It's not going to work is it? WFH/ DD

[Showthemwhoyoucalldaddy]

Posted about this issue before new job.
I've recently changed jobs due to my dd's school refusal. She is on the waiting list for ASD, ADHD and generally doesn't like school. She has always had meltdowns during transitions and leaving me. It's never been without drama for any length of time.

I have had six months of it being really bad, three days of refusing to go in at all. Lots of times where it has taken an hour or so to get her in. Work were patient to begin with but towards the end I became utterly unreliable. I sort of knew what would end up happening and so I went for a WFH job in something less interesting to me, but because it seemed a bit more flexible.
Today was my first day and my dd ended up completely refusing to go in. I was late to log onto a meeting they then heard her in the background once (too late to mute) it was mortifying.
This is the first day.
I just know that my dd will keep refusing to go in as she knows I'm now at home. She has no understanding of it being impossible to work with her at home, as well as probably against a million policies. It's also not fair on her. I refuse to let her play or watch television but she also can't learn independently due to her concentration and learning needs. I spent half the term redirecting her. At one point she just lead on the floor stimming. I think she is having full on autistic burn out, aged just 7.
And if anyone tells me to just put her in school, she screams, runs and headbands. School will not physically restrain her and I can't manhandle her into the classroom even if I wanted to. Punishments don't work. She was going to get a reward of a fairly big toy if she had five days of smooth drop offs but she likes sabotaging it and saying that she doesn't deserve the toy. She feels like letting me down is better for her anxiety than having to feel on edge about whether she's being good enough.

I'm just at a loss and school are crap. I just don't have the energy to fight them anymore after four years. She was recently rejected for EHCP and when I asked them what I do next they just copy and pasted the link of how to appeal. I'm too busy worrying about how to keep a roof over my head if I lose this job. Which is quite a real possibility based on today.

Hey I’m so sorry for your this sounds really difficult. I have one diagnosed ASD child, one probable ASD/ADHD… we have a lot of school difficulties here - some thoughts -

1. appeal the refusal to assess. They do this to everyone. To hope that some won’t come back. It’s awful. DM me if you like. Do this very soon and check and double check where to send the appeal as the thing times out then you are back at square one if anything not done properly (and I got misleading advice from the local authorities)
2. keep calling and emailing the LA and say your child is out of school and you need EHCP and alternative provision to meet her needs keep bugging them - set a phone reminder and call them every week
3. how does she like to learn, maybe see if school or local provider can provide anything helpful? Books or worksheets, online lessons?
4. explore home ed networks - Facebook could help?
5. autistic burnout means she should take time to rest and recuperate. Is there someone who can sit with her for a few hours a day? just while she adjusts and you get used to your job.
6. maybe switch up the working week and she learns at the weekend for a short time while you get sorted with the job and before EHCP
7. call the people who have the ASD waiting list and explain the situation- maybe you can get her bumped up on account of her school refusal

good luck, it’s a hard road but gets a little easier in time xxx

To those suggestion CAHMs, the GP said she won't meet the threshold as she doesn't self harm.
The GP says that as most of the difficulties are around its school which need to make things easier for her.
School are at the end of their tether. I feel that we are being pushed out by them not supporting us. I had no help in writing off for the EHCP so I just wrote a really heartfelt description of her difficulties. They asked for SALT, OT, educational psychiatrist reports and I keep asking the school for help with getting these and they give me no assurances, then turn around and say that she needs a specialist placement.
I can't pay for these sort of things privately. I'm barely keeping my head above water as it is! My mortgage payments are going up again and I can't lose my job. I won't get any sick pay as I won't have worked here long enough. And then what happens?

@ArseInTheCoOpWindow she goes completely mute in meltdowns. She can't articulate at all what's going on for her.

My MP bought my DD’s appointment for assessment forward as she would have left secondary education by the time the assessment happened. Would that help?

Your GP sounds shit. Read the white paper on The Autistic Girls Network which describes female ASD. Go back to your GP with that. It was written in conjunction with the head of Limpsfield Grange, which is a ground breaking girls ASD school.

The school can’t meet her needs. They’re admitting it! That should be enough for an EHCP!

Go to tribunal.

I think id accept a horrible few weeks of physically getting her onto the school site and leaving, because you need to do this to get the school to acknowledge her needs and either a) meet them or b) be clear that they are unable to meet them & support you to get the setting she needs.

By allowing her to stay home you are making school's problem your problem and making it possible for them to kick the can down the road.

When they have to deal with her at school, they will sit up and take notice.

