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Original poster

Leaving because he doesn't want more children- reasonable?

139 replies

Hansilo · 10/07/2023 08:16

I know you can leave any relationship for any reason, I'm just curious if others have been in this position because I feel utterly shit daily about it and I don't know what to do.

I met H when I was 24 and he was 30, I was childless he wasn't. I told him from the start I wanted at least one child which we did then have 2 years ago. He has been saying for a long time that when things are better in a few years financially, space wise (need to move to a bigger house ideally) etc.. that he'd be open to having another.

Until this weekend when that's all changed and he's decided he doesn't, he's going to get the snip and that's that. I've said I don't know how I feel about that because I do think I'd want another child in the future and I thought we were on the same page of 'we will see when the time comes' (I definitely don't want another right now but I do think I may in a few years time which I though, because he told me so, he was open to as well).

I don't know what to do. I don't want him to get the snip. I don't want that to just be it and the end of any discussions. Obviously it's his choice and I completely respect that but I don't know where that leaves me in terms of my own choice to stay or go.

Things are a bit rocky between us right now and there have been times I've wanted to leave for other completely unrelated reasons but this just feels like a very big thing.

I'm not even 30 yet and I now have to accept thats it for children if I stay.

H thinks its totally unreasonable to leave over it and it makes me a terrible person who doesn't love him very much if I could leave over that. He thinks I should be content with having one child and be grateful that I even have that at all because he already had DC when we met so he didn't "need" more children, he agreed "for me" (which he absolutely did not say at the time we TTC our LO).

I just feel lost. I don't know what to do for the right. Obviously I have a young DC to consider too.

I just feel like a lot in our relationship is his way or the highway and he is never willing to compromise or see it from anyone else's POV. I understand this is his way because he shouldn't be made to have a child he doesn't want but he can't even understand or accept that it is hard for me to come to terms with, or see it from my POV that whilst obviously I accept its his choice, I am still allowed to feel upset by it. He thinks I'm completely unreasonable for having any sort of feeling about it.

My head is screaming at me to just get out, there are issues outside of this one, but this just feels like the cherry on top. But I have my child to think about too.

OP posts:
Lobelia123 · 10/07/2023 10:24

I freely admit that I don't understand the compulsion many women have to have multiple children, so that may be colouring my view....but already having the privilege and blessing of a child, is the nebulous thought of another, so far entirely imaginary one, really more important than the reality of the family you have together, and the real live human beings in it? Surely you love your current child and husband more than this idea in your head of another baby?

VitoCorleoneOfMNMafia · 10/07/2023 10:25

he agreed "for me" (which he absolutely did not say at the time we TTC our LO).

It's one thing for him to change his mind, quite another for him to retrospectively alter his stated motives for TTC. He has gaslit you and that is why you should leave.

aSofaNearYou · 10/07/2023 10:25

Batalax · 10/07/2023 10:21

Don’t leave because of the child factor. Maybe at the time he genuinely thought he’d like another, but he’s entitled to change his mind. You shouldn’t feel he’s lied or misled you as such.

However, yanbu to feel upset at the lack of empathy for this and his controlling ways in general. Yanbu to leave for these reasons.
Maybe it’s his defence mechanism kicking in because he’s feeling guilty so turning it back on you, but that’s no excuse.

It's fine to leave for either reason. Some people are not ok with giving up having children and that is ok.

Blossomtoes · 10/07/2023 10:25

VitoCorleoneOfMNMafia · 10/07/2023 10:25

he agreed "for me" (which he absolutely did not say at the time we TTC our LO).

It's one thing for him to change his mind, quite another for him to retrospectively alter his stated motives for TTC. He has gaslit you and that is why you should leave.

Has he? Or has he just started being honest?

aSofaNearYou · 10/07/2023 10:28

Has he? Or has he just started being honest?

Why do you think that is defensible? If he lied before and has only started being honest now that she's trapped, with people telling her she'd be selfish to prioritise what she was always clear she wanted - that is really shit of him.

Cucucucu · 10/07/2023 10:28

Don’t waste your fertile years with someone who will not want a child . Who cares what he tells , you can say the same ge loves you so little he in unwilling to compromise .

Original poster
Hansilo · 10/07/2023 10:28

Blossomtoes · 10/07/2023 10:25

Has he? Or has he just started being honest?

Show quote history

Should he not have been from the start?

OP posts:
VitoCorleoneOfMNMafia · 10/07/2023 10:30

aSofaNearYou · 10/07/2023 10:28

Has he? Or has he just started being honest?

Why do you think that is defensible? If he lied before and has only started being honest now that she's trapped, with people telling her she'd be selfish to prioritise what she was always clear she wanted - that is really shit of him.

Whether he was lying back then or is lying now, he is still gaslighting her.

SabbatWheel · 10/07/2023 10:30

I couldn’t live with someone where it’s ‘his way or the highway’.
He sounds more like an overbearing father-figure than your equal life partner.
Just on this alone would make me seriously consider leaving, never mind the child/children issue.

soberfabulous · 10/07/2023 10:31

Lobelia123 · 10/07/2023 10:24

I freely admit that I don't understand the compulsion many women have to have multiple children, so that may be colouring my view....but already having the privilege and blessing of a child, is the nebulous thought of another, so far entirely imaginary one, really more important than the reality of the family you have together, and the real live human beings in it? Surely you love your current child and husband more than this idea in your head of another baby?

My thoughts exactly.

Crumpleton · 10/07/2023 10:32

Athrawes · 10/07/2023 08:33

He's entitled to not want any more children and to take whatever steps he wants to, with his body, to ensure that he doesn't have more
If you want more then it's a deal breaker.

