Am I too selfish wanting to restart my entire life and forget about the family I made and have?

[Justhereandthere]

I'm in a tricky relationship with my husband of 14 years. (Got married at 17 and wasn't by choice). We have 3 children (10m 5f(twins) )

Things aren't looking good and we just can't get along. I cant break up with him I won't cope alone with the twins. For now he helps clean the house he takes the children to school while I work as a teacher.

Iv been really down and depressed and there really isn't a way out ( I have thought of all the possibilities) I'm now tempted to leave my husband and children and start fresh. Move out of London start a new job and restart my life. I know its selfish but I can't live like this. I know it makes me a horrible mum but I have been happy for years. I just want to be free. Am I a monster? And has anyone ever actually left and started their life again?

In case you missed this - please, please contact this organisation. They are so lovely, and non judgemental, and they have more experience in your particular situation than any other organisation there is.

You haven’t really explained why you have decided not to sign for his visa? Might it be simpler to sign to allow him to stay in the country and then split but allow him access?

You are an incredible woman. What strength you have had to survive such abuse and pursue your own education, career and financial independence within your 'marriage'.

Your children are obviously well cared for and are thriving. You have definitely been an amazing parent to them. And despite your husband's behaviour to you, he is at least a caring parent to them.

The real questions here are whether you would feel safe leaving your children with their father, and whether you would feel safe leaving this marriage. Would there be recriminations from your family, or from him? Would he use the children as a weapon against you? Do you worry he would take them abroad, or do them harm, to punish you for divorcing him?

If the answer to any of those questions is yes, then you can contact the police's forced marriage unit for help.

If you do think it would be safe to split and to share custody of the children, then this would enable you to have some independence and share the load of parenting while also giving you some time to yourself.

To be honest you do sound like you love and care for your children. It just seems you're ground down by your circumstances. There will be a way forward, and you don't necessarily have to leave your children to move forward into a positive future. Please do make contact with one of the organisations people have linked to on this thread - the people working at these charities will have heard all of this before and will be able to give you advice and support that is culturally informed. I think you really need to talk to someone who gets it and who can guide you through the options open to you.

Sorry you're feeling so shit OP. Five year old twins sounds very hard!

It sounds like you have a lot of material wealth and are a successful professional but that isn't keeping you happy? Perhaps you have other ambitions or values you want to live by but you have been following a path determined for you by your husband, parents and societal expectations?

Can you imagine a Life without you husband where you may be happier? For example, you could just cook and clean for your own standards and not worry about pleasing your husband too?

Seems like a waste of life to live it as you are.

To be honest, it sounds like you are desperately unhappy with your situation rather than actually wanting to leave amd start again. Are you very stressed day to day? Can you use the money you have in the bank to pay for a childminder or nanny? Regular slots - even twice a week?

You are educated, have choices and money and can change your life. It doesn't Have to be this way. I'm not saying it will be easy to make changes, you may even lose your family, but it may leave you feeling more fulfilled and content.

He’s done that to fuck with your head and stop you leaving. It’s not a true indication of how your children feel or what’s best for them. Children always- I mean always- want the status quo, even when the status quo is massively harmful.

Don't sign the visa form. Declare to immigration control that this was a forced marriage made for visa purposes and you have finally found the courage to assert your right to freedom. It's important to make that declaration so that he doesn't find a way to just forge your signature.

Let him leave, that's fine, you don't need him. You have the strength to be all the parents your children need.

You can't rewind the clock and you can't blame your 17 year old self for not having the courage that you have now. The forced marriage was a wrong done to you, but being a survivor rather than a victim includes building your future in acknowledgement and acceptance of your history, not trying to erase the past trauma and trying to live the life that might-have-been. Those 14 years of being used were real, they happened, and they are now over because you have found your voice - be proud of that. Your children are innocent of the wrongs done to you and certainly shouldn't be left with this man who is happy to use other people for his own benefit - there is no amount of otherwise decent behaviour that makes up for that fundamentally abusive action of taking you as a forced bride, he is not capable of being a genuinely good father as he has no moral compass.

Particularly since even if you separate, if he has been here for 9 years and there are 3 British kids, he may well be able to make an application on the basis of being a parent even if you don't sign for him being a partner. You really need specialist advice from someone who knows about family law, immigration law , forced marriage and onward repercussions and the only organisation in the UK which I know of that can do that is Southall Black Sisters.

