To destroy my family for sex?

[Daebak]

Obviously slightly hyperbolic title, but also honestly how I feel sometimes.

I know there has already been quite a few threads on this sort of thing before (I believe I have searched and read every one) so I will summarise the important bits.

Yes, I have tried to talk to him about it. This usually ends in one of two outcomes. He refuses to talk about it at all, or he starts promising to try more.

I swing between feeling like a sex pest for even mentioning how unhappy I am and feeling angry at DH seemingly just not caring about the pain he is causing me.

It would make it easier if he was honest. I’ve begged him for the brutal truth so I can try to fix whatever it is. He says he is still attracted to me, that there is no problem and I’m making a fuss about nothing, that he wants me…but nothing ever changes and there is clearly a huge problem.

It’s hard to describe the deep soul crushing despair that the man I love just isn’t interested in me ‘that way’ at all.

He does have a medical issue, but he is seeking no help for it. I’ve even made him appointments when he has expressed a wish to get help that he just doesn’t bother showing up to.

It is also more than just the sex. There is no physical intimacy at all. And the effect it has had on me feels catastrophic. I used to be quite confident and happy, bubbly even. Now I feel so unattractive, like a Quasimodo figure lurching around the house.

We have two children, upper primary ages. The thought of me turning their word upside down ‘just’ because I’m not having sex is ridiculous and selfish isn’t it? Apart from this issue DH and I are like best friends, the dc and DH are very happy. That’s what I keep telling myself.

But I’m not exaggerating when I say I’m a shell of my former self. I feel anxious, depressed and at one very low point had very dark thoughts. It sounds ridiculous and shallow of me that this has had such an effect, but it really has.

Has anyone stayed/left in this situation? Many of the threads I’ve read don’t really cover whether it was worth it to leave an otherwise happy marriage for sex.

While it may be eye opening or inspiring what this situation felt for others, it will be unique for the two of you. Different underlying issues to the lack of sex.

From you OP I read you feel insecure and unattractive because of no sex. Perhaps therapy would help uncover why you feel like this. Not trying to say its your fault. You seem to have different views /needs as the time in your marriage goes on and you want to see if you get them aligned or accept that they are different.

So you openly admit that you believe it's a man's problem whether it's him not wanting sex or her not wanting sex. Don't like men much do you.

From you OP I read you feel insecure and unattractive because of no sex. Perhaps therapy would help uncover why you feel like this

Because her husband hasn't had sex with her for three years and hasn't hugged or kissed her for over a year. There you go....no need for therapy.

From you OP I read you feel insecure and unattractive because of no sex. Perhaps therapy would help uncover why you feel like this.

Pay a therapist to find out why her spouse not wanting any physical contact with her makes her feel insecure?

Come on.

Must feel like a very lonely existence. Harder to be with someone making you feel like this than alone imo. All the best.

My first marriage (when I was very young) was like this. I felt so ugly, disgusting, couldn't work out why I was constantly being rejected.
It took a long time to realise I was attractive to the opposite sex, and I did the right thing by leaving him, but I will never forget that crippling feeling I had that I must be gross and what it did to my self confidence.
I is very difficult for the OP she has 2 DC's and has been married a while, I really feel for her, it is a very tough decision.
I had some therapy which helped me to think more clearly, to work out and make my decision. Only two sessions but it was enough.
I think if the OP can get the practicalities of separation sorted in her head then she can address her feelings and whether she can continue in this way.
I can only send the OP best wishes for a better future xx

Just wanted to say that I am in a similar situation. There is occasional sex, but hand holding, kissing, hugging are now off the table. I have stopped initiating these things, as they were clearly unwelcome.

I am not sure what to do, but it is very lonely and I believe that for the OP it is not (just) about sex, it is the overall lack of intimacy. It is hard to believe someone loves you if they won't even touch you.

@BeeDavis · Today 11:01
The replies on this are so different to threads where the OP is moaning about her husband wanting sex but she doesn’t. Very very different. It’s interesting.

I was thinking the very same myself, it's a very interesting when the perspective is from the other side of the couple.
Sexual imbalance or varying needs are very hard to navigate in a relationship. Most men experience this during pregnancy and early years while the mothers energy is directed at the children. It's understandable in this case as hormones, emotions, tiredness, breast feeding are factors and usually the relationship resumes as before.
Any unreciprocated emotions and feelings in any couple eventually wear down the party needing more involvement.
In the long run your own happiness and needs are paramount, nobody can endure rejection and being unfulfilled in the long term.

I didn't want ANY physical contact either because I KNEW that would lead him on, give him a green light, get his hopes up, open the portal of him touching me etc. I had no problem hugging but there was that horrible expectation there just hanging when I did. Any kind of gentle affection gave him hope and I could not deliver and that made me feel absolutely horrible as a person., I didn't want this kind of control over someone, I hated it. I used to wish something would happen and he would be left impotent and then we could be happy. He got very frustrated and called me frigid and cold. I couldn't help it. I did not have those feelings for him. I tried everything, literally everything to try change my feelings but nothing worked because at the end of the day no counselling is going to fix whether you fancy someone or not. If attraction is not there, it is not there and no wizard can put a spell on you to change that. I really wish people understood that. I grew to really resent him, always wanting to talk about it, broach the subject and ask me to try. I will never understand how ANYONE asks someone to TRY and have sex with them or to MAKE AN EFFORT to. If someone had to try or make an effort to have sex with you..what's the point in that?

