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AIBU?

DD's uni costs

753 replies

WarriorWalrus · 10/07/2023 11:26

DD1 is 17, 18 at the start of August. DH and I can't agree on what costs we should be covering while she is at uni and what she should budget for herself.
Due to our income DD only qualifies for the most basic maintenance loan. We have savings for her, so it won't be out of our monthly income (though I intend to keep putting money into her savings while she is at uni). Her grandparents have offered to pay for her accommodation (£350 a week).
So far we haven't figure out how much her monthly allowance from us will be, but we disagree on what this should cover. DH thinks the amount we set should cover everything, food, clothes, socialising, club fees, holidays etc.
I think food, socialising and day to day clothes sure, but she plans to join one of the sports teams so I think we should pay for the initial registration cost and kit costs, allow her to use money from the savings for travel, she currently gets private coaching in her sport, I think we should pay for this to continue at uni (I know she wants it to) and step in with extra money for more expensive clothes for events or such.
We don't want her to and she doesn't intend to get a job (Uni, Socialising, Sport and extra work to help future career should take up most of her time). But we do want to teach her to budget.
AIBU to think the additional things should be covered by us, anyone with Uni aged kids got a rough idea of how much she will need monthly?

OP posts:

Am I being unreasonable?

557 votes. Final results.

POLL
You are being unreasonable
82%
You are NOT being unreasonable
18%
Sissynova · 10/07/2023 11:48

I honestly think you're never going to teach her to be a fincially secure adult by covering her every whim.

£500 a month for student food and socialising is pretty standard really.
If her GP are paying a huge amount for her to live in central london then she will have minimal travel costs.

 The career she wants will involve building industry specific experience which is going to be unpaid for the most part.
Are you sure? Many many industries are rejecting unpaid internships these days.

She could easily have time for a shift or two a week. It sounds like you baby her.

LlynTegid · 10/07/2023 11:49

I think you ought to consider deferring for a year, and in the mean time look at lower cost options for accommodation (public transport is frequent even in the evenings) and for your DD to work to build up some more money to support her time in uni.

TedMullins · 10/07/2023 11:50

WarriorWalrus · 10/07/2023 11:38

She is going to Uni in london, the is uni halls in a cluster flat!! Crazy I know!!
Her maintenance loan will only be £500 a month when divided up, I don't know how she would cover, sports, food, socialising etc. on that.

Only?! This is many working adults’ monthly disposable income after food and bills! And it’s a huge amount for a student. She doesn’t need any more giving to her, she needs to learn to budget on what she’s got

GCAcademic · 10/07/2023 11:50

You do realise that some of your DD's lecturers will be surviving on less than £500 a month after they've paid their rent in London?

FictionalCharacter · 10/07/2023 11:51

Curtains70 · 10/07/2023 11:39

Don't you just give her the difference between the basic loan and the full loan (paid in whatever installments work for you) and she just budgets it?

Alot of that difference will be the accommodation costs which are already covered surely?

Exactly. Keep it simple. That’s what we do.
I still pay for dc’s mobile phone contract and travel home at the beginning and end of the terms. Everything else, they budget for out of their termly income - which is equal to the maximum loan, but made up of the loan they actually get plus the difference that we pay.

WarriorWalrus · 10/07/2023 11:53

Gerrataere · 10/07/2023 11:46

How do you think those from families who can’t/won’t pay towards uni manage? Believe me you’re doing her little favours on many levels here, she’ll be seen as a spoiled princess by the end of freshers for one. Budget for the essentials, food shopping at the cheapest places, clothes do not need to be fancy, work out the cost of text books (because that one will probably be a shocker), any extras should come out of the very set budget or she finds a job. Just remember, when you’re going to uni you go as your own person, not a representation of your parents wealth.

Honestly, I have no idea, when I went to uni I lived at home, had most covered for me by parents. I'm sure it isn't easy.
However, I worked hard to get to where I am, make the money I do, as did DH. If our children can't directly benefit from that, I'm not sure it was worth it. I don't want DD to struggle, I wouldn't see her struggle after uni so not sure why I should while she is there. She is smart, confident and self-sufficient in many ways , but I want her to be able to look back on Uni as a positive experience. Private coaching will be up to £250 a month, I don't see how she could afford that and everything else. I want her to travel and see the world, go out with friends.
I didn't work my arse off for DD to be struggling by, she can learn to budget without struggling, I don't understand why anyone with the means to stop it would let their child struggle.

OP posts:
Overthebow · 10/07/2023 11:54

WarriorWalrus · 10/07/2023 11:38

She is going to Uni in london, the is uni halls in a cluster flat!! Crazy I know!!
Her maintenance loan will only be £500 a month when divided up, I don't know how she would cover, sports, food, socialising etc. on that.

