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Original poster

Leaving because he doesn't want more children- reasonable?

139 replies

Hansilo · 10/07/2023 08:16

I know you can leave any relationship for any reason, I'm just curious if others have been in this position because I feel utterly shit daily about it and I don't know what to do.

I met H when I was 24 and he was 30, I was childless he wasn't. I told him from the start I wanted at least one child which we did then have 2 years ago. He has been saying for a long time that when things are better in a few years financially, space wise (need to move to a bigger house ideally) etc.. that he'd be open to having another.

Until this weekend when that's all changed and he's decided he doesn't, he's going to get the snip and that's that. I've said I don't know how I feel about that because I do think I'd want another child in the future and I thought we were on the same page of 'we will see when the time comes' (I definitely don't want another right now but I do think I may in a few years time which I though, because he told me so, he was open to as well).

I don't know what to do. I don't want him to get the snip. I don't want that to just be it and the end of any discussions. Obviously it's his choice and I completely respect that but I don't know where that leaves me in terms of my own choice to stay or go.

Things are a bit rocky between us right now and there have been times I've wanted to leave for other completely unrelated reasons but this just feels like a very big thing.

I'm not even 30 yet and I now have to accept thats it for children if I stay.

H thinks its totally unreasonable to leave over it and it makes me a terrible person who doesn't love him very much if I could leave over that. He thinks I should be content with having one child and be grateful that I even have that at all because he already had DC when we met so he didn't "need" more children, he agreed "for me" (which he absolutely did not say at the time we TTC our LO).

I just feel lost. I don't know what to do for the right. Obviously I have a young DC to consider too.

I just feel like a lot in our relationship is his way or the highway and he is never willing to compromise or see it from anyone else's POV. I understand this is his way because he shouldn't be made to have a child he doesn't want but he can't even understand or accept that it is hard for me to come to terms with, or see it from my POV that whilst obviously I accept its his choice, I am still allowed to feel upset by it. He thinks I'm completely unreasonable for having any sort of feeling about it.

My head is screaming at me to just get out, there are issues outside of this one, but this just feels like the cherry on top. But I have my child to think about too.

OP posts:
Karatema · 10/07/2023 09:37

A friend has just had her 5th child and her DH had the snip 3 years ago. Off her own bat she arranged for a dna test, because she didn't want her DH suspecting it wasn't his, it is. So it's possible but rare.

It would have been a dealbreaker for me not to have 2 but wasn't when my DH said no to a 3rd.
You have to way up the pros and cons.

loislovesstewie · 10/07/2023 09:40

It's not about having another child, you say there are other issues and it's all his way or the highway. For me that would be enough. Better to leave now , not become a person who can't have an opinion and live with a person who can't compromise .

snufkinhat · 10/07/2023 09:44

Hansilo · 10/07/2023 08:27

I don't think he's selfish or unreasonable for deciding to have no more children, I think he's unreasonable not to have a bit of compassion about how I feel about that.

More reason to leave him, really.

You can't make him feel compassion, you just have to accept that he doesn't and walk away.

Lavenderflower · 10/07/2023 09:45

Do you think he is misled you about wanting more children?

80s · 10/07/2023 09:45

He thinks you are unreasonable, irrational and unpleasant, and you think he's manipulative, inconsiderate and lacking respect. And you say it's not just because of the child situation.

Wouldn't be a good idea to have another child with him anyway.

If you leave, don't make it about this issue.

snufkinhat · 10/07/2023 09:45

Hansilo · 10/07/2023 09:27

I feel he lied to me or at least misled me about only having a child "for me" which he now likes to say yes. At no point when we were ttc our LO did he say I'm happy with what I have but I'll have another for you. He made out like he wanted another just as much as me and now acts like I owe him gratitude for "giving me one" when he already had children. I think that's very unfair yes. And no I don't feel like I owe him gratitude for having a child for me when he made out like it was what he wanted as well at the time.

Show quote history

I think you need to just walk away from this awful dynamic rather than trying to get him to behave/ feel a certain way or say a certain thing or agree with you. You will never succeed. Just go.

Staggersaurus · 10/07/2023 09:46

Hypothetically roll the relationship forward a few years. If you stay and don’t have another baby, how will you cope with the feelings of resentment? If you stay and have another baby, how will you cope with his feelings of not actually wanting that other baby? The only way to stay in the relationship is to both get therapy, otherwise it’s going to eat away at both of you.

Bollindger · 10/07/2023 09:48

Your not happy and I think the child issue is just the final straw that is making you realise that he now isn't enough for you.
Always having to give up your wants to please someone else seems very sad.
Live your best life, for you not his best life.

aSofaNearYou · 10/07/2023 09:49

Hansilo · 10/07/2023 09:32

I do realise now, from what he says, that he likely did only have another child to keep me from leaving. But yes I think that is manipulative and misleading. And I don't think it's then fair to expect gratitude from me about it either.

If that's the case it's far worse than him just changing his mind, though. He knew you wanted kids and consciously put you in a position where you had to feel like, and be perceived by others, to have "broken up your DCs family" to have the life he always knew you wanted.

Invisibleeye · 10/07/2023 09:51

My ex didn’t want children at all. It wasn’t until I was with him and facing a future without the possibility that I realised I did indeed want them. I knew that if I stayed in 10 years time we would resent each other massively as one of us would be in a situation we didn’t want (and it was much more likely to be me as I obviously couldn’t force him to have a child and had to respect that choice). So I ended it and it was awful. But I don’t regret it as it was the right thing and now I have a one year old with my fiancé and.. well it just worked out for the best all round. Do what you think is best for the happiness of yourself and your child.

