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AIBU?

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Original poster

It’s me or the dog

127 replies

flowergod13 · 09/07/2023 08:35

Hi I’m looking for some advice or if anyone has gone through anything similar just hear me as I don’t know what to do.

We have a lovely 18m dog who I feel desperately sorry for as she does not get the time and attention she really deserves.

We are family with 2 young children and both work. My partner often works away ranging from 1 night to over a week.
Over the last 6 months both our jobs have been become more demanding and the need to travel has increased, which is only going to continue. I am finding that I am unable to go to meetings due to not being able to leave the dog as my partner is away, which can not continue.

As my partner is away a lot of the time I am often left to deal with everything, kids, house and the dog alone. I am finding that I can not cope anymore and at the top of my stress limit.
As a result of these circumstances she is missing her walks unless it’s a day the dog walker can take her and gets no other attention as once I have sorted the kids I am normally back to finishing work or it is too late and the kids are in bed so I can’t then take her for a walk.

She is full of energy and obviously needs to be exercised and I think because of the lack of this she has chewed bits of kitchen and the rug when I have left her for small period of time to pick the kids up from school.

At weekends when we don’t work we are still pretty busy with kids clubs etc and have even paid for the dog walker to take her then which obviously costs us money, and really I think we should be taking her at weekends but we just don’t have time.

When partner is at home, I am still the one who does all the house chores and clean up after her (he won’t pick up poo) like it seems labs do she sheds a lot so I have vacuum every day again he doesn’t do this.

Even though I would be devastated I have suggested rehoming her and I believe it is the best for her as she is wasted with us and can see she is unhappy. My partner disagrees and said he will walk her more but I just can’t see how this is possible given he his away a-lot of the time.
My fear is I agree with him and it will change for a short period of time before going back to how it is.

I feel so cruel to give her away and like I’m the bad guy but I just don’t think I can continue like this for another 10+years and she is being neglected.

My children love her but they don’t do anything with her. I’m sure they will be upset if she goes but I don’t think it will have a major impact on them.

Thanks for reading.

OP posts:
LadyGardenersQuestionTime · 09/07/2023 08:39

I was in the same situation as you - the dog was DHs choice but he did sweet FA to exercise him or pay him any attention, so the dog was fixated on me.

I had him rehomed. He was an expensive breed and we found a new home for him through the breed group very quickly. He went to a lovely couple with no children and another dog and plenty of time and love to lavish on him. I have absolutely no regrets about rehoming him.

GeorgeMichaelsCat · 09/07/2023 08:39

Which one of you wanted the dog, who was the instigator?

My view is to give the dog up to be rehomed. Sit down with partner and tell him he either steps up or the dog will have to go. It is no life for a dog to be the last on everyone's list, the after thought. The one that someone will not walk due to tiredness / busy with other things.

NoSquirrels · 09/07/2023 08:40

If your partner won’t pick up poo, how can he be in charge of more walks?

You’re right that this is not fair on a young lab. If you don’t have time for her then give to her someone who does. Talk to a local rescue.

FOJN · 09/07/2023 08:42

Dogs are a huge commitment. You do not have time to meet that commitment so I think you are right and the dog needs to be rehomed.

Please don't let this continue, your dog could have a home with someone who has the time she needs to have a great life rather than an OK one.

Don't be persuaded by the emotions of family members eho are either too young to be able to prioritise the dogs needs or old enough to know better but don't help with caring for the dog.

caringcarer · 09/07/2023 08:43

Get up half an hour earlier to walk her or get your DH to do this when he's not working away. Get a dog walker everyday you can't walk your dog. It will be expensive and might motivate you to walk your dog. You must sit down sometime in the evening and you say your dog gets no attention but it takes 5 minutes to pet your dog and speak to it. Make time. You made a commitment to your dog. This dog has done nothing wrong. Yet now you want to offload it. If the dog was a biter, or dangerous I could understand but that doesn't seem to be the case. If you re-home this dog never get another pet as they all require commitment.

MissingMoominMamma · 09/07/2023 08:45

What breed is the dog? My friend, who is about to retire from teaching and lives a very active life, is looking for a dog.