Why is @Anon891 able to make such horrible remarks to the OP. They are clearly doing it for attention and to make themselves feel better. Can MNHQ ban them from this thread? As the OP is a victim of rape and abuse it could be very harmful. You should be ashamed of yourself @Anon891

If you're a citizen then surely your husband has indefinite leave to remain by now?

The usual spouse visa process is as follows:

• Fiance visa (valid for 6 months)
• Get married
• Further leave to remain (valid 2.5 years)
• Further leave to remain again (valid another 2.5 years)
• Inefinite leave to remain (permanent residency)
• Citizenship (can be applied for at same time as indefinite leave to remain)

Is his residency based on work visas rather than spousal visas?

@Justhereandthere the fact that he’s emotionally manipulating the kids means they will likely be better off with you. Even if they don’t realise it now. A man who repeatedly rapes a teenager in a forced marriage is not a good father. You have somehow managed to survive and more. You are clearly a good teacher. You sound like you would benefit from objective support to think through your options. I’m sorry you have not been supported and systems and your family failed to protect you before now.

Another thing to consider if you leave your daughter's with him - will be force them into arranged marriages with much older men? Of course your children would be better off with you than with a rapist.

It's more simple than that. It's because he said it.

They're kids, they didn't very quickly weigh up all the pros and cons and choose him. They just had a shock and reacted to it.

The fact he said that to them shows he is not a good dad.

And you don't need us to tell you he's not a good man.

Don't sign, let him leave, use your savings for after school clubs and other child care. You'll get through it.

You are clearly a really strong person OP. You’ve done exceedingly well especially given your circumstances. I have every faith you can be a single mum (and a bloody good one!) if he leaves. You have coped with much worse and I can imagine a weight/dark cloud would be lifted once he was gone. I wish my mum had had the guts to leave my father to protect me from his behaviour as a child - but I still would have cried at the time if had told me my mum was making him leave.

That being said, you do need to make the right decision for yourself as well as the children. Would the children be well cared for if you were to leave? I know my dad would have been pretty useless and, while we’d have been fed etc, we would have had a pretty miserable childhood. If you are confident they’d be well looked after then I could understand your desire to leave without them more fully.

I agree with a PP who said don’t make any rash decisions and perhaps speaking to your GP would be a good first move. I presume you’re about to get the summer holidays off work as a teacher so hopefully you’ll have some space to breathe and make a plan. Have you considered contacting a charity/help line for women in your situation? (Google gave me this list but I am not experienced in this area: https://www.victimsupport.org.uk/you-co/types-crime/abusive-relationships/forced-marriage/)

You have what sounds like a secure job, a secure tenancy, strong savings. You are in a very good position to give single parenthood a bloody good go. As I said, you are an amazingly strong woman and you deserve to be happy. Please just take the time to get advice and proceed in the best way for yourself and the children before you make any changes. But also.. don’t lose this fire that’s made you want to refuse to sign. Keep plotting away and don’t settle for a life where you are so unhappy. You CAN make a better life for yourself (and children).

It sounds like you have gone through a really tough time and experienced things no one should. You have a right to be happy in your life. Please think carefully how you move forward though. My mum left when I was a young child. I’ll never get over it I don’t think and have suffered the effects in multiple ways still to this day. Being left by your parent is life changing

This is such an important point.

He manipulated the kids into crying for him op.

You are far and away the better parent.

First things first, your husband is a rapist and abusive. Don't sign a visa for him. Get him gone.

Once he's left, see how you go with the kids. You have suffered such immense trauma. Maybe the kids could go into temporary foster care while you work out what you want.

One thing I'm absolutely sure of is that this man has to go and you have to get the chance to live a life you have chosen, not had forced upon you.

Me not signing is not because I don't want him to remain in the country. He will find his own way, he has been here since he was 17 and he is now 42 and he has 3 children. He will one way or another remain here but punish me by not seeing them because he knows I'd find it difficult.

I do and would reach out to these companies but I guess iv lost faith in the system. After I had my son I had PND. My doctors (more than 1) knew he was forcing me for sex and they were the ones who knew my parents were forcing me to get married (before I got married I reached out). Even then they didn't give 2 hoots about me stuck in a forced marriage.

In 2018-2020 I had post natal psychosis. I had intense therapy, medicine, home treatment treat and even then they all knew I was in a forced marriage and he used to rape me ( which did stop after 3 years of being married). And even then they didn't care about the marriage they just wanted to fix my mind.