@Toastfortwo Calling OP a nymphomaniac is abusive. Her "D" H is treating her like a toy he doesnt want to play with anymore but also doesnt want anyone else to play with it either. HE broke the marriage vows long ago.

@JodyMitchell your post is bang on. Its the reason why women cant talk about this. Because we arent suppossed to like sex let alone have the temerity to leave a relationship over it.

And its not just sex, Its the hugs cuddles and affection and all the intimacy that surrounds it

@Daebak How old were you when you started dating DH

In-laws have gone home and I’m planning to have another go at talking with DH when the dc are in bed.

I’ve been out to pick up his favourite wine in the hopes that it will relax him enough to actually talk to me about this!

I do have a sinking feeling in my stomach though, despite the bravado some of the posts have given me I think I know deep down what the result will be. It was quite a shock reading some answers and realising that if I found out DH was having an affair or was even gay that I would mainly feel relief. That it wasn’t just because of me.

It's definitely time to leave OP. Not having sex can be a big issue but the no kissing and cuddling is the end of the road and if he's not willing to put in any effort e.g Dr's, therapy or even being honest then there is no marriage to save. Your kids will be okay x

@JenniferBooth I was 22.

I hope he'll have the decency to at least discuss it with you @Daebak

Hmm i was almost 19

23 years between me and DHage wise, Been together 31 years. Hes 73 and i turned 50 last month Pre pandemic ...... Physical relationship stopped when i was 23. Thats anything physical No hugs.....anything Met OM who is 17 years older when i was 30 Stopped seeing him when i was 34.
Post pandemic. In August 2021 i became very depressed and was suicidal I could not get OM out of my head. I knew he was going to turn 65 at the end of that month and had a horrible feeling of time running out. I agonized for five weeks before i wrote to him Put my no in the letter and he texted me back straight away. There had been no one since me. He had a mild stroke six years ago. Started seeing each other again in Oct 21. NO ED at all despite the mild stroke and diabetes which is very under control. Hes 66 It was like the thirteen years + that we were apart never happened. It was like the time between just fell inwards and 2003 2005 06 07 joined with 2021. Its not just the sex which is wonderful Its the affection and all the intimacy surrounding it. That disappers too. when men have problems Because a lot of men wont even hug you in case you expect more. OM is also the only man ive been able to let go and be completely wanton with. Hes the only man ive been able to use a sex toy in front of Thats because of trust I would have been too embarassed to do that with DH or anyone else.

I’d say to him he has 2 options 1. You go to intensive marriage counselling. This might end in you staying together or leaving. Or 2. You split up now and work out how to do that with as little pain as possible.

He has a right to say “no” but you have the right to leave. You are not unreasonable at all.

I'm pretty disgusted that some people on this thread have suggested you have an affair to save your marriage. That really isn't how you save a marriage and to be brutally honest I'm not sure you have a marriage here to save. An honest conversation and a decision on where you go from here is needed, which I'm glad to read is the action you are going to take. Some people really have no morals, no wonder so many relationships breakdown if that's how people act.

@LivinDaylights yeah cos the DH has done totes loads to try and save his marriage. Would love to see where he got the idea from that calling his wife a nymphomaniac would help Probably some misogynistic 1970s film given thats when the word was used a lot

The OP's DH has a medical condition but won't do anything about it.
My DH has a serious medical condition and the treatment has many unpleasant physical effects and psychological effects. Lack of libido, ED, lack of affection, more solitary/distant and much more irritable than he was before. Hopefully this will end soon but it is soul destroying and eats you up inside. The lack of affection is the worst aspect. The medical profession don't even seem to acknowledge the problems this causes. It was not even mentioned at diagnosis and seems I'm not supposed not to mind because hopefully it cures him but makes me feel utterly wretched.

I endured 14 years of my husband not wanting sex and refusing to discuss it. Like the OP, I tried everything, offered everything I could think of. Eventually, in my early fifties, I left and moved over 200 miles away to make a fresh start. Within two months, my husband had moved in with a male partner. I started dating, rebuilt my life, and have just married the most wonderful, loving, caring man. I am 58, he's 63. We have glorious sex and lots of it, and I am showered with love, laughter and joy every single day. My only regret is not leaving sooner. It's never too late. Good luck OP.

I feel for you, OP. Forget trying to cajole him into therapy but please consider seeking it out for yourself. You are in emotional turmoil and it could surely help to talk that over with someone.

I think after 3 years I’d be advising any man to leave too. It doesn’t matter whether it’s a man or woman.

Because it’s the lies and deceit that go with it.
I think you are confused about what a healthy relationship looks like.

If you are happy for your DH to have affairs behind your back then that’s your issue to deal with but most partners don’t lie to each other and have sex with other people behind each others backs.

@JenniferBooth

If you like the OM so much then why aren’t you giving yourself to him 100% and starting a relationship with him?

You can’t like someone if you act like they’re a dirty little secret.

Wow @JenniferBooth that’s amazing. So good you were able to get a second chance and turn your life around.