It's not going to work is it? WFH/ DD

[Showthemwhoyoucalldaddy]

Posted about this issue before new job.
I've recently changed jobs due to my dd's school refusal. She is on the waiting list for ASD, ADHD and generally doesn't like school. She has always had meltdowns during transitions and leaving me. It's never been without drama for any length of time.

I have had six months of it being really bad, three days of refusing to go in at all. Lots of times where it has taken an hour or so to get her in. Work were patient to begin with but towards the end I became utterly unreliable. I sort of knew what would end up happening and so I went for a WFH job in something less interesting to me, but because it seemed a bit more flexible.
Today was my first day and my dd ended up completely refusing to go in. I was late to log onto a meeting they then heard her in the background once (too late to mute) it was mortifying.
This is the first day.
I just know that my dd will keep refusing to go in as she knows I'm now at home. She has no understanding of it being impossible to work with her at home, as well as probably against a million policies. It's also not fair on her. I refuse to let her play or watch television but she also can't learn independently due to her concentration and learning needs. I spent half the term redirecting her. At one point she just lead on the floor stimming. I think she is having full on autistic burn out, aged just 7.
And if anyone tells me to just put her in school, she screams, runs and headbands. School will not physically restrain her and I can't manhandle her into the classroom even if I wanted to. Punishments don't work. She was going to get a reward of a fairly big toy if she had five days of smooth drop offs but she likes sabotaging it and saying that she doesn't deserve the toy. She feels like letting me down is better for her anxiety than having to feel on edge about whether she's being good enough.

I'm just at a loss and school are crap. I just don't have the energy to fight them anymore after four years. She was recently rejected for EHCP and when I asked them what I do next they just copy and pasted the link of how to appeal. I'm too busy worrying about how to keep a roof over my head if I lose this job. Which is quite a real possibility based on today.

OP - my heart goes out to you as I've been in a similar situation (not as a single parent though so you've got so much going on)

The school and local authority have a duty of care to your daughter and to provide her with an education. I'd suggest trying one last time to get the SENCO & Headteacher to support you, then explain that you'll be forced to make a complaint to the Governors about this.

It's all very well the school saying she needs a specialist setting, but in order to get into one you do need a body of evidence and the school will know that.

In the meantime, would going into school a little bit later help your daughter? I did this with autistic child and it really helped just being a bit quieter, with less pressure in the morning. I know this might be tricky around work though.

I'd also suggest getting in touch with the Autistic Society for advice about transitions and ways to help her get into school positively. They run an "Early Bird" Parenting course that has helped me and my family so much in terms of understanding our child.

I'd also recommend Autistic Not Weird on Facebook & Autism Happy Place on Instagram (both run by autistic adults, who give great insights into how your child sees things)

Another thing we do is to make a visual list in the mornings (get dressed, eat breakfast etc etc) We tick it off and it helps them to know what needs to be done, and in a calm way.

We actually have one programme in the mornings (Hey Duggee or Bluey, my child's choice) and it's really helped to calm them. I think screen time usage looks different when you have a SEN child - not saying let her what as much as she wants, but a little bit here and there is good to help them regulate.

I limit questions and chatter in the mornings, even sometimes just leaving them alone for 10 minutes in quiet really helps.

Lastly....just sending you a huge hug and some solidarity. You're doing brilliantly, especially with such an unsupportive school.