It's not going to work is it? WFH/ DD

[Showthemwhoyoucalldaddy]

Posted about this issue before new job.
I've recently changed jobs due to my dd's school refusal. She is on the waiting list for ASD, ADHD and generally doesn't like school. She has always had meltdowns during transitions and leaving me. It's never been without drama for any length of time.

I have had six months of it being really bad, three days of refusing to go in at all. Lots of times where it has taken an hour or so to get her in. Work were patient to begin with but towards the end I became utterly unreliable. I sort of knew what would end up happening and so I went for a WFH job in something less interesting to me, but because it seemed a bit more flexible.
Today was my first day and my dd ended up completely refusing to go in. I was late to log onto a meeting they then heard her in the background once (too late to mute) it was mortifying.
This is the first day.
I just know that my dd will keep refusing to go in as she knows I'm now at home. She has no understanding of it being impossible to work with her at home, as well as probably against a million policies. It's also not fair on her. I refuse to let her play or watch television but she also can't learn independently due to her concentration and learning needs. I spent half the term redirecting her. At one point she just lead on the floor stimming. I think she is having full on autistic burn out, aged just 7.
And if anyone tells me to just put her in school, she screams, runs and headbands. School will not physically restrain her and I can't manhandle her into the classroom even if I wanted to. Punishments don't work. She was going to get a reward of a fairly big toy if she had five days of smooth drop offs but she likes sabotaging it and saying that she doesn't deserve the toy. She feels like letting me down is better for her anxiety than having to feel on edge about whether she's being good enough.

I'm just at a loss and school are crap. I just don't have the energy to fight them anymore after four years. She was recently rejected for EHCP and when I asked them what I do next they just copy and pasted the link of how to appeal. I'm too busy worrying about how to keep a roof over my head if I lose this job. Which is quite a real possibility based on today.

Op there are so many groups including NotFineInSchool - you can also get help from SENDIASS - have you not heard of anxiety based school refusal? Get this thread moved to the SEN boards!

l don’t have an answer. But it will harm him.

@Diymesss I completely understand your situation. This is always my question to those who say 'let her have time off/ unschool/ home Ed' is who's going to pay my mortgage. I know that forcing her in is unfeasible but also me living on UC is unfeasible... As they don't pay housing support for home owners. I'd get £1200 a month max.

Once you have emailed the Director of Children’s Services if they still refuse email again threatening judicial review. If that doesn’t work look at a pre-action letter.

@Showthemwhoyoucalldaddy thank you for understanding - I don’t want to hurt my child but do feel this is the best option for us at the moment. It’s an awful situation to be in and I don’t know what’s best to suggest. There just isn’t much support out there. Sometimes I have seen that schools will make provisions to allow SEN children to come in by an alternative, calmer entrance which may help some.

Lone parent too, DD14 with ADHD and ASD.

Her anxiety stemmed from the massive larger noisy classes, she would have full on meltdown after school, because classes of 30 in big schools are not the right environment. Secondary she went to a small all girls school with 10 in a class. She's now thriving.

You definitely need to push for the alternative setting for her. As a single mum I know the pressure, strain and just sheer exhaustion of the burden.

Lockdown working with her at home was a bloody disaster. I'd say the main priority is getting her into the right educational environment.

This sounds so tough. Can you just keep her off for the last few weeks, let her watch TV, read, play and hopefully be quiet enough to let you get established in your new job, then continue that over the summer. There's nothing worse than starting a new job, where you haven't built any decent relationships and being late/unreliable.

Come September could you take some holiday so you don't have to stress if the school run takes a while (maybe even just half days). Maybe having the break will allow your DD some breathing space and things will get better come the new term...I'll be honest I think that's unlikely so you will have to have a plan B. Can you switch schools to one better equipped to help?

https://missingthemark.blog/ - might help?

This sounds incredibly difficult OP. I just wanted to say: my DB was years out of school due to asthma and generally not wanting to go much (he has ASD) and he did catchup on his education (actually being at home he got miles ahead in maths and reading and then he got himself into electronics and coding and that’s now his highly lucrative career!)

maybe you can ask school to help you - provide a Chromebook for example.have she can watch bbc bitsize, play on Read,Write,Inc and do TimesTablesRockstars online while you work. She can play Suduko or learn Minesweeper or chess online, or play any one of the bazillion slightly educational apps out there (even Minecraft and Roblox and some of the sim games have some good brain-stretching content). She can look for silly poems online and copy out the funniest one she can find. She can watch a YouTube channel to learn how to draw. And she play all the next day.

And so what if she watches tv in between or even for a whole day.

I reckon 75% of time at school is wasted on crowd control and relatively pointless stuff like making models out of junk or learning a dance for a school play or sports day or being naughty and all queuing outside the classroom for an hour as a punishment: it is not all valuable learning time.

@ArseInTheCoOpWindow This is the thing - people will always tell you you’re doing it wrong, but not what to do instead. I’m doing my best. I honestly don’t think it’s best for him to stay at home watching TV five days a week, he’d love it but that’s not a long term plan or alternative to school. He doesn’t meet the criteria for a specialist school.

