It's not going to work is it? WFH/ DD

[Showthemwhoyoucalldaddy]

Posted about this issue before new job.
I've recently changed jobs due to my dd's school refusal. She is on the waiting list for ASD, ADHD and generally doesn't like school. She has always had meltdowns during transitions and leaving me. It's never been without drama for any length of time.

I have had six months of it being really bad, three days of refusing to go in at all. Lots of times where it has taken an hour or so to get her in. Work were patient to begin with but towards the end I became utterly unreliable. I sort of knew what would end up happening and so I went for a WFH job in something less interesting to me, but because it seemed a bit more flexible.
Today was my first day and my dd ended up completely refusing to go in. I was late to log onto a meeting they then heard her in the background once (too late to mute) it was mortifying.
This is the first day.
I just know that my dd will keep refusing to go in as she knows I'm now at home. She has no understanding of it being impossible to work with her at home, as well as probably against a million policies. It's also not fair on her. I refuse to let her play or watch television but she also can't learn independently due to her concentration and learning needs. I spent half the term redirecting her. At one point she just lead on the floor stimming. I think she is having full on autistic burn out, aged just 7.
And if anyone tells me to just put her in school, she screams, runs and headbands. School will not physically restrain her and I can't manhandle her into the classroom even if I wanted to. Punishments don't work. She was going to get a reward of a fairly big toy if she had five days of smooth drop offs but she likes sabotaging it and saying that she doesn't deserve the toy. She feels like letting me down is better for her anxiety than having to feel on edge about whether she's being good enough.

I'm just at a loss and school are crap. I just don't have the energy to fight them anymore after four years. She was recently rejected for EHCP and when I asked them what I do next they just copy and pasted the link of how to appeal. I'm too busy worrying about how to keep a roof over my head if I lose this job. Which is quite a real possibility based on today.

Yeah, because this is really going to work.

My ASD Dd 16 won’t go to school. It makes
no difference if I’m here or not. It’s not the home situation. It’s the fact that her Dd is in the wrong educational environment. Lots of ASD children won’t go to school. They are let down by the education system.

@ThisIsntMyUsualUsername it's just not what I think is good for her. She is very behind in every subject and actually regressing. If I just let her stay home, she won't pick up a book, she won't write, she will just watch TV.

To give you our timeline, we applied for EHCP mid Oct last year. Got refusal at Xmas. Put in appeal ASAP. Got tribunal decision mid April. Hoping to get EHCP by September. We already had various diagnoses privately which were accepted but presumably the ADHD assessment/ADOS would have been done during the assessment period otherwise.

You can also ask the GP about getting the assessments done via Choose and Book.

Join the ‘not fine in school’ group on Facebook. There are so many families like you struggling.

it’s sounds horrendous. So well done for continuing to give this your everything.

I think you’ll find that group helpful as lots of experts in this area.

Education can be caught up on later. Autistic burnout is very serious.

Is the dad involved at all?

Hi OP, I sympathise entirely, I also have a child with ASD who struggles to go to school and have spent three years now trying to balance her needs with work. People who haven't experienced it will give you lots of advice based on no understanding whatsoever of your child's needs.

I would really recommend the Facebook group Not Fine in School, where you will find over 30,000 parents in a similar situation and loads of really detailed information about what the responsibilities of the school and the local authority are to help you support your child's needs.

Dr Naomi Fisher also writes a really good and runs webinars in this area.

Good luck!

@Hbradley I did join it but I think it added to my anxiety, I know this might sound really unrealistic but I feel like it's a bad dream. My dd not going to school, me giving up work, and getting by on very little. I have no husband to support me. And I want more for her. The idea that she won't get any qualifications scares me. The idea that I will have to support her having given up my career which I won't get back after years away whilst she won't go to school.

I totally understand where you're coming from. But my autistic son has always been behind and accepting he won't catch up has actually made it a lot easier to do what I feel is better for his mental health than being solely focused on education. They have their whole lives to learn. And that's not judging. I've always wanted my son in school and for the most part he has been. But covid was a big old space of time he did bugger all formal education but I wouldn't say he didn't learn anything.
Getting EHCP and changing school changed his life though. Changed all of our lives.

poor little mite and poor you, that sounds so upsetting and exhausting for you both. Having been a little girl with ASD and ADHD, try to keep in mind that she’s not being ‘naughty’ - she’s genuinely not coping. School is a horrible environment for many ND kids with all the noise, changes, and enforced constant socialising. And that’s before the issue of feeling different or being picked on for being ‘odd’. Does she have any friendships at school? Have you established if there any specific person/activity that bothers her? ND people (especially kids) often find it quite hard to identify what exactly is upsetting them, so some gentle questioning might help.

