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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Leaving because he doesn't want more children- reasonable?

139 replies

Hansilo · 10/07/2023 08:16

I know you can leave any relationship for any reason, I'm just curious if others have been in this position because I feel utterly shit daily about it and I don't know what to do.

I met H when I was 24 and he was 30, I was childless he wasn't. I told him from the start I wanted at least one child which we did then have 2 years ago. He has been saying for a long time that when things are better in a few years financially, space wise (need to move to a bigger house ideally) etc.. that he'd be open to having another.

Until this weekend when that's all changed and he's decided he doesn't, he's going to get the snip and that's that. I've said I don't know how I feel about that because I do think I'd want another child in the future and I thought we were on the same page of 'we will see when the time comes' (I definitely don't want another right now but I do think I may in a few years time which I though, because he told me so, he was open to as well).

I don't know what to do. I don't want him to get the snip. I don't want that to just be it and the end of any discussions. Obviously it's his choice and I completely respect that but I don't know where that leaves me in terms of my own choice to stay or go.

Things are a bit rocky between us right now and there have been times I've wanted to leave for other completely unrelated reasons but this just feels like a very big thing.

I'm not even 30 yet and I now have to accept thats it for children if I stay.

H thinks its totally unreasonable to leave over it and it makes me a terrible person who doesn't love him very much if I could leave over that. He thinks I should be content with having one child and be grateful that I even have that at all because he already had DC when we met so he didn't "need" more children, he agreed "for me" (which he absolutely did not say at the time we TTC our LO).

I just feel lost. I don't know what to do for the right. Obviously I have a young DC to consider too.

I just feel like a lot in our relationship is his way or the highway and he is never willing to compromise or see it from anyone else's POV. I understand this is his way because he shouldn't be made to have a child he doesn't want but he can't even understand or accept that it is hard for me to come to terms with, or see it from my POV that whilst obviously I accept its his choice, I am still allowed to feel upset by it. He thinks I'm completely unreasonable for having any sort of feeling about it.

My head is screaming at me to just get out, there are issues outside of this one, but this just feels like the cherry on top. But I have my child to think about too.

OP posts:
L1ttledrummergirl · 10/07/2023 08:44

It sounds less as though it is about another dc, and more about him making a life changing decision on your behalf without discussion. He may have changed his mind, but from your point of view, he's lied to you and misled you over an important aspect of your relationship.
What else does he lie, mislead and gaslight you about?

Yanbu, if the relationship is no longer working for you, and I would trust may be a factor here, then leave.

aSofaNearYou · 10/07/2023 08:46

I would leave. He sounds monumentally selfish and unempathetic. He doesn't have to have a child he doesn't want but his attitude towards your understandable feelings about it absolutely stinks.

Thehippowife · 10/07/2023 08:46

You already know what you want to do. I think you should hold firm to your decision and
are the move, you are still young and you will move on. I personally could not live with a dictator.

Williehollobooby · 10/07/2023 08:47

My head is screaming at me to just get out, there are issues outside of this one
I think this is the part you should be focusing on, op.

Newmumatlast · 10/07/2023 08:47

Hansilo · 10/07/2023 08:27

I don't think he's selfish or unreasonable for deciding to have no more children, I think he's unreasonable not to have a bit of compassion about how I feel about that.

Yes this is it for me. Its the lack of compassion.

Personally I wouldnt leave just because of this because it was never a certain yes so I couldn't say I was induced into something unfairly. But also I am a strong believer in acting in child's best interests not on my own desires (unless that would in turn be in the child's best interests). I couldn't rationalise breaking up my child's home because I wanted another child inadvertently communicating to my child (when they might find out as an adult) that they weren't enough and I they didn't have a together home because of my wants. I think it could ruin a relationship with an existing child if they ever realised and even if they didn't, their life could in principle be harder because their parents aren't together. Plus you may never have another child anyway. Having had unexplained infertility myself I am keenly aware that unlike most people act, you can't just pick and choose to have kids whenever you want and it happens. Even if you could, you logically need to either have a donor or find a stable enough new relationship to have kids and trust that this new situation would be healthy for your existing child who already has a blended family on dad's side to contend with but now would have another and may even have a further one if the new partner has kids already. Very complicated.