Our council have an independent advice service who will support and advocate for your child. Might be worth looking into.

Failing that with one SEN child and two weeks of term left I would just let her stay home. Tell her school has broken up and limit tv/tablet to vaguely educational things to help with the guilt.

im sorry things are so hard for you.

@jeaux90 she's currently in around 20% of lessons, and is with a 1:1 in a low stimulus area the rest of the time. She's basically on a 1:1 without the school being funded by the LA which is why I don't get why they won't help me more with the EHCP.

OP it's soul breaking. I ended up on sick for 6 months as school refusals broke me (I was lucky I have dh). I ended up with flexible start at work. To try and mitigate I ended up with later start. No I never let on if I'm working from home. We follow exactly same routine every morning. We have chart where they stick a smiley face on after completing each morning task and a clock segmented showing time to school. We do lots of mindfulness. Use calm kids app before leaving the house.

And yes in the past Iv carried them out to the car from house while biting me then chased around school car park and cried while everyone watched. It did get better as they got older.

Push forward with appeal for ehcp. Have the school put things on place like quiet corners, ear defeners, sensory breaks, wobble cushions, fidget bands.

Barnardos were quite good. They came out to the house and do play exercises around anxiety and managing big emotions before they overwhelm you into meltdown

School may not have any ed psych hours left or more disruptive children.

If a SS isn’t suitable have you looked at EOTAS?

Friend found something fun helped leaving house. So she would drive to local park. They would swing for 10mins then go onto school then swing again on way home. (Kid loved swings)

Have you met separately with the school SENDCO? Could dd stay with your mum while you go in and meet with the school and say "ill keep her home til after summer but what's the plan after that?"

It could be that she would benefit from coming into school 30mins after the start of the day when it's quiet and spending time with the SENDCO in the library or other calming area. Then dipping into lessons after morning break or whatever.

Cisco head sets have really good noise cancellation of the ambient room noise, i use them and if my toddler wanders in no one can hear her

I think my DD struggles with the class sizes, the room she is in is very small and has little room between the tables. Unfortunately most state schools around here have large class sizes, unless private.

@Relaxinghammock thanks- I hadn’t heard of it before and have just had a brief look at a few sites talking about it. It looks like he wouldn’t be eligible as his school feels he is making progress and coping with the support they have put in place. So I would have to argue against that by the sounds of it.

It's really sad how little support there are for children and their parents in situations like this. I don't have any practical advice OP but just saying its clear you're doing your best to balance everything and that you've tried everything you can to engage your DD with school; I really hope things work out, sounds like others have good advice.

I think it may help to reframe your mind about the whole situation.

Try a thought experiment:
Imagine that she had been born very obviously disabled in some way, the kind of disability that means a "normal" life for her is totally out of the question.
You would likely have had to give up work and become a full-time carer.
You would likely have had to give up home-ownership and move into a rented place on benefits.
At the moment your situation is nothing like this imaginary scenario. Which is not to dismiss how bad it feels for you now, but just getting you to see a different perspective.

You feel like you are in a bad dream, afraid of having to give up your home and your career/job, afraid for her future if she doesn't get any qualifications.

It may help if you can stop being afraid, if you accept that she is who she is, and both your life and hers probably won't turn out how you expected.
Then once you are no longer afraid you might find some inner calm to be able to handle whatever comes.

It is possible to get EOTAS even if the school think they can meet needs. Schools sometimes claim they can meet needs and DC are coping when in reality they aren’t. If the school was meeting DS’s needs and he was coping you wouldn’t have to carry DS in kicking and screaming. If attending school is inappropriate then you can get EOTAS, and if you are carrying DS in kicking and screaming you are likely to be able to prove it is inappropriate. You might have to appeal though, sadly many do.

At the very least you need an early review of the EHCP so it better meets DS’s needs.

Claim child DLA for her and take a career break to fight for all the stuff she needs.

work part time if you need to to keep your toe in.

there are forest schools, home school focused day time activists (we have a company that runs wild food workshops for homeschooled kids and anyone can tag along) for when she’s had some necessary support/meds/break and for some adhd/asd kids time to grow up a bit (age wise) where they can manage themselves a little better too.

for the transitioning. You need to plan plan plan. Big clear clocks and warnings ‘we’re leaving in x minutes’ clear expectations and in the short term it might be beneficial to have timed visits. Going to nans eg have one cup of tea that will take 45mins then come home. Lay down the plan and expectations first and don’t deviate from it.

my own child benefited more from specific ‘things’ to help regulate as well as time except Expectations to leave. . Eg bus is at 8am. We need to leave the house at 7:40 am then we’re going shopping in town I gave the expectation of 3 shops then we come home and do the most important shop first. And always gave the option after 3 shops to do one more shop or go home. It took time but eventually 3 shops became whatever we needed and a coffee on the way home.