To be done with autism

[stargirl1701]

I'm done with it.

DD1 is autistic. She is nearly 11, diagnosed at 5. We have made numerous adjustments at home. School have made numerous adjustments. All to no avail.

She swore and kicked her little sister yesterday. Immediate consequence no screens for 24 hours and sent to her room. Of course, meltdown. 2 HOURS later after punching and kicking me she complies.

I'm done.

The needs of the many are now coming first. I'm on my sixth anti-depressant, DD2 is terrified in her own home, DH spends his life walking the dog trying to remain calm in the face is extreme provocation.

I'm done. No more. The 3 of us are coming first for the first time in more than a decade. I'm done.

No more empathy. No more trying to understand. Done.

No matter what we do, she has violent meltdowns. She thinks of no-one but herself. Modelling doesn't work. Talking incidents through doesn't work. She won't use any strategy she has been taught to avoid a meltdown.

I'm done. Time to live our lives.

@Folioh

No, I think she would feel utterly rejected if we did that.

I can relate and I am going to go against the grain a bit. My DD was autistic and had ADHD, we all bent over backwards for her, throughout her childhood - things went badly wrong for her in her teens. I wish I had put in more boundaries for her, but I would say there must be a balance? if you are too strict it will send her the other way, she will just become more angry and it could lead her to lose faith in family life.
I don't envy you.

@Elisheva

She takes a daily multivitamin. It's two 'sweetie' like gummies at her age.

Where do you suggest ?
I would love to.know where all these lovely residential places are that you can just book your disabled child into🙄

What. The. Fuck.

I think people think low demand means no boundaries. It’s very possible to have very low demand parenting whilst upholding boundaries and also teaching your child to have them too.

@Messyhair321

Balance will be the key. The devil is always in the detail.

I just don’t think it’s true that no matter what we do she just has violent meltdowns - it’s always always a communication, usually of not being able to cope.

Your autistic daughter is not coping.

You are not coping.

So I don’t blame you for not coping, but in the same way do not blame your daughter for also not coping. Her meltdowns are her being at the end of her tether, the same way that you are at the end of your tether.

That is not to say you ‘let it happen’, to either yourself or your DD. But when you are less exhausted you do need to regroup, as the adult, and not see your DD as being bad. She’s autistic, not bad.

@truthhurts23

I think you are right. Might try photos of her 'doing' the strategies and use that as a 'menu'. It's catching the right moment. Once the scale tips, there's no getting it back.

My daughter goes to it. Limpsfield Grange. Incredible school. Has does wonders fir my daughter. Sadly the only school in the country for Girls with Autism.

Glad you've managed to get some help from this thread Op, you have my total sympathies, from one parent with a child with autism to another.

Thanks @AdditionalCharacter

No, but it would teach her that if she hits people they hit back - welcome to the real world….

I don’t mean beat her ffs but if she lashes out at someone outside your family then reality is they will likely hit back!

@dottieautie I can say with confidence puberty is fucking horrific for autistic girls

Oh gods yes. Suddenly these things sprout on your chest and you grow itchy hair in new places and you start bleeding at apparently random times and men start leering and cat calling when you are in school uniform FFS the pervy paedos and you have to start wearing these uncomfortable harness contraptions to stop your breasts from bouncing and boys twang the straps. And that's before curiosity about your body (they actually said so, wanted to know what my pubic hair felt like) motivates boys into sexually assaulting you.

And because you are autistic, the combination of your body changing out of your control and you not having the social skills to navigate suddenly becoming a sex object and the unwanted attention that this brings makes this perfect firestorm of big nasty feelings: self-hate because your body won't stay the way you were happy with, and a desire to stay the hell away from men and boys for your own safety and comfort but you are not allowed to stay away from them. Your body has gone completely out of control and you are not allowed to manage your social environment to cope with the worst social aspects of it.

Autistic female puberty is outright traumatic. OP, your DD1 is at about the right age for that now. This might be a contributory factor to her meltdowns.

@Longtimelutker2019 you can’t be telling people to hit a child, let alone an autistic child.

@PimmsandCucumbers

I don't think she is bad. I don't think she chooses a meltdown. I think she is in a habit of releasing those intense emotions on DH and I.

She's 11. She needs to start making new habits to deal. I'm done with this as an outlet.

Hi Stargirl (and hail a fellow Trekkie I think?)

I have RTFT and taken notes as some of the things you’ve described are similar to what I’ve been going through with my son. I don’t have any advice to offer but just wanted to say I can see you are going through hell. If I knew you in real life I would give you a hug and make you a huge cup of tea but since I don’t, hang in there love, you are the best judge of what’s going to work for your family, you may be sick to death of having to be amazing but at least you are, and don’t let anyone convince you otherwise. Feel free to DM me if I can help at all.

@Longtimelutker2019

Please take a look at the Rights of the Child.

https://www.unicef.org.uk/wp-content/uploads/2010/05/UNCRCunitednationsconventionontherightsofthe_child.pdff*

Come back to this thread when you have read it.

You keep saying you are done, but not really offering an alternative solution... sounds as if she should be in residential care, you're clearly not coping.

@Thewolvesarerunningagain

Thank you ❤️ Yes, Trekkie and a great fan of The Box of Delights!

@stargirl1701 Yes I agree I think aggression can become a habit and it’s really tough to turn around. But if you see it as not coping, it’s a lot easier to find good ways to help her turn it around. And that includes being clear that aggression is not a line to be crossed - if she has the concepts to understand that.

My autistic ds takes a low dose of propanolol/beta blockers. Meltdowns and aggressive outbursts were greatly reduced.

Before I got diagnosed as a adult as autistic I remember my childhood. Being laughed at for being weird by my parents. I had odd ways which were clearly autistic but wasn't indulged. I wasn't allowed to melt down because I knew I'd get smacked.

Obvs this is 25 years ago when I started showing signs when I was 5. Obvs it was never acknowledged and I just got treated as anyone else.

I think it's done me great (apart from witnessing DV and drug addiction in both my parents)

I'm a fully functioning adult and get on with life.

My sister however is 18 and my mum let her do whatever for a easy life for past 10 years. My sister has many mental health issues and I can't see her ever leading a normal life.

I think you got to do what feels best and put everyone else first.

@oldblighty27

Which residential setting is your Scottish autistic child in? I'm interested to hear your journey.

Exactly this. I think some people think because something works/doesn't work for their child that applies to every child with the same diagnosis. It doesn't work like that.