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AIBU?

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Original poster

It’s me or the dog

127 replies

flowergod13 · 09/07/2023 08:35

Hi I’m looking for some advice or if anyone has gone through anything similar just hear me as I don’t know what to do.

We have a lovely 18m dog who I feel desperately sorry for as she does not get the time and attention she really deserves.

We are family with 2 young children and both work. My partner often works away ranging from 1 night to over a week.
Over the last 6 months both our jobs have been become more demanding and the need to travel has increased, which is only going to continue. I am finding that I am unable to go to meetings due to not being able to leave the dog as my partner is away, which can not continue.

As my partner is away a lot of the time I am often left to deal with everything, kids, house and the dog alone. I am finding that I can not cope anymore and at the top of my stress limit.
As a result of these circumstances she is missing her walks unless it’s a day the dog walker can take her and gets no other attention as once I have sorted the kids I am normally back to finishing work or it is too late and the kids are in bed so I can’t then take her for a walk.

She is full of energy and obviously needs to be exercised and I think because of the lack of this she has chewed bits of kitchen and the rug when I have left her for small period of time to pick the kids up from school.

At weekends when we don’t work we are still pretty busy with kids clubs etc and have even paid for the dog walker to take her then which obviously costs us money, and really I think we should be taking her at weekends but we just don’t have time.

When partner is at home, I am still the one who does all the house chores and clean up after her (he won’t pick up poo) like it seems labs do she sheds a lot so I have vacuum every day again he doesn’t do this.

Even though I would be devastated I have suggested rehoming her and I believe it is the best for her as she is wasted with us and can see she is unhappy. My partner disagrees and said he will walk her more but I just can’t see how this is possible given he his away a-lot of the time.
My fear is I agree with him and it will change for a short period of time before going back to how it is.

I feel so cruel to give her away and like I’m the bad guy but I just don’t think I can continue like this for another 10+years and she is being neglected.

My children love her but they don’t do anything with her. I’m sure they will be upset if she goes but I don’t think it will have a major impact on them.

Thanks for reading.

OP posts:
Bearpaws64 · 09/07/2023 10:49

Why don't you have time to walk her? Kids clubs? Stop one of the kids clubs then.
I really don't know why folks get dogs, find out they take a lot of time and care, then moan they just don't have the time!
Re home her, she needs a family that will find the time even if it means giving up kids clubs.

OnePotPolly · 09/07/2023 10:50

Of course people put dogs in the boot of their car! I do, my spaniels can't drive!

OK, I understand now. Not a boot like I have in my little C3. A boot in a bigger car which is open to the rest of the care albeit with a dog guard.
I would have called that the back of the car, rather than the boot, therefore I misunderstood.

diddl · 09/07/2023 11:03

Both working full time, two young kids-it was never going to work imo.

VeterinaryCareAssistant · 09/07/2023 11:16

They get very little from being dragged around an estate on the end of a lead.

@DogsDryWineAndCheese this is not what a dog walk is.

A dog walk is going somewhere where the dog can have a good run off lead, have a good sniff around and maybe play with other dogs (or not if it doesn't want to).

DogsDryWineAndCheese · 09/07/2023 11:34

VeterinaryCareAssistant · 09/07/2023 11:16

They get very little from being dragged around an estate on the end of a lead.

@DogsDryWineAndCheese this is not what a dog walk is.

A dog walk is going somewhere where the dog can have a good run off lead, have a good sniff around and maybe play with other dogs (or not if it doesn't want to).

Yes, I agree. However, most dogs ‘walk’ is being dragged around an estate on the end of a lead. Hence my post. But thank you 😊

Mrsjayy · 09/07/2023 12:15

I know its lovely for dogs to be bounding about a field, but not all dogs are able to be off lead I don't understand why there isn't understanding of this?

Rhondaa · 09/07/2023 12:26

VeterinaryCareAssistant · 09/07/2023 11:16

They get very little from being dragged around an estate on the end of a lead.