PuppyMonkey · 09/07/2023 08:49

Your crap partner doesn’t get to state an opinion on anything about the dog when he “doesn’t pick up poo.” Please rehome the poor thing - and I’m talking about the dog not your crap DP to be clear. Although…

BigFatLiar · 09/07/2023 08:50

I doubt your OH will step up, especially if he's away a lot. While I believe dogs are great pets for a family, especially with children, they need a lot of attention and not all homes really have the time to care for one properly. Rehomeing the dog is probably best for the dog and for you.

Original poster
flowergod13 · 09/07/2023 08:50

GeorgeMichaelsCat · 09/07/2023 08:39

Which one of you wanted the dog, who was the instigator?

My view is to give the dog up to be rehomed. Sit down with partner and tell him he either steps up or the dog will have to go. It is no life for a dog to be the last on everyone's list, the after thought. The one that someone will not walk due to tiredness / busy with other things.

Him mainly but I did agree to getting her. However I did say that it’s needs to be a family dog and form part of the family ie family walks at weekend, trips to coast etc
i booked a weekend away at the coast with her and he complained that I brought her with us and would have been more pleasant without her 🙄

OP posts:
EggInANest · 09/07/2023 08:51

Point out to DH and children who ‘love’ the dog and would feel emotional to lose her, that they don’t love her if they don’t contribute to her emotional welfare, and that they claim to love the dog but are happy to see her left bored, unwalked, uncared for.

She is an animal with her own needs, not a teddy that can be left under a pillow.

Your DH can’t step up if he is away (and doesn’t when he is home). Your kids are probably too young to walk her alone.

It is not on for you to miss work events because of the dog. Your DH doesn’t compromise his work for the dog, how many more ways are women supposed to scupper their career / salary / pension contributions to support a family?

Original poster
flowergod13 · 09/07/2023 08:53

NoSquirrels · 09/07/2023 08:40

If your partner won’t pick up poo, how can he be in charge of more walks?

You’re right that this is not fair on a young lab. If you don’t have time for her then give to her someone who does. Talk to a local rescue.

He will on walks but not at home. We have artificial grass and quiet often it needs a quick hose down after she has toileted- extra work for him

OP posts:
EvilElsa · 09/07/2023 08:54

I won't bother with the lecture as you clearly know it was absolutely bloody ridiculous to buy a lab puppy (or any puppy really but especially a working breed) in your circumstances.
You need to rehome without a doubt. Do it ASAP while the dog is young.

towriteyoumustlive · 09/07/2023 08:54

How old are the kids?

You need to build a dog walk into your daily routine with the kids.

We have 2 dogs but they belong to my husband and entirely his responsibility! I personally would be happy with no dogs!

Rehoming would be sensible. Dogs are a huge commitment.

GeorgeMichaelsCat · 09/07/2023 08:57

flowergod13 · 09/07/2023 08:50

Him mainly but I did agree to getting her. However I did say that it’s needs to be a family dog and form part of the family ie family walks at weekend, trips to coast etc
i booked a weekend away at the coast with her and he complained that I brought her with us and would have been more pleasant without her 🙄

Show quote history

In that case she needs to be rehomed. He clearly has no concern for the quality of the dogs life and finds her an annoyance.

CrazyArmadilloLady · 09/07/2023 08:59

He refuses to pick up her pop - and you accept that? Why?

He doesn’t get any say in this.

Re-home the pup and do it soon.

JudgeRudy · 09/07/2023 08:59

flowergod13 · 09/07/2023 08:35

Hi I’m looking for some advice or if anyone has gone through anything similar just hear me as I don’t know what to do.

We have a lovely 18m dog who I feel desperately sorry for as she does not get the time and attention she really deserves.

We are family with 2 young children and both work. My partner often works away ranging from 1 night to over a week.
Over the last 6 months both our jobs have been become more demanding and the need to travel has increased, which is only going to continue. I am finding that I am unable to go to meetings due to not being able to leave the dog as my partner is away, which can not continue.

