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AIBU?

DD's uni costs

753 replies

WarriorWalrus · 10/07/2023 11:26

DD1 is 17, 18 at the start of August. DH and I can't agree on what costs we should be covering while she is at uni and what she should budget for herself.
Due to our income DD only qualifies for the most basic maintenance loan. We have savings for her, so it won't be out of our monthly income (though I intend to keep putting money into her savings while she is at uni). Her grandparents have offered to pay for her accommodation (£350 a week).
So far we haven't figure out how much her monthly allowance from us will be, but we disagree on what this should cover. DH thinks the amount we set should cover everything, food, clothes, socialising, club fees, holidays etc.
I think food, socialising and day to day clothes sure, but she plans to join one of the sports teams so I think we should pay for the initial registration cost and kit costs, allow her to use money from the savings for travel, she currently gets private coaching in her sport, I think we should pay for this to continue at uni (I know she wants it to) and step in with extra money for more expensive clothes for events or such.
We don't want her to and she doesn't intend to get a job (Uni, Socialising, Sport and extra work to help future career should take up most of her time). But we do want to teach her to budget.
AIBU to think the additional things should be covered by us, anyone with Uni aged kids got a rough idea of how much she will need monthly?

OP posts:

Am I being unreasonable?

557 votes. Final results.

POLL
You are being unreasonable
82%
You are NOT being unreasonable
18%
WomblingTree86 · 16/07/2023 11:35

Xenia · 16/07/2023 10:07

Wombling, so did my grant letter say that in 1979.

You still have it!

Parker231 · 16/07/2023 11:39

WomblingTree86 · 15/07/2023 22:02

I think my letter from the local authority actually stated what their contribution would be and what the parental contribution would be. The fact that it was explicit meant most parents paid. It was expected and we thought really badly if anyone who didn't pay.

Not all parents can afford to top up the maintenance loan - large mortgage payments, other children etc.

WomblingTree86 · 16/07/2023 11:44

Parker231 · 16/07/2023 11:39

Not all parents can afford to top up the maintenance loan - large mortgage payments, other children etc.

They should take out a loan then. The amount they are asked to pay is based on their salary so would be able to get one. I saved money for my children's education and have no sympathy for parents on high salaries saying they can't contribute because they have chosen to spend their money on other things instead.

Parker231 · 16/07/2023 12:08

WomblingTree86 · 16/07/2023 11:44

They should take out a loan then. The amount they are asked to pay is based on their salary so would be able to get one. I saved money for my children's education and have no sympathy for parents on high salaries saying they can't contribute because they have chosen to spend their money on other things instead.

They aren’t necessarily high earners but families struggling to pay the mortgage and may have more than one child at Uni. One of the teachers at a school where I was a governor has three children at Uni, her husband has had to reduce his hours at work due to long Covid and their mortgage has increased dramatically. Not everyone is in a good financial position.

WomblingTree86 · 16/07/2023 12:34

Parker231 · 16/07/2023 12:08

They aren’t necessarily high earners but families struggling to pay the mortgage and may have more than one child at Uni. One of the teachers at a school where I was a governor has three children at Uni, her husband has had to reduce his hours at work due to long Covid and their mortgage has increased dramatically. Not everyone is in a good financial position.

Given that they are teachers they would probably have expected their children to go to university so could have and should have saved in advance so a drop in income wouldn't have a huge impact. And if their income is reduced the amount they would be expected to pay would probably be lower too.

TrishTrix · 16/07/2023 12:36

I initially wrote a slightly toxic post and then read the whole thread (lesson there!).

I think you have settled on a balanced approach - allowance for the main things and paying separately for sports coaching. My uni set were monied (not me!) and the ones who have done best in their adult careers were the ones who had to stick to their allowance. Several sets of parents really incentivised crappy holiday jobs by providing cars and stuff.

The person who swanned around using his Mums M&S chargecard to buy food and never worked in the holidays really struggled post Uni and took ages to get a graduate job/ move out of their comfortable house.

I know the southwark area well. It's easy to get to Waterloo. If she wants to make the tennis coaching work she will. Everyone talks about how "dangerous" areas like Barnes are but I tend to think it just reflects their own prejudices. As far as I know there isn't an epidemic of assaults / muggings round there. It is quite leafy and there aren't many pedestrians though.I cheerfully walk around that area when I go to visit my friends/ colleagues who live there. I'm often walking back to the station late.

This is very attitudinal. I have a close friend who gets an uber home from my flat (which is in SE1) as she feels unsafe. I would get the tube and walk from her station and do so if I return home from her flat at the equivalent time.

I think mugging wise there is more risk in central london where there has been a tonne of phone theft by young teens on bikes (do tell her to be careful around London bridge station). I'm always mindful of this and try very hard to keep my phone out of sight in this area and around Angel station which is another hot spot (she possibly won't go there much though).

