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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

It's not going to work is it? WFH/ DD

126 replies

Showthemwhoyoucalldaddy · 10/07/2023 17:29

Posted about this issue before new job.
I've recently changed jobs due to my dd's school refusal. She is on the waiting list for ASD, ADHD and generally doesn't like school. She has always had meltdowns during transitions and leaving me. It's never been without drama for any length of time.

I have had six months of it being really bad, three days of refusing to go in at all. Lots of times where it has taken an hour or so to get her in. Work were patient to begin with but towards the end I became utterly unreliable. I sort of knew what would end up happening and so I went for a WFH job in something less interesting to me, but because it seemed a bit more flexible.
Today was my first day and my dd ended up completely refusing to go in. I was late to log onto a meeting Blush they then heard her in the background once (too late to mute) it was mortifying.
This is the first day.
I just know that my dd will keep refusing to go in as she knows I'm now at home. She has no understanding of it being impossible to work with her at home, as well as probably against a million policies. It's also not fair on her. I refuse to let her play or watch television but she also can't learn independently due to her concentration and learning needs. I spent half the term redirecting her. At one point she just lead on the floor stimming. I think she is having full on autistic burn out, aged just 7.
And if anyone tells me to just put her in school, she screams, runs and headbands. School will not physically restrain her and I can't manhandle her into the classroom even if I wanted to. Punishments don't work. She was going to get a reward of a fairly big toy if she had five days of smooth drop offs but she likes sabotaging it and saying that she doesn't deserve the toy. She feels like letting me down is better for her anxiety than having to feel on edge about whether she's being good enough.

I'm just at a loss and school are crap. I just don't have the energy to fight them anymore after four years. She was recently rejected for EHCP and when I asked them what I do next they just copy and pasted the link of how to appeal. I'm too busy worrying about how to keep a roof over my head if I lose this job. Which is quite a real possibility based on today.

OP posts:
Hawkins0001 · 10/07/2023 17:33

Maybe educational programs on the TV may help

KateyCuckoo · 10/07/2023 17:33

I'm sorry, it sounds like you need childcare for her if she can't go to school..

Original poster
Showthemwhoyoucalldaddy · 10/07/2023 17:35

@KateyCuckoo I wouldn't be able to afford it. I'm a single parent and UC would say that she needed to be in school.

OP posts:
Merryoldgoat · 10/07/2023 17:35

Stop making things harder and just let her play.

She sounds so scared and anxious, you refusing to let her regulate herself will just make it worse.

Incentives like that won’t work.

She cannot make good choices whilst she feels so unsafe.

Start by keeping her calm at home, give her few demands, be led by her and see if you can get anywhere once she’s regulated and not so exhausted.

KateyCuckoo · 10/07/2023 17:35

Showthemwhoyoucalldaddy · 10/07/2023 17:35

@KateyCuckoo I wouldn't be able to afford it. I'm a single parent and UC would say that she needed to be in school.

No they wouldn't, its not compulsory.

Badger1970 · 10/07/2023 17:36

Can she verbalise what she doesn't like about school?

Original poster
Showthemwhoyoucalldaddy · 10/07/2023 17:36

Just to say that my intention was never to keep her home whilst I worked but after half an hour struggling in school the only thing I could think of was to take her home so I could start working.

OP posts:
Phineyj · 10/07/2023 17:38

First of all, this sounds very difficult.

I think you should probably get this post moved to SEN. Because it's AIBU you will get some unhelpful replies.

School are right - next stage is to refuse mediation and appeal. Over 90% of refusal to assess appeals succeed.

IPSEA have lots of useful info on their site.

Can I ask are you really stopping her playing and watching TV? What's that going to achieve if the school refusal is emotionally based? Especially if you're trying to get work done.

AbacusAvocado · 10/07/2023 17:39

She’s in autistic burnout so the best thing to do right now is let her rest. If that means watching tv/playing for a few weeks that’s ok. Then gradually start adding normal things back in to her life, using a low demand approach. Try googling pathological demand avoidance and low demand parenting.
Do you have any support groups in the area?

Chewbaccaslime · 10/07/2023 17:39

Is she diagnosed as autistic? You could claim DLA/PIP/carers allowance if she is diagnosed. Which may help somewhat.

