SIL driving me crazy!

[cantthink247]

First time posting on Mumsnet. I have absolutely reached my limit and need to rant for a bit. It’s going to be a long one so brace yourselves!

SIL is visiting (she lives abroad) and staying with us. This is the first time she has stayed with us. I had my first baby 3 months ago but he was very premature so technically he is currently like a newborn. We knew SIL had intentions of coming to the UK but didn’t know when as she didn’t confirm. Just kept saying “in June”. When I asked at the end of June, she said in three days time!!! She was staying elsewhere first then came to stay with us last week.

She is driving me crazyyy! I don’t know if it’s just my hormones making me feel like this or if it is indeed her behaviour. Things that have been bothering me:

• Short notice of arrival - DH coincidentally had some time off while she has been here which I was looking forward to spending together (DH, baby and I) as DH has not had a chunk of time off since baby came home from the hospital. Now this has been spent entertaining SIL.
• She is eating us out of house and home. She has the appetite of a teenage boy and literally eats everything in sight. I like to keep the snack cupboard stocked up so I have something available if anyone stops by or so that I can just grab something to eat while feeding baby etc and it has almost been depleted. I’m talking half a packet of biscuits, a doughnut and two chocolate bars in one sitting!!
• Helping herself to everything. I was always brought up that you behave a certain way in other people’s homes and I wouldn’t dream of opening up their cupboards and helping myself to their food! The only place I do this is my parents’ house, not even my brother’s. Today, I found she has eaten a whole packet of chocolate brazil nuts while I’ve been away for the weekend and they weren’t really kept in plain sight so she obviously was looking around. And I saw her eating (and finishing!) some snack fruit and nut packets my mum had left for when she comes to stay. I bought various soft drinks as we are expecting lots of visitors for baby later this week and she has drunk what’s in the fridge and put some more from the box in there to have later! I don’t care about the food or drink but I do find this behaviour very rude. She is behaving as though she is in her own house and not like she is a guest in someone else’s.
• I ordered the two of us a takeaway and she didn’t ask if she owed any money. I obviously wouldn’t have taken any money off her but she didn’t even ask how much her food was, it was almost like it was a given that I would pay for her.
• She keeps extending her stay. When DH told me she was coming, initially I was told it would be for a few days. Then she arrived and that few days turned into a week. And now we are looking at ten days. So I keep having to go food shopping to top up due to her aforementioned appetite. I personally think it’s very rude to stay somewhere without telling the host how long you intend to stay for. The length of stay isn’t the issue, it’s that it’s changed so many times and we just have to deal with it. Especially having a small baby at home, I would expect her to be more considerate to the fact we’re both tired and exhausted and in no position to host someone for this long.
• Had to spend my wedding anniversary at my parents. She wanted to visit my parents while she was here (very nice and good of her) but the only day that worked happened to be our wedding anniversary. We’ve only been married for two years so I still expect to celebrate so I was quite upset when DH said the visit would only work on this day. Probably not her fault but I still feel like she ruined it.
• Hasn’t offered to go shopping or take us out at all. If I was staying at someone’s house, I’d do a small food shop for essentials and/or take them out for dinner but she has done nothing at all or even offered despite not having to spend a single penny while being here. That being said she has been ordering Amazon parcels everyday and not even bothering to answer the door when they arrive.

I just feel like she has been very inconsiderate and rude as I wouldn’t dream of behaving this way if I were staying at someone’s house. I’m so stressed and I haven’t said anything to my husband yet, I’m waiting for her to leave first.

So is this actually unacceptable behaviour or AIBU??

Yes, I’ve realised this now too. The question is what do I do? I can’t force someone who is so stubborn and selfish to empathise and be considerate. He’s changed so much since we’ve been married.

Your updates are heartbreaking. I'm so sorry. You must be so exhausted with all of this without having to train two grown adults how to be decent human beings. They are both unbelievably selfish.

