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AIBU?

DD's uni costs

753 replies

WarriorWalrus · 10/07/2023 11:26

DD1 is 17, 18 at the start of August. DH and I can't agree on what costs we should be covering while she is at uni and what she should budget for herself.
Due to our income DD only qualifies for the most basic maintenance loan. We have savings for her, so it won't be out of our monthly income (though I intend to keep putting money into her savings while she is at uni). Her grandparents have offered to pay for her accommodation (£350 a week).
So far we haven't figure out how much her monthly allowance from us will be, but we disagree on what this should cover. DH thinks the amount we set should cover everything, food, clothes, socialising, club fees, holidays etc.
I think food, socialising and day to day clothes sure, but she plans to join one of the sports teams so I think we should pay for the initial registration cost and kit costs, allow her to use money from the savings for travel, she currently gets private coaching in her sport, I think we should pay for this to continue at uni (I know she wants it to) and step in with extra money for more expensive clothes for events or such.
We don't want her to and she doesn't intend to get a job (Uni, Socialising, Sport and extra work to help future career should take up most of her time). But we do want to teach her to budget.
AIBU to think the additional things should be covered by us, anyone with Uni aged kids got a rough idea of how much she will need monthly?

OP posts:

Am I being unreasonable?

557 votes. Final results.

POLL
You are being unreasonable
82%
You are NOT being unreasonable
18%
Dishwashersaurous · 10/07/2023 12:52

Fair enough for no team time job. But she can work summer, Christmas and Easter. So approximately four months a year.

So she should be able to earn a few thousand in the holidays to then top up her grant.

£500 a month is extremely generous for food and socialising

Gerrataere · 10/07/2023 12:52

Endlesssummerof76 · 10/07/2023 12:48

She doesn't need a reality check. If she's lucky enough to have family members who can afford to fund her and are happy to do so, she can enjoy university life and have fun. Sounds like she'll have an amazing time.

Young adult who’s having her whole life paid for, including hobbies, until their 20s (at least) doesn’t need a reality check and certainly doesn’t need a job in Tesco. Ok sure.

Endlesssummerof76 · 10/07/2023 12:54

Gerrataere · 10/07/2023 12:52

Young adult who’s having her whole life paid for, including hobbies, until their 20s (at least) doesn’t need a reality check and certainly doesn’t need a job in Tesco. Ok sure.

Good for her. You sound very bitter.

ActDottie · 10/07/2023 12:54

£350 a week is madness. I think my uni was £80 a week and I was south east! And not that long ago.

She has two options for work:

  • get a part time job at uni
  • work during holidays back home

I did the latter so I could focus on uni work.
I do think she should get some kind of job to support her.

In terms of money from you my mum used to give me £100 a month to cover food only, I had to use my own money for everything else.
StrangeThingsAfoot · 10/07/2023 12:56

Since most people in the uk think a grown adult can easily live on less than this when claiming benefits, i am sure she will be fine!

Seeline · 10/07/2023 12:57

Catspyjamas17 · 10/07/2023 12:42

For those who are aghast at £500 a month when you actually work out what the suggested parental top up is for the maintenance loan if you get the minimum, it is more than £500 a month over an academic year -the loan is £4,651, so the government is suggesting parents top up over £5,000 a year, and an academic year is ten months at the most.

Obviously with some (but not all) courses the student can get a part time job- DD1 currently earns about £5,000 a year plus from working part time in a job she's had since she was 16. The loan will pay for most of her accommodation fees but not even all of that.

I'm pretty sure I spent £5,000+ a year as a student in the 1990s, so £10k a year now wouldn't be that surprising- and I've no idea in London, I went to university in one of the cheapest parts of the country. The difference then was I got almost a full grant and that paid for accommodation and books, the loan was about £1,000, and I got a job in the holidays. My parents hardly had to give me anything, which was a good job really as they were on a low income and had a lot of debt.

Yes - but the OP seems to be paying for most other stuff on top of the £500 a month, as well as the DD getting her accommodation paid, and getting minimum London loan.

thatsn0tmyname · 10/07/2023 12:58

She should work holidays and save to fund her clothing/ social life. My parents covered rent, I covered the rest.

Dixiechickonhols · 10/07/2023 12:58
Gerrataere · 10/07/2023 12:59

Endlesssummerof76 · 10/07/2023 12:54

Good for her. You sound very bitter.

Ah was just waiting for the ‘you’re just jealous’ post. Actually as it happens I didn’t need to get a job at uni, I lived off my loan and had a top up whenever needed. My friends who worked their arses off both in uni and work did much better post education. Money doesn’t make a better person and times really are changing. The op is making a rod for the daughters back purely on not wanting her to struggle like she did. I’m not putting the op down on that, no one wants to see their child struggling unnecessarily. But there has to be a compromise between living with almost nothing and been given absolutely everything and then some.

lieselotte · 10/07/2023 13:00

We pay my son's rent and he has some savings that he draws down £1K a term from to live on. Anything extra, he earns for himself and is working this summer.

hermioneee · 10/07/2023 13:00

Doesn't sound like she'll need to work in a cafe over summer so I can't imagine her choosing that over a nice holiday. I wouldn't if I could afford it.

I do think you need to encourage her in some way OP - and the best encouragement is her feeling that she needs to earn something to do the things she wants to do.
Not about struggling at all, just about setting her up in life. I've recruited grads into journalism. Humanities degrees and Masters are ten a penny. And each one of them apparently edited the uni newspaper.

lieselotte · 10/07/2023 13:01

 Actually as it happens I didn’t need to get a job at uni, I lived off my loan

So did I, although it was still a grant in my case. I still managed to become a functioning adult. Although I did do some paid work along the way, but I never had a full holiday job like some people did.

lieselotte · 10/07/2023 13:02

I've recruited grads into journalism. Humanities degrees and Masters are ten a penny. And each one of them apparently edited the uni newspaper

So what would you like them to have studied instead? Why are you so disparaging about humanities degrees?