£500 a month is plenty, that’s more than £100 a week. If you really think she won’t manage on that then give her money for her sport, but £100 a week should be plenty for food and socialising. Can’t she get a holiday job to get some extra money too?

bravotango · 10/07/2023 11:55

£500 for food and socialising - blimey! I'd suggest saving a good chunk of that if she can - get a Monzo/Starling and stick £75 a week in for spends, the rest (£150-200) should go in a pot. If she's determined not to get a job then this will build up over the year to be enough to cover a holiday/sports trip. However, she should get a job - one shift a week in a coffee shop won't mean she has to sacrifice anything else and will teach her some important life lessons.

Luxell934 · 10/07/2023 11:55

WarriorWalrus · 10/07/2023 11:53

Honestly, I have no idea, when I went to uni I lived at home, had most covered for me by parents. I'm sure it isn't easy.
However, I worked hard to get to where I am, make the money I do, as did DH. If our children can't directly benefit from that, I'm not sure it was worth it. I don't want DD to struggle, I wouldn't see her struggle after uni so not sure why I should while she is there. She is smart, confident and self-sufficient in many ways , but I want her to be able to look back on Uni as a positive experience. Private coaching will be up to £250 a month, I don't see how she could afford that and everything else. I want her to travel and see the world, go out with friends.
I didn't work my arse off for DD to be struggling by, she can learn to budget without struggling, I don't understand why anyone with the means to stop it would let their child struggle.

If that’s the case then she will tell you how much money she needs/wants and you will give it to her. Simple.

Not sure why you bothered posting though.

MustBeThursday · 10/07/2023 11:55

£500 a month, so over £100 a week purely for food, clothes and socialising as rent and bills are covered, I'd say that's more than enough even without your contribution of an allowance. Is that across the year or just the months she's away at uni? Surely most others she meets will have way less than that. Private sports tutoring, I can see that could be a big expense so maybe you could fund that separately instead of an extra allowance.

WarriorWalrus · 10/07/2023 11:56

LlynTegid · 10/07/2023 11:49

I think you ought to consider deferring for a year, and in the mean time look at lower cost options for accommodation (public transport is frequent even in the evenings) and for your DD to work to build up some more money to support her time in uni.

Most of the halls that are specific to her uni are a similar amount or a little less, they have a scheme for low income students that reduces the cost I believe but DD won't qualify. I want her to live in halls, with other people at her uni, near her uni's social life.
She doesn't want to defer, she considered a year out for gap year but she decided against it in the end.

OP posts:
WarriorWalrus · 10/07/2023 11:57

Sissynova · 10/07/2023 11:48

I honestly think you're never going to teach her to be a fincially secure adult by covering her every whim.

£500 a month for student food and socialising is pretty standard really.
If her GP are paying a huge amount for her to live in central london then she will have minimal travel costs.

 The career she wants will involve building industry specific experience which is going to be unpaid for the most part.
Are you sure? Many many industries are rejecting unpaid internships these days.

She could easily have time for a shift or two a week. It sounds like you baby her.

Not so munch unpaid internships as freelance work, building a portfolio etc.

OP posts:
ILoveMyCaravan · 10/07/2023 11:57

My god, this all sounds completely ridiculous.

Both my kids at uni on full maintenance loans. They both work. The eldest even set up his own company in his first year. When attending interviews for grad jobs the most important thing has been his work experience and contacts he's made. I realise this depends on the type of work/course, but in all this he's learned to budget, cook healthy meals from scratch, paid for his own holidays and socialised. If we'd pampered him to the extent that you're planning for your daughter, he wouldn't be the well rounded and confident adult that he is now.

And from someone who was never really interested in sport, he has joined a racquets club, started running and joined a gym. All financed by himself.
OK he'll never represent his county at anything but he's doing it for pleasure and will hopefully stay with him for life. Oh sorry, we invested in some decent running shoes for him as he was wearing his old trainers.

Sissynova · 10/07/2023 11:57

I didn't work my arse off for DD to be struggling by, she can learn to budget without struggling, I don't understand why anyone with the means to stop it would let their child struggle.

There is a world between struggling and not spoiling adult children and setting them up to have unrealistic expectations. Are you planning on suplimenting your DD's income forever once she has graduated? Because she will have less money for socialising, holidays and private training on a graduate salary after paying for rent, bills, transport and food.

