Page 8 | To destroy my family for sex?

Daebak · 2023-07-09T09:06:41+00:00

Obviously slightly hyperbolic title, but also honestly how I feel sometimes. I know there has already been quite a few threads on this sort of thing before (I believe I have searched and read every one) so I will summarise the important bits. Yes, I have tried to talk to him about it. This usually ends in one of two outcomes. He refuses to talk about it at all, or he starts promising to try more. I swing between feeling like a sex pest for even mentioning how unhappy I am and feeling angry at DH seemingly just not caring about the pain he is causing me. It would make it easier if he was honest. I’ve begged him for the brutal truth so I can try to fix whatever it is. He says he is still attracted to me, that there is no problem and I’m making a fuss about nothing, that he wants me…but nothing ever changes and there is clearly a huge problem. It’s hard to describe the deep soul crushing despair that the man I love just isn’t interested in me ‘that way’ at all. He does have a medical issue, but he is seeking no help for it. I’ve even made him appointments when he has expressed a wish to get help that he just doesn’t bother showing up to. It is also more than just the sex. There is no physical intimacy at all. And the effect it has had on me feels catastrophic. I used to be quite confident and happy, bubbly even. Now I feel so unattractive, like a Quasimodo figure lurching around the house. We have two children, upper primary ages. The thought of me turning their word upside down ‘just’ because I’m not having sex is ridiculous and selfish isn’t it? Apart from this issue DH and I are like best friends, the dc and DH are very happy. That’s what I keep telling myself. But I’m not exaggerating when I say I’m a shell of my former self. I feel anxious, depressed and at one very low point had very dark thoughts. It sounds ridiculous and shallow of me that this has had such an effect, but it really has. Has anyone stayed/left in this situation? Many of the threads I’ve read don’t really cover whether it was worth it to leave an otherwise happy marriage for sex.

MouseSculptureMadeOfOldHairbrushFluff · 09/07/2023 13:24

You have the veneer of a happy marriage without any of the substance of a happy marriage.

It would be over for me if I were in your shoes. You've exhausted all avenues but he's not going to change. And you're not destroying anything, you're responding to choices that he's made.

BathroomOnTheRight · 09/07/2023 13:25

Gettingbysomehow · 09/07/2023 13:19

I don't believe in threats or forcing people to have sex they don't want it, it's controlling and downright nasty.
There are many reasons why people go off it, nothing to do with not loving you.
ED, menopause, trauma.
You can't force your husband to have sex with you, neither can you issue ultimatums and yes your family will suffer for it. You will hurt the people you love.
How you deal with that is up to you.

Read ALL of OP's posts on here. It's not about sex itself. He also recoils if she tries to touch or cuddle him. No cuddles from him in a year and a half. And she has tried everything to fix their marriage. He won't try at all.

BathroomOnTheRight · 09/07/2023 13:25

That last post was to @Gettingbysomehow .

Aria999 · 09/07/2023 13:25

He is being a bit weird about it I think. Calling you a nymphomaniac is really rude!

I had a couple of years when I didn't want sex after the birth of dd2. DH was lovely about it and never made me feel bad though I know from other conversations that it's an important part of a relationship to him. We were able to be physically intimate because he didn't use it to try and initiate sex. And i always found him attractive and frequently said so. To my relief I just got over it one day, quite suddenly.

But your situation sounds more deep and complicated.

Arabels · 09/07/2023 13:26

Yeah I think happiness is a bit of a red herring in this context. It can be hard to recognise and it comes gently-it’s not something to go chasing. But if you’re saying ‘my marriage is making me feel like a shadow of my former self and I’m deeply miserable’, that’s not something you have to live with.

Aria999 · 09/07/2023 13:28

Also I don't think ultimatums are the way forward.

You want him to want to be physical with you. The best an ultimatum will get you is him doing it when he doesn't want to, which would be beyond awful.

Lexibug · 09/07/2023 13:30

There's a really good book called Mind the Gap by Dr Karen Gurney that looks at why sex in long term relationships drops off, and has exercises you can work through together and separately to build intimacy and talk about sex. Might be worth a shot for the cost of a book?

AndyMcFlurry · 09/07/2023 13:31

Grumpigal · 09/07/2023 10:50

You wouldn’t be leaving just for “sex”, you’d be leaving because your husband either cannot or will not address an issue that has affected you the extent you have questioned your body, your character and even your life.

Not only has he removed any sense of intimacy from your without your consent or consultation, he has the brazenness to gaslight you about it. “I do still fancy you, there’s nothing wrong” etc.

The relationship is over, even if you can recover intimacy, will you ever fully love and respect him again when he has so casually and brutally destroyed you?

