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AIBU?

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Original poster

Leaving because he doesn't want more children- reasonable?

139 replies

Hansilo · 10/07/2023 08:16

I know you can leave any relationship for any reason, I'm just curious if others have been in this position because I feel utterly shit daily about it and I don't know what to do.

I met H when I was 24 and he was 30, I was childless he wasn't. I told him from the start I wanted at least one child which we did then have 2 years ago. He has been saying for a long time that when things are better in a few years financially, space wise (need to move to a bigger house ideally) etc.. that he'd be open to having another.

Until this weekend when that's all changed and he's decided he doesn't, he's going to get the snip and that's that. I've said I don't know how I feel about that because I do think I'd want another child in the future and I thought we were on the same page of 'we will see when the time comes' (I definitely don't want another right now but I do think I may in a few years time which I though, because he told me so, he was open to as well).

I don't know what to do. I don't want him to get the snip. I don't want that to just be it and the end of any discussions. Obviously it's his choice and I completely respect that but I don't know where that leaves me in terms of my own choice to stay or go.

Things are a bit rocky between us right now and there have been times I've wanted to leave for other completely unrelated reasons but this just feels like a very big thing.

I'm not even 30 yet and I now have to accept thats it for children if I stay.

H thinks its totally unreasonable to leave over it and it makes me a terrible person who doesn't love him very much if I could leave over that. He thinks I should be content with having one child and be grateful that I even have that at all because he already had DC when we met so he didn't "need" more children, he agreed "for me" (which he absolutely did not say at the time we TTC our LO).

I just feel lost. I don't know what to do for the right. Obviously I have a young DC to consider too.

I just feel like a lot in our relationship is his way or the highway and he is never willing to compromise or see it from anyone else's POV. I understand this is his way because he shouldn't be made to have a child he doesn't want but he can't even understand or accept that it is hard for me to come to terms with, or see it from my POV that whilst obviously I accept its his choice, I am still allowed to feel upset by it. He thinks I'm completely unreasonable for having any sort of feeling about it.

My head is screaming at me to just get out, there are issues outside of this one, but this just feels like the cherry on top. But I have my child to think about too.

OP posts:
BathroomOnTheRight · 10/07/2023 13:14

YANBU Putting aside the baby issue, from what you say, he is selfish, domineering, controlling and manipulative. He has almost a sociopathic inability to connect to another human being on an empathy level. Everything is all about him. He does not sound like a nice person at all, and you'll be freer being able to be yourself on your own.

holycannaloni · 10/07/2023 13:17

I sometimes wonder how the older child in these cases feel when/if they realise that their Mum and Dad split up because they weren't enough children on their own. It does sound as if in this case OP there's a lot more going on in your marriage, but I do read cases on here when it seems as though having more children is the only issue in an otherwise stable home. Does having a blended family and all that entails for your existing child matter less than your want for another baby?

aSofaNearYou · 10/07/2023 13:31

holycannaloni · 10/07/2023 13:17

I sometimes wonder how the older child in these cases feel when/if they realise that their Mum and Dad split up because they weren't enough children on their own. It does sound as if in this case OP there's a lot more going on in your marriage, but I do read cases on here when it seems as though having more children is the only issue in an otherwise stable home. Does having a blended family and all that entails for your existing child matter less than your want for another baby?

Her existing child is already in a blended family, to be fair.

DysonSpheres · 10/07/2023 13:36

aSofaNearYou · 10/07/2023 11:22

This way of thinking is really bizarre to me. As if the fact that you made a promise once is more important than being happy, even when you acknowledge that leaving would be the better choice.

Show quote history

Well of course it's bizarre to you because we have different emphasis on values🤷🏿‍♀️

aSofaNearYou · 10/07/2023 13:48

Well of course it's bizarre to you because we have different emphasis on values

Wanting people to stay in marriages they'd be happier out of purely for the reason that they "made a vow" is not a value I'd be proud of.

