To destroy my family for sex?

[Daebak]

Obviously slightly hyperbolic title, but also honestly how I feel sometimes.

I know there has already been quite a few threads on this sort of thing before (I believe I have searched and read every one) so I will summarise the important bits.

Yes, I have tried to talk to him about it. This usually ends in one of two outcomes. He refuses to talk about it at all, or he starts promising to try more.

I swing between feeling like a sex pest for even mentioning how unhappy I am and feeling angry at DH seemingly just not caring about the pain he is causing me.

It would make it easier if he was honest. I’ve begged him for the brutal truth so I can try to fix whatever it is. He says he is still attracted to me, that there is no problem and I’m making a fuss about nothing, that he wants me…but nothing ever changes and there is clearly a huge problem.

It’s hard to describe the deep soul crushing despair that the man I love just isn’t interested in me ‘that way’ at all.

He does have a medical issue, but he is seeking no help for it. I’ve even made him appointments when he has expressed a wish to get help that he just doesn’t bother showing up to.

It is also more than just the sex. There is no physical intimacy at all. And the effect it has had on me feels catastrophic. I used to be quite confident and happy, bubbly even. Now I feel so unattractive, like a Quasimodo figure lurching around the house.

We have two children, upper primary ages. The thought of me turning their word upside down ‘just’ because I’m not having sex is ridiculous and selfish isn’t it? Apart from this issue DH and I are like best friends, the dc and DH are very happy. That’s what I keep telling myself.

But I’m not exaggerating when I say I’m a shell of my former self. I feel anxious, depressed and at one very low point had very dark thoughts. It sounds ridiculous and shallow of me that this has had such an effect, but it really has.

Has anyone stayed/left in this situation? Many of the threads I’ve read don’t really cover whether it was worth it to leave an otherwise happy marriage for sex.

Yes because they want their cake and to eat it too.

I’d say men have affairs for similar reasons because they ‘love’ their wife and want the security of still having them but they want the fun sex side too.

For me, I think if you want to act single then be single.
You cannot have it both ways.

OP this sounds awful andjustsoul destroying. Not only does he want no sex, but he also shows no affection. This is not a functional relationship and in order to take care of yourself and your own needs, I think you would need to leave. You deserve better.

It is not the lack of sex that will destroy your family. What will destroy your family is the toxic environment where you all live: Mum frustrated and feeling rejected, a dad/husband who couldn’t care less, children growing up thinking that this is the way relationships work.

Your marriage is dead already, whether you stay or leave. Your choice is to leave and live in hope or stay and die inside, slowly and miserably, one day at the time.

I got around this issue with my husband by having purely sexual affairs. He meets my needs relationship wise and other men meet my sexual needs.

I’ve currently got a liver on the go who is out of this world at sex but I would never have a relationship with.

It's not that's destroying the marriage, you've done all you possible can to fix it. It's him that's let it rot.

Also (I have lots of thoughts on this) I realised after we split that he’d been rejecting me on every level. Conversation, small acts of kindness, everything. Sex is the big thing we point to in relationships but it’s all about communication really

This is such a good point. Relationship counsellors sometimes talk about "bids for connection"- a bid for connection is any attempt to connect, which could be verbal ("how was your day?") or physical (anything from initiating sex to taking someone's hand or even just smiling at them). Sometimes the other partner will respond- a successful bid- and sometimes they will shut down the connection- an unsuccessful one. Even in the happiest marriage not all bids are successful (eg you're trying to ask your partner about his day but he's distracted by his phone) but in happy marriages a high proportion of bids will be, while in unhappy marriages it's a low proportion.

The impression I get from OP is that her physical bids are all unsuccessful now- not just sex but also any attempt at affectionate touching. I'd be interested to know whether her husband is responsive and connected in conversation or whether he is also rejecting her there.

You've literally done all you can and he has done nothing.

You don't have to tell other ppl it's specifically about sex just that he has changed how he is with you, you're not happy, you've tried to work on it but he won't engage. That's all true. The sex is probably the icing on the cake of many other issues!

3 years is an awful long time but don’t have an affair. It will destroy everything and everybody will resent you forever and ultimately you will split up with DH anyway then. So I would make plans for you 2 to split and you never know maybe some time apart may make DH realise what he’s lost and desire you once again once you are not his, especially if he’s very jealous. He might just need that sharp shock to do something. I think if I was in your position I could live with no sex as long as DH was loving and we had other intimacy and it sounds like you probably could too.

Fair enough. I did not read all op's replies just thought it was worth sharing from the other side, as I didn't realise how I was making my partner feel at all and it took him a while to communicate properly.

I hope things get better OP.
But if you’ve talked and explained and nothings getting better and you’re feeling the way you do I would leave and try and keep the separation as amicable as possible.
But I want to reassure you that ultimately if you’ve tried and tried and he hasn’t it’s him that’s at fault for the divorce not you for pressing the button. If the kids get upset, who’s at fault? The person who has been trying for three years or the person who hasn’t (whatever the reason).
We’ve gone through sexless times but always talked/resolved, no way could I crack on for 3 years when it was bothering so much!

