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AIBU?

DD's uni costs

753 replies

WarriorWalrus · 10/07/2023 11:26

DD1 is 17, 18 at the start of August. DH and I can't agree on what costs we should be covering while she is at uni and what she should budget for herself.
Due to our income DD only qualifies for the most basic maintenance loan. We have savings for her, so it won't be out of our monthly income (though I intend to keep putting money into her savings while she is at uni). Her grandparents have offered to pay for her accommodation (£350 a week).
So far we haven't figure out how much her monthly allowance from us will be, but we disagree on what this should cover. DH thinks the amount we set should cover everything, food, clothes, socialising, club fees, holidays etc.
I think food, socialising and day to day clothes sure, but she plans to join one of the sports teams so I think we should pay for the initial registration cost and kit costs, allow her to use money from the savings for travel, she currently gets private coaching in her sport, I think we should pay for this to continue at uni (I know she wants it to) and step in with extra money for more expensive clothes for events or such.
We don't want her to and she doesn't intend to get a job (Uni, Socialising, Sport and extra work to help future career should take up most of her time). But we do want to teach her to budget.
AIBU to think the additional things should be covered by us, anyone with Uni aged kids got a rough idea of how much she will need monthly?

OP posts:

Am I being unreasonable?

557 votes. Final results.

POLL
You are being unreasonable
82%
You are NOT being unreasonable
18%
Dixiechickonhols · 10/07/2023 12:25

Full maintenance loan in London is £13,002. She’s getting minimum £6485 so parents expected to pay £6517 a year to bring her up to same level as someone getting a full loan.
If it’s a 40 week accommodation contract at £350 a week her grandparents are contributing £14,000 so she’s getting another £7500 over loan so almost £20,000 a year.
Even if not working in term time there’s holidays. What is she going now? Most yr 13s have 3 months off before uni to build some money up.
If she’s sporty then there’s often opportunities to work at kids summer camps, refereeing junior games etc.
No paid work is a massive red flag.
I’ve been to ucl and kings open days recently with dc and their halls were £220 to £320 a week self catering on a 40 week contract.

Sissynova · 10/07/2023 12:25

WarriorWalrus · 10/07/2023 12:21

She has been working in a local cafe (we live in a touristy area so seasonal demand) on weekends, and in holidays since just before she turned 16. Certainly don't think anything is below her, just when will she have the time!!

She will have nothing but time.
For a history BA she will probably only have about 8 hrs per week class time.

FlissyPaps · 10/07/2023 12:25

WarriorWalrus · 10/07/2023 12:21

She has been working in a local cafe (we live in a touristy area so seasonal demand) on weekends, and in holidays since just before she turned 16. Certainly don't think anything is below her, just when will she have the time!!

Something will need to give. She will need to make time.

I graduated uni in 2018. I worked part time in a shopping centre on evenings and at weekends. I still had plenty of time to revise, socialise and do extra activities.

You’re really setting her up for a life of self-entitlement if you believe a uni student is too busy to get a part time job to help fund her studies. 🙄

Seeline · 10/07/2023 12:25

WarriorWalrus · 10/07/2023 12:21

She has been working in a local cafe (we live in a touristy area so seasonal demand) on weekends, and in holidays since just before she turned 16. Certainly don't think anything is below her, just when will she have the time!!

Seriously - nearly all students work, either term time and/or holiday work.
Have you seen how many contact hours her course gives? 10/12 a week probably. Yes, she will need to self study on top, but there will still be time for a shift or two.

WarriorWalrus · 10/07/2023 12:26

GCAcademic · 10/07/2023 12:24

Certainly don't think anything is below her, just when will she have the time!!

She's doing a History degree. I teach a similar subject and plenty of our students work. It's not like she's doing a medicine degree with full-time hours, clinical placements, etc.

Its not just the degree though, it is sports too, her sport is a massive deal to her, she has the potential to go for, has competed regionally, nationally and even internationally a couple of times at junior level. She doesn't want her sport to suffer so time on the team, competitions, training etc. is just as important to her.

OP posts:
AffIt · 10/07/2023 12:26

Certainly don't think anything is below her, just when will she have the time!!

On a Friday / Saturday / Sunday, like the rest of us did when we were students. It's relatively easy to squeeze a couple of eight-hour shifts into a weekend, especially if you're in Central London with plenty of opportunities for retail / hospitality / housekeeping jobs.

RosesAndHellebores · 10/07/2023 12:28

@WarriorWalrus we paid our dc's rent. We gave them the equivalent of the basic maintenance loan at the start of each term because their rent was found and let them get on with it. I paid for their phones and probably treated them to clothes from time to time.

We paid their uni fees so they don't have student loans.

They worked in the holidays. DS edited a student paper. They budgeted pretty well - dd managed to keep her riding going.

What they end up doing at 21 will be miles away from what they intended in all likelihood.

Give her her wings, let her fly, let her fall, let her learn by picking herself up and dusting herself down.

Mine did not work during term time - it did prevent them from becoming fully functional adults with a fab work ethic.

