To destroy my family for sex?

[Daebak]

Obviously slightly hyperbolic title, but also honestly how I feel sometimes.

I know there has already been quite a few threads on this sort of thing before (I believe I have searched and read every one) so I will summarise the important bits.

Yes, I have tried to talk to him about it. This usually ends in one of two outcomes. He refuses to talk about it at all, or he starts promising to try more.

I swing between feeling like a sex pest for even mentioning how unhappy I am and feeling angry at DH seemingly just not caring about the pain he is causing me.

It would make it easier if he was honest. I’ve begged him for the brutal truth so I can try to fix whatever it is. He says he is still attracted to me, that there is no problem and I’m making a fuss about nothing, that he wants me…but nothing ever changes and there is clearly a huge problem.

It’s hard to describe the deep soul crushing despair that the man I love just isn’t interested in me ‘that way’ at all.

He does have a medical issue, but he is seeking no help for it. I’ve even made him appointments when he has expressed a wish to get help that he just doesn’t bother showing up to.

It is also more than just the sex. There is no physical intimacy at all. And the effect it has had on me feels catastrophic. I used to be quite confident and happy, bubbly even. Now I feel so unattractive, like a Quasimodo figure lurching around the house.

We have two children, upper primary ages. The thought of me turning their word upside down ‘just’ because I’m not having sex is ridiculous and selfish isn’t it? Apart from this issue DH and I are like best friends, the dc and DH are very happy. That’s what I keep telling myself.

But I’m not exaggerating when I say I’m a shell of my former self. I feel anxious, depressed and at one very low point had very dark thoughts. It sounds ridiculous and shallow of me that this has had such an effect, but it really has.

Has anyone stayed/left in this situation? Many of the threads I’ve read don’t really cover whether it was worth it to leave an otherwise happy marriage for sex.

I don't agree with this AT ALL.

Splitting up by mutual consent is a very different level of impact on the other person and the whole family dynamic to cheating.

If DH said he needed to leave, I'd understand and it would be an amicable split.

If I discovered him cheating on me I'd be as raging as any other wife.

The OP breaking her marriage vows, which she doesn't even want to do, will only make that worse.

🙄

Incoherent as well as lacking comprehension.

Sex is a really important part of a successful relationship... maybe some counselling so he can see how important it is to you?

Yes, the OP has made it clear that an affair isn't for her. But I don't see that if someone in the same situation (years of being denied any affection) did have an affair that it would be some major betrayal. You can't just remove sex from a marriage and expect your spouse to agree to a chaste life from that day forth. Surely that goes against the wedding vows too.

Most of us have mentioned ultimatums as in:

H going to the GP to hopefully resolve a possible medical issue

H having individual counselling

H & OP having couple counselling

H & OP possibly having sex therapy

OP has tried, nothing’s changed, her H is continuing to gaslight her, get jealous whenever others are physically attracted to her, calls her names and makes her feel unattractive/ugly. OP continues to feel deeply unhappy, and rightly so.

Their young DC are seeing this play out.

This is not happy family life for OP. This is no way to treat a best friend.

Other possible reasons are - H is getting physical affection and sex elsewhere. H could be gay.

If you were a man I’d tell you to sort yourself out and do more of the work, but in this situation I think you should leave and find someone better who can actually perform rather than hide. Men will moan if they go just a few weeks without but we only complain if it really has got to a desperate end.

Did you read OP's posts at all?

She doesn't want an affair. She wants to have her husband show her love, and that he's attracted to her.

If she doesn't have this, she doesn't have a marriage.

Why do people write such idiotic posts? Is there any part of you that sees this as a solution if you were also in a situation like this? Have an affair, all will be well then???

My advice would be the same to a man. If you've given it your best shot (i.e. it's been a years long issue rather than a recent blip) but you're not being fulfilled on a very basic level, then it's time to admit the marriage has run its course.

Look 5 years into the future. If you leave now - the children will be settled in the new situation - they will be teenagers and getting on with their lives anyway. You will have got through the painful part of the separation.

Or you could be living like this and have it all still to go through.

Also - you aren't ending it because of 'sex' - you are ending it because of the total break down in communication/ trust/ love/ connection.

That kind of rejection is soul-crushing. You owe it to yourself to get a better life.

From what I've read it's not sex but a complete lack of affection. Sex isn't the be all and end all in an otherwise good relationship, but stiffening when you try to hug, no little kisses are a different thing. You sound like flat mates.

The thing is, it can't really be forced.

You sound like a calm, reasonable person. Can I ask what steps you've taken to try and rectify your low libido situation, eg go to your GP and get checked out or go to a psychotherapist/ psycho-sexual therapist to try and find out why you've lost your mojo?