HAPPY MUM = HAPPY KIDS

You’re unhappy, no matter what the reason, you’re unhappy.

You get one life only.

Whatever you do to get your needs met- have a FWB, end the relationship, honestly I wouldn’t blame you, you’ve tried your best and he’s making no effort, in fact he seems to be managing things to sabotage any intimacy. Could he be being unfaithful? Could he be gay?
DH and I haven’t had sex for over a year which I’m not happy about but we have intimacy in other ways- he comes up to me from behind and puts his arms round my waist while I’m cooking, I’ll slyly cup his bum while we’re queuing at passport control etc. That does keep some intimacy going, although not as good as sex obviously. We’re in our 50s and 60s. I think you’re too young to give up on that side of life.

@3BSHKATS

it doesn’t matter whether the kids care or not
op’s happiness is important regardless

Exactly this!

It doesn’t matter if it’s because he’s grumpy, lazy, rude, lacks intimacy etc.

The facts are you aren’t happy.

I know many men who’ve left sexless relationships and I don’t think you should feel guilty for doing the same.

There will always be a reason to stay.

But if you’re unhappy and you’ve tried to make it work and it still doesn’t then it’s time to leave.

To save the marriage @Daebak
What about having an affair ? That way you can have your cuppa tea so to speak, and keep the family unit together too.

Overall success

OP, I left a marriage pretty much the same as you describe. I have almost no sex at all and certainly a lot less than when we were together and I feel much, much better.
Its not the lack of the physical act its having to endure the constant rejection by the person who stood up in front of all your loved ones and said 'With my body I thee worship' and then very pointedly didn't.

As a side note the lack of sex was the tip of the iceberg. It was a symptom of alcoholism and there was an OW who's clothing I found in a drawer after he left.

We do have a bit of an age gap, I’m early thirties and DH is late forties.

Given that his age is typical for the onset of male hypogonadism, don't you think it's worth looking into before rearranging your life?

https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC1569444/

@LaMaG

op’s happiness absolutely is worth uprooting things.
can’t think of a better reason tbh

@MissConductUS well that's the responsibility of her DH, not her.

I don't believe in threats or forcing people to have sex they don't want it, it's controlling and downright nasty.
There are many reasons why people go off it, nothing to do with not loving you.
ED, menopause, trauma.
You can't force your husband to have sex with you, neither can you issue ultimatums and yes your family will suffer for it. You will hurt the people you love.
How you deal with that is up to you.

Yes my ex had a problem and essentially choose to finish our sex life without any discussion by refusing to deal with a reversible issue. This lead to a complete breakdown of the relationship.

I’m in the same situation really except it’s my DW that has enforced the celibacy. I’ve brought it up many times and the furthest I’ve ever got is her saying “it’s just not important to me”. I also agree it’s not just sex, it’s the intimacy, it’s the cuddling, the touching (non sexually), the feeling of being desired or wanted.

I’ve done all the things people suggest and we share burdens of family and household well. The intimacy, both physically and emotionally, aside we have a good marriage (appreciate that’s possibly a contradiction in terms), we laugh, the kids are happy, we don’t argue other than the odd bicker etc.

Theres been many times I’ve wondered where to go from here and I honestly just can’t imagine talking to people about it and it being a “real” reason to split up/blow the life of DS and DD up; really it’s the latter that weighs on my mind the most. Psychologically I think this situation is really quite difficult to deal with for whoever is going through it and that’s something that shouldn’t be underestimated.

Well that’s true but he has a fundamental responsibility to engage with the problem, and he’s doing absolutely nothing about that other than belittling the OP.

It’s a crap man classic tbh. Make no attempt to understand or explain themselves and leave a woman tying herself into knots trying to make sense of it all.

“happy mum/dad = happy kids”

Is the biggest piece of bollocks ever sold to an unsuspecting public.

To be fair, researchers were trying to convey the extent to which a high tension relationship can have devastating impacts on the children. But the media got hold of it, day time TV was fairly new and it all sort of ran away from the original intent and research.

I hope my dad was happy. I hope he felt the price paid by everybody impacted was worth it. I hope at least one person got a win.

However the people who lost, including his children & his parents, did not get a “dad happy = kids happy” outcome.

Not least because when a couple with children spilts, the one who ends it can only control their own actions. Nobody gets to dictate how the parent who feels devastated behaves and reacts. Nor the extent to which their pain will wash all over their kids. The leaver IME often overlooks the untidy uncontrollability of somebody else’s deeply hurt feeling, and has no plan when it kicks off. No plan can mean their own sinking standards of personal behaviour as everybody gets lost in which tit was for what tat and whose fault it is anyway.

If nothing else that’s where the “happy exiting parent = happy kids” first falls apart.

Because the one who did not instigate the split can be many shades of really not happy at all. Which is no fun for the children. No matter the extent to which you can say they can and should have behaved better, the fact remains they didn’t. And even if they tired their absolute best to control against lashing out, it’s hellish to see a parent you love in that kind of pain.