GCAcademic · 10/07/2023 12:28

AffIt · 10/07/2023 12:24

The career she wants will involve building industry specific experience which is going to be unpaid for the most part.

Look into this very closely - I work in international management consultancy (fintech) and we pay our interns, as do most of our competitors, because nobody wants to be 'that firm' exploiting what is effectively modern day slavery.

Unpaid internships / work experiences are becoming less and less common.

My university (RG) actually won't allow employers to advertise unpaid internships through our networks. If anyone gets in touch trying to do so, the careers service or academic department tries to persuade them to offer an appropriate level of payment and, if they won't, they are robustly told why we won't advertise the position.

GladAllOver · 10/07/2023 12:28

We looked into it, she will not have the time

This is exactly the point. She is an adult now and should be making her own decisions on what she can and can't afford. That's not your job any more. If you keep paying for all her nice-to-haves she will never learn to be financially responsible. You are not doing her any favours.

TedMullins · 10/07/2023 12:28

Also, a MASSIVE skill needed to be a journalist is initiative and resilience, especially if she wants to do investigative journalism, she might encounter some distressing and difficult stories and people who actively want to hinder her investigations. You also need a good idea of how the world works. How’s she going to develop any of this if everything is handed to her on a plate?

WarriorWalrus · 10/07/2023 12:28

Dixiechickonhols · 10/07/2023 12:25

Full maintenance loan in London is £13,002. She’s getting minimum £6485 so parents expected to pay £6517 a year to bring her up to same level as someone getting a full loan.
If it’s a 40 week accommodation contract at £350 a week her grandparents are contributing £14,000 so she’s getting another £7500 over loan so almost £20,000 a year.
Even if not working in term time there’s holidays. What is she going now? Most yr 13s have 3 months off before uni to build some money up.
If she’s sporty then there’s often opportunities to work at kids summer camps, refereeing junior games etc.
No paid work is a massive red flag.
I’ve been to ucl and kings open days recently with dc and their halls were £220 to £320 a week self catering on a 40 week contract.

This is Kings, £350 might be the most expensive? But she missed out on some of the others chose the one she has for location, proximity to social spots etc.

OP posts:
RosesAndHellebores · 10/07/2023 12:29

Did not :)

Diamond7272 · 10/07/2023 12:30

The op is perfectly entitled to spend her money on her daughter if she wants to this way...

But, society is changing... And these huge (unfair) 'legs up' in life are becoming less acceptable and even if employers don't say it or have a policy on it, everyone knows there's a big difference between what your daughter achieves and what someone with a very basic start in life achieves.

In my time it was the 'gap yah' where my contemporaries 'Raised' £3000 for an environmental charity in the Maldives or Caribbean.... Then mapped a reef with other private school types. Naturally they all said how hard they'd worked to 'raise' the funds at interviews. In reality, on Coco Bella reef in 1999, they laughed with Eton George and benenden Octavia how daddy had written out a cheque for walking the family dog around the village... (In the days of courts cheques)

I'm tired of nepo babies and the massive gap between rich and poor, starting at such young ages. It's so damn unfair on talented but poor youngsters.

Urgh

SchoolQuestionnaire · 10/07/2023 12:30

My kids are privileged but I think it’s hugely important that they work. My eldest isn’t at uni yet but he’s in 6th form, very sporty and still manages to hold down a part time job. He doesn’t have to work, we can afford to support him but the fact that he chose to makes me proud. He’s learning key skills such as conversation, helping people, responsibility and time management. I’m unsure if he’ll continue to work during term time as some of the unis he’s applied to discourage this, but I would expect him to work through the holidays as a minimum. His employer has said that they are happy for him to return every holiday.

We’ll be funding ds's accommodation and fees (which I think is more than generous compared to what some dc get). The rest is up to him. It’s not up to us to fund his social life. Fortunately he’s keen to learn how to be an adult and actually wants to make his own way.

I’m beginning to understand why we have such a problem with unsuitable graduate trainees who think the world owes them a living. Why would they not when that’s what their parents have consistently shown them?

You don’t realise that are setting your dd up to fail in the real world and hindering her growth. I completely understand wanting to make your dc’s life easier, I want that too, but you can give them too much. My dc have been raised in a bubble - much like yours I’d imagine- so it’s even more important that they understand as they get older that real life isn’t like that. Other people won’t want to make allowances for them and give them the advantages that we do. That doesn’t mean abandoning them, it just means not giving them absolutely everything on a plate.

Dixiechickonhols · 10/07/2023 12:30

No paid work just travelling in hols isn’t norm.
If she’s busy term time with sports all the more important to build up some money in hols. Uni students get lots of holidays.

GCAcademic · 10/07/2023 12:31

Not sure what you want from this thread, OP? You say you want to teach her how to budget, but it doesn't actually sound like you do.

LivinDaylights · 10/07/2023 12:31

I think this post explains why many recent graduates are the way they are. Mummy and Daddy funding everything, precious Cordelia can't possible do any work, she must play 12 sports and focus all her energy into her studies. Reality is she's out 4 times a week living the life of Riley, they get onto the grad scheme with their 2.1, they are work shy, lazy and have an attitude problem as they don't like being told what to do, they aren't used to "no". Happens a lot.