Or do you just accept that it's a natural part of the menopause/aging process and it's up to your husband to accept this as he seems to be doing, at least on the surface?

@AlienatedChildGrown

Sorry about the situation with your dad.

However (as you initially point out), happy mum / happy kids is speaking to a wider point.

Not 'pursue your own happiness regardless of others'. But that, if you cannot achieve meaningful happiness in your relationship, to the extent that you are unhappy & it's impacting on your wellbeing, and your ability to parent, splitting up may be wise.

Your actions then still should be focused on doing the right thing for all parties & putting children first. For example, I told my abusive ex to leave. I was devastated that my very small DC would now not have experience of growing up with both parents. But knew it was ultimately a better decision for them. Thereafter, their father has been feckless & disengaged. I have put them first - in relation to career, friendships & relationships (I haven't had one since my marriage ended).

It can be glibly used but really is meant to convey that staying in an unhappy or unhealthy relationships specifically 'for the children' is never going to work. However it doesn't absolve a parent from focusing on responsible, mature behaviour, rather than pursuing their own individual short-term happiness, based on what they think that is.

Did you think of reading OP's posts at all?

Maybe for the same reason the other party have not ended it thus far? Wanting to keep the family together? However, in my case I had offered numerous times to spilt up, many many times but they did not want to.
I may have been hurting the other person but I can guarantee you it was not intentional and other than lying there and allow someone to have sex with my body when I was not receptive, was beyond my control.

That's another thing people do not get, it was not something I could control or I would have fixed it. You either want to have sex with someone or you don't and it is IMPOSSIBLE to turn feelings on that are not there, God knows I tried.

Exactly. So, the marriage is clearly dead.

OP does not want a flat mate or loveless shags without commitment outside of her marriage, she would like to receive kind words, flattery, physical touch and sometimes sex from her Husband who she still fancies and loves.

You are early 30s and haven't had sex for 3 years when married 😱 this is awful! He won't even show you any affection, it isn't a marriage anymore, you are housemates raising kids together. You are still young, I think you need to end this for your own sake and find someone who will love you and show you the affection/intimacy that is normally shared in a marriage. I don't think you are weird or some sort of sex addict for wanting sex, you've hung around 3 years patiently waiting and it hasn't got any better, time to move on I think.

A few people have suggested an affair. This should not be the answer. If your self esteem is affected by the lack of intimacy how will you feel when you lose your integrity, honesty and trustworthiness.

Affairs cause PISD, a form of PTSD. They are abusive.

Read John Gottmans books and ask your husband to read them too. Book a counsellor tell him your marriage is failing, you are attending marriage counselling to save your marriage. Put it in writing so he cannot rewrite what happened later.

You need to increase intimacy and possibly take sex completely off the table (sounds daft but maybe that is why he withdraws from cuddles).

Its not about sex

It's about him not caring how you feel, him putting himself first, his needs and wants taking precedence, his comfort zone being continuously prioritised, and him not loving you enough to try to help you feel loved, cherished, and important

If this issue was just about the act of sex, it could be relatively easily sorted

Your partner is a very selfish, damaged man

You deserve love and happiness. You deserve joy

Please don't under explain this as 'just sex'

That’s a dangerous path to go down. It might work for some people, but in most cases it leads to disaster.

For a start you can’t always control how you feel. The OP might begin an affair that is “just about sex” then find she’s in love with the guy.

Second, her husband doesn’t sound like a bad man. If she has an affair it will hurt him, badly. Does he really deserve that?

Third (and this is the most serious), how will the children react? Young girls in particular can be very protective of their dad. The OP’s children might never forgive her.

Even if she does go on a dating site and find some random hook up is that really going to help? The OP clearly needs more than just sex. She wants love, cuddling, intimacy, etc. A quick shag with some random guy in a field or a grotty flat will probably leave her feeling worse, not better.

The whole situation sounds really sad tbh. The OP describes him as like her best friend, so there’s obviously something worth fighting for. I think she needs to tell him that she is sending the kids to her mother for the evening so they can have a serious talk. You know, make a big deal of it. Then she needs to lay it on the line and tell him to get his medical problem seen to. Could depression or anxiety/stress play a part? He’s being a fool. Does he realise how bad you truly feel? Or that he risks losing everything?

Tell him that you will leave if he doesn't seek help for whatever his issue is. Give him that final chance.

Personally I doubt I'd leave in this situation because I can't see myself being this badly affected, but having never been there I suppose I can't say for sure.

Second, her husband doesn’t sound like a bad man. If she has an affair it will hurt him, badly. Does he really deserve that?

He doesn't sound great to me. Doesn't seem to have much regard for her wellbeing.

I can't agree with this enough. There's a happier life out there for you and your children