This. You’ve tried lots of things to fix it and he doesn’t care enough to even try to engage.

suburbophobe · 09/07/2023 13:32

Women who want and enjoy sex are viewed with suspicion, especially by other women.

What a load of rubbish. Are you living in the 1950s?

dottiedodah · 09/07/2023 13:33

I think this is a difficult one TBH. If you leave and go it alone, its tempting to hope you may meet someone new and sex will be off the scale.However realistically OLD is a bit of a minefield and can be unreliable .However this sort of life is hard for a young woman . Maybe some marriage counselling may help? Perhaps he feels embarrassed at not being interested in sex ,or has performance issues.

changeyerheadworzel · 09/07/2023 13:39

Just a few thoughts from the other side of the fence. It is EXTREMELY hard to have sex with someone if there is no attraction, want, need or urge there. I would imagine it is much harder physically for a man than a woman here purely of the need to get an erection to actually have sex.
People talk about the frustration, shame, resentment and lack of caring how the other party feels when someone does not want to have sex but when you are the one being asked to have sex when you don't want to also leads to these feelings. There is deep shame at not being able to. There is the resentment of being constantly asked to fix something you cannot. You do end up feeling resentful at being touched, cuddled and kissed because you know deep down they want more. Being constantly quizzed as to why, being asked if maybe tonight, having to lie to someone's face and say you still fancy them, getting so uncomfortable during sex scenes on the tv and feeling like a failure and having this innate hatred for yourself because you are not "normal".
People only ever see if from the person who is not getting sex and affection and maybe don't realise that the other person is suffering in their own right.
Both places are absolutely shit to be.

FancyShmanci · 09/07/2023 13:39

DamaskRosie · 09/07/2023 12:50

Also (I have lots of thoughts on this) I realised after we split that he’d been rejecting me on every level. Conversation, small acts of kindness, everything. Sex is the big thing we point to in relationships but it’s all about communication really

This is such a good point. Relationship counsellors sometimes talk about "bids for connection"- a bid for connection is any attempt to connect, which could be verbal ("how was your day?") or physical (anything from initiating sex to taking someone's hand or even just smiling at them). Sometimes the other partner will respond- a successful bid- and sometimes they will shut down the connection- an unsuccessful one. Even in the happiest marriage not all bids are successful (eg you're trying to ask your partner about his day but he's distracted by his phone) but in happy marriages a high proportion of bids will be, while in unhappy marriages it's a low proportion.

The impression I get from OP is that her physical bids are all unsuccessful now- not just sex but also any attempt at affectionate touching. I'd be interested to know whether her husband is responsive and connected in conversation or whether he is also rejecting her there.

That is one of the best posts I've ever read on Mumsnet (or anywhere else for that matter).

I've been to lots of therapists but never heard that put so well.

SayHi · 09/07/2023 13:44

Hawkins0001 · 09/07/2023 13:04

To save the marriage @Daebak
What about having an affair ? That way you can have your cuppa tea so to speak, and keep the family unit together too.

Overall success

I hope this is a joke.

3BSHKATS · 09/07/2023 13:49

SayHi · 09/07/2023 13:44

I hope this is a joke.

Show quote history

Ask anybody who’s been on the receiving end of an affair, and they don’t generally care about the sex. It’s the lies that the person had to tell in order to have the sex that pisses people right off.

BelieveThemtheFirstTime · 09/07/2023 13:54

Gettingbysomehow · 09/07/2023 13:19

I don't believe in threats or forcing people to have sex they don't want it, it's controlling and downright nasty.
There are many reasons why people go off it, nothing to do with not loving you.
ED, menopause, trauma.
You can't force your husband to have sex with you, neither can you issue ultimatums and yes your family will suffer for it. You will hurt the people you love.
How you deal with that is up to you.

No one’s suggesting forcing OP’s H to have sex with her. PP are saying that OP’s H needs to want to explore fixing whatever issue that makes him not want to show any physical affection towards her. A stroke on the arm, an arm around the shoulder, holding hands, legs interlocked in bed, a cuddle and a kiss is not too much to expect in a relationship.

VitoCorleoneOfMNMafia · 09/07/2023 13:55

Divorce really can affect children badly, no matter how 'Carefully' it is done.
They are the real 'Losers' when it comes to divorce very often.

Watching your mum work herself into the ground whilst dad does his hobby stuff affects children badly too. Never going abroad on holiday because dad is too skinflint to pay for it but can find £thousands for his hobbies affects children badly. Listening to your parents argue about this stuff when you've gone to bed affects children badly.