Bottom line is, these people in authority make out they "care" etc but not really. That in itself was my real motivation to be a teacher so I don't let children down. But on the contrary, my life has become so tough and hard I'm almost willing yo let my own down.

You should not let the incident today get inside your head. Your children don’t know him as a rapist and abuser, they just love and accept him as their dad because that’s all they know. BUT he did rape and abuse you and you shouldn’t need to have him in your life. He is being manipulative and using the kids to try and force you into signing for him. Your children cannot be better off with a dad who thinks it’s okay to rape and be violent to his wife. How can he be a good example to his son or protect his daughters from a similar fate to yours? Even if he has realised and changed, he can’t erase the past and you can’t live with it in your present. It really won’t be for the best for the kids to go away with him. He’s already taken so much from you don’t let him take them too.

You are strong, and even though you think it will be hard to cope on your own with the kids, you might find not having to be around him is much easier.

I'm sorry you are in this situation and that nobody helped you at any stage.

You do sound incredibly strong if you and independent if you don't mind me saying.

I wondering if some of your thinking is related to the fact your life, until this point, has been controlled and determined by everyone but you, in terms of the larger aspects - where you live, when you got married, the sexual abuse and control. You've never had freedom so it's understandable the you crave it. Despite that you've got the education, job, savings, driving etc. You clearly could manage on your own and have done already in every way but on a surface level.

He's manipulated the situation. Made you think that the children won't cope without him. It's another form of controlling you. They will manage and certainly when they are older they'll understand why you left him or why you needed him to leave.

I think you would do well to contact some of the agencies mentioned. You will then have a connection with women who have been in your situation and undoubtedly felt like you do at dome stage. Their experiences and support may help you see what's possible and how.

I hope that you soon get to live the control free life you should have always had.

@Laurelin's point would terrify me. I don't think your girls would be safe without you.

A friend once told me she wanted to abandon her daughter to pursue an affair with a man who had grown up kids but who want to take on a younger child.

I told her she was brave. I meant she was a twat.

'he raped me alot when I was much younger'
'He hasn't hit me in over 8 years now'
Such a gentleman.

I'd worry about a man like this being left with kids, especially girls; if he treated you like that, what might he do when they're 17?

'I'm just worried I won't cope...' Maybe you doubt yourself because half your energy probably goes into navigating the appalling hurt you've endured and the ongoing daily misery of facing a rapist - AKA husband - that you never wanted to marry?

You sound like an incredible young woman, and amazingly strong. From what little it's possible to communicate on a forum like this, it seems the real question isn't whether you'd cope (bet you'd cope admirably) but -

(1) whether you really want to leave your kids(??), or
(2) are just at the end of your rope with him - in which case
(3) do you keep him in the picture (visa - but knowing he's capable of rape and violance) or release him into the wild (no visa)... setting yourself and your kids free in the process?

If it's (2) and (3) would he try and take the kids? Get legal advice asap.

You sound like an amazing woman, strong and driven. You will be fine as a single parent.

I'm a single parent, and it is hard. But it's not as hard as being in a marriage you don't want.

You don't have to leave, let him go. He can reap what he has sown. He made a choice to treat you badly, and now he can leave.

Keep the kids passports safe, get the legal stuff sorted do he can't take the children.

This is my first post here, I tend to lurk. I couldn't not reply. Being from a similar background and seen a similar story to yours first hand I thought I should comment.
Children are scared of change, that's all. It doesn't mean that they don't love you, just that they are scared. Also, if you leave there is a good chance you may lose everyone, including your children, there may not be a way back. They could poison their mind's. It is often all or nothing, black and white. They will say you bought shame to your family, husband and children.. However if it is what you want.. I was stating, worse case scenario. Could you cut ties 100% if you had to?
Do you have any friends outside the community you could look to for support? Perhaps look into networks for South Asian women fleeing sexual violence and domestic violence. I know you said that was in the past but it happened, have you had therapy?
Try not to rush into anything.. Weigh up all your options and the possible risks and consequences.. But please remember, you are a strong woman and you have overcome so much.. Don't let anyone tell you otherwise..
I hope things improve for you and I am sorry all those people failed you..

I would call those places mentioned and at least talk to them. You're older and wiser and are more able to discern real help from just talk.

Don't pay any attention to how you children responded. they're just little kids and your H did that to scare them and it did and that's why they responded like they did. It doesn't mean they really mean it. They're just scared little kids.

He's not a good dad or husband. He's manipulative and cruel.

I have a feeling that once you are away from this creep, you'll feel better about a lot of things.