To think £45 for a friend’s birthday lunch is a bit much?

[squalifalia]

Friend invited us to her birthday lunch. We live about 90 minutes away. She is probably the only ‘influencer’ I know in real life.

I asked her what the birthday party was, and she just said lunch at 2pm. I didn’t think much more about it, and said we’d come. I assumed it’d be lunch in a pub.

Turns out she had hired a marquee at a posh pub. I got sent the menu to pre-order from. It’s three courses and £45 without drinks. I’ve been to the pub before and it was shite and a pint was over £7. So if I split a bottle of wine or get a glass with a friend, I’ll be looking near £60. Plus I have to pay for my transport there.

where are you getting that OP would be subsidising her though? That's not specified anywhere.
OP has been sent the menu with the prices on. Friend hasn't asked her to pay any extra above the standard prices to subsidise friend's own meal, in fact she's spent money already to hire the place.
You can't respond based on scenarios you've completely made up in your own head! (I mean, you can but it's weird)

If op does this I bet they just split the bill at the end or, even worse, have to then chip in for the birthday girl too!

I did say I thought it was a reasonable price in another post.

I also said I didn't think people were stealth boasting but you may have.

@mrsm43s I would pay £45.

She didn't invite you, OP. She told you the venue and sent a menu for you to make your choice and pay for it.

I loath these faux invites which are nothing of the sort. If you invite then you host and pay - if you just want a meet up with friends (which is fine) and you do what OP's friend did, it's just a meet up and everybody's paying for themselves.

Some of us do. 🤷‍♀️

Maybe she got the marquee for free if a certain number attend the meal?

I wouldn’t go.

Weird. She invited , the marquee and all, not your regular "let's get together on day X for my birthday dinner, how about place A". I would also 100% assume that was an invite and hence she is hosting/paying. Not at all uncommon to invite your guests and pay for the whole event on your birthday. Guests come with gifts and on top of all pay for their meals?

You know your friend best. I'd happily pay £60+ for a nice meal to celebrate a friend's birthday.

However, I attended one recently where the entire meal turned out to be basically a big photoshoot for everyone's personal pages — nobody was talking much (you couldn't talk about anything personal anyway as it'd be caught on film) and you could offer to pay me £60 and I'd still decline the invite to one of those again.

I agree 😂 never met anyone outside of Mumsnet who does this!

Doesn’t seem to bad to me, but then my friends are paying over £1000 to attend my birthday next year! (It’s a big one, a trip to a place I’ve always wanted to visit and of course no obligation or expectation for anyone to come if they don’t want to/can’t afford to)!

*too 🙄

Tacky, tacky, tacky.

If she's inviting, she should be paying.

not much wrong with having a marquee so you can have a private space for a large group.

and honestly if she’s an influencer so what, she’s your friend?
I think £45 is normal and most of my friend book a private space in restaurants when we celebrate their birthday in restaurant, so it doesn’t disturb everyone else with our cackling and getting up for photos.

if it’s a bit spenny let her know and decline.

If you can afford it, want to go and like the friend then go. If any of the above doesn't apply then don't. Same as any invitation surely.

I'm curious to know, all the people saying 'if she's inviting she should pay'. Does this mean that anyone who isn't wealthy enough to pay for all their friends meals (even a £5.99 carvery) shouldn't have a birthday meal?

None of my friends would be able to ever celebrate then, we're mostly all teachers, nurses etc with small kids!!

Where is the op?
Is this another thread someone doing research?

£45 is fine for 3 courses and yes, it’s not a party so normal to pay your costs at a bday meal - in fact we’d usually pay for the bday person’s food too.
if you don’t like the place, don’t go! Everyone has different tastes.

Don’t go if you can’t afford it. You know the cost already. I’m not sure you need to be snarky about it, it’s entirely your choice.

Exactly, I have never heard of this outside of mumsnet. Organising a party for a special event (e.g. Big birthday) in a local rugby club or a bbq round your house or whatever...yes perhaps you'd expect the host to put on a bit of food but everyone would still pay for their own drinks/bring food to contribute.

Any other meal out no matter what it's celebrating or who does the invite everyone just pays for themselves. As you say, most people can't afford to pay for multiple meals (or theatre, cinema, gig tickets), so the vast majority of people would never do anything at all with friends if this apparently standard etiquette "whoever organises an event pays" was the case.

Surely this depends on how good a friend she is? Do you like her? Do you want to travel and spend £60 to celebrate her birthday with her? Do you think you would enjoy it?? Can you actually afford it?

If not, then just say something has come up and you can no longer attend but wish her a great birthday.

I'd have tested positive for covid 😏

I wouldn't mind paying £45 for a three-course lunch, if it was in a nice place with good food and I thought I'd have a nice time, but I certainly don't think you should feel obliged to go. It's a lot of money to spend on something you feel you won't enjoy, and nobody should feel they have to spend more of their budget than they're comfortable with on something like that.

Obviously everyone has different budgets but also I think everyone has things they're happy to spend more on and things they don't feel are worth it. I don't mind spending money on eating out, but there are loads of other things I'd massively resent spending £45 on, so YANBU to prefer to give the birthday meal a miss.

Agreed. I've literally never been out for a meal for someone's birthday where the person whose birthday it is has paid for everyone, and I'm 47 years old. I don't know why Mumsnet seems to think this is A Thing because it's not!

I wouldn’t expect a free meal either, I’d expect a buffet for free.
I wouldn’t expect to pay if there were extra costs to hiring a room etc though, that would be on person organising. Are those costs part of the food I wonder.