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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

It’s me or the dog

127 replies

flowergod13 · 09/07/2023 08:35

Hi I’m looking for some advice or if anyone has gone through anything similar just hear me as I don’t know what to do.

We have a lovely 18m dog who I feel desperately sorry for as she does not get the time and attention she really deserves.

We are family with 2 young children and both work. My partner often works away ranging from 1 night to over a week.
Over the last 6 months both our jobs have been become more demanding and the need to travel has increased, which is only going to continue. I am finding that I am unable to go to meetings due to not being able to leave the dog as my partner is away, which can not continue.

As my partner is away a lot of the time I am often left to deal with everything, kids, house and the dog alone. I am finding that I can not cope anymore and at the top of my stress limit.
As a result of these circumstances she is missing her walks unless it’s a day the dog walker can take her and gets no other attention as once I have sorted the kids I am normally back to finishing work or it is too late and the kids are in bed so I can’t then take her for a walk.

She is full of energy and obviously needs to be exercised and I think because of the lack of this she has chewed bits of kitchen and the rug when I have left her for small period of time to pick the kids up from school.

At weekends when we don’t work we are still pretty busy with kids clubs etc and have even paid for the dog walker to take her then which obviously costs us money, and really I think we should be taking her at weekends but we just don’t have time.

When partner is at home, I am still the one who does all the house chores and clean up after her (he won’t pick up poo) like it seems labs do she sheds a lot so I have vacuum every day again he doesn’t do this.

Even though I would be devastated I have suggested rehoming her and I believe it is the best for her as she is wasted with us and can see she is unhappy. My partner disagrees and said he will walk her more but I just can’t see how this is possible given he his away a-lot of the time.
My fear is I agree with him and it will change for a short period of time before going back to how it is.

I feel so cruel to give her away and like I’m the bad guy but I just don’t think I can continue like this for another 10+years and she is being neglected.

My children love her but they don’t do anything with her. I’m sure they will be upset if she goes but I don’t think it will have a major impact on them.

Thanks for reading.

OP posts:
Cheetahmum · 09/07/2023 09:34

Rehome the dog for sure but also why are you the one doing all the childcare and looking after your home when your husband is around at weekends?
Your DH sounds completely useless all round and he's getting away with it. He doesn't get a day in what happens with the dog and you have to stop putting up with him being useless.

booktokbear · 09/07/2023 09:37

@Irequireausername Browbeating the op won't change what's already happened.

But telling op "no harm done" when there obviously is doesn't do anyone any favours either. Least of all the dog.

EggInANest · 09/07/2023 09:38

OP, it’s hard because the emotions around re-homing are counter-intuitive and will seem so to the kids.

It feels like ‘how can we reject our beloved pup’ but what they need to understand is that that is the loving thing to do. She chews the rug because she is bored, lonely and anxious. By not going for a walk your house is a cage to her.

But your DH and kids also need to know that love comes with taking responsibility, your DH needs to understand that, and whereas it wouldn’t be right to guilt trip kids too young to take responsibility it isn’t good for them to see a dog not having its needs met.

It’s hard but I think you need to take the ultimate act of responsibility here and do what’s needed.

ilovesooty · 09/07/2023 09:39

stevalnamechanger · 09/07/2023 09:02

Please rehome the dog

You are certainly not meeting its needs or stimulation . Tantamount to neglect in my book.

Sounds like you should have got a cat not a dog .

It sounds as though they shouldn't have got a pet at all.

Rehome this poor dog to someone who can meet its needs and don't get another animal. Your husband simply doesn't understand commitment and responsibility.

Irequireausername · 09/07/2023 09:39

booktokbear · 09/07/2023 09:37

@Irequireausername Browbeating the op won't change what's already happened.

But telling op "no harm done" when there obviously is doesn't do anyone any favours either. Least of all the dog.

We will have to agree to disagree.

ActDottie · 09/07/2023 09:40

Please rehome. It’s so sad to hear they aren’t getting daily walks :(

Dumbphone · 09/07/2023 09:46

There must be millions of covid-era dogs out there just being neglected by owners who couldn’t see beyond lockdown and now have a busy life to contend with.

OP I hated living with dogs - they are bred to be needy and cannot, unlike children, give much reward back in the form of learning and being pro-social unless you have a huge amount of time consistently to train them.

Your partner’s approach is frankly appalling. I would be very upset by the total abdication of responsibility - does he take you for granted in other ways too?

