To think this is revolting?

[Namechange1000035]

Just had this conversation with my husband. For context, things are dire between us, he's been on the sofa for 6 months because 'it helps him sleep better', and he's onto his 3rd drink of the night. He came into the kitchen with just a towel on and because I was sat down, his belly button was right in my eyeline. It's quite big and round, not quite an inny or an outy.

Me: "I'm fighting the urge to draw an eye on your belly button."

Him: "I'm fighting the urge to grab you, bend you over the table and stab you repeatedly in your brown eye."

AIBU to think he's being revolting?

Good.

I honestly wish you all the best.

I truly apologise for the derail. I do not for the life of me understand why a minority are trying to downplay this from what it is.

I hope you’re OK - it sounds like he would be the one to leave rather than you, which is good.

Thank you.
Give that there have several things related to sex that have not been all right in our relationship, I do think he was trying to intimidate me on a sexual level. Just when you're in a bubble with someone like this it can be hard not to doubt your own conclusions.

I’m fighting the urge not to ravish you.

I’m fighting the urge to bend you over and f you from behind.

I’m fighting the urge not to climb over this table and take you right now.

All rapey?

no. The issue is the context of their relationship. Not what he said. And that’s why what she said was also not ok. But it doesn’t make what he said rapey.

The issue absolutely IS what he said. In the context of their relationship. The OP has said as much. You cannot separate the two out. I don’t know who, other than yourself, you think you’re convincing.

Again, OP - apologies for the derail.

Not appropriate doesn’t make it rapey.

Anymore than the OP’s was threatening assault or anything vaguely similar.

Keep trying to convince yourself.

You're wasting your time. Some people on here are apologists or MRA and trying to gaslight the OP. Others some can't see past the fact that their Nigel gets a bit forceful in the bum area after a sherry on Christmas eve (and he's not rapey!) The OP is in the situation, and knows what she knows. As do the rest of us.

Why are you so adament about proving that using violent sexual langauge isn't rapey? He's not saying he wants to "ravish" OP, he is saying he wants to stab her in the arsehole. Are you OP's partner? Or are you just desperate not to be proved wrong standing up for someone like that?

And yes, the context matters. It makes it even worse, espeically given the context OP has gone on to desrcibe (which actually confirms what everyone else was saying, that his intention was to be rapey). But if my DH used language like that to me, even if we were being a bit flirty, I would still 100% be offended and put off. Becuase using sexually volent language like that is not ok.

Why are you trying to force me to agree with you? I don’t. I’ve said several times now. You might think it was rapey. I do not. And trying to force me to agree with you is franky weird.

I'm not trying to get you to agree with me.

I just think it's utterly bizarre for any women to be defending a man who says this sort of shit. As I said, it just proves how normalised sexual violence towards women is. And why rape still has appalling conviction rates.

He bent her over a table and fucked her up the arse with no consent becasue she wanted to draw on his belly button? Ah no, come on, a bit crass but he was just being flirty, right? 🙄god, I really worry about the state of the world sometimes

There is only one person being weird on this thread, and it’s the person downplaying rapey comments. That is so weird, I can’t get my head around it.

Anyway. Keep trying to convince yourself. It’s obviously very important to you.

How unlike the home life of our late dear Queen.

You need to split up.

Why have you added the words no consent in there? He didn’t do it. He didn’t say he was going to do it. There’s no mention of consent. It’s two people trying to antagonise eachother by saying ridiculous things. Nothing more.

Only I’m not the only one who thought that. I’m just the only one repeatedly being quoted by people trying to bore me into submission.

And yeah, OP, if you had any doubts before, surely this should settle things. Leave. Before he decides to make good on his threats.

Awful. You need to leave ASAP.

@Notamum12345577 no @JenWillsiam is not the only person who thinks the OPs relationship sounds toxic and combative on both sides. I cannot recall any posters saying they think the husbands comment was appropriate but that doesn’t mean he (at least in my opinion) is threatening to rape his wife. The problem is you and other posters seem to be trying to bully people that don’t agree with you because you believe your opinion is the only acceptable one and are making personal digs at posters who disagree with you.

You can make a rapey comment without actually threatening to rape someone.

I can’t believe I have to explain this.

All I have said repeatedly I don’t agree with you. You’re the one trying to twist it into something weird. I’m not asking you questions. I’m not armchair diagnosing you. I’m just saying what I think. The literal point of mumsnet.

@CrazyArmadilloLady the only thing that you are explaining is your subjective opinion on a MN post which you are absolutely entitled to do. What you’re not entitled to do (which is why I’m calling you out on it) is bully other posters and make personal comments about them because they don’t align with your views.

Disagreeing with someone isn’t ‘bullying’ them.

Or, if it is, I’m being ‘bullied’ right now by you, and by whatsername continually disagreeing with me.

I completely agree, disagreeing with somebody is not bullying at all however making personal comments or digs is bullying and that is what you and others have been openly doing to @JenWillsiam and I don’t understand why it’s necessary to try and shut down anyone that doesn’t share your views, both sides have made some valid points but it is disappointing (in my subjective opinion) to see it dissolve into trying to shut down views that you don’t agree with. It just makes people scared to give their opinions.

• Telling her that she downplaying rapey comments
• Calling her weird for her views
• asking ‘Is everything okay in your relationship’
• saying ‘Some kind of weird desire to confirm your internal misogyny perhaps? Normalising your own experiences? Hmmm.’

It just makes people scared to give their opinions

Forgive me, but I’m not too worried about ‘scaring’ (who knew I had such power?) people from expressing opinions that normalise and legitimise male violence against women.

The OP - the person who this thread is about - is clearly revolted and very much not OK with the comment. It is deal-breaker territory for her.

But by all mean, carry on sticking up for the person trying to downplay it, if that what you really feel you need to do.