It's the least of your problems but I've worked out she is eating up to £5 a day in snacks. That is not normal. If she wants to do that then she needs to go shopping and replace them.

The only reason to stay any length of time with a mother of a new born is if you are actually helping her out. Cleaning, doing laundry, cooking, bringing her a snack and a drink!

I really feel for you OP. I think you might be better off at your mums. You have been through a huge trauma and right now you need to hear how amazing you are doing. You don't need to be arguing with your husband over his selfish sister.

I thin your dh and sil are an absolute disgrace

Awful of her to turn up empty handed and to be so greedy

In your place you should go and stay with your parentsvfor an extended period.

Have a think about your future and plan on a life without this selfish loser.

He is not a good decent man and you deserve s much better than him.

Life is too short.

Oh my goodness, you would truly be better off alone.

Because everything he does is just on the better side of completely awful you could waste years with this man, constantly justifying why he's 'not that bad'.

At a bare minimum I think you should go and stay with your parents for an extended period of time. You need and deserve a lot more support than you are receiving.

Have only read your OP and not the others. I can tell this is a Dh problem. I knew before you mentioned the culture bit that this was a cultural thing, just taking a guess, I’m assuming your Dh has always been the way he is but she’s bringing it to the surface. She’s sees her brother’s house as her own and is being territorial, that in one sense she is the guest and refuses to lift a finger and on the other hand, she’s not a guest as it’s her brother’s house. My in laws were like this and Dh would tell them off but they would use emotional blackmail and he’d back down so I had to take over.

OP, I get it. I really do. I was in hospital with baby for months. Honestly, it took me YEARS to process. I had to visit my nephew in Special Care a year later and I had an overwhelming, visceral reaction to the smell of SCBU. We couldn't have anyone in our home for 3 months to keep her healthy.

You thought you would be going home with a healthy baby, in lovely normal clothes you had lovingly bought for your 1st child. Instead, what you got was something like a battle zone- with people intervening to help your child. Difficult medical procedures. Trying to breastfeed and get those first golden drops of milk. Watching other people do things to your baby when you want to be the one to help. A tiny baby who couldn't fit into the clothes you bought.

I'm actually aghast at how you've been treated by your OH and his family. It took me years to process how awful it was. It wasn't anyone's fault, it wasn't fair but it was the most difficult period of my entire life. They don't seem to have taken this on board- you are just supposed to carry on and care for a prem baby and be a well behaved house servant?!

I have read all your updates.

Pack your things and go to your parents. NOW. leave tomorroe first thing.

When she is gone you to need to sit down and talk.
He needs a short sharp shock.

re:guests i am British/Irish and resonate with every point you make about guests and hosting. His family sound ignorant and rude.

I had some issues with my DH when our DD was small but not as serious as this. It took a huge amount for him to wake the fuck up. I basically had a breakdown of sorts. Even when that was happening he was telling me how i didnt understand andwhow hard it was for him and how i am mean / my standards are too high. A year on we are on a MUCH better place but i had to push hard to get him to lean in.

I would struggle to move past the hospital thing. The fact he wants to double down on his dickheadery givese the rage on your behalf.

FIND YOUR ANGER

Separately I would try and access some therapy for you to:
Process the birth
understand how you want your life and marriage to look
get strategies / tactics for how to deal with your husband.

I did and it was INCREDIBLY helpful in righting the course of marriage.

Also my mental health improved dramatically when i stopped breast feeding - i was shocked at how much of a toll it took and it was like a huge weight had been lifted

Oh OP- this sounds awful! She is rude - I can’t think of any cultures where this would be ok. She is taking the piss.

apologies- thought she was the same culture as you.

time to change tak with your husband. I think you put your hospitable nature to one side. Don’t go shopping- leave it to your husband. Make sure she scoffs all your husband’s favourite foods ( and if she doesn’t - make sure you scoff the lot). Take to bed with ‘flu’ - See how he enjoys running round after her. ( and you).