You know this dog must be rehomed. This is not fair to the dog, nor to you or the children to have this weight around your neck. I think it’s really important stories like yours are told and heard. Having a dog and kids is a step too far for many of us. Kids hold you back in one way, dogs in another. The sum total means your life becomes completely caged in.

Mama678 · 09/07/2023 09:51

I have been in your shoes and its so hard to know what the right thing to do is. We got our dog when i worked round the corner from home and no kids. Husband was desperate for a dog, i wasnt too sure. Anyway, I could nip home on my lunchbreak, let the dog out etc. then we had a child. It got harder and husband didnt help with walking and it was all left to me, plus being a mum and working full time. I got made redundant and took a job closer to childminders, due to traffic. It came to a head one day when i got home and dog had pood and weed all over the floor and here i am with toddler in my arms, mopping the floor and husband poles in and sits on the sofa with a beer vs taking dog out. I was run ragged. I said enough. I contacted a few rescues and found one i felt comfortable with who already had someone lined up to take him (was familiar with the breed). I had to take the dog on the day (not DH). I was relieved when i had rehomed him. For his sake as he just wasn’t getting the attention he deserved. I loved that dog but it was just circumstances. I still miss him 😢

RenovationNightmare · 09/07/2023 09:54

If he's not picking up dog poo at home then I doubt he's picking it up when he takes the dog for a walk by himself - if he does it when he's on walks with you it's probably because your presence shames him into doing so. Speak to the breader, there's nothing worse than a high energy dog whose owner doesn't have time to take it for walks. You are not meeting it's needs. Re-home it now while it's still young and it is possible to find a good home.

Rhondaa · 09/07/2023 09:55

'OP I hated living with dogs - they are bred to be needy and cannot, unlike children, give much reward back in the form of learning and being pro-social unless you have a huge amount of time consistently to train them.'

I'm sorry for the dogs you hated living with but this is just not true. They have such basic needs, to be fed, have physical activity and yes of course very basic training but are so loyal and loving in return.

To get a labrador , of all dogs not a lap dog like a shih tzu was a ridiculous thing to have done. The op seems to have belatedly realised their mistake and let's just hope it goes to owners who will actually care for it.

PlanningTowns · 09/07/2023 09:55

The fact you have written the original posts suggested to me you need to look at rehoming.

i read your post and wondered why you got a dog in the first place and what you told the breeder to convince them you were a good fit. I get that things change but you must have known the commitment that a dog requires, there are plenty of places that set this out.

In any event you’re not in a position to care for this dog so the kindest thing is to pass it on safely to someone who can

AtrociousCircumstance · 09/07/2023 09:58

Rehome the dog - it sounds like you’d love to be able to care for him properly but you can’t work miracles.

Your partner is a selfish twat. Rehome him too.

Ourshoddyhouse · 09/07/2023 09:58

PlanningTowns · 09/07/2023 09:55

The fact you have written the original posts suggested to me you need to look at rehoming.

i read your post and wondered why you got a dog in the first place and what you told the breeder to convince them you were a good fit. I get that things change but you must have known the commitment that a dog requires, there are plenty of places that set this out.

In any event you’re not in a position to care for this dog so the kindest thing is to pass it on safely to someone who can

Well some breeders only see the £ signs don't they

andweallsingalong · 09/07/2023 09:58

How old are your children OP?

Can you make some small changes to include DDog for example taking him on the school /nursery run either walking or if too far drive half way then walk the rest? Can the children play ball with DDog in the garden to increase exercise and quality of life.

Or even something like borrow my doggy (although I always wonder if people are checked first)

Small changes could make a big difference.

Haver74 · 09/07/2023 09:58

Why did you get the dog in the first place? Honestly, I can't stand people who get a cute puppy with no thought as to the responsibility involved, and then dump it when it becomes a 'problem'.
You're the problem here. You do have time to walk her, you just can't be bothered to find the time.

stanleytheflamingo · 09/07/2023 09:59

You should never have got a dog in the first place. Tbh I’m sick of hearing about people not understanding the level of commitment a dog requires and then neglecting the dog. Please re home the dog (responsibly!) as soon as possible. Continued neglect will likely lead to behavioural problems making the dog more difficult to rehome.

Rhondaa · 09/07/2023 09:59

'It came to a head one day when i got home and dog had pood and weed all over the floor and here i am with toddler in my arms, mopping the floor and husband poles in and sits on the sofa with a beer vs taking dog out. '

The poor dog! To have pood and weed all over because no-one had been arranged let it out is neglect. The fact your dh sat on his arse is just awful I'd have got shot of him and kept the dog (with adequate doggy daycare in place) I'm glad you rehomed him.