Maybe she could work every holiday? I worked every holiday plus 2 shifts a week at uni too. I think it's important that she learns the value of money rather than having everything handed on a plate. If she worked all summer she could put away a few grand working full time, that would help towards her personal spends for clothes/socialising.

WarriorWalrus · 10/07/2023 12:32

RosesAndHellebores · 10/07/2023 12:29

Did not :)

I didn't realise their would be such pressure for her to work term-time!! I didn't and I have turned out just fine!
The Cafe she has worked at the last two summers are always looking for seasonal employees so I'm sure if she wanted she could go back there in holidays.

OP posts:
krustykittens · 10/07/2023 12:32

I agree with a lot of what you are saying, OP, who wants to see their kids struggle? My daughter is also very good at a sport and I would always cough up for the coaching so she can can continue to enjoy it. She will never do it professionally but it is her passion and adds to her quality of life.

BUT I would also say a little bit of struggle is good for them. It teaches them the value of money, it teaches them to appreciate how hard life can be and that a lot of people do not escape the struggle and it makes them appreciate their successes so much more. It also makes them hungrier for success and I can tell you, as a journalist, she is going to need that hunger if she wants to succeed in a profession that is hugely overstaffed and poorly paid.

You are making sure she can get her education, have food in her belly and a safe, secure roof over her head and a sport she loves. Expensive clothes, holidays and socialising she can get through working for them. If she is good enough, she will get paid work as a journalist.

KeepSmiling89 · 10/07/2023 12:34

We don't want her to and she doesn't intend to get a job (Uni, Socialising, Sport and extra work to help future career should take up most of her time). But we do want to teach her to budget

What's wrong with a wee part time job to help her learn a bit of independence and budgeting? I had a part time job throughout my undergrad and postgrad degree and still managed to fit in going to the gym...sometimes 5 days a week! My postgrad also involved placements where I would have to be up at 5.30am to catch a train.

ShouldIStaySelfIsolated · 10/07/2023 12:34

Jesus wept!

I did a similar degree at a Russel Group uni. Didnt live in, so had commuting time on top, and worked full time in shifts around my studies.

Smaller loan as not at uni accommodation, obviously, and had to pay board at home. You are setting her up to fail or be one of those entitled adults who can't understand the real world. Honestly, you are doing her no favours as when she leaves uni, she will get a massive shock unless, like other pp have said, you are going to continue to fund her in perpetuity.

My friend is like this. Parents paid for everything at uni and even now, in her 40s, they pay for her holidays, and various other house expenses. She is tremendously tone deaf wrt cost of living etc

Lavender14 · 10/07/2023 12:35

The vast majority of students have a part time job now of some description. So unless she's studying a particularly labour intensive job I'd suggest she gets a job for one day a week to give her that experience for her cv as her peers will have it. I'd cover her sports team, basic clothes, and basic bills for her but I'd not be covering socialising etc I think that should be something she budgets for out of the money she earns from her part time job. I think this is a chance for her to yes, get education and work experience, but also to develop real life skills. Her peers will be doing the same and it's all part of the learning curve into independence. You're covering much much much more than my parents did. I was expected to cover everything on my basic student loan and they only topped up the accommodation costs. I worked at the weekend, did voluntary work a few evenings a week, studied and socialised. Budgeting time is as important as budgeting money and I'm vastly more independent than my sister who lived at home while studying and had it all paid for her. I'd suggest taking the money you'd pay her and put it in a savings account instead. Then she'll get the life experience and lessons and the money you want to give will be there for her to go towards a house or car etc.

ShouldIStaySelfIsolated · 10/07/2023 12:35

LivinDaylights · 10/07/2023 12:31

I think this post explains why many recent graduates are the way they are. Mummy and Daddy funding everything, precious Cordelia can't possible do any work, she must play 12 sports and focus all her energy into her studies. Reality is she's out 4 times a week living the life of Riley, they get onto the grad scheme with their 2.1, they are work shy, lazy and have an attitude problem as they don't like being told what to do, they aren't used to "no". Happens a lot.

Maybe she could work every holiday? I worked every holiday plus 2 shifts a week at uni too. I think it's important that she learns the value of money rather than having everything handed on a plate. If she worked all summer she could put away a few grand working full time, that would help towards her personal spends for clothes/socialising.

100% agree

WarriorWalrus · 10/07/2023 12:36

Dixiechickonhols · 10/07/2023 12:30

No paid work just travelling in hols isn’t norm.
If she’s busy term time with sports all the more important to build up some money in hols. Uni students get lots of holidays.

It is just this summer she is travelling, I expect she will want holidays, trips with sports teams etc. but not full summers interrailing going forward. She has had a summer job/seasonal weekend job the last two years, she can return to this on holidays if she wishes.

OP posts:
Twentytwothousand · 10/07/2023 12:37

It can’t be £350 a week for accommodation- £180 is more usual in halls. Why can’t she get a job? You’re contradicting yourselves - on one hand teach her responsibility on the other pay for absolutely everything 😂

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