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AIBU?

DD's uni costs

753 replies

WarriorWalrus · 10/07/2023 11:26

DD1 is 17, 18 at the start of August. DH and I can't agree on what costs we should be covering while she is at uni and what she should budget for herself.
Due to our income DD only qualifies for the most basic maintenance loan. We have savings for her, so it won't be out of our monthly income (though I intend to keep putting money into her savings while she is at uni). Her grandparents have offered to pay for her accommodation (£350 a week).
So far we haven't figure out how much her monthly allowance from us will be, but we disagree on what this should cover. DH thinks the amount we set should cover everything, food, clothes, socialising, club fees, holidays etc.
I think food, socialising and day to day clothes sure, but she plans to join one of the sports teams so I think we should pay for the initial registration cost and kit costs, allow her to use money from the savings for travel, she currently gets private coaching in her sport, I think we should pay for this to continue at uni (I know she wants it to) and step in with extra money for more expensive clothes for events or such.
We don't want her to and she doesn't intend to get a job (Uni, Socialising, Sport and extra work to help future career should take up most of her time). But we do want to teach her to budget.
AIBU to think the additional things should be covered by us, anyone with Uni aged kids got a rough idea of how much she will need monthly?

OP posts:

Am I being unreasonable?

557 votes. Final results.

POLL
You are being unreasonable
82%
You are NOT being unreasonable
18%
Dixiechickonhols · 10/07/2023 12:38

WarriorWalrus · 10/07/2023 12:28

This is Kings, £350 might be the most expensive? But she missed out on some of the others chose the one she has for location, proximity to social spots etc.

Yes it’s probably most expensive. It’s extremely generous her grandparents are paying £14,000 a year accommodation
Her loan then gives her £160 ish a week net based on 40 weeks.
I’d have thought that plenty for socialising, food, travel.
I’d look at monetising her sport as it will look good on cv and be an income. DD’s friend earns £100 for a Saturday morning referring kids football, if she’s a swimmer lifeguarding pays well etc.

mumonthehill · 10/07/2023 12:39

Ds on a national sports team and on uni team, doing a science degree with lots of lab time and has worked throughout. It is important to have work on your cv, gives them financial independence and great skills.

Sissynova · 10/07/2023 12:39

LivinDaylights · 10/07/2023 12:31

I think this post explains why many recent graduates are the way they are. Mummy and Daddy funding everything, precious Cordelia can't possible do any work, she must play 12 sports and focus all her energy into her studies. Reality is she's out 4 times a week living the life of Riley, they get onto the grad scheme with their 2.1, they are work shy, lazy and have an attitude problem as they don't like being told what to do, they aren't used to "no". Happens a lot.

Maybe she could work every holiday? I worked every holiday plus 2 shifts a week at uni too. I think it's important that she learns the value of money rather than having everything handed on a plate. If she worked all summer she could put away a few grand working full time, that would help towards her personal spends for clothes/socialising.

To be fair I don't think it is a "recent graduate" thing at all. Most parents are not funding their DC at university to this degree. There have always been kids and young adults who had everything handed to them.

alterego2 · 10/07/2023 12:39

Dd was at Durham, also on a basic maintenance loan. We paid for her accommodation and, when fuel prices rocketed, gave some support for bills but not a lot. She did the rest (food, clothes, basic level of bills, social life etc) out of the loan and a few college bar shifts. And never once said she couldn't afford to go out.

TiredCatLady · 10/07/2023 12:40

With accommodation paid for, the maintenance loan should be more than sufficient to cover her other expenditure. If she’s struggling on £500/month then she’s spending too much - even in London.

Continue to cover the sports coaching if you must but I wouldn’t be giving her any extra on top.

PinkArt · 10/07/2023 12:40

Telly journalism or print? Print I don't know, but as someone regularly hiring new entrants in telly their actual work history is what we are looking at above way before any degrees. Industry work experience is absolutely beneficial too, but bar work, cleaning, waitressing etc are all the kind of things I'd be looking out for as evidence of worth ethics, the ability to manage difficult people and conflicting demands of a job etc. Those are also the kind of jobs most newbies end up doing to supplement the min wage (and freelance) work they'll be doing at the start of their career.
It's ferociously competitive and I'd worry that someone who's had everything, and some, handed to her like you are is unlikely to have the fight to make it. Honestly, I don't think you are doing her many favours in the long run throwing so much money at her at this point in her life. Where are the life skills learned through budgeting, or juggling want vs need time demands?

MrsRachelDanvers · 10/07/2023 12:41

Wow. Some of my friends’ kids are very privileged and have gone into prestigious jobs. Not one of those kids spent their whole uni life including holidays without doing paid work. One daughter worked at Lords during summer, another coached young kids in her sport, another cleaned halls. You’re not doing her any favours by organising everything for her and funding absolutely everything. What does she actually think about getting a job instead of her mum smoothing everything out for her?