Caroparo52 · 10/07/2023 09:52

Sounds like the marriage isn't going to last op. Whatever reason you choose to end it you're not happy. The more children is just one if many reasons you're unhapoy. But it may be the straw which broke the camels back.
If you move on now in your life you will be opening up to a potential happy ever after. If you stay with DH you're stuck forever with
" if only ....."
You are already answering your own questions so stop and listen to yourself.
Good luck

SchoolShenanigans · 10/07/2023 09:53

It's not just only having one child, is it. It's the fact he's making a unanimous decision despite your reservations. He's gone back on what he said and doesn't care about the implications on you. He's had his kids, and that's that.

Add to that, you're having issues anyway.

I would see a therapist (for you, not as a couple). Talk through how you feel, allow yourself time and space to think through the full ramifications of your options and time for the emotion to settle.

You only live once, and if you can't get passed only having one child, then you're going to feel resentful and that will harm your relationship anyway. I think you need a safe space to properly explore the next few years and how you want them to be.

PrincessTigger · 10/07/2023 09:53

YANBU

Original poster
Hansilo · 10/07/2023 09:54

Lavenderflower · 10/07/2023 09:45

Do you think he is misled you about wanting more children?

If he's genuinely now saying he only had our existing child for me then yes I assume he also knew he didn't want more from the start and just "gave me one" to keep me happy.

OP posts:
dottiedodah · 10/07/2023 09:56

He sounds very selfish to me .I think he has just "made up his mind " TBH without factoring your feelings at all! Most men are probably not as fussed as their wives are ,however they compromise due to her feelings.I would consider leaving as you are not yet 30 and face having your fertile years snatched away!

Original poster
Hansilo · 10/07/2023 09:57

Him saying that about our LO just makes me think he's known all along he didn't want more but now feels comfortable enough to actually tell me considering we're married and have a child so it's not just as easy to leave. Maybe that's my emotions talking though I don't know.

OP posts:
MrsRachelDanvers · 10/07/2023 10:03

My dh quite wanted more children but I was horrified at the idea. I told him if he wanted that to find someone else. We both had existing children. He stayed and is very happy but I was totally upfront. He may have changed his mind and is feeling bad about it hence why he doesn’t want a conversation with you or to show compassion to you.
Lots of people encouraging you to leave east when you’re not involved. Don’t underestimate how difficult raising a child on your own with the added complications of half siblings for your child and possible more half siblings and trying to juggle what’s best including your new partner whom you may or may not meet. I’m not saying don’t leave, just consider how life will be in future and whether you want that for you and your family. Sometimes, life is working out the best compromise and living with that.

Invisibleeye · 10/07/2023 10:03

Invisibleeye · 10/07/2023 09:51

My ex didn’t want children at all. It wasn’t until I was with him and facing a future without the possibility that I realised I did indeed want them. I knew that if I stayed in 10 years time we would resent each other massively as one of us would be in a situation we didn’t want (and it was much more likely to be me as I obviously couldn’t force him to have a child and had to respect that choice). So I ended it and it was awful. But I don’t regret it as it was the right thing and now I have a one year old with my fiancé and.. well it just worked out for the best all round. Do what you think is best for the happiness of yourself and your child.

Further to this.. I meant to add we had more issues than just this but, as I suspect is the case with you, this was the straw that broke the camels back. Quite simply, I wasn’t happy to start with and knew that I would be utterly miserable if I couldn’t even have my one beacon of hope in a child (that’s so dramatic but I don’t know how else to phrase it!) We weren’t meant to be together and I was clinging onto the idea that if we had a child it would be worth it and work out but it just doesn’t work like that. If you’re unhappy in general then you of course are not unreasonable to leave.

MrsRachelDanvers · 10/07/2023 10:08

I also think this thread is a warning for young women to think hard before getting involved with men who have existing children.

Ryanstartedthefire2 · 10/07/2023 10:14

Yes, leave. Good luck. Hope you find a lovely new partner who wants kids 😊

LuckySantangelo35 · 10/07/2023 10:15

I think he’s right
you should be content with one child

PeachesOnTheBeaches · 10/07/2023 10:16

Yeah, I do think it’s a really shit and selfish thing to do to break up a family just because you want more.

Be happy with the child you have. Don’t cause stress and upheaval in their life to then make them join another family.

I think it’s an awful thing to do.

sammylady37 · 10/07/2023 10:17

I think your DH is being terribly unfair changing his mind like this, he is the one who has made it a deal breaker, not you. Even if he has doubts he should have another for you

JFC. He’s perfectly entitled to change his mind, it happens. And nobody should be having a child they don’t want ‘for someone else’.

Batalax · 10/07/2023 10:21

Don’t leave because of the child factor. Maybe at the time he genuinely thought he’d like another, but he’s entitled to change his mind. You shouldn’t feel he’s lied or misled you as such.

However, yanbu to feel upset at the lack of empathy for this and his controlling ways in general. Yanbu to leave for these reasons.
Maybe it’s his defence mechanism kicking in because he’s feeling guilty so turning it back on you, but that’s no excuse.

LuckySantangelo35 · 10/07/2023 10:23

also you read so many posts on here from women who find parenthood so tough, if they had their time again they may not bother having kids etc and how tough it is going from one kid to two or more. I guess what I’m saying is being a mum of two or more may not be all that.

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