As my partner is away a lot of the time I am often left to deal with everything, kids, house and the dog alone. I am finding that I can not cope anymore and at the top of my stress limit.
As a result of these circumstances she is missing her walks unless it’s a day the dog walker can take her and gets no other attention as once I have sorted the kids I am normally back to finishing work or it is too late and the kids are in bed so I can’t then take her for a walk.

She is full of energy and obviously needs to be exercised and I think because of the lack of this she has chewed bits of kitchen and the rug when I have left her for small period of time to pick the kids up from school.

At weekends when we don’t work we are still pretty busy with kids clubs etc and have even paid for the dog walker to take her then which obviously costs us money, and really I think we should be taking her at weekends but we just don’t have time.

When partner is at home, I am still the one who does all the house chores and clean up after her (he won’t pick up poo) like it seems labs do she sheds a lot so I have vacuum every day again he doesn’t do this.

Even though I would be devastated I have suggested rehoming her and I believe it is the best for her as she is wasted with us and can see she is unhappy. My partner disagrees and said he will walk her more but I just can’t see how this is possible given he his away a-lot of the time.
My fear is I agree with him and it will change for a short period of time before going back to how it is.

I feel so cruel to give her away and like I’m the bad guy but I just don’t think I can continue like this for another 10+years and she is being neglected.

My children love her but they don’t do anything with her. I’m sure they will be upset if she goes but I don’t think it will have a major impact on them.

Thanks for reading.

You say "I feel so cruel to give her away and like I’m the bad guy"....you are the bad guy, and the cruelty isn't giving her away, it's keeping her and continuing to neglect her needs.
You say you don't have time to walk her.....at all! I don't believe you. If you cared enough you would prioritise her needs. You have a paid walker. Continue with that until you can recover her. You owe it to her to nsure she goes to a suitable home, dont just give her away.Maybe the walker has some contacts.
You've made a mistake and you've let her down but you've admitted that now and are doing your best to right your wrongs.
BTW, your OH is equally responsible.

VickyEadieofThigh · 09/07/2023 09:00

This is why rescues are full of young dogs, often. with separation anxiety and other behavioural problems - making them harder to regime.

Do it NOW - the longer this situation goes on (and it's not going to change - you've told us enough about your DH for us to know he likes the IDEA of a dog but hates the reality of it), the harder it is on the dog.

Remove her ASAP - PLEASE.

WilkinsonM · 09/07/2023 09:00

Your partner is a wanker and the pair of you are neglecting that poor dog so rehome her and never get a bloody dog again.

AngryGreasedSantaCatcus · 09/07/2023 09:01

You need to rehome the fog for her own sake. She needs training, stimulation and activity. You also need to do it before she develops too many bad habits due to boredom and loneliness.

You're (and especially him) too selfish to have a dog. That's ok, so am I , which is why we don't have a dog even though OH and DD would love one. But now that you've realised this , you need to do what's best for the dog.

VickyEadieofThigh · 09/07/2023 09:01

Darned autocorrect: not regime, REHOME. not remove, REHOME.

stevalnamechanger · 09/07/2023 09:02

Please rehome the dog

You are certainly not meeting its needs or stimulation . Tantamount to neglect in my book.

Sounds like you should have got a cat not a dog .

Thehop · 09/07/2023 09:02

Go through a lab specific rescue they'll look after her

VeterinaryCareAssistant · 09/07/2023 09:03

Can I ask politely, why did you even get a dog knowing you wouldn't bother with it?

People have so many things in their life - families, work, hobbies etc. but a dog only has you. All dogs want is to be with their "pack", their people.

Can you get up early and walk the dog or walk it with the children? They only need about an hour a day, and there are plenty of mentally stimulating games you can play at home.

LakieLady · 09/07/2023 09:05

Speak to the breeder you got the dog from and ask for her help in rehoming. They will know people who are looking for an older dog.

And never, ever get another dog. Your family setup means that you cannot give a dog what it needs.

EineReiseDurchDieZeit · 09/07/2023 09:06

Your husband sounds like you aren't a married mum of two but a single mum of three to be quite honest. Give that dog a chance to be the heart of the family a Lab often is.