Leaving because he doesn't want more children- reasonable?

[Hansilo]

I know you can leave any relationship for any reason, I'm just curious if others have been in this position because I feel utterly shit daily about it and I don't know what to do.

I met H when I was 24 and he was 30, I was childless he wasn't. I told him from the start I wanted at least one child which we did then have 2 years ago. He has been saying for a long time that when things are better in a few years financially, space wise (need to move to a bigger house ideally) etc.. that he'd be open to having another.

Until this weekend when that's all changed and he's decided he doesn't, he's going to get the snip and that's that. I've said I don't know how I feel about that because I do think I'd want another child in the future and I thought we were on the same page of 'we will see when the time comes' (I definitely don't want another right now but I do think I may in a few years time which I though, because he told me so, he was open to as well).

I don't know what to do. I don't want him to get the snip. I don't want that to just be it and the end of any discussions. Obviously it's his choice and I completely respect that but I don't know where that leaves me in terms of my own choice to stay or go.

Things are a bit rocky between us right now and there have been times I've wanted to leave for other completely unrelated reasons but this just feels like a very big thing.

I'm not even 30 yet and I now have to accept thats it for children if I stay.

H thinks its totally unreasonable to leave over it and it makes me a terrible person who doesn't love him very much if I could leave over that. He thinks I should be content with having one child and be grateful that I even have that at all because he already had DC when we met so he didn't "need" more children, he agreed "for me" (which he absolutely did not say at the time we TTC our LO).

I just feel lost. I don't know what to do for the right. Obviously I have a young DC to consider too.

I just feel like a lot in our relationship is his way or the highway and he is never willing to compromise or see it from anyone else's POV. I understand this is his way because he shouldn't be made to have a child he doesn't want but he can't even understand or accept that it is hard for me to come to terms with, or see it from my POV that whilst obviously I accept its his choice, I am still allowed to feel upset by it. He thinks I'm completely unreasonable for having any sort of feeling about it.

My head is screaming at me to just get out, there are issues outside of this one, but this just feels like the cherry on top. But I have my child to think about too.

I think it's depends on how important it is for you to have a second. For me, had my DH done this, I would probably have left. I really wanted more than one child, had always been upfront abotu that and would have resented him forever otherwise. Others will tell you it's not ok to break up a family over a hypothetical child.

If you want more children and he doesn’t that’s totally fine to be a dealbreaker. The fact you said there are already issues and thought of leaving anyway make it’s more of a no brainier to leave.

Problem you’ve got is he will now tell everyone it’s because of a possibly future baby rather than him being a dick. Which makes him a bigger dick but yeah.

It sounds like there are lots of other issues as well; I don’t like what you said about his reaction either. Listen to yourself and get out

Yes I've already had the whole 'wow you love a hypothetical baby more than me' speech.

If you want another child, then please do not waste your precious fertile years on someone who is half-hearted about it.
Move on.
Sorry x

How many children does he have in total?

Leaving over a hypothetical child would be extreme if you were happy in the relationship as their no guarantee your going to meet someone else who wants kids. I would think about the other issues and if you really want to be with him. Having one child isn't the end of the world especially when the child already has a half sibling

If having another baby is higher on your priority list than your current family unit then go on ahead and end the relationship.

He is no more unreasonable or selfish than you are!

3 inc ours together

OP you poor thing. Tell us what other issues do you have? If you have considered leaving before it sounds like it was more than just a bad patch. I think your DH is being terribly unfair changing his mind like this, he is the one who has made it a deal breaker, not you. Even if he has doubts he should have another for you, God knows you'll be doing all the work anyhow.

For me how he has handled it speaks volumes about the state of your relationship and I think leaving is your best option

I don't think he's selfish or unreasonable for deciding to have no more children, I think he's unreasonable not to have a bit of compassion about how I feel about that.

As you say this is the cherry on the top of an unhappy situation. I'm not sure you should leave because you want to have another child , another man may or may not bring lots of new complexities and stresses to your life and to that of your child. But you should certainly leave to build a new life where you will be happier and this could be with a new partner who would be positive for you and your child.

He's gone about it in a very dickhead-ish fashion, but ultimately a child should be wanted by both parents and he's within his rights to not want another, just as you are within your rights to feel the opposite. Nobody is in the wrong here (regarding this issue, his general behaviour sucks).

The crucial difference is he already has other child(ren) so he is feeling stretched thin with responsibilities. Only you know if it's a deal breaker.

To be honest it's how he handles everything. You cannot disagree with him without it turning into an argument, as I say he's very my way or nothing. I struggle a lot to get him to see and have any sympathy for things from my POV.

Like I say I'm not saying he has to change his mind, all I want is a little sympathy that its a big deal for me. But he doesn't agree, thinks I have one child anyway so stop moaning basically.

He's entitled to not want any more children and to take whatever steps he wants to, with his body, to ensure that he doesn't have more
If you want more then it's a deal breaker.

I think a change of approach is a better way to speak to him. Put another baby to one side and concentrate on the other issues. Because it's those other issues that are the real problem in your relationship. You said yourself the no baby revelation was just the cherry on the cake.

Yes it is a big difference. And I obviously made a naive decision to get together with a man who already had children. I do think though that the responsibility is joint considering he also made the decision to be with a young childless woman who was upfront about wanting children.

He doesn’t have to have more children and you don’t have to stay. Tbh though I didn’t want more children DH did, he wouldn’t leave me over that. It sounds like you aren’t actually particularly happy either. I wouldn’t leave a happy stable loving marriage/family over additional children, especially where my current child is happy.

But I think you have other stuff thats going on here.

I think it's a tough one - if it was a happy relationship and this was the only actual issue, personally I wouldn't leave - there's no promise of a future child with a partner you haven't met yet, you may be unable to have another child, you may not meet someone else who wants DC, if it ever got out that this was the reason you separated I'd imagine there would be upset etc.

I do think it's totally fine for him to make the decision to get the snip, especially if he knows you want more and he now definitely doesn't. Taking birth control into his own hands is a sensible decision in this case rather than putting the responsibility onto you, when he knows you want more children.

I also think it's totally fine for it to add to all of the other reasons you want to leave him and make a decision based on the whole situation rather than this one issue.

If DH had decided after DC1 that he didn't want any more then I think I would have felt completely betrayed as that wasn't what we had previously agreed. I don't know if I would have left him or not but it would definitely have changed our relationship.

It sounds like this might just be the straw that breaks the camels back.

It is his handling. It is very callous. He has made a decision that has come out of nowhere for you and is very final, without discussing it.

If you had both discussed this, then that would be different. Being sad at the loss of a future you thought you both wanted is not unreasonable.

People do change their minds about wanting more/ fewer children - often due to life experiences - but in a healthy relationship that is discussed and decisions made with both of you aware of what that decision means. Yes, it is his choice - but no, you are not wrong for considering this/ the way he has gone about this a deal-breaker. The lack of open conversation is the big red flag in the room for me..

He's not being unreasonable not to want any more children (even if he previously said he might).

He is being very unreasonable to tell you that you're a terrible person and should be grateful to have one child. He can fuck right off! It's completely reasonable for you to want another child and to feel sad if that choice is taken away from you.

He sounds like an unpleasant person.