OP @Totalwasteofpaper is absolutely right. Please re read her posts.

I'm also from an Irish British culture. But I married into a different culture and religion. It's in Irish catholic culture that if you are visiting a family member that has had a baby you make yourself extremely useful. You pretty much clean the whole house from top to bottom to show respect for the woman of the household. I know some English middle class women on here see that as offensive.

You always share food and offer food to others. There is something really wrong with your husband and his family.

It's not you love.

I don't know much about other cultures, but I also know that Pakistani culture means you treat the woman who has just given birth so well, making sure she eats well etc

I literally cannot think of a culture where your SIL behaviour is ok.

I really think that your husband's family are a bit messed up. I don't think it's cultural at all.

Just leave your husband to cope with her and you go stay with your mum.

OP, your words about feeling a failure really stood out for me. You are absolutely not a failure - you are doing really well. A premmie baby is so hard and extremely stressful and I’m amazed how you haven’t completely lost your shit at your DH and his SIL. Please go back to your parents and give you and your baby a chance to be in a more peaceful atmosphere.

Thank you all for your advice.

She is leaving today. She booked her ticket yesterday and she’s finally moving on. She asked me for sweet snacks for the first time last night instead of just raiding my kitchen. She ate two penguin bars, a time out and three Tunnocks caramel wafers. These were just yesterday evening’s snacks. I know I’m being so mean but I don’t care.

The bigger issue is I fear my marriage has been irreversibly damaged. Husband is not speaking to me and hasn’t since my confrontation with him yesterday afternoon. I said his sister was rude, inconsiderate and selfish but that ultimately he was at fault for not setting boundaries. He is siding with her. I am not even being given the benefit of the doubt as a new postpartum mother who is processing a lot of trauma. I am genuinely so hurt at how little his consideration is for me.

I never thought I would turn to strangers on the internet for advice but as I am made to feel like I am always being unreasonable with unrealistic expectations, I needed a neutral third party to offer their views. I cannot speak to any family of friends about this as I am ashamed and embarrassed at the state of my marriage after only two years. Of course they will deem my husband a selfish man as you all have, and even though he absolutely doesn’t deserve it, I still find myself wanting to shield him from their judgement.

Please pray for me.

You've got nothing to be ashamed about. Don't take that on.

Rtft

I’m sorry op I know how you are feeling. This will be having a massive effect on your mental health so look out for PND because you have been through so much. Please let your GP or health visitor know so they can help you. I wouldn’t worry about anyone judging him, I’m sure he can handle it otherwise he’d be behaving better.

I'm glad she is leaving OP.
Give yourself some time once she has gone and don't judge your DH too harshly. She is a cheeky so and so and it's hard to react correctly particularly when there are family dynamics involved.

Please don’t hide what’s happened or how you feel from your family and friends. At this very difficult time it’s really important you are supported.

I hid the problems in my first marriage from family and regret this now. When it broke up it was a massive shock to my loved ones and they were so sad that they’d not been there for me.

You have done nothing to feel ashamed of. Quite the reverse. Your ‘D’H can defend and explain his poor behaviour to those who care about you - you don’t need to cover for him.

If you were my daughter and told me everything you’ve said on this thread, I would be heading straight to your house to take care of you.

Firstly, you’ve had an extremely traumatic pregnancy, birth and postpartum, and it sounds as though you need to speak to a health professional who can help you process all of that. Your husband sounds as useful as a chocolate teapot, and you’ve been battling alone.

Secondly, your husband and SIL need telling that they have been taking the absolute piss. How feisty is your mum? Would she advocate for you if she came to visit?

This.

You're kidding, right?

Her 'D'H has been an arse from the beginning.

He is clearly of the 'It's all about me' culture. And sadly the OP is only just finding this out.

OP you have nothing to be ashamed about

Your dh and dsil ooh are selfish and unkind

And your sil is greedy and childish, who eats all that at once, piece of toast in my house or one treat perhaps