WarriorWalrus · 10/07/2023 12:42

Twentytwothousand · 10/07/2023 12:37

It can’t be £350 a week for accommodation- £180 is more usual in halls. Why can’t she get a job? You’re contradicting yourselves - on one hand teach her responsibility on the other pay for absolutely everything 😂

Definitely is £350, I've already said which university so anyone doubting me could check the costs of each of their halls. I won't say which residence it is but the information is available online.
I think it is possible to teach her to budget without her having to struggle.

Post has taught me perhaps her loan and maybe us covering the cost of sports should be enough. I will push back on the term-time job though, I don't want her to end up burnt out. I think the issue is more that so many do have to struggle their way through uni, I wish it wasn't like this.
DD has always said as she is used to having nicer stuff etc. she has more of an incentive to work hard to keep it, if she got comfortable less she would lose the incentive to work as hard.

OP posts:
MasterBeth · 10/07/2023 12:42

WarriorWalrus · 10/07/2023 12:36

It is just this summer she is travelling, I expect she will want holidays, trips with sports teams etc. but not full summers interrailing going forward. She has had a summer job/seasonal weekend job the last two years, she can return to this on holidays if she wishes.

I bet she does want lots of summer holidays and overseas sports trips (i.e. more holidays). Me too. Unfortunately, no-one's subsidising me...

Catspyjamas17 · 10/07/2023 12:42

For those who are aghast at £500 a month when you actually work out what the suggested parental top up is for the maintenance loan if you get the minimum, it is more than £500 a month over an academic year -the loan is £4,651, so the government is suggesting parents top up over £5,000 a year, and an academic year is ten months at the most.

Obviously with some (but not all) courses the student can get a part time job- DD1 currently earns about £5,000 a year plus from working part time in a job she's had since she was 16. The loan will pay for most of her accommodation fees but not even all of that.

I'm pretty sure I spent £5,000+ a year as a student in the 1990s, so £10k a year now wouldn't be that surprising- and I've no idea in London, I went to university in one of the cheapest parts of the country. The difference then was I got almost a full grant and that paid for accommodation and books, the loan was about £1,000, and I got a job in the holidays. My parents hardly had to give me anything, which was a good job really as they were on a low income and had a lot of debt.

WarriorWalrus · 10/07/2023 12:43

MrsRachelDanvers · 10/07/2023 12:41

Wow. Some of my friends’ kids are very privileged and have gone into prestigious jobs. Not one of those kids spent their whole uni life including holidays without doing paid work. One daughter worked at Lords during summer, another coached young kids in her sport, another cleaned halls. You’re not doing her any favours by organising everything for her and funding absolutely everything. What does she actually think about getting a job instead of her mum smoothing everything out for her?

As I have said she has had a summer job the last 2 years, she can go back to this if she wishes.

OP posts:
maddiemookins16mum · 10/07/2023 12:44

Coronationstation · 10/07/2023 11:42

£500 a month sounds quite generous for an 18yr to cover food and socializing to me!

Sure does, some families don’t have this!!

DogInATent · 10/07/2023 12:46

You want your daughter to be able to budget, but can you budget if you're asking this question?

Surely it's a simple matter to sit down with her and work out a reasonable budget together. One that covers the basics (accomodation, food, books, public transport, etc) and has a modest social budget. Treat the sport you want to support as a seperate matter. Give her a little bit extra to settle in at the start, then review the budget with her at the end of each term.

If her GPs are covering the rent, she should be able to live on quite a modest budget. Even in London.

BillyNoM8s · 10/07/2023 12:46

You clearly have a high level of disposable income so does this really need to be a question? Just give her a termly or yearly lump to cover everything and let her get on with managing it. Termly probably best if you aren't sure how well she manages funds.

If she runs out if money it sounds like you'll be well placed to top her up and reassess her needs.

I understand people's shock at what you're willing to cover but also get why you'd fund everything if you can. It does highlight the stark difference in opportunities some kids have though.

It's important that she learns some form of work ethic, so she really does need to be doing some form of internship/volunteering if she doesn't have a paying job, otherwise she'll exit the other end as a useless lump, waiting for you to fund her masters and doctorate.

You can't expect many people on here (or many of her peers) to relate to your financial circs.

Dixiechickonhols · 10/07/2023 12:47

Twentytwothousand · 10/07/2023 12:37

It can’t be £350 a week for accommodation- £180 is more usual in halls. Why can’t she get a job? You’re contradicting yourselves - on one hand teach her responsibility on the other pay for absolutely everything 😂

The 2 in London we’ve seen last 2 weeks (Kings and UCL) had nothing below £200 for self catered halls. 40 week contract I believe.