If I were in your shoes I would leave him if there are other reasons as you have indicated in saying its rocky, and therefore it would be best for my child to not be around that if it is impacting them, but otherwise I'd get myself in counselling to come to terms with no more kids and crack on

Suchsadtimes · 10/07/2023 08:48

At least he is having the snip which means he is taking the responsibility for that.

I can never quite get my head round these posts as I wanted the man and then wanting a child came around because I met the right man.

You can embrace single parenthood and then you can try and find someone else to have a child with but remember it’s not a done deal and take more care in finding a person who you should have children with not just because you can have children with them.

He did agree to have a child because you wanted one so it’s not like he changed his mind.

Beamur · 10/07/2023 08:49

It's entirely reasonable to split over this.

quietnightmare · 10/07/2023 08:52

It would be a dealbreaker for me as 2 is not unreasonable. Especially for your child as they may not get along but they might and may lean on eachother later on in life.

My husband has other children. I told him from the offset that I want 4 if I am able too and if he's not happy with that then this needed to end and he agreed.

Now we have one. We are trying for the second. I have told him now that I Just want the 2 now and he has agreed but has also said if I want more he wouldn't ever stop me and we would make it work financially and space wise. But that's what a relationship is, it's compromise.

Original poster
Hansilo · 10/07/2023 08:57

He did agree to have a child because you wanted one so it’s not like he changed his mind

I hate this, it's exactly what he tries to pull.

He didn't agree to have a child because I wanted one, or at least he never told me that. He was as keen as I was when we were ttc and then after the fact its become how he did it "for me". Its utter rubbish. And if he did feel like that he certainly kept it to himself. Probably because he knew I'd not have been happy with that.

It's just said to make out like he's done me a massive favour by having a child "for me". When in reality at the time he acted like he wanted one just as much as I did. He wasn't doing me a favour.

OP posts:
ChocChipHandbag · 10/07/2023 08:57

Based on what you say about how he treats you I think that even if you left him and never had another child you’d still be happier than you are now.

MaryJanesonabreak · 10/07/2023 09:00

My way or the highway does not a happy relationship make.

Sapphire387 · 10/07/2023 09:02

That's the thing. Technically his body, his choice. But in no healthy relationship would one partner decide to get sterilised, which definitely impacts the other partner, without discussing it first.

Lacucuracha · 10/07/2023 09:03

A second child is the least of the issues here. He sounds awful. You’re so young, leave him and build a new life.

Slavica · 10/07/2023 09:04

I was in a similar situation, OP, with some important differences. I was 33, my DH was 41 when our DD was born. No other children for either of us.
We talked about "children" before getting married, I assumed that meant more than one. I am an only child and while I am aware of the good sides and privileges inherent in it, I always wanted at least two children of my own. He is one of three (and not very close to his siblings).

My DH told me, after I asked to start ttc again, that he did not want another child, that DD was enough for him and that he didn't think he could cope with more. We had this conversation on and off for about three years. My choice was clear: break up our happy family unit for an uncertain future, or stop asking for another child. Trying to get pregnant without his ok I never contemplated, it would have been a low move.

In the end, I decided to stop talking about another child. We were happy, he was and is a good husband and father. It helped that he realized how disappointed I was and he empathized with me, he just couldn't make a different decision. It was also very clear to me that he made some important decisions because I wanted those things, not because he did - and he never brought them up in anger or during a fight that he sacrificed for me. He is a very good man.
Now DD is 15 and while I am a little sad she is an only, it doesn't loom large in my life (it did back when she was 3, 4, 5 and other mothers were having their seconds or thirds).

Only you know whether this issue is just the final straw or the one important issue of contention. Also, you are still very young, much younger than I was when this became a topic.

Lacucuracha · 10/07/2023 09:04

Imagine giving up chance of a second baby for this twat and then him leaving you in 10 years.

aSofaNearYou · 10/07/2023 09:04

Yes it is a big difference. And I obviously made a naive decision to get together with a man who already had children. I do think though that the responsibility is joint considering he also made the decision to be with a young childless woman who was upfront about wanting children.

