To think £45 for a friend’s birthday lunch is a bit much?

[squalifalia]

Friend invited us to her birthday lunch. We live about 90 minutes away. She is probably the only ‘influencer’ I know in real life.

I asked her what the birthday party was, and she just said lunch at 2pm. I didn’t think much more about it, and said we’d come. I assumed it’d be lunch in a pub.

Turns out she had hired a marquee at a posh pub. I got sent the menu to pre-order from. It’s three courses and £45 without drinks. I’ve been to the pub before and it was shite and a pint was over £7. So if I split a bottle of wine or get a glass with a friend, I’ll be looking near £60. Plus I have to pay for my transport there.

It won't be £45 though

It would be £50 with service charge plus of course adding all the extras ordered -sharer starters and wine dnd water for table.

Very hard to refuse and just pay £50 and only drink tap water, without it looking awkward.

It might not be A Thing in your social group, but it is in many others. I'm a little older than you, and the last few years there's been a run of 50th birthdays and silver wedding anniversaries. All have been either parties with buffet provided by the hosts, and a set amount of wine provided on the tables, or meals out, fully paid for by the host. Drinks other than water or table wine tend to need purchasing from the bar. Just because your group don't do it, you can't just decide it's Not A Thing for anyone.

Me neither and I have very varied social groups ranging from top flight professionals to care workers, young people to pensioners.

Everyone I know would think you were being very flash and in danger of setting an unreasonable precedent if you tried to pay for everyone at your birthday meal.

The only exception might be my dad or GPs paying for close family, but even then they'd be annoyed if it was assumed.

If you can't afford it - just say 'I can't afford it but, lets meet up on ???? date for a lunch near to me'

X

I think these stupid 'influencers' live their lives at someone else's expense, you're not a guest, you're a prop in her pathetic life. How many people are simple enough to be 'influenced' by these nonentities?

I get why it seems a bit much but as someone who had recently become a bit of a hermit and did something remarkably similar, even down to the prices recently I'd said go! I had a fantastic time and the private marquee / 3 courses is a really good touch to be there a while and have a proper laugh. If you can afford it do it, its a rarity to get that many people in one place for such a nice event :) I also find with influences yes things get posted online but she's unlikely to record the lot and tbh where they are putting things out to the world for them to see their events tend to be really good! You'll have a great time Op x

I would just go back and say sorry it’s far to expensive for me, hope you have a good day and leave it at that

I would think 45 quid is average and at least you know the cost up front. Just turn the invitation down if you don't want to go.

Stick to soft drinks, ask if you can get a lift from anyone, but if you're not feeling it don't go.

It's rude to invite people to "celebrate" you and then stick them with the bill, yes.

So you're saying that yes, they shouldn't have a birthday meal? You're lovely

Some notes:

1.) No one in real life goes out for a meal with friends for a birthday and pays the whole bill. People pay for themselves. It’s not a wedding.

2.) The OP included the ‘influencer’ detail for no reason other than to attempt to discredit the friend, knowing how much scorn would be shown on here, to swing things her way.

3.) The age-old MN trope: it’s an invitation (not invite), not a summons. No one is required to attend.

4.) The OP has been made aware of the fixed price menu up front. She can make her decision accordingly.

5.) Friend A invites friend B to birthday meal at snazzy place. Is transparent about cost. Friend B starts snarky thread. With friends like B, who needs enemies?

They're question marks not exclamation marks.

I'm sure you'll have a lovely time and it will be worth it

I have been to and hosted birthday dinners where guests do not pay, so it is an exaggeration to say no one in real life does it. Some do. I have also been to bday celebrations where the invite clearly says what the cost per person will be - that's fine too! You also kind of know among your friends who invites and pays and who expects guests to pay for their meals. The op said there was no such information in the invitation when they accepted, that's why it is a dilemma, considering they have to travel there and I imagine buy presents too. If it is not a close friend I can get it is an inconvenience. Like others said: if you like the person and think the event will be fun - go! 45 is not that much for a birthday meal these days! If you can't afford and feel like it is an obligation - politely decline, no need to give the reason!

If we go out for mine or one of my friends birthday we always pay for ourselves. I have different bunches of friends too. It's just an excuse to meet up and go out.

Plus I have to pay for my transport there.

I hardly think you can include that in your list of expense you're not happy with.
Unless a party is walking distance away then everyone has to pay to get to a venue, whether that's your own car, a car share, train etc.

If it's 400 miles away then I would presume it's a close friend or a big Birthday in which case you wouldn't mind pushing the boat out.

Well I wouldn’t pay that much for a normal lunch, but for a birthday lunch I’d expect to go somewhere a bit nicer and pay a bit more.

If this is a lot of money to you, it would be reasonable to be annoyed if you turned up and were presented with a large bill you aren’t expecting. However, you’ve been told in advance what it is - say that, unfortunately, this is more than you were expecting to pay and so will bow out now.

I will say, though, that restaurants are getting expensive and I think £45 for a three course lunch isn’t shocking.

I think expecting people to preorder food is annoying though. It’s a restaurant, they should have enough of the things on their menu for their patrons.

Its totally normal to be asked to pre order for a large group.

Doesn't sound that much to me, but if you think it is just decline, or say so, and offer to come later for just a drink.

Ha ha ha this is my worst nightmare so fake and pathetic

Don’t go then no big deal is it

The influencer thing would turn me off. Blech. Makes me feel it's more about being insta-worthy than really celebrating a friend's special day. Plus that's a lot for lunch, I would only spend that much on an evening meal.