My dc’s maintenance loan in London will be £6485 (minimum) So even cheapest uni accommodation is less than her loan.

DD's uni costs
rozzyraspberry · 10/07/2023 12:47

We have 2 at uni and pay their accommodation and £200 per month to cover food and bills. Socialising and anything extra they pay from savings from summer work.

AffIt · 10/07/2023 12:48

I think the issue is more that so many do have to struggle their way through uni, I wish it wasn't like this.

OP, you're not listening: yes, there are a few posters on here who are a bit 'I walked 27 miles to lectures and it were uphill both ways', but for the vast majority of us, having a job wasn't about 'struggling', it was part of the uni experience.

University isn't just about exams and qualifications: it's an opportunity to learn and grow as an adult, and that includes managing your time, cutting your cloth to suit your pocket, meeting and getting on with people from outwith your immediate social circle or background and doing things you don't necessarily want to, because all of those are life skills.

Endlesssummerof76 · 10/07/2023 12:48

Gerrataere · 10/07/2023 11:32

Gosh, at what point is your daughter going to have any sort of reality check about adult life exactly? Seems she’s having everything bar a housekeeper paid for her…

She doesn't need a reality check. If she's lucky enough to have family members who can afford to fund her and are happy to do so, she can enjoy university life and have fun. Sounds like she'll have an amazing time.

Sissynova · 10/07/2023 12:48

WarriorWalrus · 10/07/2023 12:43

As I have said she has had a summer job the last 2 years, she can go back to this if she wishes.

Then if she works in the summer she only has to stretch her loan to 10 months, which is how most students view it.
So £150 a week for food and socialising, which is really on the higher end.

Obviously it is your DD and your money, if you want to pay for her sports on top that's your decision but much more than that and you are entering the world of her being utterly pandered with no real world experience when she graduates and a huge downgrade on her lifestyle when she finishes uni, unless you plan to top up her wages forever.

Phphion · 10/07/2023 12:49
honeylulu · 10/07/2023 12:50

But parents are expected to contribute in line with their income levels. Martin Lewis site has a calculator for what contribution parents are expected to make although another poster above has helpfully provided the figures. Full maintenance loan in London is £13,002. She’s getting minimum £6485 so parents expected to pay £6517 a year to bring her up to same level as someone getting a full loan. It's very kind of the grandparents to offer to pay the rent but that ought really be part of the 6517 not on top! Otherwise she's 350 a week better off than anyone else following the calculations! She really ought to be able to manage on the total figure though and if she wants any extra for special hobbies etc then yes she should get a part time job for that. But I don't agree with the posters saying she should be earning and supporting herself. The reason she can't get a full loan is because parents on a certain income ARE expected to contribute. To fully support herself she'd have to work full time but she's supposed to be doing a full time degree! Contact time is lower in the arts but that is too allow for the colossal amount of reading you are meant to do. I was lucky and went to uni before loans were a thing but I got no maintenance grant and my parents did support me with the equivalent - they wanted me to go to uni and didn't resent it. I did work part time to earn extra money for stuff like clothes, gig tickets and a bit of travelling in the holidays. I did not end up useless and entitled. I've worked very hard and have a successful career. Apart from a small contribution to my wedding I didn't receive nor expect any further funds from my parents after graduation.

HelloVeritas · 10/07/2023 12:50

We covered each of our children's rent. Then uni books, travel costs for flying/train home and a decent winter coat, walking boots etc for getting out and about. Occasional food parcel too. But for everything else, they were expected to get part time work to cover clothes/going out etc

Diamond7272 · 10/07/2023 12:51

You don't want her 'burnt out' from the first year of a BA in journalism... And after enjoying family hols in-between terms?

Jesus wept.

Please, please can we filter out graduates like this over the ones with genuine grit, pluck and reality of life.... There just aren't enough top graduate jobs out there for this mass of youngsters, and let's get away from this constant leg up from birth to adulthood... it's so unfair.

Op: please give your daughter £50,000 per year. Give her everything. BMW first car, Rolex first watch, that kind of thing. It may be the best way to give someone else more chance of that journalism career😊

dinmin · 10/07/2023 12:51

Haven’t RTFT but look at this if it hasn’t already been suggested.

https://www.moneysavingexpert.com/students/student-loan-parental-contribution-tool/guide/

RhosynBach · 10/07/2023 12:51

Seasonal work in a cafe isn’t going to look like much on her cv when she graduates. She needs to get a job like many uni students to gain the skills needed for the real world. It’s nice everyone in the family is quite rich and willing to give her lots of money but there’s pride to be had in standing on your own two feet and making your own way with your own money. It teaches independence, determination, confidence and the importance of hard work. I would say maintenance loan and a job would be fine and maybe some extra from you for her sport. But socialising and food should be easily done on £500 a month plus a part time job.

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