It's not going to work is it? WFH/ DD

[Showthemwhoyoucalldaddy]

Posted about this issue before new job.
I've recently changed jobs due to my dd's school refusal. She is on the waiting list for ASD, ADHD and generally doesn't like school. She has always had meltdowns during transitions and leaving me. It's never been without drama for any length of time.

I have had six months of it being really bad, three days of refusing to go in at all. Lots of times where it has taken an hour or so to get her in. Work were patient to begin with but towards the end I became utterly unreliable. I sort of knew what would end up happening and so I went for a WFH job in something less interesting to me, but because it seemed a bit more flexible.
Today was my first day and my dd ended up completely refusing to go in. I was late to log onto a meeting they then heard her in the background once (too late to mute) it was mortifying.
This is the first day.
I just know that my dd will keep refusing to go in as she knows I'm now at home. She has no understanding of it being impossible to work with her at home, as well as probably against a million policies. It's also not fair on her. I refuse to let her play or watch television but she also can't learn independently due to her concentration and learning needs. I spent half the term redirecting her. At one point she just lead on the floor stimming. I think she is having full on autistic burn out, aged just 7.
And if anyone tells me to just put her in school, she screams, runs and headbands. School will not physically restrain her and I can't manhandle her into the classroom even if I wanted to. Punishments don't work. She was going to get a reward of a fairly big toy if she had five days of smooth drop offs but she likes sabotaging it and saying that she doesn't deserve the toy. She feels like letting me down is better for her anxiety than having to feel on edge about whether she's being good enough.

I'm just at a loss and school are crap. I just don't have the energy to fight them anymore after four years. She was recently rejected for EHCP and when I asked them what I do next they just copy and pasted the link of how to appeal. I'm too busy worrying about how to keep a roof over my head if I lose this job. Which is quite a real possibility based on today.

Do this. It's nearly holidays anyway. Tell the LA and school that this is what you're doing. Ask for an EHCP assessment. Don't take her off the school roll.

Use the summer holiday to assess your options.

Sadly her being unable to attend may actually help your case

This.

Also speak to CAHMS and let them know it's urgent.

This is great evidence. If you appeal through to the level of tribunal, they will listen. LAs just fudge and stall because they can't allocate budget h tik they are ordered to be the tribunal.

Which isn't right for her either no doubt. I know you don't want another fight but 1-1 isn't going to get her to a good place. Small school, small class sizes, good pastoral care was my DDs consultant recommendation. I know it's hard to find those places, the LEAs hate funding them into private schools for example but she won't find her tribe in the setting she's in, she'll find the large school setting overwhelming probably and also find the 1-1 ostracising perhaps.

Give her a break over the summer, school refusing for a couple of weeks might help your case.

Decent headset for WFH.

I found it sooooo stressful WFH with my DD, people really underestimate the stress it causes as you are on edge the whole time if you are in calls and you think you'll be interrupted by them having a meltdown.

Lone parent on top, I really really relate. (It did get a lot better though)

I feel for you, school refusal is horrendous and the threat of fines for non attendance even more stressful. I'm sorry you have to fight so hard to get her an EHCP, but this is not unusual, sadly, and you will probably get there in the end.
Ignore the 'get them into school' brigade who think that we are weak and just not firm enough. If only it were that simple. Plenty do understand, and the FB group mentioned is very good.

Well it sounds like it's not just transitions, your DD can't cope in the school environment if she's out of the classroom most of the time.

It's good they are giving her 1:1 but aside from that your school sounds bloody useless I'm afraid to say. They often don't want you to have EHCP because it holds them to account.

Your DD may well be better off in specialist tbh but inding spaces in suitable schools can be tricky.

You don't need to have all those reports privately, that's what the EHCNA is for, to assess her. You need to demand they get all those assessments done.

Get your appeal in before your time runs out. The likelihood of the tribunal overturning the refusal to assess is very high, and may not need to get as far as a hearing. You can only focus on the next step, so make it that. Then refocus on work. You mentioned her Nan, can she help?

Then read up on section 19/alternative provision. If your DD cannot attend for reason of “illness, exclusion or otherwise” then the council has responsibilities towards her.

@Relaxinghammock thanks for advice. Don’t want to go on too much about my situation on OP’s thread but he doesn’t have an EHCP yet, just ASD diagnosis from nhs and on the school’s Sen register. Have had a few meetings with senco but they haven’t suggested getting EHCP. So I guess that would be the next step.

@Diymesss apologies, because you mentioned specialist school I assumed DS had an EHCP. You should request an EHCNA yourself - IPSEA have a model letter you can use.

@Relaxinghammock ah I see - thanks :)

No advice but it sounds so hard. Has your employer asked if it was a one off that she was home with you the day they heard?

@Diymesss i so understand. I am a lone parent and work full time. Luckily I can work from home. I was like you and thought I had to keep making her, I thought she had to be doing something. She used to just miss the odd day, then a couple of days. Sometimes she had great weeks. She was masking and eventually the pressure of year 6 and SATs and she couldn’t do it anymore. It’s very common.