@DogsDryWineAndCheese this is not what a dog walk is.

A dog walk is going somewhere where the dog can have a good run off lead, have a good sniff around and maybe play with other dogs (or not if it doesn't want to).

Tbf they don't necessarily 'get dragged round estates'. Many people live in built up areas and a good walk in the fresh air, letting them have a sniff about and meeting other dogs is certainly beneficial.

On lead walks on pavements is fine, obviously beaches and woods ideal. So many dogs have poor recall anyway I think on lead in public places will be the law at the some stage in the future anyway.

Mrsjayy · 09/07/2023 12:30

Yes pavement walks are totally fine and normal .

DogsDryWineAndCheese · 09/07/2023 12:39

Mrsjayy · 09/07/2023 12:30

Yes pavement walks are totally fine and normal .

Yes but my point was a dog can get just the same, if not more, from playing with its owner and doing brain games. I don’t think my post is being understood from the following posts. I never said walks are bad!

2bazookas · 09/07/2023 12:46

Rehome her, before you make her so neurotic and destructive nobody will want her.

You should never have got a dog, you and DH clearly never intended to personally provide any normal dog needs; (regular excercise, attention, play, training, cleaningupafter) .

KarmaStar · 09/07/2023 12:46

The poor dog.to not be wanted and thought of as a nuisance and to be neglected.
Wtf were you thinking ? Getting a dog and a lab who love the outdoors!
Whilst you were both working and had two kids.
Ffs. Speak to the Labrador rescue hopefully they will find a home without having to go to a rescue.
At least you have recognised the dog is unhappy and needs a far better life.
I hope he finds the best home possible.
Good luck....and Please be very careful if you advertise privately there are still dog fighting gangs who pose as families to get hold of dogs .

Everywherenowhere · 09/07/2023 12:48

poor dog. Definitely rehome. You’re abusing an innocent defenceless animal - pathetic excuses btw . Ensure you never get another pet @flowergod13

2bazookas · 09/07/2023 12:49

I feel so cruel to give her away and like I’m the bad guy

You are the bad guys. Giving her away to a proper home would be the kindest thing you've ever done for that poor dog.

WinterDeWinter · 09/07/2023 12:49

You have a DH problem not a dog problem.

rookiemere · 09/07/2023 12:57

An 18 month lab with no major behavioural issues will easily be rehomed with a more suitable family. You weren't to know that your H wouldn't step up to the plate to look after the animal he said he wanted.
I'd rehome but I'd struggle to be in a relationship with such a man afterwards, particularly if he doesn't even accept his obvious shortcomings and does the whole "I'll walk the dog more" routine - spoiler - he won't.

I mean who,even gets a dog and doesn't pick up its poo.

2bazookas · 09/07/2023 13:06

*'OP I hated living with dogs - they are bred to be needy and cannot, unlike children, give much reward back in the form of learning and being pro-social unless you have a huge amount of time consistently to train them.'

Exactly like children, I'd say.

The only difference is that dogs mature faster so any damage done to their development is obvious much sooner. Children who are not given enough time, attention, proper diet, excercise and stimulation also fail to develop and be socialised, and many will end up just as psychologically damaged and destructive once they reach full size , puberty, etc.

2bazookas · 09/07/2023 13:09

I mean who,even gets a dog and doesn't pick up its poo.

Probably the same kind of man who won't change nappies, take the kids out for some fun, give them his time and attention.

Newusernamebecause · 09/07/2023 13:51

2bazookas · 09/07/2023 13:06

*'OP I hated living with dogs - they are bred to be needy and cannot, unlike children, give much reward back in the form of learning and being pro-social unless you have a huge amount of time consistently to train them.'

Exactly like children, I'd say.

The only difference is that dogs mature faster so any damage done to their development is obvious much sooner. Children who are not given enough time, attention, proper diet, excercise and stimulation also fail to develop and be socialised, and many will end up just as psychologically damaged and destructive once they reach full size , puberty, etc.