Agree with this..

But also
Things are a bit rocky between us right now and there have been times I've wanted to leave for other completely unrelated reasons but this just feels like a very big thing.

If there have been times you've wanted to leave previously then maybe he feels bringing another child into a relationship that's already struggling isn't the right thing to do.

WatchOutLurkerAbout · 10/07/2023 10:32

@Hansilo correct me if I'm wrong - but to me the more children thing feels a bit of a red herring here.

Yes it's extremely important and emotive.

But you've already explained how he's gaslit you, he's not empathetic, he isn't flexible or willing to understand your POV, he expects gratitude for something he was an equal and willing participant in and more. And I'm willing to bet there are issues in other parts of the marriage too.

Honestly, for me that would be enough to seriously make plans to either leave or demand definitive changes in the relationship - including couples therapy.

You're not ridiculous or ungrateful. You only get one life and you need to do what you can to live it in a way that brings you joy and confidence - are you doing that now?

BadNomad · 10/07/2023 10:44

You shouldn't want to have a child with someone you're in a rocky relationship with anyway. The baby issue aside, this doesn't sound like an enjoyable relationship for you. For that reason alone you should leave. Don't waste your one life feeling spoken over. If you want to have another child, do it with someone who wants to have a child. Not one who only does it to shut you up.

unsync · 10/07/2023 10:50

It sounds like there are other, potentially serious, issues too. It is OK to leave because you want more children.

My previous ndn did. He already had kids, she didn't want kids and then changed her mind. They divorced and she went on to remarry and have kids.

DysonSpheres · 10/07/2023 11:15

I think with the extra things mentioned regarding his rather selfish attitude, this would be more than enough to end a relationship.

But I don't think it's a legitimate reason to end a marriage in which vows were spoken.

Begonne · 10/07/2023 11:21

I gave serious consideration to this. Dh was done at two. I was not.

I stayed, because, when I weighed it up, being with dh and keeping our family together was something I wanted more. I felt I could be content.

But it was hard for years. I felt like there was a child missing. It’s only with peri meno that those feelings have eased off. And with hindsight I am content with my choice.

It’s an entirely valid choice to make. I don’t think it’s fair or wise to try and guilt anyone into having a baby they’re not actively wanting. But it’s absolutely your right to find someone else to have dc with if that’s what’s most important to you.

aSofaNearYou · 10/07/2023 11:22

DysonSpheres · 10/07/2023 11:15

I think with the extra things mentioned regarding his rather selfish attitude, this would be more than enough to end a relationship.

But I don't think it's a legitimate reason to end a marriage in which vows were spoken.

This way of thinking is really bizarre to me. As if the fact that you made a promise once is more important than being happy, even when you acknowledge that leaving would be the better choice.

Lacucuracha · 10/07/2023 11:24

Blossomtoes · 10/07/2023 10:25

Has he? Or has he just started being honest?

Show quote history

Or shown he is a liar? All the more reason to leave him.

Luxell934 · 10/07/2023 11:29

Can you afford another child? Is he a very high earner? Does he pay child support for his other two children? Maybe he’s worried about the financial side, most Mumsnetters would be calling him worse than scum if he had children with two different women but couldn’t afford decent child support for either.

ChocChipHandbag · 10/07/2023 11:29

LuckySantangelo35 · 10/07/2023 10:23

also you read so many posts on here from women who find parenthood so tough, if they had their time again they may not bother having kids etc and how tough it is going from one kid to two or more. I guess what I’m saying is being a mum of two or more may not be all that.

As the mother of an only child, I agree with this. However the difference is that my husband is not a dick who would say things like “I only agreed to this child because you wanted him”. I think the second child is a red herring; it’s just been the catalyst for the DH to reveal his true self and it’s not pretty.

Based in what she has said about how cruel he is being, I would be advising her to leave even if she did decide she was happy with one child.

VeterinaryCareAssistant · 10/07/2023 12:17

My partner had a child with his ex wife and then actually got the snip without even discussing it with her. They split up but the ex partner never met anyone else and had another child. My partner, on the other hand, met me when I had children including two young babies and has raised them with me, so that must have really stung to the ex wife. I never really thought about it from her point of view.

VitoCorleoneOfMNMafia · 10/07/2023 12:45

DysonSpheres · 10/07/2023 11:15

I think with the extra things mentioned regarding his rather selfish attitude, this would be more than enough to end a relationship.

But I don't think it's a legitimate reason to end a marriage in which vows were spoken.

Why does "to love and honour" only apply to her? How is he "honouring" her by gaslighting her?

VitoCorleoneOfMNMafia · 10/07/2023 12:51

VeterinaryCareAssistant · 10/07/2023 12:17

My partner had a child with his ex wife and then actually got the snip without even discussing it with her. They split up but the ex partner never met anyone else and had another child. My partner, on the other hand, met me when I had children including two young babies and has raised them with me, so that must have really stung to the ex wife. I never really thought about it from her point of view.

He doesn't need her permission to have the snip but it would have been courteous to inform her afterwards, if only so that she can review her contraceptive use.

samqueens · 10/07/2023 13:04

From what you’ve said about his attitude to you disagreeing with him I would highly recommend you download and read (discreetly) the book Why Does He Do That? By Lundy Bancroft. If it reasonates with you then it will help you make up your mind I think.

samqueens · 10/07/2023 13:06

You also don’t mention how often he sees his other children - do they stay with you? Does he have an amicable co-parenting relationship with their mother? If not that’s a 🚩

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