@ArseInTheCoOpWindow I agree it's less than ideal but there is a huge MH crisis in our city and CAHMs can't cope. I work in MH services. They just have caseloads of very distressed kids. My DD doesn't even register, there's so many kids her age that say they want to die or hurt themselves

Oh I really feel for you, its such hard graft and so complex, and can be emotionally extremely draining.

First ignore the people who think its your fault, including some of the posters on this thread who are utterly ignorant.

Appeal the EHCP refusal to assess, its bullshit and most LAs agree when you insist. In fact you might want to go straight to asking for EOTAS. It all takes an interminable age and a lot of determination but it will be worth it.

Also go and look at the Not Fine In School FB page - lots of really good support there. Also good support from SENDIASS (though that is a bit of a postcode lottery)

In all honesty if she is in full on burnout, I would just remove all the pressure from the situation for you both. Invite her to go to school but if she can't manage it, don't force it. Let her watch TV. Read and spend time together after work. If she is unhappy enough there to refuse to attend she won't be learning when she is there.

And, in our household, any kind of reward or bribe was about the most inflammatory thing you could possibly do.

I've walked this walk OP, it was very hard. My DD didn't attend school other than the odd day for the last 2.5 years. But has just sat 7 GCSEs (largely self taught, but with school support), at school, and attended prom, and has a college place for September.

I have a school avoiding 10 year old. She s autistic and we are currently awaiting assessment for EHCP. Life for everyone got better once we stopped trying to force her in. If school aren’t making accommodations for her then it is traumatic and will lead to more burnout.

My Dd currently watches TV, plays games and entertains herself while I work. Stoping her from doing these things won’t magically make her want to go to school. She can’t go to school as she doesn’t feel safe, same as your dd.

let her watch Tv and get settled into your job.

Ignore this it will only cause trauma.

I echo the Not fine in school Facebook group and also that the best thing anyone said to me was that education will always be there, she can always catch up and do learning. But damage to MH is harder to undo.

Not only will it cause trauma it could hold up an EHCP. It is however, appalling advice.

Do no do this! It’s causes school based trauma. You are currently one of the only people she can trust.

also I am now physically unable to take my children into school. What is the suggestion then?

I can't force her in even if I wanted to (which I don't) she will bite, pull, kick and spit at me.

And, in our household, any kind of reward or bribe was about the most inflammatory thing you could possibly do.

Yeah, the £169 Dr Martens which were a bribe to go back. Languishing in shoe rack as she currently doesn’t go anywhere….😣

You can still get education for her after 16 days absence.

See a different gp and has for a note.

Your LA were robbing you off, you didn’t need SALT, OT, EP reports before requesting an EHCNA. They are not part of the legal threshold.

Appeal the refusal to assess. For an appeal, depending on what evidence you have think about whether you do need independent reports. If you do but aren’t eligible for legal aid contact Parents in Need as they can sometimes help.

If/when you successfully appeal the refusal to assess, the EHCNA can include MH assessments and an EHCP can include ongoing MH support even when DC don’t meet the NHS threshold and without the need to sit on the normal waiting list.

I have a son similar age (7), who has diagnosed ASD.

There have been times I’ve had to physically carry him in kicking and screaming to school and leave him there with his teacher. It sucks but I have to work, I’m a single parent and I need the money. I have a younger child to drop off afterwards at nursery too. I do think it’s the best option for him as I don’t have the skills to teach him and he needs to be able to read and write.

You say you can’t manhandle her in. Are you physically unable to get her in because she’s just too heavy? Or do you have some disabilities yourself? I do wonder what I’ll do when he gets too heavy for me as I’m quite petite. For now I’m going with manhandling in, awful as it sounds :(

Doing this will make it worse in the long run.

https://www.facebook.com/groups/937052699779198

Everyone on this page has been where you are. Very knowlgeable and supportive.

It is 15 days, and the OP doesn’t need to wait until after 15 days as the days don’t need to already have been missed. Provision should be provided as soon as it becomes clear 15 days will be missed.

Also, why would you force a screaming hysterical child into a place that causes the problems?

He’s not old enough to advocate for himself. It’s abuse.

@Diymesss what are you going to do when you can’t manhandle him in anymore?

It will make things worse in the long run and has been shown to create trauma.

My dd was denied alternative provision because of lack of medical evidence (letter from GP saying that anxiety was likely to impact her ability to attained achool). I’m in the process of writing to the director of children’s services about it

@ArseInTheCoOpWindow I don’t know if that’s true. He goes through good patches and bad patches. And I have two children to consider and keep a roof over both their heads. Would their lives be better if I had no income apart from benefits and had to move further away from school? Also bear in mind that my son refuses to do any school work/learning at home.