Parker231 · 16/07/2023 12:37

@WomblingTree86 - her husband isn’t a teacher (works in office - admin role but now on reduced hours). but my friend has been a teacher for two years - previously a TA. They haven’t ever had the spare income to save for three lots of Uni contributions. Not everyone can.

WomblingTree86 · 16/07/2023 12:59

Parker231 · 16/07/2023 12:37

@WomblingTree86 - her husband isn’t a teacher (works in office - admin role but now on reduced hours). but my friend has been a teacher for two years - previously a TA. They haven’t ever had the spare income to save for three lots of Uni contributions. Not everyone can.

First you say their income has very recently decreased due to illness and that's why they can't pay the assessed amount out of their salary but now you are saying it's recently greatly increased and that's why they couldn't save.🤔  An amazingly inconvenient set of circumstances and I am sure it's not very usual. 

Parker231 · 16/07/2023 13:04

WomblingTree86 · 16/07/2023 12:59

First you say their income has very recently decreased due to illness and that's why they can't pay the assessed amount out of their salary but now you are saying it's recently greatly increased and that's why they couldn't save.🤔  An amazingly inconvenient set of circumstances and I am sure it's not very usual. 

Their income has increased by my friend recently retaining as a teacher (after many years on a very low TA salary) but they are struggling financially particularly now her husband is so unwell - they are not alone. Not everyone lives in the high disposable income world of many Mn posters.

WomblingTree86 · 16/07/2023 13:28

Parker231 · 16/07/2023 13:04

Their income has increased by my friend recently retaining as a teacher (after many years on a very low TA salary) but they are struggling financially particularly now her husband is so unwell - they are not alone. Not everyone lives in the high disposable income world of many Mn posters.

I appreciate that he is earning less but if she is earning much more than previously that would surely balance out if he wasn’t a high earner anyway. If not then they won't have to contribute much anyway. Also, if their three children have now left home, they don't have any dependents to feed/cloth. Presumably they paid for their children when they were living at home so I don't really see why they can't contribute anything now. 

Daphnis156 · 16/07/2023 13:42

Why are parents so over-involved when children go to college?
And where would she be living for £350 a week- a room in Chatsworth?
Of course heaven help if she found a job to help pay this!

I hope she doesn't end up being a total pain in college both to her family, and any friends she manages to make, with your over-involvement.

Parker231 · 16/07/2023 14:26

@WomblingTree86 - perhaps some acceptance that some families are really struggling and this is going to impact onto their DC’s at Uni ?

HerMammy · 16/07/2023 14:34

@Astsjakksmso
It's not a necessity that the student loan providers should take into account. That's the job of other benefits.
Oh I forgot about those hugely well paid benefits!! Nobody said it should be taken into account. Ffs do you have no compassion, the lad in question has obviously seen his mum struggle and tried to help her out.
Honestly, the amount of ppl living in their MC bubble is astounding.

notwavingbutdrowning1 · 16/07/2023 14:42

How is giving huge amounts to parents, leaving yourself very short, the same as giving a small amount to charity? 

He isn't giving huge amounts to parents, @WomblingTree86. He has £25 a week and he gives them some of that when he can. It's remarkable how on this thread £500 a month isn't considered very much when students come from a wealthy background but if they're poor, then a fraction of £25 is 'huge amounts' and they're expected to account for how they spend it.

And yes I'm completely aware of where the money for student loans comes from. As I asked before, would you be so censorious of the way pensioners spend their 'taxpayer funded' income?

I'm still gobsmacked that someone has read a thread about student hardship and all they have taken from it is 'how dare a student give his last few quid to his parents now and again?'

notwavingbutdrowning1 · 16/07/2023 14:45

I appreciate that he is earning less but if she is earning much more than previously that would surely balance out if he wasn’t a high earner anyway. If not then they won't have to contribute much anyway. Also, if their three children have now left home, they don't have any dependents to feed/cloth. Presumably they paid for their children when they were living at home so I don't really see why they can't contribute anything now. 

@WomblingTree86 seems to be an expert on everyone else's finances. And always concludes: they say they are struggling but I have just proved on Mumsnet that they're wrong.

WomblingTree86 · 16/07/2023 15:02

notwavingbutdrowning1 · 16/07/2023 14:42

How is giving huge amounts to parents, leaving yourself very short, the same as giving a small amount to charity? 

He isn't giving huge amounts to parents, @WomblingTree86. He has £25 a week and he gives them some of that when he can. It's remarkable how on this thread £500 a month isn't considered very much when students come from a wealthy background but if they're poor, then a fraction of £25 is 'huge amounts' and they're expected to account for how they spend it.