Seeline · 10/07/2023 11:58

We pay accommodation for our two and then they live off the minimum student loan. If you are in England, the minimum loan for London unis is more than elsewhere in the country.
One of mine has a p/t job in term time (and has often stayed in uni city over holidays to take extra shifts). The other has a holiday job. They get a lot of holiday......
We offer to pay society memberships, but then they have to pay for weekly sessions etc.
We also cover glasses/contact lenses/ phones

Gerrataere · 10/07/2023 11:58

WarriorWalrus · 10/07/2023 11:53

Honestly, I have no idea, when I went to uni I lived at home, had most covered for me by parents. I'm sure it isn't easy.
However, I worked hard to get to where I am, make the money I do, as did DH. If our children can't directly benefit from that, I'm not sure it was worth it. I don't want DD to struggle, I wouldn't see her struggle after uni so not sure why I should while she is there. She is smart, confident and self-sufficient in many ways , but I want her to be able to look back on Uni as a positive experience. Private coaching will be up to £250 a month, I don't see how she could afford that and everything else. I want her to travel and see the world, go out with friends.
I didn't work my arse off for DD to be struggling by, she can learn to budget without struggling, I don't understand why anyone with the means to stop it would let their child struggle.

With all due respect, you are overcompensating. Hugely. Part of becoming a fully well rounded person is struggling sometimes, certainly having to compromise. I stick by what I’m saying, you’re doing her no favours in the longterm handing her absolutely everything on a plate. What’s the plan after Uni/travelling? What if she wants to move to London full time? Will you be paying for a flat/everything then until ‘she’s on her feet’? Is there a stopping point to paying for literally everything for her?

dreamonlucid · 10/07/2023 11:58

I employe graduates straight from uni, the first thing I look for other than the degree(which is given) is jobs and work experience.

Customer facing, supermarkets, pubs bar jobs all get a massive uptick from me and the team employing.

If I got a CV even with a 1st degree but no job vs a 3rd with tons of jobs I'd choose the candidate with the 3rd.

Please dont underestimate how much she needs to get a job, even if it's not for money.

redskytwonight · 10/07/2023 11:59

If she has her rent covered then I would expect her to be able to live off the maintenance loan. Remember it only has to cover term time as she could/should work in holiday times.

RuthW · 10/07/2023 12:02

Look up how much the max load would be and top it up to that including the cost of accommodation.

My dd got the maximum loan, worked a bit and came out of uni with a profit so the max is more than enough.

Lastqueenofscotland2 · 10/07/2023 12:02

Is it architecture?

There is a huge difference between struggling and having £500pcm and realising you have to skip a night out. You’re setting her up to steuggle as an adult unless you’re planning on funding her whole life

Putdownthecake · 10/07/2023 12:02

It's not about making your daughter struggle but teaching an adult child the merits of hard work and paying your way in life. £500 a month is plenty! She also has very generous grandparents. Private coaching....respectfully if she was that good in the field, she'd not be studying a degree and pursuing the sport full time.
Every student should have the 'do I spend my last 20 on food or a night out' conversation with themselves. Teaches great budgeting, real life and mistakes equal learning.
She absolutely will have time for a job.

WarriorWalrus · 10/07/2023 12:04

Lastqueenofscotland2 · 10/07/2023 12:02

Is it architecture?

There is a huge difference between struggling and having £500pcm and realising you have to skip a night out. You’re setting her up to steuggle as an adult unless you’re planning on funding her whole life

Journalism, all the masters courses she has looked at require freelance experience, work on student publications etc.

OP posts:
DandelionBurdockAndGin · 10/07/2023 12:05

There's a expect parental contribution bit -

https://www.moneysavingexpert.com/students/student-loan-parental-contribution-tool/guide/

Yet this still isn’t made explicit, despite the Government making recent improvements to the wording of the loan letter.
At my TV roadshows I often hear parents complain: "It's a disgrace, the living loan isn't enough to cover their rent – I have to scrape up extra." These are usually parents whose offspring don't get the full loan. It isn't an accident – the "extra" is that hidden parental contribution.
One young student, desperately struggling on the minimum loan and unable to find work, asked me for help. I asked if his parents could afford to help and he said something akin to: "They can, but their view is I'm 18 now and at uni, and believe I should stand on my own two feet." They may well do, but the system doesn't. After I explained how it worked, his parents were shocked, and started to contribute.
The lack of transparency and clear guidance causes friction between students and parents. It also leaves some students in a dire position, with the risk of unmanageable debts or dropping out of university over cash flow issues.


Though the £350 a week from DGP may make that up or even exceed it - you'd have to look at the calculators.

Working is now the norm for university students - and recruiters have told DH - a university lecturer - they actually like to see work down doesn't matter what - just that they've held a job.

wherethecityis · 10/07/2023 12:07

I would work out the difference between the full loan, and the reduced amount she is entitled to and give her this amount as her spending money to cover all socialising and all clothes etc.
But I would pay for anything sports related separately.

redskytwonight · 10/07/2023 12:08

Also bear in mind that the expected parental contribution (in England) hasn't kept up with inflation. So I'd suggest you top up to the expected value + inflation (or use Wales student finance as a guide). But with £350 a week already, OP's DD is getting more than that

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