AngryGreasedSantaCatcus · 09/07/2023 10:00

Mama678 · 09/07/2023 09:51

I have been in your shoes and its so hard to know what the right thing to do is. We got our dog when i worked round the corner from home and no kids. Husband was desperate for a dog, i wasnt too sure. Anyway, I could nip home on my lunchbreak, let the dog out etc. then we had a child. It got harder and husband didnt help with walking and it was all left to me, plus being a mum and working full time. I got made redundant and took a job closer to childminders, due to traffic. It came to a head one day when i got home and dog had pood and weed all over the floor and here i am with toddler in my arms, mopping the floor and husband poles in and sits on the sofa with a beer vs taking dog out. I was run ragged. I said enough. I contacted a few rescues and found one i felt comfortable with who already had someone lined up to take him (was familiar with the breed). I had to take the dog on the day (not DH). I was relieved when i had rehomed him. For his sake as he just wasn’t getting the attention he deserved. I loved that dog but it was just circumstances. I still miss him 😢

I hope you rehomed the DH too as he sounds like an arsehole.

Roselilly36 · 09/07/2023 10:00

Sounds a difficult situation OP. Of course everyone will be upset if the dog is rehomed, but unless DH or Children (assuming they are old enough) are willing to help with the dogs care. The dog will need to be rehomed, it’s just not fair on the dog otherwise.

Mama678 · 09/07/2023 10:02

AngryGreasedSantaCatcus · 09/07/2023 10:00

I hope you rehomed the DH too as he sounds like an arsehole.

Show quote history

Currently rehoming the prick 😂

Rhondaa · 09/07/2023 10:02

'I contacted a few rescues and found one i felt comfortable with'

That you were comfortable with Confused.

I hope these folk that 'choose' rescues also leave a very generous donation.

Original poster
flowergod13 · 09/07/2023 10:02

Thanks for all your replies was expecting there to be few nasty ones.
just to clarify when I say give away (if I did say that?) I mean rehome and I would certainly 100% go through a Lab specialist rehome charity. When I say no attention - she is not sat in cage with no one talking to her. She is with me 90% of time mainly laid on my feet while I’m at my desk working or laid outside the door while I shower or go to toilet- she is my shadow. I have tripped over her a few times and I’m totally devastated it has come to this. I love her she is a fantastic dog but we should never have got her. I should have listened to my gut at the time. I owe it to her now to make sure she has a good life and that is what I am going to do.
thanks for everyone’s supportive and understanding comments

OP posts:
Rainbowqueeen · 09/07/2023 10:03

OP you are the only good guy in your house because you are the only one who is taking into account the dogs needs.

I feel like you believe that if you do rehome you are expecting your H to tell the DC that it is all your fault and make you out to be the bad guy when they are upset about losing their pet.

Id sit him down and say you feel rehoming is the realistic option to give this poor dog a happy life. Tell him that you are happy to take the lead in telling the DC, that you will tell them that you made a mistake in getting a dog because you don’t have the time, that it’s good to recognise mistakes and fix them, that rehoming is an act of kindness even though it is upsetting. And that you expect him to back you 100 percent in this and that if he tells them anything different then he can expect to have a row with you.

Then rehome the dog. For its sake. An 18monrh old lab will find a loving suitable home in no time

Caroparo52 · 09/07/2023 10:06

Its ony fair to the dog to have committed owners. Rehome now if you can't make ut work.
Have you tried
Love my Doggie?
Matching up dog owners with no time with dog lovers who can't have dog in their home ... worth a try
Husband sounds like he wants his cake but cba to bake it

SayHi · 09/07/2023 10:06

Obviously it’s hard to understand why you got the dog in the first place with you both working and having 2 DCs.
I guess it was a lockdown purchase with no real thought about the future.

I agree with you though.
Its not fair on the dog or you that’s being left to deal with it.

Tell your DH you are done and that he needs to do all of the walking, cleaning up the poo, feeding etc.
Give it 1 month and then if he’s not sticking to his agreement it needs to be rehomed.

The main issue is your kids who will be heartbroken so it would be a nice idea to try and find someone you know/local so the kids can still see it and you’ll know it’s looked after.
I would start looking for that home now by just asking friends/family in conversation or looking on wanted ads.

My sister stupidly got a German shepherd puppy without thinking it through and they had a nightmare with it and ultimately it was cruel on the dog.

They chose to rehome it and a lovely man from their local area had him and the dog literally has the best life ever.
As the man is local her kids still see the dog all of the time walking around and so they weren’t as sad to see him go.

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