My mum getting a spine and leaving my dad modelled assertiveness and a refusal to be taken granted any more, which was highly beneficial for us.

Led921900 · 09/07/2023 13:55

changeyerheadworzel · 09/07/2023 13:39

Just a few thoughts from the other side of the fence. It is EXTREMELY hard to have sex with someone if there is no attraction, want, need or urge there. I would imagine it is much harder physically for a man than a woman here purely of the need to get an erection to actually have sex.
People talk about the frustration, shame, resentment and lack of caring how the other party feels when someone does not want to have sex but when you are the one being asked to have sex when you don't want to also leads to these feelings. There is deep shame at not being able to. There is the resentment of being constantly asked to fix something you cannot. You do end up feeling resentful at being touched, cuddled and kissed because you know deep down they want more. Being constantly quizzed as to why, being asked if maybe tonight, having to lie to someone's face and say you still fancy them, getting so uncomfortable during sex scenes on the tv and feeling like a failure and having this innate hatred for yourself because you are not "normal".
People only ever see if from the person who is not getting sex and affection and maybe don't realise that the other person is suffering in their own right.
Both places are absolutely shit to be.

But if you feel like that and know you’re hurting the other person why not end the relationship for their sake?

VitoCorleoneOfMNMafia · 09/07/2023 13:57

You deserve better than being called a "nymphomaniac" for wanting sex with your own husband. His right to say no doesn't extend to verbal abuse. This makes me think that your marriage is over.

Hawkins0001 · 09/07/2023 13:58

SayHi · 09/07/2023 13:44

I hope this is a joke.

Show quote history

Why?
You only have to read the various threads on here to Gage why people have affairs and keep the marriage together.

If the stabilisers of the family unit is the main priority then to help achieve that could an affair be an option. Why is that omg thinking?

MouseSculptureMadeOfOldHairbrushFluff · 09/07/2023 13:59

3BSHKATS · 09/07/2023 13:49

Ask anybody who’s been on the receiving end of an affair, and they don’t generally care about the sex. It’s the lies that the person had to tell in order to have the sex that pisses people right off.

Show quote history

The OP doesn't want an extra-marital affair so it's irrelevant to her situation. but if I was in a marriage where sex had been removed from the equation for the past three years and I then embarked on an affair, I'm not sure I'd care very much if my spouse was upset about being lied to. Tidier all round to end the marriage first before starting anything new, but I'd most definitely be putting my needs first.

Hawkins0001 · 09/07/2023 14:00

MouseSculptureMadeOfOldHairbrushFluff · 09/07/2023 13:59

The OP doesn't want an extra-marital affair so it's irrelevant to her situation. but if I was in a marriage where sex had been removed from the equation for the past three years and I then embarked on an affair, I'm not sure I'd care very much if my spouse was upset about being lied to. Tidier all round to end the marriage first before starting anything new, but I'd most definitely be putting my needs first.

Show quote history

I didn't realize that, in this case then my perspectives are moot

wheresmymojo · 09/07/2023 14:00

It's such a horrible situation all round...

I am the other side of your situation. I love my DH but we haven't had sex for a long time.

I have absolutely zero sex drive or desire (I haven't always been this way).

DH doesn't even ask because he knows I don't have any desire and doesn't want to feel like he's coercing me into having sex when I don't want to because that's a bit grim (he's a lovely man).

If he turned around one day and said he couldn't stay, I'd understand TBH though it would be a massive shame to lose what we have.

VitoCorleoneOfMNMafia · 09/07/2023 14:01

Hawkins0001 · 09/07/2023 13:58

Why?
You only have to read the various threads on here to Gage why people have affairs and keep the marriage together.

If the stabilisers of the family unit is the main priority then to help achieve that could an affair be an option. Why is that omg thinking?

Show quote history

Why is that omg thinking?

Because it breaks the "forsaking all others" clause of the marriage vows? Because it turns the marriage into a sham based on lies and deceit?

MouseSculptureMadeOfOldHairbrushFluff · 09/07/2023 14:02

VitoCorleoneOfMNMafia · 09/07/2023 14:01

Why is that omg thinking?

Because it breaks the "forsaking all others" clause of the marriage vows? Because it turns the marriage into a sham based on lies and deceit?

Show quote history

the marriage is already a sham.

yipeeyiyay · 09/07/2023 14:03

Wow wow wow. How different the replies are when it is a woman complaining. When it's a man, it all 'well if you'll leave her because of lack of sex then you are shallow/sex pest/abusive/controlling, maybe you should do more of the domestic work' etc.

I feel whether it is from a man or a woman, if you are not compatible, no one is the baddie. It's just not a relationship that's going to work