Leaving because he doesn't want more children- reasonable?

[Hansilo]

I know you can leave any relationship for any reason, I'm just curious if others have been in this position because I feel utterly shit daily about it and I don't know what to do.

I met H when I was 24 and he was 30, I was childless he wasn't. I told him from the start I wanted at least one child which we did then have 2 years ago. He has been saying for a long time that when things are better in a few years financially, space wise (need to move to a bigger house ideally) etc.. that he'd be open to having another.

Until this weekend when that's all changed and he's decided he doesn't, he's going to get the snip and that's that. I've said I don't know how I feel about that because I do think I'd want another child in the future and I thought we were on the same page of 'we will see when the time comes' (I definitely don't want another right now but I do think I may in a few years time which I though, because he told me so, he was open to as well).

I don't know what to do. I don't want him to get the snip. I don't want that to just be it and the end of any discussions. Obviously it's his choice and I completely respect that but I don't know where that leaves me in terms of my own choice to stay or go.

Things are a bit rocky between us right now and there have been times I've wanted to leave for other completely unrelated reasons but this just feels like a very big thing.

I'm not even 30 yet and I now have to accept thats it for children if I stay.

H thinks its totally unreasonable to leave over it and it makes me a terrible person who doesn't love him very much if I could leave over that. He thinks I should be content with having one child and be grateful that I even have that at all because he already had DC when we met so he didn't "need" more children, he agreed "for me" (which he absolutely did not say at the time we TTC our LO).

I just feel lost. I don't know what to do for the right. Obviously I have a young DC to consider too.

I just feel like a lot in our relationship is his way or the highway and he is never willing to compromise or see it from anyone else's POV. I understand this is his way because he shouldn't be made to have a child he doesn't want but he can't even understand or accept that it is hard for me to come to terms with, or see it from my POV that whilst obviously I accept its his choice, I am still allowed to feel upset by it. He thinks I'm completely unreasonable for having any sort of feeling about it.

My head is screaming at me to just get out, there are issues outside of this one, but this just feels like the cherry on top. But I have my child to think about too.

There is never going to be a right answer to this one, because every situation is different. You are, in my opinion, both "right" - because what is right for you is not necessarily right for any other person, no matter who they are or your relationship to them.

As for those who purport to think the fault is all his, well that's hypocritical. It is oft turned out - quite rightly too - that a woman's body is her own. She has the right to decide what, if any contraception she uses; and to have an abortion if she choses. She also has a right to choose whether to have children or not. Men have the same right. It is his body and his life - if he wishes to ensure that he cannot father any more children, whether with you or someone else, then he has the right to decide that.

To be fair "we will see when the time comes" (your words) was never a promise of anything. For him, for whatever reason "the time has come" and he is being transparent in that he wants no more children.

It sounds like there is far more to this than having another child.

He made it clear he would "be open to having another" but that isn't a definite... so YABU to pull him up on this. He already has brought 3 children in the world and needs to provide for those 3 so perhaps that means not having a 4th child.

But as this isn't the only issue, then sounds like the two of you actually need to sit down and talk.

My issue isn't really about him deciding to have no more children, does that upset me? Yes of course because I think I probably do want more in the future. Its his complete lack of empathy for me, someone he is supposed to love about the effect on me.

If it were the other way round I'd like to hope I'd still have some empathy for my partner who's life my decision was effecting rather than just making out they are completely unreasonable to be upset about it.

Like I say he's this way about everything we don't agree on. He, imo, just lacks any empathy for my POV about lots of things.

I don’t know, you said you wanted at least 1 child and you did that. If DH said at least 1 and I did that then on further reflection felt I was done I would feel I had kept my word about it. Dh raised having another a few times and I found it really stressful because I was adamant I wasn’t doing it again. So I got quite short about it, maybe I wasn’t as empathetic as I could have been but the decision was made from my end. Raising it with me again would just piss me off and feel like pressure.

The lack of the empathy is a killer. There is nothing worth staying for here.

He’s entitled to want no more, and you’re entitled to leave.

He thinks I should be content with having one child and be grateful that I even have that at all because he already had DC when we met so he didn't "need" more children, he agreed "for me" (which he absolutely did not say at the time we TTC our LO).

This manipulation however, makes me think he’s a twat. So leave. And be happy.

It’s not the wanting/not wanting more children that’s the issue. It’s the unilaterally making himself infertile and refusing to engage in discussion that’s the issue and I couldn’t stay with a man like that.

I wanted a third for a very long time. My husband didn’t. But he didn’t go off and get the snip! We knew we couldn’t have another child unless we both wanted to. And we also knew that we had to keep communication open about it until one of us eventually changed their mind as we loved each other and would not split up over it. Eventually I changed my mind as I got older and the urge wore off.

What's the best thing for your existing child? You've got an actual child.

I'm asking because this seems to be all about you and him and your hopes and wishes, but you don't talk about your existing child. Do you want more children because you've always dreamed of a life with two children or because you really love children and you have the emotional and financial capacity to offer two children a good life?

