All of this makes me really sad and I cry when I sit and think about it. Husband just doesn’t get it or even if he does he is not very sympathetic.

This is all happening in the background plus SIL visit. I think it’s my last straw before total breakdown.

Ah. Your husband is awful. I’m really sorry, OP.

OMG I cannot believe what I am reading.

Your mother had to collect you from hospital with your premie baby because the loser you are married whilst still working, didn't feel well.

I honestly have heard it all.

OP, in your place I would be looking at a permanent move to your parents.

That you felt it best to leave because of his sister staying, and he agreed tells me you really have had a child with a selfish, lazy arsehole.

I think he actually has a personality disorder and you are very vulnerable to being emotionally abused by him.

I think maybe a call to Women's aid would be good.

This is not a good man, husband or father.

He is an arsehole and you describe need to protect yourself and your baby from him.

He certainly is not putting you both first.

He's a real dud.

i think it's normal to have access to the kitchen cupboards and fridge when in a house for an extended stay - isnt it? could a guest stay in someones house for a week and not be allowed to touch the snacks the whole time? seems odd?

however, staying in the house and not giving you a leaving date is very rude in my opinion.

why did your SIL want to visit YOUR parents so badly? not that it isnt nice that she wanted to see them, but its a bit weird? anyway the anniversary thing is 100% your husbands fault and not hers.

takeaway thing wouldnt bother me as a one off.

stop refilling the snack boxes for now and definitely no more takeaways! sounds like shes someone who is happy to take without reciprocation so its time to just do the minimum until she's gone.

your DH doesn't sound very supportive or receptive to your feelings.

omg, OP ive just read your last update. there is a ton more going on here and your SIL is just the straw breaking your proverbial camels back. youve got a big problem with your DH, how can he not be more supportive and understanding of you at this time??

Just sending you big hugs - you’ve got a lot to process from the last few weeks. I’m sorry your husband is a useless idiot.
As others have suggested maybe you could go and spend a bit more time with people that actually care about you (your parents in this case). Just leave your Husband and SIL to manage for themselves for the week. You can reassess when she’s gone.

He does help. He’s not as bad as I’ve made him out to be. He washes bottles, does at least one of the night feeds if he’s not working the next day and gets up with baby in the morning so I can catch up on sleep. But it does feel like he is helping me as opposed to it being a shared responsibility. One thing is that he always asks ‘do you need me to do anything?’ instead of just doing. So he’s seen baby has been unsettled all evening and instead of offering to take him so I can do something else he asks if I need help. It makes me feel bad, like I’m always asking him to do stuff. Maybe I’m being overly sensitive. Like a few nights ago he knew I wanted to take a shower and he wanted one too. I told him I would feed baby so he could shower. I expected we would swap when he was done but he just came out and fell asleep. I was left burping then settling baby which took nearly two hours and I didn’t get my shower as I was so tired by the time baby was asleep.

I’ve made this point to him a number of times before and said some of his actions and behaviour is quite selfish only to be told I’m rude.

I’m amazed that anyone would vote you’re unreasonable. From your first few sentences it is plain that she is extremely rude. And it gets worse from there. She’s 43. Should know better. A young teen knows better.

You have a tiny baby. She’s got nerve with her vague arrival and departure times, plopping down and eating everything, not helping with the baby, making everything about her on your anniversary, not even offering to pay or help as common courtesy, extending the stay indefinitely (I guess as long as you keep replenishing your—her—stash, she is happy as a clam to keep pillaging, the list goes on and on.

Your husband is so out of order allowing his sister to rule your home like this because that’s what she’s doing. Somehow you’ve got to tell her to leave because of her sorry and outrageous behavior.

First, don’t buy anymore delicious food. Only bran flakes and the worst bread and peanut butter you can find. If you can’t lock any of the cupboard doors or kitchen door, then take every appealing snacks, nonperishable items, out and put it in your bedroom, I’m not kidding. No more sodas, no nothing.

Make it really hard for her to stay. By this I mean, put her to work. Tell her you need her help vacuuming and doing dishes as you’re busy and exhausted with the baby. She will leave quick as a flash once you keep her out of the snack drawers and busy with tedious sweaty WORK.

What a bitch she is!

Why do OPs always backtrack when someone calls out their shit husband that they themselves have started a post Complaining about? A previous poster stated he is unsupportive and now you're saying you're too sensitive and he's not that bad?

Women put up with rubbish standards for men, lowering them for everyone.

OP, you poor woman, but your standards and expectations are really low.

He's very selfish.

I twould be appalled if I was your mother and you were my precious daughter.

Your mother has the measure of him no doubt, after his refusing to collect you🙄.

Please protect yourself from him.

You need RL practical support right now. Go and stay with your parents again, at least until your SIL hopefully leaves next week.

When you do return home, organise a Cleaner to clean the house as a one-off (if you don’t usually have a Cleaner), and ask H to make sure he’s done a full/at the very least a basic shop before you return home.

If you haven’t already, try visiting the BF boards on MN for support. It’s hard and BF can be tough. I just about managed to BF for less than a few weeks with our 1st DC, six months with our 2nd (got a blocked duct when I also tried expressing) and similar with our 3rd.

Can you talk to a Midwife/Health Visitor?

Also reach out and talk to other Mums at baby groups, maybe you can help each other.

She's a close family member coming from abroad-I would expect her to make herself at home. What sort of ways are you putting yourself out for her? She doesn't seem to need waiting on!

I don't know what culture you and your husband are from, but I'm white British and he sounds very very rude. And his sister not much better

I would expect to clean my house and get food in. I would expect family to help (but not root through cupboards) with at least clearing up. I would expect an offer of a take-away at least as a Thank You

You have a DH problem

I've read to the end now

You have a MAJOR DH problem