But at the moment she does about an hour a week with senco (who she loves) and the rest at home doing nothing obviously learning. I work.

Her mental health has improved enormously. And there is no harm in missing a few months or even years. I used to be a teacher, so I do know that. Education will always be there.

@TorviShieldMaiden thanks - that’s brilliant that you have found a solution and your daughter is feeling better.

I think what worries me about the idea of missing school is that my son currently cannot read and write much. He can read some very basic words like ‘no’ and knows the alphabet but that’s about it. He’s behind others his age. I feel like he needs those basics as when you’re young is when it’s easier to learn these things. Like how it’s easier to learn a new language when you’re a small child, your brain takes so much in.

Could you work with the school to come up with a plan that might work better for your DD? A Friend of mine has issues with her son going to school due to anxeity, and they agreed a plan where my friend would drop off in her car after the school run so it was calmer, and a teacher/ TA would come out to meet him at the car, caht to him a bit and then walk in with him.

Thanks for your suggestions, I really am grateful. I think part of my difficulty is that my daughter actually does like school at times. I said to her after a really bad week, 'what if I said to you that you never had to go to school again or you could have a few weeks off' and she said no she doesn't want that. She would miss her friends and the self esteem that comes from doing her work well and even the school dinners and stuff teachers. On Saturday she was proudly showing her family her playground, lunch hall etc. I don't think swapping that for hours of tv whilst I wfh for 8 hours is a fair swap.

OP, again this is very familiar to me - my daughter was older when this fully kicked in but she adamantly did not want to be homeschooled and she had a strong sense of connection and belonging to the school, she just couldn't tolerate the environment. And tbh I was also devastated as I knew she could be getting so much out of it - but she just wasn't. School in the end came really good, she had 1-2-1s in core subjects and remote support from creative subject teachers. She could go when she was able, and no pressure when not - but this was Y10/11 after years of misery.

Short term give her and you a break, remove the pressure, and give through the burnout.

Longer term I would urge you to consider what needs to happen for secondary school because the pressures intensify over the years in every sense and the environment can be very challenging. Explore every option. At primary you are looking at years of this, its not something that will magically disappear without the appropriate supports or schools and you will have to fight for it, probably (sadly, wrongly). Its hard and I really send all my best wishes to you.

@IsItThough thank you, I'm glad it worked out for your daughter in the end. I honestly can't see my dd in secondary school. Our local one is amazing and rated very highly for SEN and inclusion. But it's massive and very very strict in terms of uniform, attendance etc. I just don't see her thriving in that environment.

You might be surprised, OP. Big schools with a lot of SEN have rooms, resources and staff with experience. I'm going to send my DD (currently year 5) to one mainly because there will be lots of other DC with similar SEN so she won't feel like the odd one out.

Is there a teacher your DD likes at school? Worth sitting down with them and seeing if DD might disclose specifics of what's bothering her and then adjustments could be made. Where there's a will, there's often a way.

@Phineyj we've tried quite a lot. She is very talkative but completely freezes when she has to express what's going on for her internally. She can't say why she's feeling that way or what it is. Whether it's attachment to me or home. Whether it's better in certain classrooms and not others. Once she said that she could be in a classroom with no one else in and no one else in the school and it would still be noisy as it's noisy in her head.

Big schols have no money, no quiet areas and not much SEN help,

I worked in one, and Dd age 16 is refusing to go to hers. Small and quiet is much better.

You sound very rigid and self sabotaging if you wouldn't let her play/ watch TV on a day (morning) that you really needed to get things right for yourself. You needed to prioritise you new job, but choose to pick a battle with you DD instead.

Also, what is wrong with a 7 yo playing (unless you mean video gaming)? At 7 she should still be learning a lot through play, particularly social skills, which presumably she struggles with. In Scandinavian schools they would only just be starting to push academics at 7 anyway, so wouldn't be classed as behind on reading and writing anyway.

Give yourself a break and give your DD a break, let her play and play with her, work on social, life and communication skills. For now don't make home like school, because she hates school, that is why she is at home afterall.

I would let her play or watch tv if it means you're able to keep your job. Don't make this any harder on yourself or her. Take the easiest possible route until you get diagnosed x

My dd desperately wants to go to school, and sometimes she enjoys it. But it is just too much for her on an sensory level. school have been fantastic putting stuff in place. But it isn’t enough. Not a chance she will manage mainstream secondary in September, our only hope is a specialist setting.

@Diymesss he maybnot actually be learning at school if the whole time he is so anxious that he is in fight/flight/freeze mode. If all his Newhart is in surviving and masking then he won’t be learning anything- probably why he is behind peers. Remember in many countries children don’t start school until 7, and we have a very intensive approach to learning at a young age.

I think the sad truth is, unless you're neuro-typical, there is little help out there, I’m struggling with my DD, we’ve had little support, there really is no support for children who need help and often they get lost in the system. We are considering home-schooling and making learning more fun.

And this is the problem. DH and l worked out there must be 20000 ASD kids in U.K. At least.

Thats enough to warrant a lot of big specialist schools. But you need an EHCP. Why? Why are ASD kids less entitled to an education? Because that’s what’s happening