And I actually WAS an editor on my student newspaper! In fact it taught me decent IT skills.

user1471600850 · 10/07/2023 13:03

Why don't you give her the equivalent of her maintenance loan to live on, so essentially another £500 per month but ask her to budget each month so that she doesn't go over that - this is what a friend of mine did. I have a daughter at uni in Manchester and we pay her accommodation and that's it - everything else she has to cover with her loan or her savings from a gap year. But I do understand that if you can afford it why would you not help her out just do it in a budgeted way rather than just giving her money whenever she wants it. London is expensive and probably not much fun if you are struggling but you don't really need to. Or even better use some of the money you might give her at the end of her degree to help her pay off some of the extortionate loan she will owe!!!!

ChateauMargaux · 10/07/2023 13:03

DS savings that we had paid into were for uni. We did a full budget of what he might need and then said if he wanted to do more, like travel or go to festivals etc, he had to either cover it from his socialising allowance or get a job to pay for it.

Barney60 · 10/07/2023 13:04

Handholdplease85 · Today 11:39
£500 a month is plenty if all bills are covered. £200 for food. The rest for fun. This is almost as much disposable income as we have for a family of 4.
You took the very words i was about to type.
This, £500 a month is a lot, whole familys budget on less, think if you spoil her at uni she will never learn how to run a household budget, which is part of uni life.

lalaloopyhead · 10/07/2023 13:05

I'm suprised you said Kings in your later post OP - my DD looked at Kings and the accomodation we looked at was pretty reasonable and no more than that charged by other UK unis we looked at, one of my worries being that London accomodation was going to be more expensive. The accomodation that we looked at was just the other side of the river - it was a couple of years ago to be fair and as I recall it was only about £150pw. £350pw seems extornatiate.

Anyway to your question - give as much as you can afford./think reasonable. As PPs have already said the maintenance loan itself is a reasonable amount to live on if you DD is not paying her own rent etc. If your daughter isn;'t going to work for whatever reason - part of the lesson of budgeting is surely that this luxury comes with an element of going without in other areas potenitally?

Dixiechickonhols · 10/07/2023 13:05

Even if she doesn’t need to work for money I do think some paid work not just a bit of part time in a local cafe is good experience and helpful on a cv or in interviews.
My niece worked in admin at a local council each summer, good experience for any type of office based work.
I was chatting to a new young colleague last week and she said her experience working in the co op during Covid (eg arguments about how many loo rolls) was helpful for dealing with difficult members of the public in her new role.

ZeldaWillTellYourFortune · 10/07/2023 13:06

No, no, no!

Lifelong journalist / editor here; do not let her waste time and money doing a journalism degree. Please.

News organizations (the few still hiring at a living wage) look for subject matter expertise.

She should train in something like nursing, economics, climate/sustainability, business/industry, any STEM, etc. As we say, "we can teach them to write. We need experts." We are not interested in journo degrees on a CV.

Gh12345 · 10/07/2023 13:06

Gerrataere · 10/07/2023 11:32

Gosh, at what point is your daughter going to have any sort of reality check about adult life exactly? Seems she’s having everything bar a housekeeper paid for her…

100% this.

dancinfeet · 10/07/2023 13:06

Find out what a low income family student on full maintenance loan would receive, and top her up to the equivalent. If she can’t manage in that tell her to get a job. You could still continue to save for her for when she leaves uni, but she needs to learn to stand on her own two feet.

pinksheetss · 10/07/2023 13:06

So grandparents do rent, you cover the private coaching and then she lives off the £500 loan
That should be more than enough to get by!

Diamond7272 · 10/07/2023 13:06

"times are a changing" (thank goodness)

As an ex private school teacher who watched the story of this post play out time after time after time, I look back and can't believe how much I wasted my life when the children of the rich were always going to work for daddy's friend Hamish in the City....

Everything was handed to them on a plate from day 1.

I'm sure this young woman is perfectly nice, but with fewer graduate jobs of all types out there she is not someone who's 'leg ups' I want to make a difference any more.... Giving her that way in over someone poor.

SimonsCow · 10/07/2023 13:07

Oh give over with the ‘sheltering her from the real world’ crap. Giving your children privilege and opportunities means that they can study and gain opportunities that means the ‘real world’ they enter is one of a high earning and fulfilling career.

My parents worked bloody hard to give me the opportunity to go to uni and travel the world. But they are not so stinking rich that I didn’t have to work hard and gain my own career. Now I’ve got a good job and will do the same for my children. I pay massive amounts in taxes and I don’t vote conservative.

Dixiechickonhols · 10/07/2023 13:08

lalaloopyhead · 10/07/2023 13:05

I'm suprised you said Kings in your later post OP - my DD looked at Kings and the accomodation we looked at was pretty reasonable and no more than that charged by other UK unis we looked at, one of my worries being that London accomodation was going to be more expensive. The accomodation that we looked at was just the other side of the river - it was a couple of years ago to be fair and as I recall it was only about £150pw. £350pw seems extornatiate.

Anyway to your question - give as much as you can afford./think reasonable. As PPs have already said the maintenance loan itself is a reasonable amount to live on if you DD is not paying her own rent etc. If your daughter isn;'t going to work for whatever reason - part of the lesson of budgeting is surely that this luxury comes with an element of going without in other areas potenitally?

I think uni accommodation costs have increased dramatically in recent years.
I’ve had a very frank conversation with mine about what choosing London will mean in terms of work/lifestyle. Most of her peers have been told no London unis (we are up north)
£350 is absolute top end accommodation though.

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