I think you're totally right about this. It's really grim of a 30 year old with kids to seek out a 24 year old without any, tie her down, and then make her feel guilty for wanting what most young women with their whole life ahead of them would want. He was expecting you to sacrifice so much for him, when you had the world at your feet and may well not yet have understood what you were giving up.

Responsibility for this is seldom put at the door of the parent, and it should be. It's an awful, selfish thing men in his position often do.

noglow · 10/07/2023 09:06

Hansilo · 10/07/2023 08:27

I don't think he's selfish or unreasonable for deciding to have no more children, I think he's unreasonable not to have a bit of compassion about how I feel about that.

I agree with you here

onefinemess · 10/07/2023 09:10

So, in essence, you are going to break up your child's family, destroy their stability and home life, separate them from their father, because YOU want another child?

Seems reasonable.

Viviennemary · 10/07/2023 09:10

No you already have a child and your responsibility is to that child not to yourself. If you had no children I would say yes leave but you have one child. But on the other hand if he is being horrible that is certainly a reason to leave.

Lacucuracha · 10/07/2023 09:12

aSofaNearYou · 10/07/2023 09:04

Yes it is a big difference. And I obviously made a naive decision to get together with a man who already had children. I do think though that the responsibility is joint considering he also made the decision to be with a young childless woman who was upfront about wanting children.

I think you're totally right about this. It's really grim of a 30 year old with kids to seek out a 24 year old without any, tie her down, and then make her feel guilty for wanting what most young women with their whole life ahead of them would want. He was expecting you to sacrifice so much for him, when you had the world at your feet and may well not yet have understood what you were giving up.

Responsibility for this is seldom put at the door of the parent, and it should be. It's an awful, selfish thing men in his position often do.

Agree 💯

He tricked you, OP.

aSofaNearYou · 10/07/2023 09:12

onefinemess · 10/07/2023 09:10

So, in essence, you are going to break up your child's family, destroy their stability and home life, separate them from their father, because YOU want another child?

Seems reasonable.

And if it's because her DH is not a nice person and does not care about her feelings, does the same guilt trip apply?

Such a horrible attitude.

Blossomtoes · 10/07/2023 09:13

Hansilo · 10/07/2023 08:57

He did agree to have a child because you wanted one so it’s not like he changed his mind

I hate this, it's exactly what he tries to pull.

He didn't agree to have a child because I wanted one, or at least he never told me that. He was as keen as I was when we were ttc and then after the fact its become how he did it "for me". Its utter rubbish. And if he did feel like that he certainly kept it to himself. Probably because he knew I'd not have been happy with that.

It's just said to make out like he's done me a massive favour by having a child "for me". When in reality at the time he acted like he wanted one just as much as I did. He wasn't doing me a favour.

I think he was. He’d been there, got the tshirt. Obviously he wasn’t going to tell you that he was at best indifferent to having more children but why would he want more? I suspect that if it was left to the father there would be very few second families.

funinthesun19 · 10/07/2023 09:13

He can’t have it both ways. He can’t say he doesn’t want any more children AND take it as a given that you will stick around.

Why does his life trump yours? If he’s decided to make you both incompatible then that’s on him. You’re just adapting to his choices. He’s entitled to make that choice of course, but then so are you.

I never understand why the partner who doesn’t want to have any/any more children gets the final say. I left an ex because he didn’t want children for a long long time and I wanted them sooner than that, and I wasn’t even certain he wanted them at all. Therefore we were incompatible and I ended it.

Original poster
Hansilo · 10/07/2023 09:15

Blossomtoes · 10/07/2023 09:13

I think he was. He’d been there, got the tshirt. Obviously he wasn’t going to tell you that he was at best indifferent to having more children but why would he want more? I suspect that if it was left to the father there would be very few second families.

Show quote history

Possibly, but surely it's not my fault or I shouldn't have to essentially be grateful because he lied to me about actively wanting another child? He's a grown man. If he was really only having another child to keep me happy he should have said that. Not gone along with it as apparently keen as I was and then used it against me afterwards.

OP posts:
Iknowthis1 · 10/07/2023 09:16

"My head is screaming at me to just get out"

That is reason enough to leave.