If you leave, how will you manage accommodation and working and childcare? How will your child's life change? I ask this because I see the conditions some children are reduced to when a marriage breaks down and I see how unhappy some of them are as a result.

Do his older two children not spend any regular time with their father in your home? You don't seem to feel you also have two step-children, as well as your biological child.

Do you believe he lied to you?
Being open to more children at the time doesn't mean he's beholden to feeling that way forever. He already had children, maybe the newborn and toddler stage has made him realise he's passed all that and doesn't want to do it again.

Just as if you'd been open to more kids and changed your mind after having one, which you're entitled to.

Step-kids are not her kids though.

The crux of this is that you’re not happy for other reasons. Realistically it would therefore be a bad idea to have any more children with him either way, so you either try to fix the issues in your relationship (if that’s possible) or you leave.

FWIW I was in a similar situation where my DP initially said he was open to having a child together and then changed his mind and announced he would get the snip. I was devastated but he understood why I was so upset and so delayed it. We took time and consideration and I genuinely tried to convince myself I was ok with not having more children but I was eventually honest with him that I just didn’t feel that way and it was eating me up inside every single month when I got my period. It felt better just to have been honest and he was able to be honest with me about his reasons for not wanting another (which were valid and helped me understand him better). In the end (some years after the initial comment about getting the snip) he was the one who suggested we have another child and I am now 6 months pregnant and we’re both thrilled.

Ultimately, though, I stayed because I love him and our relationship was healthy and happy. It was still heartbreaking to think I might not have another child and there was always a latent fear that I might sacrifice that only for him to leave me later down the line when it was no longer a biological possibility. Only you know if you want security for existing child more than you want to be happy in the relationship or to model a healthy relationship for them.

He's now a DF of three and thinks that's enough. It's not your fault he lied to you but he probably thought if he didn't have a child with you you'd leave so he was happy to have just one more. It's likely it never crossed his mind you'd still think of leaving if he wouldn't have another. Only you know if this marriage is good enough to compensate for having an only child but it doesn't sound like a happy marriage already.

He's being a dick by unilaterally making this decision and giving you no say, but tbh, I wouldn't want to have four DC either, so I can understand both your and his POV. Three DC is more than enough for most people (too many for lots, in fact). Is he financially very stable? Can he easily support the three he has and potentially more, because he's now married to a woman who wants more?

It would appear that he's strung you along by letting you think he was open to having as many more DC as you wanted, but I agree that most men probably wouldn't choose to have a second family. I've had this conversation with a couple of men who've admitted that they didn't really want more DC, but felt that that's the price they had to pay for having a new relationship.

Unfortunately given he already has 2 children from previous situation- I do understand how he feels. , a lot of men these days have one eye too on the level of payments 'if things go wrong' - only you can decide if it's a dealbreaker- but no guarantee either that this will happen with someone else

OP the relationship is in trouble, you do not want another baby with him.

Listen to your gut, not him.

He is domineering and always right.

Start organising yourself to leave, let him have the snip.

Get out while you are young.

I feel he lied to me or at least misled me about only having a child "for me" which he now likes to say yes. At no point when we were ttc our LO did he say I'm happy with what I have but I'll have another for you. He made out like he wanted another just as much as me and now acts like I owe him gratitude for "giving me one" when he already had children. I think that's very unfair yes. And no I don't feel like I owe him gratitude for having a child for me when he made out like it was what he wanted as well at the time.

OP, I would leave him because he's intractable and manipulative. Refusing to work through issues in a constructive manner and always having to have his own way is tacit bullying.

Think about it this way: imagine that you leave him and for whatever reason you don't manage to find someone else to have another child with. Really think about what your life would look like. Are you still happy that you made the decision to leave?

If this were the only reason you were unhappy I could see that being a decision you would live to regret but if there are other issues in the relationship it is not the same situation.

I think I’d have a hard time being with someone who completely dismisses my feelings/ right to have feelings.

I’d say there’s absolutely no guarantee about having another child if you did leave, but that doesn’t seem to be your only motivation.

Stupid argument, it's not remotely the same. My DP himself didn't feel fulfilled as a parent by being a NRP to his son, why on Earth would I?

I think the relationship is already over. I imagine though he is the type of man who will have another child with a new partner just to spite you.

He's not necessarily wrong not to want more kids, but he's being a manipulative twat about it, which is the more relevant part. What else is he going to turn around on you like that? I would leave.

I do realise now, from what he says, that he likely did only have another child to keep me from leaving. But yes I think that is manipulative and misleading. And I don't think it's then fair to expect gratitude from me about it either.

I didn't comment on him saying he was only having a child to please you, that in itself seems like he's rewriting history to fit his current narrative. I was just commenting on the fact you said he lied, and as someone who wanted enough children to have a football team at one point I can understand changing your mind. I would say though, you sound angry about the situation (I'm not judging this) and when we get angry in this way we lose respect for the other person, we feel betrayed and hurt. I think unless both are willing to look at therapy together these sorts of feelings tend to fester and breed resentment so it may be that the way he's made you feel has meant the end of the relationship anyway.