Original poster
Showthemwhoyoucalldaddy · 10/07/2023 17:40

She's not diagnosed yet. It's a three year wait in our area and due to covid the referral wasn't put in until may last year.

OP posts:
SweetChilliGirl · 10/07/2023 17:40

You say that school are 'crap'. What is it you are expecting from them if you can't get her into school?

Merryoldgoat · 10/07/2023 17:41

Path of least resistance OP. Honestly. She needs to feel safe and secure before she’ll consider school.

noglow · 10/07/2023 17:42

Could you pay a baby sitter? Just so you can tell work you have childcare

SoUtterlyDoneIn · 10/07/2023 17:42

She needs to be at school.
You need to be at work.

Might she let go of this idea if she stopped thinking you are available at home all the time?

If so I would try to do eg: 5 days where she is at home with child care, you work somewhere else you cannot be seen (preferably not in the house) and do not even momentarily appear until after the working day is done.

This brief stint may be less expensive than weeks of child care and get the idea out of her head that it's 24/7 hometime if she just demands strongly enough.

Original poster
Showthemwhoyoucalldaddy · 10/07/2023 17:42

Well I can always get her out of the door to the school. After that I can't do anymore. They send a regular TA out but to be honest it's too late by then and she's in meltdown. Sometimes I can tell when she's brewing in the morning, but mostly it comes out of nowhere!

OP posts:
Merryoldgoat · 10/07/2023 17:43

SweetChilliGirl · 10/07/2023 17:40

You say that school are 'crap'. What is it you are expecting from them if you can't get her into school?

Autistic children tend to refuse to go to school because their needs aren’t met and they feel unsafe.

Hardly a leap that school haven’t done much to get her in a good place.

My son’s school is far from perfect but they do actually try to help him and have made several adjustments which got us through a tricky patch this year.

noglow · 10/07/2023 17:44

What do you think school could do to help?

Tryingtryingandtrying · 10/07/2023 17:44

Have you read Can't not Wont by Eliza Fricker, it might be helpful.

Original poster
Showthemwhoyoucalldaddy · 10/07/2023 17:45

@SoUtterlyDoneIn to be honest it's not me, it's home that she is attached to. If we are at home and have to go her nans, she cries and will not go without screaming, then she'll do the end of the visit and won't want to come home. It's transitioning from a place she has assessed as safe to another place where she will have to assess all over again.

OP posts:
babbscrabbs · 10/07/2023 17:45

I feel for you, it's a nightmare for parents dealing with school avoidance. No legal recourse to flexibility etc. Are you a single parent?

She doesn't need a DX to get an EHCP

Has she actually been assessed for one or was the assessment itself refused?

As a pp said most EHCNA are rejected first time and appealing is just part of the process. Ridiculous I know.

Sadly her being unable to attend may actually help your case

Keep fighting, you can do this. Look up your local SENDIASS and join a local support group for parent carers of ND children.

Original poster
Showthemwhoyoucalldaddy · 10/07/2023 17:45

@babbscrabbs no they refused to assess

OP posts:
babbscrabbs · 10/07/2023 17:47

SweetChilliGirl · 10/07/2023 17:40

You say that school are 'crap'. What is it you are expecting from them if you can't get her into school?

Read the OP. She has mostly been at school.

Her DD has only missed three full days in a row.

This mum has worked her arse off and I'm sure gone through hell to get her DD into school as much as she has.

babbscrabbs · 10/07/2023 17:48

Showthemwhoyoucalldaddy · 10/07/2023 17:45

@babbscrabbs no they refused to assess

Just treat it as a hoop to jump through and get the appeal template. You can do it. There's no question your DD qualifies for assessment.

ThisIsntMyUsualUsername · 10/07/2023 17:48

Have a read about unschooling.
If she is burnt out forget about education and let her relax and re-balance.
Definitely apply for DLA as it is need based not diagnosis based.
My son is at a specialist school now but we had great difficulty getting him into his mainstream school even though I'd say they were great with him. Even some days now i dress for the office despite wfh and just pretend I'm heading straight out once he's gone. If they other kids have inset they get up and put uniform on...it's all about the routine here. But for now, don't force school. My son basically taught himself to read when the pressure was off, and has learned so much through his interests... Toys, TV and some games apps could be the best thing at the moment, and will allow you to settle in to your new role too.