At least the "stay for the kids" argument has a point behind it.

Coralsunset · 10/07/2023 14:44

I would feel misled and manipulated in your position.

Given the fact your marriage isn’t great anyway, I would probably end it.

Lacucuracha · 10/07/2023 14:59

DysonSpheres · 10/07/2023 11:15

I think with the extra things mentioned regarding his rather selfish attitude, this would be more than enough to end a relationship.

But I don't think it's a legitimate reason to end a marriage in which vows were spoken.

If you go down the vows route, marriage was ‘ordained for the procreation of children, to be brought up in the fear and nurture of the Lord, and to the praise of his holy Name.’

As he is refusing to have another child, he has broken his vow to OP, leaving her free to dump his ass.

DysonSpheres · 10/07/2023 15:03

aSofaNearYou · 10/07/2023 13:48

Well of course it's bizarre to you because we have different emphasis on values

Wanting people to stay in marriages they'd be happier out of purely for the reason that they "made a vow" is not a value I'd be proud of.

At least the "stay for the kids" argument has a point behind it.

Yes I know it's not something you'd be proud of. That's what I'm saying.

Your mindset is similarly distasteful to me.

It's Mumsnet.

Blossomtoes · 10/07/2023 15:44

Lacucuracha · 10/07/2023 14:59

If you go down the vows route, marriage was ‘ordained for the procreation of children, to be brought up in the fear and nurture of the Lord, and to the praise of his holy Name.’

As he is refusing to have another child, he has broken his vow to OP, leaving her free to dump his ass.

Show quote history

We had that bit omitted from ours at the minister’s suggestion because we were too old - we were early 40s! I didn’t promise to obey either.

PrincessTigger · 11/07/2023 09:59

YANBU wanting more children is a valid reason to leave, as well as other stuff. He’s of course allowed to choose to have a vasectomy if he wants, it’s his body, but the fact there’s no consulting shows he doesn’t respect you very much.

Viviennemary · 18/09/2023 09:58

I think he is being very unreasonable. It's quite understandable that you would want a brother or sister for your own child to be brought up together. And to know you can't have more children when you are only 30 is not good. He is 100% the unreasonable one here.

Lavender14 · 18/09/2023 10:09

I'm sorry op that's really difficult. I personally would be really hurt but I think this is all very recent so I would try to take some time to process this. Is there somewhere you can stay until you've had some time?

I think he's been very unfair to not be direct and honest with you from the start regarding what his hopes for the future were especially since you've been very direct about yours.

I'm really torn, on one hand I think this would be extremely difficult to move past in a relationship without resentment on both sides but equally if he is otherwise a good partner and father to the child you do have I'd struggle to leave for a hypothetical child that you may or may not have in future.

If he's not a good partner or parent otherwise then I would leave because in that instance you're not happy anyway. But if things are good otherwise then I'd try to slow this down. I'd ask him to go for counselling together before he gets the snip so that you can both at least learn to communicate and listen in a more meaningful way and at the end of that if he's still adamant that he doesn't want one and you can't move past that in the relationship then you know it's time to go and you've done all you can to try and work it out together as well as the issue of him not really hearing you.

Has he explained his reasons for not wanting another? As it stands now are you both in a good enough financial position to have a child and the quality of life that you both want for example?

MissTrip82 · 18/09/2023 10:26

I assume there’s a lot more to this because the idea that anyone would rip apart their child’s family over a hypothetical future child with a hypothetical future man is incredible to me. Incredible.

aSofaNearYou · 18/09/2023 12:29

MissTrip82 · 18/09/2023 10:26

I assume there’s a lot more to this because the idea that anyone would rip apart their child’s family over a hypothetical future child with a hypothetical future man is incredible to me. Incredible.

You're in for a shock then because absolutely loads of people split because of differing feelings on having more children, and/or the unresolvable resentment that comes with it. There doesn't need to be more to it.

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