To be done with autism

[stargirl1701]

I'm done with it.

DD1 is autistic. She is nearly 11, diagnosed at 5. We have made numerous adjustments at home. School have made numerous adjustments. All to no avail.

She swore and kicked her little sister yesterday. Immediate consequence no screens for 24 hours and sent to her room. Of course, meltdown. 2 HOURS later after punching and kicking me she complies.

I'm done.

The needs of the many are now coming first. I'm on my sixth anti-depressant, DD2 is terrified in her own home, DH spends his life walking the dog trying to remain calm in the face is extreme provocation.

I'm done. No more. The 3 of us are coming first for the first time in more than a decade. I'm done.

No more empathy. No more trying to understand. Done.

No matter what we do, she has violent meltdowns. She thinks of no-one but herself. Modelling doesn't work. Talking incidents through doesn't work. She won't use any strategy she has been taught to avoid a meltdown.

I'm done. Time to live our lives.

@HumphreyCobblers

Yes. I've left a voicemail with Comm Paeds.

This is one of the most upsetting threads I've read in ages.

You do not get to be "done" with caring for your child.

An ongoing plan to excluding your child from the family, by requiring her to spend all her time in the bedroom while your favoured child spends time with you downstairs, and eating her meals seperately, is emotional abuse, and will be damaging to both children.

If my child was biting me and kicking me I wouldn’t just sit/stand there that much I know - and shielding kids from normality isn’t healthy or enabling them cope in the real world where people won’t make accommodations! She’ll end up going to secondary school believing that is acceptable and it isn’t, she will lash out at the wrong person and come to real harm!

I hate getting into ASD topics on here or anywhere actually but ...

I have two kids with ASD. Possibly all four have ASD. Very possibly i haveASD ( strange that two NT adults have all 4 kids with sen, or is it?) It's OK to not be over the moon about it or struggle to cope, but we are conditioned to want to say its a blessing.

My dd has pda traits. She has choices. Both choice is to do the thing I need her too.

Do you want to Go and get ready for forest school
Or do you want to sit and do circle time then get ready for forest school.

Takes away a bit of anxiety and gives a bit of power back to dd.

kids with ASD grow into adults with ASD.

There is a valid train of thought that giving these kids tools to cope in the adult world might benefit them in the longer term. Rather then removing all demands all the time. Then you get into refusal and let me tell you that eg school refusal is a fresh hell. Because the school and LA will come after you and they will never give a shiney shit about how painful, uncomfortable and distressing fines and prison are for parents. Even if you have ASD as an adult because adult life comes with rigid rules called law.

Preparing children for the realities of adulthood isn't nessaryly always the bad option. I know plenty of ASD children who have zero demands but they tend to then live outside of society and don't attend school. Their parents are also saints with limitless limits. Some of us aren't and just trying to exist with some semblance of MH left.

There isn't a wrong or right way to do this and it's import to challenge black and white thinking.

I think it's done me great (apart from witnessing DV and drug addiction in both my parents)

Who also liked hitting and laughing at you. Funny, that.

Have you spoken to Enquire? They provide a similar service to what IPSEA and SOSSEN offer in England.

Do look at pursuing a CSP.

Medication wise, as well as ones to aid anxiety and sleep, in a minority of situations some DC take risperidone or similar. Obviously it isn’t for everyone and isn’t offered to most DC, but it can help in a minority of situations.

@moodypromises

She's passionate, fair, determined, observant, artistic, full of empathy for animals...she'll be an amazing adult.

I hope the op isn’t just putting one child in the room all the time

op?

And I think that's why you have to be cruel to be kind so these qualities will flourish and not the negative traits of autism

@Longtimelutker2019

She's not going to secondary school which you would know IF you had read the thread.

How are you getting on with the document I asked you to read?

Try this one after that:

https://www.mygov.scot/smacking-children

@StefanosHill

Have you read the 800 odd posts before yours?

Well if it’s any help at all, I have found the following the most helpful:

• throw everything at the aggressive behaviour, priority number one. Everything else can take a back seat. It’s tough, but I have found there are not quick and easy solutions.
• by the above, that means lowering expectations and stress around your DD. What really matters? I mean really? Basic health needs, eating, sleeping, drinking. Don’t put anymore stress on than this.
• same for yourself. It takes a lot of energy to turn around aggression once it’s ‘set’ and there is a backlash for a while. So find as much energy as you possibly can, reduce your own demands and stress. Nurture yourself.
• As others have said, look into every single possible cause. Triggers are real, these meltdowns wont’ come out of nowhere. They will be a build up, they will be trying to avoid something, or a sensory overload or a combination.
• What happens when a meltdown starts? Do you back off, ensure safety, don’t talk. Or do you try and intervene and placate? Usually no talking, lots of space, at those ‘I’m gonna blow’ before signs can really head it off.
• Be really clear with DD that aggression is a NO. Most other things should be a ‘yes’ in her life if possible. But aggression? No. So this is very clear. For me and my kids the clarity between how I react - which is a very, very firm ‘no aggression’ - and I say that with my voice at the time that I wouldn’t respond in any other situation. And later, when they are calm, I’d reiterate this. And the next day I’d also say again.

Sure. So how long will your child be in their room?

Outside the activities she does. When she’s at home for example

Have either of you bothered to read ops posts ?

I completely agree with you, op, in everything you've said. You deserve a bloody medal

Nephew is like your daughter and he rules the roost to the detriment of three other people

It's a disservice to the child

Yes.

How many hours per day in the room v out?

regardless she’ll need to mix with normal kids in society at some stage won’t she - what do you do when she hits/bites you? My natural instinct would be to hit back and send a message of “that’s what happens when you do that” - sure she’s be less inclined to do it again, softly softly clearly isn’t working!

This is one of the most upsetting threads I've read in ages.

^

Really????

Sheltered life then

Don't be a twat

Thank you for standing your ground against the pro hitters.

Which LA do you actually live im OP? People
Keep saying living in the rural highlands is the problem... but then you talk about surf school in Dunbar and fencing camp..

I'm only asking because I am an ASN teacher in a special school so if you are close to me I might have contacts to help you.

:-) I watch it every Xmas! Usually alone as my kids won’t watch it. Boo hiss!

I just want to say that I've absolutely been where you are.

However, she's nearly 15 now, and it is getting easier as she matures. Still not easy....but please have some hope that it can improve.

Taking her out of school was the game changer. It took at least 6 months to see the effect though. And probably over a year for her to be somewhat easier overall.

@moodypromises I wasn't allowed to melt down because I knew I'd get smacked.

I think it's done me great (apart from witnessing DV and drug addiction in both my parents)
I'm a fully functioning adult and get on with life.

I was subjected to similar physical abuse for my "tantrums" and ended up suicidal, self-harming, still on antidepressants decades later. Your anecdote indicates that you, as one person, are very resilient and also capable somehow of learning "the rules" of neurotypical life well enough to cope. Many autistic people are not so lucky.

Hi OP as a parent of two children with ASD (one PDA) and having grown up with an older brother with ASD my heart goes out to you. I was also a teacher but now I home educate my children. I also relate to the sibling welfare concerns. I have read every single one of your posts with a growing sense of absolute heartbreak for your family and admiration for your uttermost dedication to providing the best opportunities to thrive for both of your children. In an impossible situation. Ignore the haters. I absolutely see where you are coming from. You are all at rock bottom. I hope you can find some of the tips in the thread helpful. Good luck and you are in my thoughts x