Well no, it depends what you're willing to put up with. Having a dog is harder than having children imo. I've never seen a toddler shit on the carpet and then eat it for example.

cheezncrackers · 09/07/2023 13:53

Yet another totally irresponsible OP who didn't think through the reality of getting a dog before getting one. I despair at these threads, I really do.

Mrsjayy · 09/07/2023 13:57

DogsDryWineAndCheese · 09/07/2023 11:34

Yes, I agree. However, most dogs ‘walk’ is being dragged around an estate on the end of a lead. Hence my post. But thank you 😊

Show quote history

This is a post you wrote I realise somebody else also said it, but this is why you were misunderstood.

Babyroobs · 09/07/2023 14:06

EvilElsa · 09/07/2023 08:54

I won't bother with the lecture as you clearly know it was absolutely bloody ridiculous to buy a lab puppy (or any puppy really but especially a working breed) in your circumstances.
You need to rehome without a doubt. Do it ASAP while the dog is young.

This.

Babyroobs · 09/07/2023 14:12

cheezncrackers · 09/07/2023 13:53

Yet another totally irresponsible OP who didn't think through the reality of getting a dog before getting one. I despair at these threads, I really do.

Sadly they are eveywhere.

KingTriton · 09/07/2023 19:17

It is doable if you are really committed to putting in the work.

I have 4 labs and today I was up this morning walking them for an hour and a half before we went out for the afternoon. My husband stayed home with our child.

In the evenings, if my husband is away then I drag my child out for a walk with the dogs. I don't care if they complain because the dogs HAVE to be walked.

I also work full time (from home thankfully) and the dogs are walked during my lunch hour and then again in the evening.

They have to be factored into everything that we do and yes, it's bloody hard work. But, because I love them so much I will do all of these things so that they have a happy life.

Having said all of that, we had dogs before I had a kid so we were fully aware of the commitment.

I think rehoming is the best option. Your partner sounds like a dick btw - wants to keep the dog but can't be arsed to put any effort in Hmm

Dumbphone · 09/07/2023 22:04

Rhondaa · 09/07/2023 09:55

'OP I hated living with dogs - they are bred to be needy and cannot, unlike children, give much reward back in the form of learning and being pro-social unless you have a huge amount of time consistently to train them.'

I'm sorry for the dogs you hated living with but this is just not true. They have such basic needs, to be fed, have physical activity and yes of course very basic training but are so loyal and loving in return.

To get a labrador , of all dogs not a lap dog like a shih tzu was a ridiculous thing to have done. The op seems to have belatedly realised their mistake and let's just hope it goes to owners who will actually care for it.

I had understood the breed of dog I lived with (Pomeranian and Chihuahua) had been bred to be an extremely close companion. Each and every one I’ve ever met has literally and ruthlessly pawed at me if not getting physical attention. I despised it, and this level of neediness and it contributed to the end of my relationship with the owner.

I’m sure some dogs are less needy, but you’re never going to get a dog that doesn’t need significant training, surely.

Dumbphone · 09/07/2023 22:14

2bazookas · 09/07/2023 13:06

*'OP I hated living with dogs - they are bred to be needy and cannot, unlike children, give much reward back in the form of learning and being pro-social unless you have a huge amount of time consistently to train them.'

Exactly like children, I'd say.

The only difference is that dogs mature faster so any damage done to their development is obvious much sooner. Children who are not given enough time, attention, proper diet, excercise and stimulation also fail to develop and be socialised, and many will end up just as psychologically damaged and destructive once they reach full size , puberty, etc.

Absolutely there are similarities to children - but I feel absolutely sad for anyone if they think you get back from a dog what you get back from a relationship with a child.

I understand on this site and in this world there are many people who value their relationships with animals more highly than those with people, their own family members even for instance. That doesn’t stop me from thinking it’s absolutely bizarre.