In the mean time, talk to work, mentioning that you have a child with special needs - if i was your manager i’d bend over backwards to help you out. you sound like a great mum - good luck!

on the subject of unschooling - i went to school but often think i’d have done better at home, and have a friend with ASD who was unschooled and now has two degrees and works in the NHS. Education can be caught up on, and it’s much easier to learn when you’re not fraught with anxiety and burnout.

Is she under CAMHS - not for the ASD/ADHD assessment but for mental health? They may be able to offer support with the school avoidance.
In some areas the local authority can provide home tutors for pupils who are unable to attend school for mental health reasons, so that is worth looking into if you think it could work for you both.
Also would school be able to send work home if she isn’t able to attend? EBSA is very difficult and wearing on both of you.

It’s 2 weeks to go to end of term so realistically even if you can’t get her in it’s probably not normal lessons she’s missing so she won’t be falling more behind. Could that be part of issue - play rehearsals, sports day, trips all very unsettling her.
If she’ll watch tv while you work I’d do that as a needs must while you get induction to new job done.

@Dixiechickonhols it's all year round to be honest x

@Chasingadvice I'm just so out of my depth. I worry so much about being too permissive and I want her to do some home studying so no I don't let her play all day.
I can't pretend to her that it's fine her being home with me because it isn't.

I'm not horrible to her but I don't tell her that it's fine for her not to go in.

This isn’t about you being permissive, it’s about autistic burnout and her unmet neeeds.

She is entitled to some education provided by the Lea after the first 15 days absence. You may have to fight, but it’s the law.

If she's in burnout let her rest. Stop making it harder for yourself and her. She will be sitting there in distress with no distractions from it and unable to soothe herself due to the SEN. I know you think letting her watch TV and play will encourage her to schooler refuse but it could actually help her rest and reset enough to cope with school and if not at least her overwhelmed brain gets a break.

Play is learning though. Not tablet all the time but other forms of play as well. Art, music, puzzle books, ... jigsaws, lego, meccano...

OP I really feel for you. My son has ASD and school has been a challenge and he has an EHCP but we still have very poor provision in our area sadly.
Firstly I think you take a deep breath, and don't be worried about her not achieving qualifications in the future, she is only 7 she has so much time to learn when she is able to.
My son has significant mental health issues which I feel has been triggered by going into an inappropriate school environment. Please don't feel like your DD is being badly behaved, she just can't cope.
You need to be thinking of day to day survival at the moment. Firstly get the GP to say she isn't able to go into school she is too anxious, and send that into school. Tell the GP she is refusing school and see if they will write to camhs to push the assessment. It may be a 3 year wait but some people will be seen quicker.
Keep all communications open with the school but just stop forcing her to go in, you are both stressed out trying to do this. Tell school you cannot get her in.
Speak to your local sendaiss service and also look on the ipsea website and get help with appealing the EHCP assessment. Apply for DLA and write down worst case scenario and worst day.
Can you do a visual timetable with your DD for time at home and let her play and let her watch TV.
For my son, who is now 15 he has never done any school work at home, he can't, school is for school work and home is his safe place to relax. On the visual timetable do your schedule, mum is working etc, and have lunch together.

Try your best to do your job but you can't home educate your child and work at the same time. You need to work you need the money.
And remember it won't always be like this, and work towards getting her an EHCP and into a suitable school where she is happy to attend.

I hate all this crap about ASd children not going to school because home is too comfortable and therefore it’s the home’s fault.

Its the education system at fault. If you had severe exhaustion, high anxiety, slow processing speeds, speech issues like mutism or delayed speech, sensory issues including sound and light, then most person in their right mind would stay in a safe and comfortable atmosphere.

This is entirely irrelevant. If your child isn’t happy they won’t learn.

How much research have you done regarding what’s best for her? She’s 7. She has years to reach her potential when she feels safe and secure.

I know. It drives me insane.

All of these children being failed.

Appeal the refusal to assess. Look at ISPEA and SOSSEN. See whether you are eligible for legal aid. If you aren’t but need independent assessments, contact Parents in Need because they can sometimes help. Be careful with SENDIASS. Some are good but too many repeat the LA’s unlawful policies.

If DD can’t attend school due to her SEN/MH, the LA must provide alternative arrangements to ensure DD receives a suitable full-time education. This should begin as soon as it becomes clear 15 days will be missed. The days don’t need to be consecutive or have already been missed.

Apply for DLA. Cerebra’s guide is helpful when completing the form.

There is lots of helpful information on the SEN and SN boards on here.

To be honest we have 2 weeks left of school and everyone is in burnout mode, teachers, support staff and kids alike. She probably needs a rest.

Also if the school are being really unhelp especially in helping with a diagnosis, change schools. Not all schools are the same and some will be a lot more supportive then others. You could look at starting her somewhere new in September. It could make all the difference.