And yes I'm completely aware of where the money for student loans comes from. As I asked before, would you be so censorious of the way pensioners spend their 'taxpayer funded' income?

I'm still gobsmacked that someone has read a thread about student hardship and all they have taken from it is 'how dare a student give his last few quid to his parents now and again?'

As I have said repeatedly I am very sceptical that he only has 25 left after paying accommodation, utilites and food if he is on a full loan and lives in Birmingham. The figures are publicly available so pretty easy to work out that is bull shit. Secondly, I have never said 500 pounds isn't very much to live off each month. In fact you are the one who seems to think that given a student in Birmingham won't have much less if on a full loan after paying for accommodation.

lieselotte · 16/07/2023 15:04

Cluelessat33 · 13/07/2023 13:13

@lieselotte i think we both know there is a huge difference here. A one off unexpected expediture is completely different to funding their entire living costs.

Hmmm. I wonder how many people on here are SAHMs and having their entire living costs funded by their husbands. And yes, I know looking after the kids means their husbands can work to earn that money, but lets not be too hypocritical here please.

Cracklecrack · 16/07/2023 15:08

Admittedly I have no idea how much the basic loan is. But if her accommodation is paid for surely she just needs money for food and social stuff. Maintenance loan and a job for a few hours a week, if needed should cover that right?

notwavingbutdrowning1 · 16/07/2023 15:13

 I have said repeatedly I am very sceptical that he only has 25 left after paying accommodation, utilites and food if he is on a full loan and lives in Birmingham

Undermining and belittling the lived experience of working-class people on low incomes is a classic right-wing trope - usually practised by people who have never had to endure such circumstances themselves. ‘They’re not really poor’ or ‘it’s their own fault’ is how the well-off make themselves feel good about living in such a grotesquely unequal society.

Ohhelpicantthinkofaname · 16/07/2023 15:13

WomblingTree86 · 16/07/2023 11:44

They should take out a loan then. The amount they are asked to pay is based on their salary so would be able to get one. I saved money for my children's education and have no sympathy for parents on high salaries saying they can't contribute because they have chosen to spend their money on other things instead.

You hit the top bracket with two parents have two less than average full time wages. Hardly high earners. £58k is where you get the minimum maintenance loan.

so a household income of £58k a large mortgage and other financial commitments and giving your adult child hundreds of pounds a month becomes fairly tricky.

tbh we’re in this boat. Luckily DC will get a grant to due to the degree they are doing. But there’s no way we could be giving her more than a couple of hundred pounds a month at the moment.

TizerorFizz · 16/07/2023 15:35

@notwavingbutdrowning1 Are you really so gullible? Do you think everything you read as a “lived experience”
is true? Look at the sums. He should have way more than £25 a week available drom
probably £12,000 pa. Where is all the money going? Obviously expensive choices might account for it and giving it away, but I would hope anyone getting state finance spends it sensibly. If they do not, fair enough, but do not complain after “pissing it up the wall” that it’s not enough when others find it perfectly ok.

WomblingTree86 · 16/07/2023 15:52

notwavingbutdrowning1 · 16/07/2023 15:13

 I have said repeatedly I am very sceptical that he only has 25 left after paying accommodation, utilites and food if he is on a full loan and lives in Birmingham

Undermining and belittling the lived experience of working-class people on low incomes is a classic right-wing trope - usually practised by people who have never had to endure such circumstances themselves. ‘They’re not really poor’ or ‘it’s their own fault’ is how the well-off make themselves feel good about living in such a grotesquely unequal society.

I'm not undermining or belittling anyone. You are the one trying to do that as well as making up. It's a bit pathetic.

TizerorFizz · 16/07/2023 17:36

Well a good university degree opens up possibilities. So grab them.

Motheranddaughter · 16/07/2023 17:37

if at all possible parents should make up the loan to the maximum level
The number of people I hear who say they can’t afford it while driving flash cars and going on lots of expensive holidays

WomblingTree86 · 16/07/2023 17:41

Ohhelpicantthinkofaname · 16/07/2023 15:13

You hit the top bracket with two parents have two less than average full time wages. Hardly high earners. £58k is where you get the minimum maintenance loan.

so a household income of £58k a large mortgage and other financial commitments and giving your adult child hundreds of pounds a month becomes fairly tricky.

tbh we’re in this boat. Luckily DC will get a grant to due to the degree they are doing. But there’s no way we could be giving her more than a couple of hundred pounds a month at the moment.

For students on the minimum loan the minimum household income is 62k now. I think that is quite a high income and if people haven't saved it will generally be because the have chosen to spend the money on other things. People have had 18 years to do it after all. I appreciate that sometimes there may be circumstances beyond peoples control that have prevented this but I don't think that is usually the case. Even if it is, they will also be able to borrow some money to make up the difference in loan.

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